To have told DH to stick his anniversary card where the sun don’t shine?

[BacktoBeingAGymBunny]

I actually told him to stick it up his arse but that was too impolite to put in the thread title.

This is the card that he’s apparently going to buy me today and give to me when he gets home from work at about 8-9pm.

Our (24th) wedding anniversary is today. He’s had the weekend off from Friday. He came down this morning to a beautifully wrapped present, thoughtfully written card and bar of his favourite expensive chocolate. I expected to come down to flowers and a card at least. He’d gone to work before I came down and I was just slightly devastated to come down to nothing. He just rang me to thank me for what I got him and got an earful.

I don’t want an afterthought late in the evening when the days almost over.

I put up with him being shit on birthdays, Mother’s Day and anniversaries for many years in our marriage but he’d started to put effort in the last few years or so. I’m bloody furious he couldn’t be bothered again, especially as he is extremely lucky to still be married to me (very hard 2 years in our relationship).

It’s not about him splashing the cash either. It’s the thought that counts IMO. That he actually gives a shit.

[EKGEMS]

@Jellybabiesforbreakfast Wins the award for best post!!! Lmao

[Natty13]

Some of these comments are really funny. My Dad is very in to cards for birthdays and anniversaries, my mum couldn't care less but she makes the effort every year because it means a lot to him.

I've kept some of cards he sends me because when he's long dead I'll remember how much effort he'd go to choosing them and the thought he'd put into writing a nice message and it will make me smile.

[billy1966]

It sounds like this is about a LOT more than a card.

A relationship does not work when only one party does all the heavy lifting.

You deserve better.

[SunIsComing]

Do yourself a fancy meal or takeaway, and give him a piece of bread. Or nothing. He knows what was expected but did shit. Yanbu.

[dontdisturbmenow]

He’s in the wrong completely not to acknowledge the day and get you something, as it is clearly important to you
Except the day us not over. He could be pedantic and claim that they were not married 24 years until the time if the say the took their vows.

Maybe he had planned to come home with a very nice surprise. If that's the case, it's clearly ruine now.

[sunflowersandbuttercups]

This isn't about the card.

You're clearly miserable in your marriage - why are you flogging a dead horse?

[80sMum]

YANBU.
My DH is going to be away for our anniversary. I don't think he ever stops to think about significant dates, to be honest. They are not significant to him, it seems!

[CombatBarbie]

I think the lack of anniversary thought is purely the straw that broke the camels back. Often it takes one small thing and it erupts into everything that you have been bottling up. I really do think you need to have a think about what your expectations are in the marriage and weigh up if your prepared to live of disappointment.

[NeilBuchananisBanksy]

@BacktoBeingAGymBunny

There was no affair, or rather no evidence found, but some other stuff was uncovered and home truths were told which was difficult to come back from but we agreed we wanted to. We have been through stuff which would have broken a lot of marriages in terms of bad luck. The PE has become more apparent in lockdown as we don’t have the house to ourselves ever so can’t have lengthy sessions with two or three rounds. It’s all over literally as soon as it’s in (apologies for TMI) and he can’t even be bothered to look up techniques to help him as I’ve suggested and have done for many years.

I’m coming up to 50 and I think I deserve better after putting my body through having 5 kids. I’ve put a lot of work into my physical fitness and trying to stay attractive for him and it’s wasted on him.

It is the straw which broke the camels back definitely.

I believe a special day should be acknowledged at the beginning of it not the end! He knows this very well.

It sounds like you are the one carrying your marriage op.

Out of interest why did you decide to stay and work at it when this stuff came to light in the last 2 years?

He clearly doesn't value you.

[ShesMadeATwatOfMePam]

I'm sorry but if he can't even be arsed to get you a card knowing it's important to you, and can't be bothered to get help so he can have meaningful sex with you - kinda sounds like your marriage is dead in the water. You're together, but it doesn't mean there's much of a relationship there. And no, you're not hard work, or being unreasonable. Some women on here think that anything over and above a few crumbs of attention once in a while is you being needy and hard work.

He's had 24 years to improve, and the last two at crisis point. This is how he treats you when it matters to you. He's never going to be who you want him to be.

[HumousWhereTheHeartIs]

I would have hoped, knowing it meant so much to you, that your DH would get you a card at least. Lots of people are commenting saying that they don't do gifts which is fine for them, but you go to effort and appreciate it in return. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. My ex DH always appreciated thoughtful and generous gifts but once gave me things he had re-gifted from his mum. I got some slippers she had been given that were too big for me and a beige jacket. They were items clearly given to an 80 year old and I was 32. I was incredibly hurt that I didn't even deserve a trip to a shop.

[MzHz]

@bloodyhell19

I don't think you're unreasonable for being disappointed in the lack of effort, but I think perhaps you're using the lack of effort to finally let fly at everything else that you've acknowledged and tried to move on from.

24 years is quite an accomplishment, but if I were you and I was this angry and upset, I would think that the next 24 years aren't worth being stuck in the same cycle. You deserve someone who makes an equal effort; he probably deserves someone that realizes and is ok with presents & cards not being his thing. I think it would be kinder to both of you to part ways, or at least just emotionally detach from each other if separation isn't an option.

I agree with this

On its own, the PE isn’t a dealbreaker
On its own, the muddy waters where there may or may not have been an inappropriate relationship isn’t a deal breaker

On its own, being forgotten when it comes to birthday, Christmas, anniversary isn’t a dealbreaker

But he’s doing NOTHING about any of these!

I would also hear your comments about keeping yourself trim/fit etc as a sign that you’re internalising his lack of interest as something that’s lacking in you.

