To have told DH to stick his anniversary card where the sun don’t shine?

[BacktoBeingAGymBunny]

I actually told him to stick it up his arse but that was too impolite to put in the thread title.

This is the card that he’s apparently going to buy me today and give to me when he gets home from work at about 8-9pm.

Our (24th) wedding anniversary is today. He’s had the weekend off from Friday. He came down this morning to a beautifully wrapped present, thoughtfully written card and bar of his favourite expensive chocolate. I expected to come down to flowers and a card at least. He’d gone to work before I came down and I was just slightly devastated to come down to nothing. He just rang me to thank me for what I got him and got an earful.

I don’t want an afterthought late in the evening when the days almost over.

I put up with him being shit on birthdays, Mother’s Day and anniversaries for many years in our marriage but he’d started to put effort in the last few years or so. I’m bloody furious he couldn’t be bothered again, especially as he is extremely lucky to still be married to me (very hard 2 years in our relationship).

It’s not about him splashing the cash either. It’s the thought that counts IMO. That he actually gives a shit.

[cyclingmad]

Op you wrote

I’m so pissed off because it’s dawned on me recently that it’s always been me that’s had to make the effort in our relationship. He can’t even be bothered to sort out his premature ejaculation that I’ve put up with since we got together (so I don’t even get decent sex out of it) and now this


So if ever since you got with him you weren't happy with his sexual performance did you eveb carry on dating him, was it because when you were he bought you chocolates and flowers everyday as you said in another post.

Why would you continue on in a relationship, let alone get married and have 5 kids with him, perhaps all the gift buying in those days is what you valued too much that you ignored and compromised and ignored the red flags

[sammylady37]

Some of us would rather feel thought about

Even if the thought is “Jesus I better get her something to acknowledge our anniversary and have it ready for the morning or else she’ll go off on one and throw a strop ” rather than “ooh, DW would love this, I’ll get it for her and it’ll be a lovely surprise”?

[CoconutMaracas]

@sammylady37

Some of us would rather feel thought about

Even if the thought is “Jesus I better get her something to acknowledge our anniversary and have it ready for the morning or else she’ll go off on one and throw a strop ” rather than “ooh, DW would love this, I’ll get it for her and it’ll be a lovely surprise”?

Yep

[ddl1]

Some of us would rather feel thought about.

I like to feel thought about; but I wish to be thought about every day - not to need a 'special day' for it.

I agree that one should respect a persons wishes about their presents/celebrations (I would find it very hard to forgive someone who wished me a happy birthday, when I had clearly told them that my birthday must NEVER be acknowledged). But I don't think that choosing morning versus evening is intrinsically a sign of thought or caring: just the individual's preference.

Anyway, we are all, myself included, focussing on a relatively trivial incident, rather than the most worrying thing: that either the OP's husband considers it her duty to keep herself young-looking and 'in shape' FOR HIM; or she perceives him as doing so. If he can't accept her as she is, especially after five children, and he demands that she work on looking a certain way for him, that is far far worse than a late card. Or is she just assuming that his sexual problems must mean that she isn't looking the way he wants? Either way, THIS is the most serious problem IMO.

[CoconutMaracas]

@ddl1 I agree, I expect to be thought about always and not just special occasions. I think someone who is a thoughtful partner can do both (and normally would as they are thoughtful generally)
The sexual issue is the biggest problem for certain. Op what will you do about this going forward?

[Newkitchen123]

OP if you'd have posted that you were a little disappointed that your anniversary wasn't acknowledged until he got home or whatever then I would maybe have agreed with you. And I suspect the responses you got on here would have been more gentle.
It's the way you went about it that has got people's backs up. The way you mocked him, the way you shouted at him. That's what bothered me the most.
Clearly there are issues in the marriage but what you want is for it all to look well, with the cards and the flowers, because that appears to be your perception of a good relationship, rather than to get to the bottom of the issues.
As for Mother's Day, the clue is in the name. If your kids are old enough then it's up to them to do something.
As for people being jealous.... I'll just leave that bit!

[cyclingmad]

[quote CoconutMaracas]@ddl1 I agree, I expect to be thought about always and not just special occasions. I think someone who is a thoughtful partner can do both (and normally would as they are thoughtful generally)
The sexual issue is the biggest problem for certain. Op what will you do about this going forward?[/quote]
Op knew about this since she started dating him, she had plenty of opportunity to do something about it! Instead knowing all of this she still got married and had kids and is still after all this time complaining about it!!!

How can you continue to complain about something you know about from the start, at some point you accept it.

[CoconutMaracas]

Yes, I wouldn’t have married someone who never got it or tried. That’s making a rod for your own back!

