To have told DH to stick his anniversary card where the sun don’t shine?

[BacktoBeingAGymBunny]

I actually told him to stick it up his arse but that was too impolite to put in the thread title.

This is the card that he’s apparently going to buy me today and give to me when he gets home from work at about 8-9pm.

Our (24th) wedding anniversary is today. He’s had the weekend off from Friday. He came down this morning to a beautifully wrapped present, thoughtfully written card and bar of his favourite expensive chocolate. I expected to come down to flowers and a card at least. He’d gone to work before I came down and I was just slightly devastated to come down to nothing. He just rang me to thank me for what I got him and got an earful.

I don’t want an afterthought late in the evening when the days almost over.

I put up with him being shit on birthdays, Mother’s Day and anniversaries for many years in our marriage but he’d started to put effort in the last few years or so. I’m bloody furious he couldn’t be bothered again, especially as he is extremely lucky to still be married to me (very hard 2 years in our relationship).

It’s not about him splashing the cash either. It’s the thought that counts IMO. That he actually gives a shit.

Fucking awful comments directed at the OP here. I hope you're proud.

OK so he's lucky to be married to her. So's my DH, to be married to me (and I to him). Mumsnet is quite willing to tell other women they deserve better from life than what they've chosen to put up with, but if a woman knows the actual value of her worth, she gets her arse handed to her on a plate. In the circumstances outlined here, she's quite right to expect a sight better than she's currently receiving.

OP, from reading your updates:

He can’t even be bothered to sort out his premature ejaculation that I’ve put up with since we got together (so I don’t even get decent sex out of it) and now this

That's the crux of your issues here, I suspect. There are probably other issues from reading between the lines of what you've posted, but his unwillingness to address this issue (quite a serious one in any relationship) seems to be symptomatic of his general attitude of 'don't give a fuck'. A small thing can end up being the straw that broke the camel's back in these situations.

I think this is what needs addressing if this marriage is to have a hope, albeit it's one that will need to be handled sensitively. And this isn't about being 'disrespectful' to your husband, in speaking about him in this way. It's about seeking advice from an anonymous forum when you're at the end of your tether over being with a partner who always takes yet is apparently willing to give very little.

I'd be verily pissed off as well.

How do you know you weren't going to get something after his work if he's started making an effort recently?

I don't think it matters if you like cards, or are into anniversaries or not. If your long term husband or wife is, and it's important to them, then as part of that relationship, isn't it just simply a nice thing to do, to make the effort to make that other person happy?

I can't stand golf, I simply don't 'get it', but if my dh said he wanted a set of golf clubs for Xmas, or would like a weekend away for his birthday to watch golf, I'd make the effort as it was important to him.

I think this is what the op means, it's not about the card, it's more about her dh's inability to see past his own wants and needs. Anniversaries might not be important to him. But they are to the op, so in my book he should at least make the effort. I see he didn't have any problems enjoying the chocolate the op bought.

After 24 years I would have thought you'd have known he was the sort to leave things to the last minute. That doesn't make it an after thought.

It's not worth being stressed about.

@daisyjgrey

Stuff like this pisses me right off. Apart from being wracked with grief or hospitalised with something catastrophic, there's no fathomable reason not be able to get your arse in gear to buy a card and gift for a loved one for an occasion. There are websites and iCal and fucking paper diaries. It's not bloody hard.

I'd be livid (and wouldn't have let him get away with being shit at birthdays either), and he could very much fuck right off. I'd want impeccable card purchasing behaviour from here on in. Bloody useless.

You'd want impeccable card purchasing behaviour? You'd feel happy that a card purchased anytime in advance and written by rote to hit the 'high notes', not because he cared but to escape your wrath?

Women deserve to set themselves free in any way they want to. By teaming up with somebody who doesn't want the same as them, doesn't have the same attitude to what matters to them, is doing themselves a disservice.

daisyjgrey, I'd be out of there in that case - if I were you or if I were him. A stampeding spouse is not fun.

OK so he's lucky to be married to her. So's my DH, to be married to me (and I to him). Mumsnet is quite willing to tell other women they deserve better from life than what they've chosen to put up with, but if a woman knows the actual value of her worth, she gets her arse handed to her on a plate.