This is no way to live

You’ve spent so long being made to feel lacking, not enough etc - do you want to spend the next 24 years like this?

You are right about one thing love, you don’t deserve this lack of interest, you do deserve to be happy, valued, fulfilled and loved

I think counselling quick, a time limit for him to get himself sorted out or your 25th anniversary will be marked with divorce papers

Wtf are You going to do when the kids have all left home?

[HeyDemonsItsYaGirl]

@Mummy1608

Some people (myself included) just don't have gifts/milestones as their love language. I wouldn't be bothered at all if my dh didn't remember our anniversary. But I would be hugely bothered if he gave me an earful about something without giving me the chance of fix it. Sounds like there are miscommunications in your relationship, and you escalating it will not solve it

Once you realised that your partner has gifts as a "love language" (vomit) wouldn't you do it to make them happy?

[ancientgran]

@HumousWhereTheHeartIs

I would have hoped, knowing it meant so much to you, that your DH would get you a card at least. Lots of people are commenting saying that they don't do gifts which is fine for them, but you go to effort and appreciate it in return. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. My ex DH always appreciated thoughtful and generous gifts but once gave me things he had re-gifted from his mum. I got some slippers she had been given that were too big for me and a beige jacket. They were items clearly given to an 80 year old and I was 32. I was incredibly hurt that I didn't even deserve a trip to a shop.

But why do her wants trump his? If he, like lots on here, think cards and being told which days of the year you have to show you love are worthless, why does he have to be terribly grateful that she ignores his beliefs and either does what she wants or gets an earful.

[ancientgran]

@ExConstance

You are totally OK to feel devastated by this. My DH never forgets or fails to mark birthdays or anniversaries, this gives me such a warm glow and feelings of being cared for. We only do cards for our wedding anniversary and perhaps a meal out but jst the card makes me so happy.

My husband would never send me an anniversary card, he will spontaneously buy me a gift just because he loves me. Makes me feel loved.

[Seeingadistance]

@Weirdlynormal

I couldn't care less. I very rarely almost never buy cards and certainly don't do them to order.

Same here.

You do seem to be incompatible and the most surprising thing is that you made it to a 24 year anniversary with you not really knowing each other at all!

[Mistressinthetulips]

@Ninkanink

I think you’ve done enough, pushed enough, worked enough at keeping things going. It’s not up to one person to save a marriage - it needs both people to commit to making it work.

I think this is perfect.
If all else was happy, how bothered would OP be about the anniversary? But it isn't, is it.

[ancientgran]

@Haveyoubrushedyourteeth

"Some men don't see the point in cards" hmmm ok but if he's married to someone who does, and he's had all weekend to pop out and get one knowing it'll mean a lot to his wife, then why wouldn't he?

I feel for you OP, it's nothing about cards, it's about effort, and him dashing out in his lunch hour doesn't really cut it. You're not being hard work to want to be more than an afterthought.

Let's be honest, the OP wouldn't be happy if she just got a card. She clearly said she expected flowers and a card at least so I think he'd likely have got an earful for just a card.

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

The 'you sound hard work' comment invariably gets trotted out on every single thread where a woman has the temerity to expect better for herself. It's a tedious waste of column space.

Had this been a one-off, especially in a particularly stressful or difficult time, I could look past it. For example this year DH and I mutually decided (as per my own suggestion) not to bother acknowledging Valentine's Day. Cards were hard to get and go in the bin anyway, and we know we love each other without a demonstration. Plus we were both exhausted and are close to burnout as a result of increased lockdown workload. It really did feel like too much effort this year!

So in some cases skipping it's fine, but if it's the regular state of things that he simply doesn't bother than no, absolutely not. YANBU to be upset.

[annacondom]

I hear you - I'm in the same boat about the cards. But I think you're being unfair. Some people just don't remember. I need to work on DH for days beforehand if I want a card and still maybe don't get one. In the past he has given me a fiver and said "Get yourself some flowers", the charmer. But it sounds as if you two don't really have a chance to work out your problems together. Perhaps he's too embarrassed and would prefer to ignore the PE problem. I would say, buy yourself something nice, and forgive him. I got to a turning point with DH and threatened to leave (and meant it!) and things have been good ever since - we have a new understanding. It's worth it to keep trying, if you want to. But I know I still won't get a card on our anniversary!

[Dontcallmewifey]

My DH doesn't see the point in anniversary cards and presents - he thinks it's just commercialisation

Aaargh! Why do people have things like this as justification? Jesus! Let me say this slowly and simply. If you want to have a relationship, any relationship, with another person, you have to be prepared to accommodate what is important to that person. If it is important to that person that you mark their anniversary, then you need to mark that anniversary. You are not making a brave anti-commercial stance by not doing so. You are just seeing the relationship solely through your own lens. And that ain't ever going to work. As a relationship involves TWO people meeting each others' needs.

Its really not rocket science.

[Dontcallmewifey]

Some of these comments are really funny. My Dad is very in to cards for birthdays and anniversaries, my mum couldn't care less but she makes the effort every year because it means a lot to him

Exactly this! This is exactly the attitude a good relationship is built on!

[Devlesko]

Do people really insist on gifts and cards from their husbands?
We celebrate the main ones, Ruby next
I know he loves me and him me, so a card is just a bit meaningless, tbh.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

For the life of me I'll never understand why someone would get as far as marrying someone who puts so little effort into the relationship to begin with, much less for 24 years and have 5 kids with them. You have much bigger problems than a card.

[CervixHaver]

He's "extremely lucky" to be in a relationship with you?!?