To have told DH to stick his anniversary card where the sun don’t shine?

[BacktoBeingAGymBunny]

I actually told him to stick it up his arse but that was too impolite to put in the thread title.

This is the card that he’s apparently going to buy me today and give to me when he gets home from work at about 8-9pm.

Our (24th) wedding anniversary is today. He’s had the weekend off from Friday. He came down this morning to a beautifully wrapped present, thoughtfully written card and bar of his favourite expensive chocolate. I expected to come down to flowers and a card at least. He’d gone to work before I came down and I was just slightly devastated to come down to nothing. He just rang me to thank me for what I got him and got an earful.

I don’t want an afterthought late in the evening when the days almost over.

I put up with him being shit on birthdays, Mother’s Day and anniversaries for many years in our marriage but he’d started to put effort in the last few years or so. I’m bloody furious he couldn’t be bothered again, especially as he is extremely lucky to still be married to me (very hard 2 years in our relationship).

It’s not about him splashing the cash either. It’s the thought that counts IMO. That he actually gives a shit.

You sound a bit much (extremely lucky to still be married? Really?).
It might be a thing if he would be equally "devastated" if you hadn't gotten him anything, but if it's been 24 years and he's never cared about these thing, you're being unreasonable to expect a sudden change.
Some people genuinely just don't care about dates and cards.
Personally I've always thought of them as trash that I can't throw away in case the giver notices (I would never actually say this though).

If you don't want to be with him then don't be with him. If you're that much better than your partner, surely you'll find someone who meets your standards with ease, right?

I don’t know when our anniversary is without looking it up! I’m sure DH doesn’t either. My parents who were devoted, never celebrated. Being happy together is enough.

It sounds like you could do with marriage counselling and maybe a sex therapist counselling? Would he be open to either of those?

It sounds like, after this difficult 2 years, you are working on the relationship and he isn't at all.

Would you have stayed with him if he was honest, that he wasn't sorry, wouldn't change, and had no intention of working on the relationship but would happily reap the benefits of you turning yourself in side out to make it all fine again? Would you have stayed?

Or would you have walked away?

Google the sunk cost fallacy. You have so much more life ahead of you. What do you want it to look like?

Wouldn't bother me, as I'm not big into demonstrative birthdays and anniversaries as an adult and I'd just assume he would get something after work, not before. But its clearly important to you, so it sounds like a bit of a mismatch.

For those that don’t care about these things and accept no effort from their partners- that’s up to you. Op has said she expects this and her dh should know her by now! It shows a lack of love and care to forget something that is important for her ( even if it’s not important to him). I also like something there in the morning and not an afterthought late at night from a petrol station

@floofycroissant

YANBU. and all the misers on this thread telling you to cheer up and it's not his love language are missing the point that the sun doesn't orbit around him and a little acknowledgement and appreciation after two decades of commitment is not much to ask really. Lack of thought can be terribly hurtful.

It isn't about being a miser, I spend money on my loved ones I just don't think I have to be instructed to do it on a particular day. I do send cards/presents for birthdays but we don't do anniversaries/Valentines/mothers day etc. As an example one of my kids has a birthday close to Christmas Day so they do get a present but I make a point during the year of sending them something nice, something spontaneous and not a duty thing.

I remember one year giving DH gifts and cards for Valentines and him saying could he do his that night? I said yes as he was going to work. Turned out he has forgotten what day it was and I know he over bought on the gifts that night. No problem. I can laugh about it. I am just surprise as he had never forgotten before and he has had years of it being my birthday a few days before but for some reason my birthday took up all the remembering .

Only read the OP so far so is there a chance he's planning on something lovely tonight when there is more time?

Jeez, there are some right twats on here.
You most definitely do not sound like hard work Op. In fact, it sounds like the other way round. And consistently so. No wonder you’re pissed off.

I think you’ve done enough, pushed enough, worked enough at keeping things going. It’s not up to one person to save a marriage - it needs both people to commit to making it work.

I think no cards/presents etc is fine provided both of you agree with it. DH and I usually either go out for a meal or get a takeaway to celebrate but didn't even bother with that this year due to Covid and elderly parent nightmares.

But after 24 years your 'D'H should know that you do like celebrating it so of course you're NBU. I think either lower your standards and both of you agree not to bother with ANY of these occasions (I actually think the Mothers Day thing is worse, is he expecting you to get stuff for his mother or is he not helping your kids get you a card or present?) or tell him how upset you are and go from there.

But obviously there's a lot more going on here than just anniversary stuff.

Bastard. Men can be extremely thoughtless.
I seriously hope you lay off doing anything for him for the foreseeable or until you feel any apology given is sincere and he makes it up to you and makes you feel special!!!

Reminds me of the time DH got me a 'happy birthday' card instead of anniversary - asked him where he was going at 10pm and he told me 😂 I said he didn't have to go but he wanted to.

@Pyewackect

You sound hard work !.

And you sound like you can’t come up with anything original to say.

When you’ve been married for 24 years, you know if your partner is expecting a gift and card or not. Especially when you’ve already had this discussion. Just because other people don’t want cards and gifts, it doesn’t mean OP shouldn’t want them. As you’ve already identified though OP, this is the straw that has broken the camel’s back. Sorry, OP

I’m coming up to 50 and I think I deserve better after putting my body through having 5 kids. I’ve put a lot of work into my physical fitness and trying to stay attractive for him and it’s wasted on him

I feel like there's a hell of a lot wrong with this statement.

