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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DH to stick his anniversary card where the sun don’t shine?

296 replies

BacktoBeingAGymBunny · 19/04/2021 10:18

I actually told him to stick it up his arse but that was too impolite to put in the thread title.

This is the card that he’s apparently going to buy me today and give to me when he gets home from work at about 8-9pm.

Our (24th) wedding anniversary is today. He’s had the weekend off from Friday. He came down this morning to a beautifully wrapped present, thoughtfully written card and bar of his favourite expensive chocolate. I expected to come down to flowers and a card at least. He’d gone to work before I came down and I was just slightly devastated to come down to nothing. He just rang me to thank me for what I got him and got an earful.

I don’t want an afterthought late in the evening when the days almost over.

I put up with him being shit on birthdays, Mother’s Day and anniversaries for many years in our marriage but he’d started to put effort in the last few years or so. I’m bloody furious he couldn’t be bothered again, especially as he is extremely lucky to still be married to me (very hard 2 years in our relationship).

It’s not about him splashing the cash either. It’s the thought that counts IMO. That he actually gives a shit.

OP posts:
Newkitchen123 · 20/04/2021 21:10

So will he do as he is told next year then? Now that you've made it clear what you expect?

sammylady37 · 20/04/2021 21:24

@Newkitchen123

So will he do as he is told next year then? Now that you've made it clear what you expect?
And won’t it be soooooo deep and meaningful, and not at all a hollow, empty gesture, done because the op has demonstrated that she will swear at him and be ungrateful if he doesn’t. And of course the seething resentment she has towards him will bot be evident and he will indeed realise how ‘incredibly lucky’ he is to be married to her Hmm
Mistressinthetulips · 20/04/2021 21:24

The OP also works, not sure why that is being skipped in? @Butwasitherdriveway

snowallspring · 20/04/2021 21:38

@sammylady37 Indeed. And presumably he will no longer have a problem maintaining an erection for more than 30 seconds. Who knew it was so simple?

TodayNoMore · 20/04/2021 21:46

I don't understand the mindset of adults who insist on cards/gifts on anniversaries, valentines, etc and who get the hump otherwise. In both my family and DP's (and ex's), only children get birthday cards. For adults, it's usually just a "Happy Birthday" text, and that's if we remember.

The adults in our two families buy one another presents on impulse, not because it's a particular day. I'll see something advertised on TV, think "DP's mum would like that", and buy it. And vice versa.

Mistressinthetulips · 20/04/2021 21:52

Quite a nasty tone coming out from some recent posters, who I think probably haven't read all of the OP's posts - clearly a lot more going on here than an otherwise lovely husband who wasn't prepared for his anniversary.

cyclingmad · 20/04/2021 23:14

@Mistressinthetulips

Quite a nasty tone coming out from some recent posters, who I think probably haven't read all of the OP's posts - clearly a lot more going on here than an otherwise lovely husband who wasn't prepared for his anniversary.
Well just mirroring OPs nastiness in calling her husband a prick. So you know if your going to dish it out best be able to take it.
RachelRavenR0th · 20/04/2021 23:21

Well just mirroring OPs nastiness in calling her husband a prick. So you know if your going to dish it out best be able to take it.
Why would you take that personally?

cyclingmad · 20/04/2021 23:21

Lets do a reverse...

Op starts a thread saying, ita my wedding anniversary today, I had planned to buy card and gifts while I was at work to give in the evening. I woke up and partner had left me my fav chocolate etc. I got a call from partner shouting at me because I hadn't done the same e.g. card and gift in the morning.

Partner went on to moan about me to people, calling me a prick and is now going to hold this against me and never let me forget it.

When I did give the flowers in the evening partner still complained because at 10pm they were having to put them in a vase

Would you respond to that...damn well know people would be saying leave the bustard!

sammylady37 · 20/04/2021 23:23

@Mistressinthetulips

Quite a nasty tone coming out from some recent posters, who I think probably haven't read all of the OP's posts - clearly a lot more going on here than an otherwise lovely husband who wasn't prepared for his anniversary.
I’ve read all the posts. So, the one where the op swore at and gave “an earful” to her husband because he hadn’t done what she wanted him to do. And the one where she mocked his sexual performance. And the one where she complained about what he did give her, and the one where she was ridiculously dramatic about having to put flowers in a vase at 10pm (oh the horror!)

As a previous poster said, imagine if the op was a man who said he rang his wife at work and swore down the phone at her, who mocked her sexual performance and said he was unhappy with what she’d given him for their anniversary... he would r be getting support, that’s for sure.