If you deserve better, than get better.
You will be seen as hard work if you're spending 24 years complaining about someone not thinking to do something that they've never thought to do.

You are not a martyr in that situation. You are not owed any type of treatment. If you want a relationship in which you are treated in a certain way, it's on you to find that relationship, not browbeat someone for 2 and a half decades for not doing something that does not naturally occur to them.

At that point it sounds like you enjoy complaining more than actually having the thing you profess to want.

Additionally, an anniversary is (theoretically) about both of the participants in the relationship.
If the goal is for two people to show mutual appreciation for their relationship, I would argue that giving someone an earful is further away from that goal than not acknowledging it at all. I don't think a chocolate and a card makes up for it either.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Fucking awful comments directed at the OP here. I hope you're proud.

OK so he's lucky to be married to her. So's my DH, to be married to me (and I to him). Mumsnet is quite willing to tell other women they deserve better from life than what they've chosen to put up with, but if a woman knows the actual value of her worth, she gets her arse handed to her on a plate. In the circumstances outlined here, she's quite right to expect a sight better than she's currently receiving.

OP, from reading your updates:

He can’t even be bothered to sort out his premature ejaculation that I’ve put up with since we got together (so I don’t even get decent sex out of it) and now this

That's the crux of your issues here, I suspect. There are probably other issues from reading between the lines of what you've posted, but his unwillingness to address this issue (quite a serious one in any relationship) seems to be symptomatic of his general attitude of 'don't give a fuck'. A small thing can end up being the straw that broke the camel's back in these situations.

I think this is what needs addressing if this marriage is to have a hope, albeit it's one that will need to be handled sensitively. And this isn't about being 'disrespectful' to your husband, in speaking about him in this way. It's about seeking advice from an anonymous forum when you're at the end of your tether over being with a partner who always takes yet is apparently willing to give very little.

I'd be verily pissed off as well.

MarieIVanArkleStinks OK so he's lucky to be married to her. So's my DH, to be married to me (and I to him). Mumsnet is quite willing to tell other women they deserve better from life than what they've chosen to put up with, but if a woman knows the actual value of her worth, she gets her arse handed to her on a plate. In the circumstances outlined here, she's quite right to expect a sight better than she's currently receiving.

Quite, but from her husband. He doesn't want to. She deserves better but chooses and elects to have the same lack of attention and consideration. That is her responsibility.

You can't make somebody bother about things they are not bothered about. You can only remove them and/or yourself, from their orbit. This is 24 years later. Neither one seem to feel 'lucky' about their situation.

I find the 'lucky' comments nauseating. That's not what a marriage or relationship is in my book. It's never a case of luck, it's a case of putting in the time, risking hurt feelings and your heart sometimes - and still thinking it's worth it. Both parties have to feel that. About luck though, it is not.

I thought YANBU. I then read the update YA definitely NBU.
You don’t need anyone’s permission to leave. You don’t need a ‘reason’.
Being unhappy is reason enough.

Well you know what to do next time he's up forit, OP.

'Sorry, I guess if I gave a shit any more I would, but there's nothing in it for me and as that seems to be the MO for our relationship, why don't you give your right arm the old two-second workout instead?'

Fuck him. Or rather, don't.

browbeat someone for 2 and a half decades for not doing something that does not naturally occur to them

This is one of the funniest, selfish bastard serving things I have ever read on MN, or anywhere. The idea of that buying cards is something that comes naturally or people or not. Something they have a genetic aptitude for and will be able to achieve, or not.

If he can put dates in his work diary and meet deadlines he can certainly organise himself to buy a card. This was not a matter of it coming 'naturally' with the poor soul sadly being genetically deficient in this area, as if him buying a card is like expecting the blind to see on command, but just that he doesn't give a shit about OP because he chooses not to give a shit.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I take on board what you're saying. On the one hand, it's all very well not to make someone bother about what they're not bothered about, if all that amounts to is a card and a bunch of flowers on an anniversary or birthday.

When it's about a couple's sex life, when all one partner does is take and is completely unwilling to contribute to the other's satisfaction, it's quite another.

This isn't really about the anniversary. That's only a symptom.

