Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DH to stick his anniversary card where the sun don’t shine?

296 replies

BacktoBeingAGymBunny · 19/04/2021 10:18

I actually told him to stick it up his arse but that was too impolite to put in the thread title.

This is the card that he’s apparently going to buy me today and give to me when he gets home from work at about 8-9pm.

Our (24th) wedding anniversary is today. He’s had the weekend off from Friday. He came down this morning to a beautifully wrapped present, thoughtfully written card and bar of his favourite expensive chocolate. I expected to come down to flowers and a card at least. He’d gone to work before I came down and I was just slightly devastated to come down to nothing. He just rang me to thank me for what I got him and got an earful.

I don’t want an afterthought late in the evening when the days almost over.

I put up with him being shit on birthdays, Mother’s Day and anniversaries for many years in our marriage but he’d started to put effort in the last few years or so. I’m bloody furious he couldn’t be bothered again, especially as he is extremely lucky to still be married to me (very hard 2 years in our relationship).

It’s not about him splashing the cash either. It’s the thought that counts IMO. That he actually gives a shit.

OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 20/04/2021 13:58

@BacktoBeingAGymBunny

As an update, he came home with TWO bouquets of flowers, a card and a naice quiche for me to have for lunch today Hmm.

He actually sent me a photo of himself with the flowers in the morning as a ‘look what I gotcha’. Idiot!

He did apologise and say he couldn’t be bothered to go out on Sunday to get me something as he thought he’d get something on Monday when he was at work. He was mortified I’d prepared something for him to come down to apparently.

He only had a line of the chocolate I bought him so I finished the rest Wink.

I ended up cooking a nice dinner as I’d already planned to and had the ingredients. We had discussed going out for dinner prior to Sunday but I had told him to find somewhere for once and book it. Of course that was beyond his capabilities.

He actually has more opportunity to shop than me and will often bring stuff home. I WFH so less opportunity to get to a shop but still managed to get him something to open in the morning. He knows I think you should wake up to presents and cards and not leave it till later in the day when the day is almost over. It just makes the day feel special. I’ve always done it for the DC and him and he normally does it for me.

He's a real prince, isn't he? Not.
lovepickledlimes · 20/04/2021 14:28

@honeybuns007 well if that's what you prefer that is brilliant. I prefer a gentle hug in the morning and then knowing we will enjoy a lovely evening together sharing the experience. I don't need surprises spread through the day to put a smile on my face that day.

CoconutMaracas · 20/04/2021 15:08

No one cares what everyone else does , this is the ops marriage and within that she has an expectation of what she wants to see. He ‘couldn’t be bothered’ to meet that expectation. The flowers he brought home were very obviously to diffuse the argument and I’m sure op would have received nothing otherwise. I wish people would stop going on about how demanding op is or that they wouldn’t expect anything - this isn’t about you!

ancientgran · 20/04/2021 15:12

It isn't just the OPs marriage, it is her husband's as well and she is trying to force him to meet her expectations. I can never understand the value that is put on having to perform to someone elses demands according to the calendar. Do people really value the gift/card when their partner has reluctantly bought them to avoid getting an earful?

It all reminds me of a couple I know. He told me he had to surprise her on their upcoming holiday. I asked what he meant and he said she told him he had to surprise her with a proposal, told him the ring she expected and even specified exactly where the proposal had to happen. How romantic.

ancientgran · 20/04/2021 15:17

It's sad that people think the answer is for OP to stop expecting any spontaneous effort to please her. Complying to the OPs demands and the expectations of Hallmarks is hardly spontaneous. Coming home on a Friday night with a bar of her favourite chocolate would be a more spontaneous, and genuine, effort to show her he cares.

cyclingmad · 20/04/2021 15:35

@CoconutMaracas

No one cares what everyone else does , this is the ops marriage and within that she has an expectation of what she wants to see. He ‘couldn’t be bothered’ to meet that expectation. The flowers he brought home were very obviously to diffuse the argument and I’m sure op would have received nothing otherwise. I wish people would stop going on about how demanding op is or that they wouldn’t expect anything - this isn’t about you!
Well thats the only conclusion you can draw now about the flowers.

If she has just waited instead of giving an earful then maybe the flowers he was buying anyway would not come across as an apology flower. But you won't know now.

grapewine · 20/04/2021 16:08

You had some notion in your head of wanting a surprise in the morning because that's what you did for him and because he didn't do the same as you, you threw a fit instead of waiting to see after work if he was doing anything for you.

Pretty much. Why is he an idiot?

Butwasitherdriveway · 20/04/2021 18:30

@CoconutMaracas

No one cares what everyone else does , this is the ops marriage and within that she has an expectation of what she wants to see. He ‘couldn’t be bothered’ to meet that expectation. The flowers he brought home were very obviously to diffuse the argument and I’m sure op would have received nothing otherwise. I wish people would stop going on about how demanding op is or that they wouldn’t expect anything - this isn’t about you!
You are using words like obviously and I'm sure when actually you aren't either. You have no more idea than us.
Butwasitherdriveway · 20/04/2021 18:31

If OP was the husbajd and had bought stuff after work while he was at home, and she posted that he'd thrown a fit, he'd be called ungrateful, abusive and LTB and why doesn't he work and who cares anyway etc etc etc

Butwasitherdriveway · 20/04/2021 18:31

@grapewine

You had some notion in your head of wanting a surprise in the morning because that's what you did for him and because he didn't do the same as you, you threw a fit instead of waiting to see after work if he was doing anything for you.

Pretty much. Why is he an idiot?

Becuase he's a man.
SunshineCake · 20/04/2021 19:12

@honeybuns007 the Thursday is giving a few days notice.

