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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DH to stick his anniversary card where the sun don’t shine?

296 replies

BacktoBeingAGymBunny · 19/04/2021 10:18

I actually told him to stick it up his arse but that was too impolite to put in the thread title.

This is the card that he’s apparently going to buy me today and give to me when he gets home from work at about 8-9pm.

Our (24th) wedding anniversary is today. He’s had the weekend off from Friday. He came down this morning to a beautifully wrapped present, thoughtfully written card and bar of his favourite expensive chocolate. I expected to come down to flowers and a card at least. He’d gone to work before I came down and I was just slightly devastated to come down to nothing. He just rang me to thank me for what I got him and got an earful.

I don’t want an afterthought late in the evening when the days almost over.

I put up with him being shit on birthdays, Mother’s Day and anniversaries for many years in our marriage but he’d started to put effort in the last few years or so. I’m bloody furious he couldn’t be bothered again, especially as he is extremely lucky to still be married to me (very hard 2 years in our relationship).

It’s not about him splashing the cash either. It’s the thought that counts IMO. That he actually gives a shit.

OP posts:
ddl1 · 19/04/2021 11:29

I’ve put a lot of work into my physical fitness and trying to stay attractive for him and it’s wasted on him.

This is the bit that DOES shock me. If he expects/ demands that you 'work' on your physical attractiveness to him (I presume this means trying to hide/combat all signs of ageing), then he is not a good partner.- and this is much more important than his not giving you a nice card.

Lafoosa · 19/04/2021 11:32

I'd definitely be upset too. I've not been with my OH for as long as that, but it took him 3 years of being together to even get me a birthday card, he's only done mother's Day once in the 3 years we've had kids and that's because I kept reminding him all week until the night before when he went to get some flowers.
Last year for mother's day he thought I was being silly because my sister got me a card and chocolate and he did nothing so I was upset he didn't think of me.

I think the comments about kicking him out are a bit OTT.

I don't have any advice unfortunately, but I can empathize.

DrSbaitso · 19/04/2021 11:33

It's obvious from your posts that the card is a symptom. You wouldn't feel this way about it if you felt loved and cherished in other ways.

His apparent lack of care overall is the problem. I don't know exactly how you could communicate that to him best or how he could understand it and change his ways, but I don't think it is necessarily an insoluble problem. He needs to care about it enough to want to make a change. Does he? Will he?

katmarie · 19/04/2021 11:34

I think it matters to you, and that's the point. After 24 years he should know it matters to you. If he had a different perspective then fine, he can communicate his feelings on the issue and you can come to a compromise, as others on this thread have. But if he doesn't value you enough to have the discussion, or to acknowledge your marriage after what sounds like a trying couple of years, then I can understand why you are upset.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/04/2021 11:36

It’s not really about the card and present is it? I suspect it’s about being taken for granted. How your needs get ignored.

I think all those people saying anniversaries don’t matter to them doesn’t change the fact that they do matter to the OP. After 24 years her DH should understand that and make an effort.
If they have been through a tough time and the OP thought they were both working hard at the marriage then this might feel like a bucket of cold water being chucked over her.

p.s. DH and I don’t do anniversary cards but doesn’t make the people who do wrong.

Topseyt · 19/04/2021 11:37

@granny24

I don’t know when our anniversary is without looking it up! I’m sure DH doesn’t either. My parents who were devoted, never celebrated. Being happy together is enough.
We are the same. As were my parents. Wedding anniversaries usually forgotten by both of us and we never bothered with cards. If and when something happened to remind us that it was our wedding anniversary then we would book a table and head out for a meal.

Sounds like OP us trying to work through other problems though.

wesowereonabreak · 19/04/2021 11:39

Did he KNOW how important everything, including card is for you from first thing in the morning?

As long as you haven't kept quiet about it, it's obviously YABU to be a dick and ignore what he knows matter to you.

I don't do cards for people who live in my house and we tend to celebrate coming home, not first thing in the morning, so in itself, I don't find waiting for the evening to give a gift awful, but it goes against he knows you want. It's not right.

PerveenMistry · 19/04/2021 11:39

Five kids with someone you clearly feel so much contempt for. One wonders why.

PerveenMistry · 19/04/2021 11:41

@Lafoosa

I'd definitely be upset too. I've not been with my OH for as long as that, but it took him 3 years of being together to even get me a birthday card, he's only done mother's Day once in the 3 years we've had kids and that's because I kept reminding him all week until the night before when he went to get some flowers. Last year for mother's day he thought I was being silly because my sister got me a card and chocolate and he did nothing so I was upset he didn't think of me.

I think the comments about kicking him out are a bit OTT.

I don't have any advice unfortunately, but I can empathize.

Of what value is a gift if the giver has to be nagged and reminded repeatedly?

CokeDrinker · 19/04/2021 11:42

@ancientgran *That goes both ways though, the OP knows he isn't bothered but she gets him a present (beautifully wrapped) chocolate and a card then he gets an earful. I bet he'd much rather have just had a cheery happy anniversary and forget the present etc.