@Dontcallmewifey

browbeat someone for 2 and a half decades for not doing something that does not naturally occur to them

This is one of the funniest, selfish bastard serving things I have ever read on MN, or anywhere. The idea of that buying cards is something that comes naturally or people or not. Something they have a genetic aptitude for and will be able to achieve, or not.

If he can put dates in his work diary and meet deadlines he can certainly organise himself to buy a card. This was not a matter of it coming 'naturally' with the poor soul sadly being genetically deficient in this area, as if him buying a card is like expecting the blind to see on command, but just that he doesn't give a shit about OP because he chooses not to give a shit.

of course he physically could do these things, but why do you think he didn't have a card waiting for OP? I think he forgot because he doesn't care about these dates and hasn't really cared for 24 years of their relationship.

It makes as much sense as her waking up tomorrow and feeling angry about the fact that he hasn't brought her a cup of tea like he hasn't for the past 24 years.

I say this as someone who literally creates yearly alarms to remind me when certain birthdays are coming up.

I don't particularly care if I don't get anything and the people who know me are usually forgiving if I miss one of my calendar reminders because they understand it is not caused by malice.

It is simply that birthdays, anniversaries and all similar occasions (including my own) are just not things that are at the forefront of my mind.

If they forgot my birthday in return, I wouldn't even notice. If I had a partner like OP, I'd much prefer that situation too.

MarielVanArkleStinks, the way I read it, this man isn't concerned at anything that the OP wants - not her expectations for demonstrations by card or present for occasions, not her wish for a better sex life with him. He does not care.

They have had two hard years. He agreed to do better and hasn't. He had every opportunity to think, "Oh, anniversary coming up, phone keeps pinging to remind me, I'd better get a card, write it now and have it ready for next week. I'll also pick up some perfume, chocolate, arrange flowers". He did none of that.

He knew it was important; you can't NOT know after 24 years.

His heart isn't in this and even his head can't be arsed. OP has a decision to make and it doesn't involve what husband thinks/will think.

Oh and I'm one of those who doesn't care to receive cards or presents for anything. I was on a recent graduation thread where OP was sad not to have had physical approbation of her achievement. I had to be coerced to my first one and refused to attend the second. I know my family cares about my academic achievements, I don't need frippery or applause because that's what it is to me. I accept that others feel differently and would duly make the fuss they expect

Same for birthdays. It's an absolute chore. I have all the dates,, check them each month, make sure to send cards, gifts, whatever, in good time. Does it come from the heart? No. Do I love those people? Yes I do. I do what matters to them and makes them happy.

OP's husband is possibly like me - or possibly not. I'm sure that he wasn't like this at dating stage. He no longer wants to do this any more than the OP does, that's what I think.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

MarielVanArkleStinks, the way I read it, this man isn't concerned at anything that the OP wants - not her expectations for demonstrations by card or present for occasions, not her wish for a better sex life with him. He does not care.

They have had two hard years. He agreed to do better and hasn't. He had every opportunity to think, "Oh, anniversary coming up, phone keeps pinging to remind me, I'd better get a card, write it now and have it ready for next week. I'll also pick up some perfume, chocolate, arrange flowers". He did none of that.

He knew it was important; you can't NOT know after 24 years.

His heart isn't in this and even his head can't be arsed. OP has a decision to make and it doesn't involve what husband thinks/will think.

All valid points. I don't disagree that it seems the rot has set in well and truly with this relationship.

Only OP knows whether she's willing to try and salvage it. PE is treatable, so I understand, if he wants it treated, but I also 'get' that it's a mortifying problem to many men.

I suspect you are right in what you say: he's never been willing to rectify this in all that time and is unlikely to now. In terms of that issue if he wasn't willing to at least discuss it and agree a way forward, consult doctors, etc, I think in OP's shoes I would have my answer.

