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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DH to stick his anniversary card where the sun don’t shine?

296 replies

BacktoBeingAGymBunny · 19/04/2021 10:18

I actually told him to stick it up his arse but that was too impolite to put in the thread title.

This is the card that he’s apparently going to buy me today and give to me when he gets home from work at about 8-9pm.

Our (24th) wedding anniversary is today. He’s had the weekend off from Friday. He came down this morning to a beautifully wrapped present, thoughtfully written card and bar of his favourite expensive chocolate. I expected to come down to flowers and a card at least. He’d gone to work before I came down and I was just slightly devastated to come down to nothing. He just rang me to thank me for what I got him and got an earful.

I don’t want an afterthought late in the evening when the days almost over.

I put up with him being shit on birthdays, Mother’s Day and anniversaries for many years in our marriage but he’d started to put effort in the last few years or so. I’m bloody furious he couldn’t be bothered again, especially as he is extremely lucky to still be married to me (very hard 2 years in our relationship).

It’s not about him splashing the cash either. It’s the thought that counts IMO. That he actually gives a shit.

OP posts:
SakuraEdenSwan1 · 19/04/2021 18:29

@BacktoBeingAGymBunny

He’s taken the chocolate to eat at work!

I’m so pissed off because it’s dawned on me recently that it’s always been me that’s had to make the effort in our relationship. He can’t even be bothered to sort out his premature ejaculation that I’ve put up with since we got together (so I don’t even get decent sex out of it) and now this.

Grow up
spookybitches · 19/04/2021 18:45

Why are people coming here and saying that 'I don't celebrate' and 'I don't see the point' etc etc? It's not about you. It's about the OP. If it matters to her, it matters to her.

GabsAlot · 19/04/2021 18:50

Is he home yet op?

HeckyPeck · 19/04/2021 18:54

Why are people coming here and saying that 'I don't celebrate' and 'I don't see the point' etc etc? It's not about you. It's about the OP. If it matters to her, it matters to her.

I can only guess it makes them feel superior.

Butwasitherdriveway · 19/04/2021 19:04

Omg.

He did buy a gift he was just giving her it after work. What is the problem?

Mistressinthetulips · 19/04/2021 19:23

And if you believe that... Grin
A gift purchased on the day is better than no gift, but one purchased before hand (or a card even) shows more thoughtfulness.

Butwasitherdriveway · 19/04/2021 19:38

@Mistressinthetulips

And if you believe that... Grin A gift purchased on the day is better than no gift, but one purchased before hand (or a card even) shows more thoughtfulness.
Surely you wait until he doesn't to kick off?
Babyroobs · 19/04/2021 19:39

Hopefully he's learned his lesson and you'll get something great for your 25th next year.

GlutenFreeGingerCake · 19/04/2021 19:52

I once forgot my anniversary so I can't talk, in my defence I am very bad with dates - I spent a couple of months earlier this year convinced I was a year older than I am until I was looking something up and realised. I normally remember things because we talk about what we will do but in this case DH decided to surprise me. Oops Blush luckily he took it ok and is still happy to tell the story forever after.

Babygotblueyes · 19/04/2021 20:02

@BacktoBeingAGymBunny

He’s taken the chocolate to eat at work!

I’m so pissed off because it’s dawned on me recently that it’s always been me that’s had to make the effort in our relationship. He can’t even be bothered to sort out his premature ejaculation that I’ve put up with since we got together (so I don’t even get decent sex out of it) and now this.

This struck a nerve! Sounds like he is not bothered about anyones feelings but his own. So sorry for you. I dont blame you for giving him an earful. Like you I suspect, I would rather have a card on the day that something expensive later.
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/04/2021 21:52

@HeckyPeck

Why are people coming here and saying that 'I don't celebrate' and 'I don't see the point' etc etc? It's not about you. It's about the OP. If it matters to her, it matters to her.

I can only guess it makes them feel superior.

How would it make anybody feel superior to do things a different way? Most posters have acknowledged how the OP feels - and she's entitled to feel any damn way she wants about this - but she has to take her own action. She's posted about her relationship on a chatboard and people have just given their views.

The term 'superior' is really overused - and doesn't make much sense.