RachelRavenR0th · 20/04/2021 23:27

Or maybe even...

Op starts a thread saying, its my wedding anniversary today, I had planned to buy card and gifts while I was at work to give in the evening. I know my partner well and she prefers to exchange cards in the morning of a special day but I dont, so I dont bother. I woke up and partner had left me my fav chocolate etc. I got a call from partner shouting at me because I hadn't done the same e.g. card and gift in the morning despite knowing that it is important to her. I just dont care about it enough to do think about it in advance of the day.

Partner went on to moan about me to people, calling me a prick and im now worried she is now going to hold this against me and never let me forget it so ill have to make more effort next time... then ‘forget’ again.

When I did give the flowers in the evening, right at the end of the anniversary, partner still complained because she was clearly an afterthought at 10pm and I’m so insensitive to my wife’s needs I cant even see why that makes me a prick.

Mistressinthetulips · 20/04/2021 23:45

I refuse to believe anyone makes a plan to give a card/gift at the very end of a special occasion when there was every opportunity to do it in the morning. We all know he just hadn't bought the stuff earlier, but keep defending thoughtlessness all you like.

cyclingmad · 20/04/2021 23:57

@Mistressinthetulips

I refuse to believe anyone makes a plan to give a card/gift at the very end of a special occasion when there was every opportunity to do it in the morning. We all know he just hadn't bought the stuff earlier, but keep defending thoughtlessness all you like.
Er I do, I know I'm going to work, I know there's flower and card shops nearby so pop out at lunch and get whats needed and after work celebrations take place.

I don't need to make a special trip the day before, esp because in the morning people are getting really focused on getting ready for working and getting out the door on time so then the complaint would be well he didn't spend the time to acknowledge what I had got in the morning cos he had to leave for work.

Lots of people do it.

You might think its thoughtless, many don't.

I'd love to know if OP husband called her names on their anniversary and complained to people about her and said he would never let her forget it.

Cos you know what I'd rather have someone who respected me not to do that then a card and flowers anyway.
But you know of material things make you happy so be it.

Original poster
BacktoBeingAGymBunny · 20/04/2021 23:59

Mother’s Day was similar. He went out to buy me flowers just before Tesco closed at about 11pm the night before and was surprised there were none left. It’s only in the last few years that he’s stopped saying ‘you’re not my mother so why do I need to do anything for you on Mother’s Day?’ I’ve never said that about Fathers Day of course, wouldn’t occur to me.

It’s just the complete lack of willing to want to do something nice for me or it being a last minute thing/afterthought that grates.

When we were dating he brought me flowers and chocolates every week so it’s not like it’s not in his personality. Stopped after we had DC. Funny that.

I think some posters are either jealous of me getting droopy flowers or have such low standards they think that is acceptable.

OP posts:
melj1213 · 21/04/2021 00:23

I refuse to believe anyone makes a plan to give a card/gift at the very end of a special occasion when there was every opportunity to do it in the morning.

If the options are leave a card and gift on the table as I'm walking out of the house for them to open once I have left, or give a card and gift when I get home from work in the evening when I can see them open them, I pick the second option every time.

lovepickledlimes · 21/04/2021 01:48

@melj1213 I feel exactly the same. Also I do think I would be more disappointed at DP working until 10pm that day then not getting a card in the morning.

Mummy1608 · 21/04/2021 04:50

It’s only in the last few years that he’s stopped saying ‘you’re not my mother so why do I need to do anything for you on Mother’s Day?’
Maybe this is a topic for another thread but... when the kids are small, i get that Dad has to write the mother's day card, and sign it "from dc" as dc can't write yet. But now your kids are grown up it's up to them to do that, right? Maybe I'm wrong, my dd isn't grown up yet, but that's what I'm expecting. Aibu?

sammylady37 · 21/04/2021 05:09

I think some posters are either jealous of me getting droopy flowers or have such low standards they think that is acceptable

Ha! Neither is the case with me actually, but instead I hold myself to certain standards of behaviour, even when I feel someone hasn’t met my requirements of how I’d like to be treated. I’ll behave with dignity, not go berating someone down the phone when they’re at work. I don’t feel that’s an acceptable way to behave.

Saltyslug · 21/04/2021 05:14

You’ve jumped the gun. Your anniversary is a whole 24 hours and so it’s no issue to leave gifts or celebrations till later in the day.