[ChairmansReserve]

I think some posters are either jealous of me getting droopy flowers or have such low standards they think that is acceptable.

Yes, we all wish we could have sexually dysfunctional husbands who show no interest in us. How astute.

[HoppingPavlova]

I think some posters are either jealous of me getting droopy flowers or have such low standards they think that is acceptable.

Yes, that’s it. Everyone is jealous of your situation. Everyone aims to be as happy as you seem to be with this situation instead of being perfectly happy with things as they have them and everyone aspires to tie themselves in emotional knots if this doesn’t transpire.

[Devlesko]

You are obviously bitter and resentful towards him, either accept who he is or move on. It's not like you don't know who is is yet.
You can't change who he is and you shouldn't want to if it's a good relationship.
Why should he take your attitude towards cards and presents, why don't you take his. There's no right or wrong here, just different philosophies.
I don't like flowers for mothers day/ valentines as too expensive.
Other times of the year dh might by some or I might buy him some. No big deal.

[Rubyupbeat]

Bloodybhell, some of you are so bloody vicious, it's always the go to on here, tell him to fuck off or leave him.
So childish, over a late card and no present.
What a charmed life, if this is such a big problem!!

[Butwasitherdriveway]

@Mistressinthetulips

From home
Hardly the same as bringing something home after work to somebody he sitting in the house moaning that it wasn't left in the morning

[HeckyPeck]

Complying to the OPs demands and the expectations of Hallmarks is hardly spontaneous. Coming home on a Friday night with a bar of her favourite chocolate would be a more spontaneous, and genuine, effort to show her he cares.

But OPs husband doesn't do that either from what she's said.

Having expectations to be shown you are loved in a very easy way is the bare minimum in a relationship surely.

[HeckyPeck]

There are some really fucking spiteful comments on here.

Dont take it personally OP. A lot of people just love to kick people when they are down.

[TiredoutMum93]

Wow some harsh women on here. 24 years deserves at least a card come on! My ex was like this. Thoughtless. Selfish. In the end I got rid and found someone better. It’s a load of rubbish making excuses for him. He knew it was your anniversary and still didn’t make the effort. Get rid!

[AntikytheraMech]

How can people be so disgusting towards other people? Talk with him, or ltb?

[cyclingmad]

Not harsh, not vicious esp when OP has openly said from when she met him she had issues about his premature ejaculation and instead of moving on to someone else, continues on with the relationship. She also says he bought her choc, cards, flowers right at the beginning of dating.

So what comes across is that basically despite her clearly obvious unhappiness about his premature ejaculation the fact he bought her stuff must of persuaded her to continue on with him.

She said he stopped after they had children so she has had years where he did do what she wanted.

You can say I'm harsh or vicious but I'd never call my partner a prick or hold a childsh grudge esp over material, commercialised crap like cards.

[Maggiesfarm]

I couldn't get worked up over something like this. Life is too short.

[Starseeking]

He's not displaying any care towards you OP, if you've mentioned this bothers you previously. My soon to be exP is the same. Lack of care can kill a relationship dead.

[CokeDrinker]

@BacktoBeingAGymBunny

Butwasitherdriveway

grapewine
You had some notion in your head of wanting a surprise in the morning because that's what you did for him and because he didn't do the same as you, you threw a fit instead of waiting to see after work if he was doing anything for you.

Pretty much. Why is he an idiot?
Becuase he's a man.

I actually didn’t think he was going to even get me a card seeing as he didn’t leave anything and I knew was going to be out at work until late in the evening. Surely in that scenario you would have one ready in the morning? As it was I was having to trim and fit flowers into vases at 10pm. They were a bit droopy as they’d been out of water for most of the day! He could easily have bought flowers the day before and left them in some water in the garage. And got a card.

Why upset me and make me think he wasn’t going to get me anything? He is a complete prick and I won’t let him forget it.

Quiche was very nice though - ate the whole thing . Just right for after the gym.

He actually only works 4 days a week. Longer than normal hours granted but still only 4. I WFH 5 days a week and deal with all the household and DC crap too!

I don’t know what done of you are on but I don’t think IWBU at all.

@BacktoBeingAGymBunny Wow, you really have no remorse and don't see what a self-aborbed and immature child you have come across, do you? You still haven't learned even after all these posts? You're like a child who DEMANDS a present and WHEN they want it. And you ate most of his present (I suspect you only got it secretly so you could spite him and eat it) and the quiche.

You have no regard for your husband's feelings. I feel sorry for him, you really do come across as self-centred, childish and couldn't give a stuff what he wants. It's all about what you want, isn't it? No wonder he couldn't be bothered. If I lived with a self-absorbed controlling narcissist I wouldn't be bothered, either. Wake up to yourself.