Why not just disagree with posters' views rather than act like thread police?

stayathomer · 19/04/2021 22:01

I once forgot my anniversary so I can't talk
Our anniversary fall amongst loads of birthdays so we nearly always forget it, and can never afford to do anything for it and have gotten presents for each other near enough to it but end up getting a nice takeaway and having a lovely night in

lovepickledlimes · 19/04/2021 22:11

Are you sure he did not organize the gift some time ago and had it hidden at work or just needing pick it up in the store etc maybe he had to order it etc. Maybe he wanted it to be a surprise or see your face as you read the card and open the gifts etc. I know if it was me I would wait until the evening to open the card and gift together

Newkitchen123 · 19/04/2021 22:23

If he'd got you a card and present it looks like it would have been because he'd been told it was what was expected rather than because he wanted to. You sound like a spoilt child... Where's my present!
As for going to the gym to stay attractive for him surely you want this for yourself not for him? When I'm in the gym I'm certainly not thinking ooo he's really going to like the way I look if I run another mile!
The whole relationship sounds like hard work

Answeringwhyquestionssince2002 · 19/04/2021 22:57

Happy anniversary, I got married on exactly the same day as you OP, 24 years ago and everything.

My DH hasn't acknowledged it and won't unless I remind him. We don't go in for buying each other stuff - just leads to disappointment because he would never remember. Doesn't bother me but I can see that it's annoying when it's something you traditionally do as a couple.

1stmonkey · 19/04/2021 23:07

Yanbu if it's part and parcel of your relationship, but it seems odd to get so worked up about it to me.
My husband and i have both forgotten our anniversary for the last 5+ years (married 18, together 22). We now only remember when my mum texts to congratulate us. Whoever sees the text first and shouts Happy Anniversary is the winner for another year!
Can't bring myself to get worked up about it. He's pretty crap at birthdays, valentines and crimbo too, but we're married for 365 days a year. These points on a calendar are ultimately meaningless.

Nanny0gg · 19/04/2021 23:41

@Hont1986

Do you work, OP? I notice you said he'd gone to work before you came down, and he won't be back until 8/9pm. It's a lot easier to do stuff after work than before it, in my experience. And it's easy to sit and plan nice gifts and cards when you don't have a 12 hour workday.
He was off work Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

And presumably their anniversary is the same date every year?

Also, the WWW is very handy for cards and gifts these days. You don't even need to leave your house.

Nanny0gg · 19/04/2021 23:42

@1stmonkey

Yanbu if it's part and parcel of your relationship, but it seems odd to get so worked up about it to me. My husband and i have both forgotten our anniversary for the last 5+ years (married 18, together 22). We now only remember when my mum texts to congratulate us. Whoever sees the text first and shouts Happy Anniversary is the winner for another year! Can't bring myself to get worked up about it. He's pretty crap at birthdays, valentines and crimbo too, but we're married for 365 days a year. These points on a calendar are ultimately meaningless.
To you...
lovepickledlimes · 19/04/2021 23:51

@Nanny0gg maybe he did already plan it all then but wanted to organize it after work so she would not know what she is getting by stumbling across it at home or finding out by accident

Justilou1 · 20/04/2021 02:16

If he came home with just a card or a shit card and some service station flowers he’d be eating them for dinner.

Ericaequites · 20/04/2021 04:13

I bought cards at my Dad’s request from 13 or so. I was also expected to tell Dad what Mom wanted for Mother’s Day, anniversaries and Christmas.

I’m the one at work who warned several new fathers that the mothers of their babies expected cards and gifts the Thursday before Mother’s Day, not just their mothers. They all were dismissive until their immediate boss who had an adult son agreed with me.

sammylady37 · 20/04/2021 06:21

@Babyroobs

Hopefully he's learned his lesson and you'll get something great for your 25th next year.
Yes. Won’t it be so deep and meaningful to get a present that he has bought because he wants to avoid getting sworn at and ‘an earful’ while at work, rather than a gesture he has spontaneously thought of and actively wishes to do. But I’m sure it’ll be a ‘beautifully wrapped’ gift and ‘thoughtfully written’ card so the op can go on feeling appreciated and like he understands how ‘extremely lucky’ he is to be married to her despite the fact she clearly resents him. Extremely lucky indeed.
honeybuns007 · 20/04/2021 06:35

@Pyewackect

You sound hard work !.
Raise your expectations a little in life. You set the bar too low if you consider acknowledgement on the morning of your anniversary as demanding. You are worth more than you seem to value yourself
honeybuns007 · 20/04/2021 06:36

@Ericaequites

I bought cards at my Dad’s request from 13 or so. I was also expected to tell Dad what Mom wanted for Mother’s Day, anniversaries and Christmas. I’m the one at work who warned several new fathers that the mothers of their babies expected cards and gifts the Thursday before Mother’s Day, not just their mothers. They all were dismissive until their immediate boss who had an adult son agreed with me.
The Thursday before Mother's Day? What day is this??? What am I learning today?
lovepickledlimes · 20/04/2021 06:44

@honeybuns007 why is they gift and card any less thoughtful if presented after work in the evening. It's the fact that OP gave her husband an earful just because he decided to bring the gift anc card after work that I would find bizzar and hard work