The fact they want different things is an issue but insisting he has to do it her way isn't very fair.*

Well said!

CokeDrinker · 19/04/2021 11:43

@SnowAllSpring

I've never had an anniversary card in my life and I wouldn't expect or want one. I don't understand why you would do a 'thoughtfully wrapped present' and expensive chocolate for someone who doesn't do that kind of thing.

I also don't consider that keeping myself fit or healthy is some sort of 'favour' for a man.

I don't think that premature ejaculation is an insult to you as a partner

I also don't think that sexual problems in a marriage are addressed or fixed by expensive or 'thoughtfully wrapped' (what does that even mean?!?) presents.

Your marriage may or may not be fixable but your attitudes and beliefs around it are really messed up.

And this!
Bluesheep8 · 19/04/2021 11:44

Last year for mother's day he thought I was being silly because my sister got me a card and chocolate and he did nothing so I was upset he didn't think of me.

I honestly don't mean to be rude but you're not his mother, or your sister's mother.

Ninkanink · 19/04/2021 11:47

I didn’t see the comment about premature ejaculation. Sad

I agree. @BacktoBeingAGymBunny you’ve said some really messed up things. Perhaps your anger and resentment is spilling out in what you say here. But those are really not healthy ways of relating to the person you love/who loves you.

I think your marriage is dead - the love, if it was ever really present, is gone, and you need to get out.

stackemhigh · 19/04/2021 11:48

Return his present.

Never buy him a present or a card ever again.

YANBU.

tiredmum2468 · 19/04/2021 11:49

@BacktoBeingAGymBunny
I have one question

Why the bloody hell are you still married to him if you feel like this???

I'd just leave if I was that miserable, what's the point??

AryaStarkWolf · 19/04/2021 11:50

My friend reminded me the following day was my wedding anniversary last year and then i reminded my DH, neither of us remember it very often, not big anniversary people. Does you usually buy stuff?

JassyRadlett · 19/04/2021 11:54

It’s kind of irrelevant whether anniversaries are important to other posters. They’re important to the OP and as such a decent partner would recognise that, and make the effort to make her feel valued when it matters to her.

There are things that aren’t important to me in the slightest - that I think are a bit daft really - that my husband really cares about. So I put effort into those things, because I care about him - not just about my own feelings.

Twoforthree · 19/04/2021 11:55

We always wait till the evening when we are not so rushed.

I think this is an overreaction, but it is indicative of other problems.

Justilou1 · 19/04/2021 12:07

I think you have every reason to be fucking furious. It sounds like he’s not really invested in the relationship side of your life at all. Maybe go away for a while and see what he thinks.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/04/2021 12:14

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

He’s in the wrong completely not to acknowledge the day and get you something, as it is clearly important to you.

However, I guess giving him an earful when he phones slightly negates the benefit of getting him a nice card, present etc. He might have preferred no present and no earful!

I’d chat about it calmly on another day so that the message sinks in.

I agree with this. If you feel that you have to give someone an 'earful' when they don't do something you expected then there's no way to recover the day, it's not going to be a pleasant or notable experience anyway now, except in a very miserable way.

He doesn't feel the same way you do, OP. Or he'd do things the same way that you do. He's been with you long enough to know what you would like and he isn't doing it. Over to you.

I take real issue with the fact that you say he's 'lucky to be married to you'. You've had two 'hard years' as you say. You get to make a decision as to whether you still want to be married or not. You're not the arbiter or the 'boss' of the marriage. You either want to be in it or you don't.

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 19/04/2021 12:16

"Some men don't see the point in cards" hmmm ok but if he's married to someone who does, and he's had all weekend to pop out and get one knowing it'll mean a lot to his wife, then why wouldn't he?

I feel for you OP, it's nothing about cards, it's about effort, and him dashing out in his lunch hour doesn't really cut it. You're not being hard work to want to be more than an afterthought.

bloodyhell19 · 19/04/2021 12:16

I don't think you're unreasonable for being disappointed in the lack of effort, but I think perhaps you're using the lack of effort to finally let fly at everything else that you've acknowledged and tried to move on from.

24 years is quite an accomplishment, but if I were you and I was this angry and upset, I would think that the next 24 years aren't worth being stuck in the same cycle. You deserve someone who makes an equal effort; he probably deserves someone that realizes and is ok with presents & cards not being his thing. I think it would be kinder to both of you to part ways, or at least just emotionally detach from each other if separation isn't an option.

ExConstance · 19/04/2021 12:21

You are totally OK to feel devastated by this. My DH never forgets or fails to mark birthdays or anniversaries, this gives me such a warm glow and feelings of being cared for. We only do cards for our wedding anniversary and perhaps a meal out but jst the card makes me so happy.

EKGEMS · 19/04/2021 12:23

@SnowAllSpring Simply because you have never had something doesn't reduce the value for someone else. Premature ejaculation in a relationship that leaves to decreased sexual satisfaction is wrong if the partner refuses to seek help for it.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 19/04/2021 12:25

Buy yourself an anniversary card and present in future. Tell him you're congratulating yourself on having managed to get through another year living with him.