*browbeat someone for 2 and a half decades for not doing something that does not naturally occur to them

This is one of the funniest, selfish bastard serving things I have ever read on MN, or anywhere. The idea of that buying cards is something that comes naturally or people or not. Something they have a genetic aptitude for and will be able to achieve, or not.*

The way I interpreted this, is not that certain people are naturally more CAPABLE than others of buying cards or 'doing occasions'; but that these things MEAN more to some people than to others. And those to whom they mean little are not necessarily 'selfish bastards': they may be, or they may just show caring, generosity and helpfulness in other ways, and not need a particular day on the calendar to do so. Yes, if it's important to their partner, they should seek to accommodate their wishes. But if you give your partner an earful and tell them to shove the card up their arse, then anything they do subsequently - whether it's giving their partner nothing, out of passive-aggressiveness or plain sulks, or giving them something out of fear - can't be viewed as a real gesture of sincere appreciation.

I do think that the dh in this case is a selfish bastard, if he really has pressured the OP to go to great effort to keep herself young and fit and physically attractive for him. If he hasn't and she just interprets things that way, then it's still not a good relationship.

Same for birthdays. It's an absolute chore. I have all the dates,, check them each month, make sure to send cards, gifts, whatever, in good time. Does it come from the heart? No. Do I love those people? Yes I do. I do what matters to them and makes them happy

Exactly this. And I bet you, unlike OPs husband, have good relationships. Because having good relationships is about being able to relate to the other person.

@SnowAllSpring

I've never had an anniversary card in my life and I wouldn't expect or want one. I don't understand why you would do a 'thoughtfully wrapped present' and expensive chocolate for someone who doesn't do that kind of thing.

I also don't consider that keeping myself fit or healthy is some sort of 'favour' for a man.

I don't think that premature ejaculation is an insult to you as a partner

I also don't think that sexual problems in a marriage are addressed or fixed by expensive or 'thoughtfully wrapped' (what does that even mean?!?) presents.

Your marriage may or may not be fixable but your attitudes and beliefs around it are really messed up.

Yep, agree with all this. After all this time OP, surely you know that your DH doesn't really go in for this stuff. Why keep doing it for him? If you want a card or whatever, just tell him a few days in advance!

This is an odd thread.

“He is extremely lucky to still be married to me”

@Dontcallmewifey

Same for birthdays. It's an absolute chore. I have all the dates,, check them each month, make sure to send cards, gifts, whatever, in good time. Does it come from the heart? No. Do I love those people? Yes I do. I do what matters to them and makes them happy

Exactly this. And I bet you, unlike OPs husband, have good relationships. Because having good relationships is about being able to relate to the other person.

I like to think I have good relationships; I genuinely love the people I'm in them with. That said, I'm adroit at managing my effort. It's not the money, it's the fluffy emotion stuff that's not in great supply. I do what I know people will like, what makes them feel good - and keeps me out of hot water.

I haven't a romantic thought in my head but, if called upon to do so, could do the approximation of a sonnet or something like it, to the standard needed by the other person. Although I genuinely care, I'm not a very nice person and it takes mental effort.

@RaspberryCoulis

I've been married 20 years this year and have never bought DH a card or an anniversary gift.

So what?

This is about @BacktoBeingAGymBunny and her feelings, hopes and marriage. She isn't wrong for being upset. Many people are hopeful and even if he never bought her a card for a special day before marriage it doesn't mean she is wrong to hope that might change. Maybe then she wasn't bothered. Same with the sex issue. They may not have slept together before marriage. She may have felt everything else was great and this was a small negative that could be lived with or worked on.

Just because you and many other posters claim to nor care whether you get a card or not doesn't mean the OP is wrong for wanting one.

The only thing is if the marriage was wonderful all the other days then maybe the lack of anniversary card wouldn't hit so hard.

Do you work, OP? I notice you said he'd gone to work before you came down, and he won't be back until 8/9pm. It's a lot easier to do stuff after work than before it, in my experience. And it's easy to sit and plan nice gifts and cards when you don't have a 12 hour workday.

@Hont1986

Do you work, OP? I notice you said he'd gone to work before you came down, and he won't be back until 8/9pm. It's a lot easier to do stuff after work than before it, in my experience. And it's easy to sit and plan nice gifts and cards when you don't have a 12 hour workday.

Quite.

OP you sound ridiculous.

Compulsory gift buying is just wearisome. Now he is going to have to get you something 'romantic' every year under duress. Enjoy!

Compulsory gift buying is just wearisome. Now he is going to have to get you something 'romantic' every year under duress.

Yeah, doing something nice that you know another person will appreciate and value is such a drag.