Honestly, I couldn’t get worked up about it. If one of us remembers and reminds the other it’s a bonus and we have been married 26 years (not sure if 25’s a milestone or not, if so it’s been and gone without ado). We’re both busy people, we wouldn’t have a go at each other about this. Probably why we have made it past 25 years (due to being busy and not seeing much of each other combined with not sweating the small stuff)!

Did he make a big fuss on your birthdays before you married him? My point being, if not, you chose to marry him knowing exactly what he's like.

I just can never get my head around people who make so much of these days. I genuinely couldn't give a shit if my husband got me flowers and a card. Our money is joint so if I want something I buy it. I am grateful every single day that I have a wonderful, supportive husband who is an equal partner in all that we do. He's a fabulous dad and has stepped up throughout any tough times in life.

I just can't understand the mentality of previous posters: 'I insist on a card'. A card with a few words in it has zero meaning to me compared to how I'm treated by my partner the other 364 days of the year. My exH always gave me a card and presents on special days - he was shagging other people for most of our relationship.

Our last anniversary we got a takeaway, and other times we've maybe been out for a meal. But it's just an excuse to do something really - like this year I fancied a takeaway so said let's have one on anniversary date. If it hadn't been our anniversary I would have suggested having one a a few days later at the weekend anyway. Other years we'll do absolutely nothing, no cards no presents but I we don't feel the need. I actually feel sorry for those in relationships who need gifts and cards to feel valued. You should feel valued in your relationship every day.

@Meowchickameowmeow

I’m coming up to 50 and I think I deserve better after putting my body through having 5 kids. I’ve put a lot of work into my physical fitness and trying to stay attractive for him and it’s wasted on him

I feel like there's a hell of a lot wrong with this statement.

I agree, there’s a lot to unpack there. But I think that might be a discussion for another thread...

@HoppingPavlova

Honestly, I couldn’t get worked up about it. If one of us remembers and reminds the other it’s a bonus and we have been married 26 years (not sure if 25’s a milestone or not, if so it’s been and gone without ado). We’re both busy people, we wouldn’t have a go at each other about this. Probably why we have made it past 25 years (due to being busy and not seeing much of each other combined with not sweating the small stuff)!

That suits you and your relationship which is perfectly fine, but it really doesn’t mean that OP is wrong to want and need some acknowledgement and, dare I say it, romance in her life.

YANBU

When you actually love someone, how they feel matters to you.
Even if he doesn't care about a card or a gift, he knows you do and when he can't be arsed he's saying he can't be arsed to care about gestures that are meaningful to you.

There are several things I'm really not bothered about but I do them because they matter to the other person and that person is important to me.

I will never understand the mentality of people who are all it doesn't bother me so you are stupid/wrong/unreasonable/hard work if it bothers you.

@Sweetpeasaremadeforbees

I think no cards/presents etc is fine provided both of you agree with it. DH and I usually either go out for a meal or get a takeaway to celebrate but didn't even bother with that this year due to Covid and elderly parent nightmares.

But after 24 years your 'D'H should know that you do like celebrating it so of course you're NBU. I think either lower your standards and both of you agree not to bother with ANY of these occasions (I actually think the Mothers Day thing is worse, is he expecting you to get stuff for his mother or is he not helping your kids get you a card or present?) or tell him how upset you are and go from there.

But obviously there's a lot more going on here than just anniversary stuff.

That goes both ways though, the OP knows he isn't bothered but she gets him a present (beautifully wrapped) chocolate and a card then he gets an earful. I bet he'd much rather have just had a cheery happy anniversary and forget the present etc.

The fact they want different things is an issue but insisting he has to do it her way isn't very fair.

YABU. If you know after all this time he's not going to make a fuss, then why go to all the effort yourself? Is it just an act to deliberately show him up?

I've never liked the idea of showering people with gifts for anniversaries, Valentine's Day etc. Been married eight years and we just don't bother, would rather have a happy relationship than have to prove our love financially.

It sounds like you are fed up, but expecting cards and gifts is a bit silly.

I've been married 20 years this year and have never bought DH a card or an anniversary gift.

When you’ve been married for 24 years, you know if your partner is expecting a gift and card or not. Especially when you’ve already had this discussion. Just because other people don’t want cards and gifts, it doesn’t mean OP shouldn’t want them. As you’ve already identified though OP, this is the straw that has broken the camel’s back. Sorry, OP

This.

Tbh this is a very good illustration of the fact that you just cannot expect people to change. @BacktoBeingAGymBunny he is not going to be different - this is who he is.

I've never had an anniversary card in my life and I wouldn't expect or want one. I don't understand why you would do a 'thoughtfully wrapped present' and expensive chocolate for someone who doesn't do that kind of thing.

I also don't consider that keeping myself fit or healthy is some sort of 'favour' for a man.

I don't think that premature ejaculation is an insult to you as a partner

I also don't think that sexual problems in a marriage are addressed or fixed by expensive or 'thoughtfully wrapped' (what does that even mean?!?) presents.

Your marriage may or may not be fixable but your attitudes and beliefs around it are really messed up.