Saltyslug · 21/04/2021 05:16

I can see that years of him not marking occasions with gifts has fed into your over reaction.

cyclingmad · 21/04/2021 06:32

@BacktoBeingAGymBunny

Mother’s Day was similar. He went out to buy me flowers just before Tesco closed at about 11pm the night before and was surprised there were none left. It’s only in the last few years that he’s stopped saying ‘you’re not my mother so why do I need to do anything for you on Mother’s Day?’ I’ve never said that about Fathers Day of course, wouldn’t occur to me.

It’s just the complete lack of willing to want to do something nice for me or it being a last minute thing/afterthought that grates.

When we were dating he brought me flowers and chocolates every week so it’s not like it’s not in his personality. Stopped after we had DC. Funny that.

I think some posters are either jealous of me getting droopy flowers or have such low standards they think that is acceptable.

Lollllll jealous of you!!! Omg why would I be jealous when the the things i value are different to you.

I value having a partner that has a mindset where spending time together, showing me how they love me everyday instead of on certain days, who is mature enough not to act like a child and hold grudges.

Again I don't have low standards, they are pretty high thanks. If I had low standards then I'd have a partner who is like you, someone who is disrespectful, thinks its okay to call me a prick and mock my sexual performance. Thats pretty fecking low. Instead my standards are high and my partner respects me to never behave like that because the moment id be packing my bags. I simply don't tolerate it.

As for mothers day cards, your not his mother why would he do that.

You take other peoples viewpoints where they don't value the commercialisation of these things to be that we are jealous. You fail to understand that some of us don't care about cards, gifts or flowers.

For me flowers are a no go cos I have hay-fever. I dont see the point of cards cos I'd rather hear the person say it to me. If its an anniversary oe any ocaasionn really I value spending time with my partner / friends than any gifts. The greatest gift in the world is time! You cannot buy that and once its gone, its gone. But hey i must be jealous of not getting flowers right Hmm

grapewine · 21/04/2021 06:35

I’ve read all the posts. So, the one where the op swore at and gave “an earful” to her husband because he hadn’t done what she wanted him to do. And the one where she mocked his sexual performance. And the one where she complained about what he did give her, and the one where she was ridiculously dramatic about having to put flowers in a vase at 10pm (oh the horror!)

Me too. If he's that horrible maybe don't stay married. There is certainly nothing to be jealous of. You don't even sound like you like him.

BlackCatShadow · 21/04/2021 06:40

@cyclingmad

Lets do a reverse...

Op starts a thread saying, ita my wedding anniversary today, I had planned to buy card and gifts while I was at work to give in the evening. I woke up and partner had left me my fav chocolate etc. I got a call from partner shouting at me because I hadn't done the same e.g. card and gift in the morning.

Partner went on to moan about me to people, calling me a prick and is now going to hold this against me and never let me forget it.

When I did give the flowers in the evening partner still complained because at 10pm they were having to put them in a vase

Would you respond to that...damn well know people would be saying leave the bustard!

I think we all know that these things are just the tip of the iceberg.

It's like a thread where someone will post that their husband yelled at them for forgetting to buy milk. It's never just the one incident, it's always a huge catalog of ongoing abusive and shitty behavior.

So, if the OP's husband is generally a great guy, works hard, does loads around the house, is thoughtful, kind, generous, loving, and all other positive things, then I don't think this would have been an issue. I think this is just another example of him being a shitty, lazy, thoughtless husband and it pushed the OP over the edge.

CoconutMaracas · 21/04/2021 07:10

Op it’s good to have standards. He knows it’s important for you to receive things in the morning and he didn’t bother in his words.
If something is important to my dh ( even if it’s not particularly to me) I’ll make sure I do it. It’s being caring and loving to not just think about what’s easy for you or what you want. Some folk on here obviously get nothing from their partners and put up with it and justify that for whatever reason. Some of us would rather feel thought about.
When it’s so important to you to receive things in the morning and he deliberately keeps doing the opposite of course it grates, especially after years of the same behaviour and circular conversations about it!
How hard is it to just have it ready for the morning.

slashlover · 21/04/2021 07:17

He only had a line of the chocolate I bought him so I finished the rest wink.

FFS.

He actually has more opportunity to shop than me and will often bring stuff home.

Surely that's better than doing something because it's a specific date?

He knows I think you should wake up to presents and cards and not leave it till later in the day when the day is almost over. It just makes the day feel special. I’ve always done it for the DC and him and he normally does it for me.

And obviously you're way is the only right way.