To have told DH to stick his anniversary card where the sun don’t shine?

[BacktoBeingAGymBunny]

I actually told him to stick it up his arse but that was too impolite to put in the thread title.

This is the card that he’s apparently going to buy me today and give to me when he gets home from work at about 8-9pm.

Our (24th) wedding anniversary is today. He’s had the weekend off from Friday. He came down this morning to a beautifully wrapped present, thoughtfully written card and bar of his favourite expensive chocolate. I expected to come down to flowers and a card at least. He’d gone to work before I came down and I was just slightly devastated to come down to nothing. He just rang me to thank me for what I got him and got an earful.

I don’t want an afterthought late in the evening when the days almost over.

I put up with him being shit on birthdays, Mother’s Day and anniversaries for many years in our marriage but he’d started to put effort in the last few years or so. I’m bloody furious he couldn’t be bothered again, especially as he is extremely lucky to still be married to me (very hard 2 years in our relationship).

It’s not about him splashing the cash either. It’s the thought that counts IMO. That he actually gives a shit.

Maybe he wanted to actually give you a card and present while he was there, rather than just leaving it out for you to open after he had gone to work? I think its more thoughtful to actually physically give a gift to someone, even if it is later in the day, than just leave it on the table for the sake of them opening it first thing.

But from your follow ups it is clear that you have bigger issues in your relationship than an anniversary card.

My DH doesn't see the point in anniversary cards and presents - he thinks it's just commercialisation. I would appreciate a card and some flowers at least.

So does he do what I think is right or do I accept what he thinks is right? We agreed we'd celebrate by going for a nice meal every year - no cards or presents. It's a compromise and probably why we're in our 3rd decade together. If I'd told him to shove an anniversary card up his arse because it hadn't materialised on the morning of our anniversary I don't think we'd have made it to the next anniversary.

It sounds as though there are several problems in your relationship, and you are focusing on a minor issue as a sort of symbol of bigger problems. Suppose that he had given you a great gift and card, but still made no effort to sort out the other issues - would that really make up for the other things?

He can’t even be bothered to sort out his premature ejaculation

Sorry, but that made me laugh. It was so unexpected & delivered so drily!

I'm sorry you're upset, I'm sorry he's not learned much along the way. 24 years is a long time & you'd think he'd have cottoned in before now. However, he's shown you what he's like, did you really expect to come down to cards/flowers/a present?

I understand you want to feel loved/special/card fir- especially in your anniversary & especially when it's been a particularly hard couple of years, but I think you set yourself up for disappointment this morning. He's just not going to suddenly become a hearts & flowers man after years of not doing it. Not from his heart anyway.

If he was kind, loving & thoughtful in other ways, then it might be worth giving up expecting to be shown his live hiw you'd like him to show it, but if things have been hard for two years, do you really need to think about whether this marriage still has any legs? Hard as it is to separate after such a long time, you have the rest of your life ahead of you, you need to think about the future, not the past 💐

My DH doesn't see the point in anniversary cards and presents - he thinks it's just commercialisation

A lot of tightwad men conveniently think this to get out of making an effort or spending money in their OHs. I bet he's not anti-commercialisation when it comes to treating himself

After 24 years I would think you'd be past all the presents and cards. We don't do any of that stuff, I don't know anyone who does either. It's just another day. If it were something like 25 year, 50th or something, yeah, but every yeah? We don't do anything for Mother's/Father's Day either, really. To be honest you sound like hard work. Men don't really care about that stuff especially. You both have different expectations. You seem materialistic and expect a big demonstration and tat, and he doesn't. You either adjust your expectations, or call it quits.

I would always rather wait to hand over gifts in person rather than just leaving them for the other to find- so to me, your reaction is unreasonable. However, it seems to me that there are actually other relationship issues and this is just your trigger point?

I think you need to consider what's really going on.

Perhaps he’d rather be divorced? Honestly, if my relationship had been so difficult for two whole years I’d be thinking more about how to leave it than dating around buying chocolates and cards and telling my partner how lucky they were to still be with me.

Some people (myself included) just don't have gifts/milestones as their love language.

We don't mark anniversaries or Valentine's day. But neither do we have a Love Language 🤣

Some people (myself included) just don't have gifts/milestones as their love language. I wouldn't be bothered at all if my dh didn't remember our anniversary. But I would be hugely bothered if he gave me an earful about something without giving me the chance of fix it. Sounds like there are miscommunications in your relationship, and you escalating it will not solve it

Same with me.

I suppose it runs in my family. My parents were happily married for nearly 40 years till my dad died, but they made so little of their anniversary that, if I were asked for the date of my parents' marriage, I would have to look it up in my documents file (I know the year, but not the exact date).

But it does seem that in this particular case it's a symptom of other problems.

@WerkWerkWerkWerkWerkWerkWerk

Oh god, my partner of 12 years is absolutely terrible when it comes to things like this. I've realised he really doesn't care, his family don't bother, so I've scaled back and actually find it a relief to not put effort in myself. The important bit is he is utterly fantastic in other areas, such as childcare, loyalty, support etc. If your partner is the same, I'd say I sympathise (my female relatives are big on cards/presents/making an effort and would be upset if I didn't reciprocate) but don't mistake thoughtlessness for not caring full stop. If however, he is lacking in other areas, perhaps this is just the straw that's breaking the camel's back...