Original poster
BacktoBeingAGymBunny · 20/04/2021 19:18

Butwasitherdriveway

grapewine
You had some notion in your head of wanting a surprise in the morning because that's what you did for him and because he didn't do the same as you, you threw a fit instead of waiting to see after work if he was doing anything for you.

Pretty much. Why is he an idiot?
Becuase he's a man.

I actually didn’t think he was going to even get me a card seeing as he didn’t leave anything and I knew was going to be out at work until late in the evening. Surely in that scenario you would have one ready in the morning? As it was I was having to trim and fit flowers into vases at 10pm. They were a bit droopy as they’d been out of water for most of the day! He could easily have bought flowers the day before and left them in some water in the garage. And got a card.

Why upset me and make me think he wasn’t going to get me anything? He is a complete prick and I won’t let him forget it.

Quiche was very nice though - ate the whole thing Blush. Just right for after the gym.

He actually only works 4 days a week. Longer than normal hours granted but still only 4. I WFH 5 days a week and deal with all the household and DC crap too!

I don’t know what done of you are on but I don’t think IWBU at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
BacktoBeingAGymBunny · 20/04/2021 19:19

some of you

OP posts:
sammylady37 · 20/04/2021 19:22

As it was I was having to trim and fit flowers into vases at 10pm

No?! At 10pm. My god. How did you cope?

cyclingmad · 20/04/2021 19:51

Omg OP how flipping ungrateful are you!

Just because you decided to do a morning present and shop day before doesn't mean your husband has to do what you do!

Get a grip. You already ruined your day by having a go at gim in the morning cos there wasn't anything, you'd already decided in your headd that he wasn't going to do anything and then when you realise he was all.along so you can continue your pity party you make it about the time.

Your poor husband, I feel sorry for him today, because its his day too as much as its yours. Did it occur to you for all your paying about how he has ruined it cos he didn't do what you wanted that you also ruined his by having a go at him.

I mean your celebrating your love for each other and this is how you behave, having a go at him esrly doors, without giving him the chance to show you his love in his way.

Mistressinthetulips · 20/04/2021 19:55

Cards are for mornings. They just are.

cyclingmad · 20/04/2021 19:55

He didn't upset you and make you think he forgot, its all because you are so set on wanting a surprise in the morning. You set the expectation and then let down when he didn't follow your demands.

And ive just seen that you called him a prick and your now going to hold a grudge over him for it...like wtaf. How is this even a loving relationship.

You know what, shame on you, utter shame on you. Because he isn't on a forum bitching about you and calling you a prick!!

I hope he wakes up and leaves you. You won't let him forget it for not giving you a surprise morning present, wow if I knew my partner had called me a prick I'd be packing my bags for the utter disrespectful language.

cyclingmad · 20/04/2021 19:57

Who on earth on their anniversary which is about celebrating their love, spends it slagging their partner off and calling them names

I'm speechless

Mistressinthetulips · 20/04/2021 20:09

If only...

ancientgran · 20/04/2021 20:17

@Mistressinthetulips

Cards are for mornings. They just are.
Shame my post doesn't come till 2 pm. I'll have to tell everyone not to send me a card.
ancientgran · 20/04/2021 20:19

@BacktoBeingAGymBunny

Butwasitherdriveway

grapewine
You had some notion in your head of wanting a surprise in the morning because that's what you did for him and because he didn't do the same as you, you threw a fit instead of waiting to see after work if he was doing anything for you.

Pretty much. Why is he an idiot?
Becuase he's a man.

I actually didn’t think he was going to even get me a card seeing as he didn’t leave anything and I knew was going to be out at work until late in the evening. Surely in that scenario you would have one ready in the morning? As it was I was having to trim and fit flowers into vases at 10pm. They were a bit droopy as they’d been out of water for most of the day! He could easily have bought flowers the day before and left them in some water in the garage. And got a card.

Why upset me and make me think he wasn’t going to get me anything? He is a complete prick and I won’t let him forget it.

Quiche was very nice though - ate the whole thing Blush. Just right for after the gym.

He actually only works 4 days a week. Longer than normal hours granted but still only 4. I WFH 5 days a week and deal with all the household and DC crap too!

I don’t know what done of you are on but I don’t think IWBU at all.

Why bother asking then?
CoconutMaracas · 20/04/2021 20:23

Op I expect a card in the morning too. If I can manage it - then I expect dh to manage it too. It’s really not hard. It’s called being thoughtful and not receiving something when the day is over or as an afterthought.
Having said that there’s obviously some deep rooted issues which are causing you to get really angry so those need to be communicated with him clearly and sorted out

Mummy1608 · 20/04/2021 20:46

As it was I was having to trim and fit flowers into vases at 10pm. They were a bit droopy as they’d been out of water for most of the day!
Why did the poor chap bother lol.

Mummy1608 · 20/04/2021 20:47

@Butwasitherdriveway

If OP was the husbajd and had bought stuff after work while he was at home, and she posted that he'd thrown a fit, he'd be called ungrateful, abusive and LTB and why doesn't he work and who cares anyway etc etc etc
Yeah, pretty much this
cyclingmad · 20/04/2021 20:58

@CoconutMaracas

Op I expect a card in the morning too. If I can manage it - then I expect dh to manage it too. It’s really not hard. It’s called being thoughtful and not receiving something when the day is over or as an afterthought. Having said that there’s obviously some deep rooted issues which are causing you to get really angry so those need to be communicated with him clearly and sorted out
Have you asked your husband if that's what he expects from you? Or are you setting expectations for him because its what you expect and therfore your projecting onto him