We don't make a big deal or birthdays/anniversaries/days the card industry have decided we must celebrate. Not that we don't buy presents, we really do, but we buy them because it feels like a nice thing to do, we see something appropriate or we just have some spare cash. It is spontaneous.

My DIL comes from a family where big cards and big presents are a must. Well I have 3 DsIL but it is one where you must be seen to "care" and we find it a pain. We all try to live up to her expectations to save DS the grief he gets if everyone's efforts don't live up to her standards.

It's bloody miserable in my view.

Why are you surprised at no gift waiting for you? your husband hasn't changed but your expectations have.
Is he a great husband in other ways? Some men don't see the point in cards

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

My DH doesn't see the point in anniversary cards and presents - he thinks it's just commercialisation

A lot of tightwad men conveniently think this to get out of making an effort or spending money in their OHs. I bet he's not anti-commercialisation when it comes to treating himself

To be fair he is consistent.

It just sounds like in general you feel unloved OP, and that you're the one putting the effort in, whilst he just takes. Wait until things are calmer and really think about what you want from this relationship and whether it's possible to achieve that. If it's not possible, can you accept a compromise? If you can't compromise (and there's no reason why you should) then leave.

When I say there's no reason to compromise on what you want, of course relationships do involve compromise. My OH is amazing in many ways, but is never really going to care about our anniversary. That I can well accept. But if you cannot accept it, and if your H is in fact shit in many other ways too, then consider moving on.

*My DH doesn't see the point in anniversary cards and presents - he thinks it's just commercialisation

A lot of tightwad men conveniently think this to get out of making an effort or spending money in their OHs. I bet he's not anti-commercialisation when it comes to treating himself*

Not always. Some are. But there are people - of both sexes- who are great at giving gifts and spending on their partners and families, but just don't tie it to specific days.

There are others who are tightwads for themselves as well as everyone else, and place a great emphasis on saving money, even if not poor (to be fair, often these are people who had been poor in the past.)

I couldn't care less. I very rarely almost never buy cards and certainly don't do them to order.

@BacktoBeingAGymBunny

He’s taken the chocolate to eat at work!

I’m so pissed off because it’s dawned on me recently that it’s always been me that’s had to make the effort in our relationship. He can’t even be bothered to sort out his premature ejaculation that I’ve put up with since we got together (so I don’t even get decent sex out of it) and now this.

You sound utterly miserable in your marriage, why would you want to celebrate that?

After 24 years I would think you'd be past all the presents and cards.

I think it's even MORE reason to celebrate if the marriage is good and strong and loving! My parents made a lovely fuss of each other, buying a thoughtful gift (not expensive) and spending time together on the day every year up until my Mum passed away - they were married for nearly 60 years. They saw it as a chance to celebrate their special day and what they loved about each other, aside from their role as Mum/Dad etc. It was an acknowledgment of their deep love for one another.

YANBU OP. It just kinds sums up the difference between you doesn't it - you've put time, thought and effort in and he hasn't. It's bleak when it's such a stark comparison in front of you. Hope he has a think and improves.

I view presents for each other as depleting our joint cash that we could spend on joint activities, but I assume he knew you expected a present based on past form. Guess it's over then.

A bit thoughtless but is he a good husband overall?

YANBU. and all the misers on this thread telling you to cheer up and it's not his love language are missing the point that the sun doesn't orbit around him and a little acknowledgement and appreciation after two decades of commitment is not much to ask really. Lack of thought can be terribly hurtful.

id be annoyed for sure, but i think after 24 years of it, the tone has been well and truly set. Does he have redeeming qualities, or is the crap sex and the lack of thoughtfulness around special occasions part of a much bigger picture?

I do expect my partner to do something like a card or gift for occasions, even though he isnt naturally inclined, I made it clear I wanted that and he usually does, but i would certainly give him till the end of the day, and I would usually make sure he remembers the event is coming up by reminding him.
I do it with my children too. I remind them, because its important to other people that they get used to the fact that most people expect these things and its ok

I'd be annoyed and upset, too. Is it possible he's arranged a surprise?

A lot of tightwad men conveniently think this to get out of making an effort or spending money in their OHs. I bet he's not anti-commercialisation when it comes to treating himself

Hmm... I am one of those. I told DH very very early on in our relatiohip that those things don't matter to me. I don't care about valentine day, mother's day etc... If you want to show me you care, do it on a daily basis with small acts rather than with a card with a heart on it (or a present etc...)

There was no affair, or rather no evidence found, but some other stuff was uncovered and home truths were told which was difficult to come back from but we agreed we wanted to. We have been through stuff which would have broken a lot of marriages in terms of bad luck. The PE has become more apparent in lockdown as we don’t have the house to ourselves ever so can’t have lengthy sessions with two or three rounds. It’s all over literally as soon as it’s in (apologies for TMI) and he can’t even be bothered to look up techniques to help him as I’ve suggested and have done for many years.

I’m coming up to 50 and I think I deserve better after putting my body through having 5 kids. I’ve put a lot of work into my physical fitness and trying to stay attractive for him and it’s wasted on him.

It is the straw which broke the camels back definitely.

I believe a special day should be acknowledged at the beginning of it not the end! He knows this very well.