To have told DH to stick his anniversary card where the sun don’t shine?

[BacktoBeingAGymBunny]

I actually told him to stick it up his arse but that was too impolite to put in the thread title.

This is the card that he’s apparently going to buy me today and give to me when he gets home from work at about 8-9pm.

Our (24th) wedding anniversary is today. He’s had the weekend off from Friday. He came down this morning to a beautifully wrapped present, thoughtfully written card and bar of his favourite expensive chocolate. I expected to come down to flowers and a card at least. He’d gone to work before I came down and I was just slightly devastated to come down to nothing. He just rang me to thank me for what I got him and got an earful.

I don’t want an afterthought late in the evening when the days almost over.

I put up with him being shit on birthdays, Mother’s Day and anniversaries for many years in our marriage but he’d started to put effort in the last few years or so. I’m bloody furious he couldn’t be bothered again, especially as he is extremely lucky to still be married to me (very hard 2 years in our relationship).

It’s not about him splashing the cash either. It’s the thought that counts IMO. That he actually gives a shit.

[Dontcallmewifey]

I take real issue with the fact that you say he's 'lucky to be married to you'

I understand this comment totally. It is completely congruent with everything else in the post. OP feels that she is the one who puts all the effort into making the marriage work and he just freeloads and doesn't acknowledge what she needs from him to be happy in the relationship. Everyone wants to be acknowledged and appreciated and you acknowledge and appreciate people you care about understanding what matters to them, rather than expecting them to be satisfied with how you see the world (I can't be arsed with cards so why are you? attitude).

[Mistressinthetulips]

Not to mention the possible affair and unwillingness to seek treatment for a sexual problem.

[ShesMadeATwatOfMePam]

Do people really insist on gifts and cards from their husbands?

What a stupid comment. The op isn't wrong for wanting her husband to show her a little bit of consideration.

And sometimes really long marriages are shit, regardless of longevity.

[Jellybabiesforbreakfast]

But why do her wants trump his? If he, like lots on here, think cards and being told which days of the year you have to show you love are worthless, why does he have to be terribly grateful that she ignores his beliefs and either does what she wants or gets an earful.

The problem, I think, with saying this is that many of us, including a lot of men, are naturally shit at acknowledging others in our lives on a day-to-day basis. Valentines' day, birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions give us the chance to show our appreciation. If your DH cooks a special meal for you every day and is constantly buying you presents and flowers (and vice versa), I imagine there is much less pressure to do something for the special occasions.

[dontdisturbmenow]

I take real issue with the fact that you say he's 'lucky to be married to you
I think when it comes to that belief, you should be looking at going your own way.

He might think the sane for different reasons. Either way, why would you stay with someone you think is getting avoid deal when you're not?

[Devlesko]

Oh, so did he have an affair and then promise to be more attentive?
He's not the man you thought he was, nor the man you want. He doesn't do cards and presents, they aren't important to him.

[dontdisturbmenow]

There are two expectations here.

Expectation to get a card and flowers. Perfectly reasonable if indeed, it means a lot to the other person. It's what people do when they live each other.

Expectation that he had planned it days in advance so that OP would get her presents when she got up. That's the part that is unreasonable. Even if disappointed as it would have been nice, loosing it because he didn't is totally over the top.

OP should have waited for him to come home to decide whether expressing her disappointment and anger was justified or not.

[Chelyanne]

I don't get why it's a big deal tbh.
Hubby is making more effort than I want to, he will be at sea when our 12th anniversary comes around and I left it last minute to get him a card to take with him. I get the effort for milestone type ones but other than that not fussed anymore. I used to be annoyed by lack of effort years ago.

[Devlesko]

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

Do people really insist on gifts and cards from their husbands?

What a stupid comment. The op isn't wrong for wanting her husband to show her a little bit of consideration.

And sometimes really long marriages are shit, regardless of longevity.

I was refferring to comments from a pp who "insists"
Bit of a sad relationship to be that incompatible and have to insist

[daisyjgrey]

Stuff like this pisses me right off. Apart from being wracked with grief or hospitalised with something catastrophic, there's no fathomable reason not be able to get your arse in gear to buy a card and gift for a loved one for an occasion. There are websites and iCal and fucking paper diaries. It's not bloody hard.

I'd be livid (and wouldn't have let him get away with being shit at birthdays either), and he could very much fuck right off. I'd want impeccable card purchasing behaviour from here on in. Bloody useless.

[Sceptre86]

I would have done the same but I wouldn't have put up with years of him 'being rubbish' with Birthdays and other special days. It is thoughtless and shows how little he actually cares for you that he can't put himself out for you. Yanbu to be upset however yabu to have put up with this for 24 years and 5 kids. I'd have ditched him long ago.

[1forAll74]

You sound pretty awful, writing things like this about your Husband on here. I hope you can manage to get through the next 24 years,without all this complaining. !

[willowmelangell]

@Jellybabiesforbreakfast I am going to make a note of that!

[Dontcallmewifey]

@Devlesko

Oh, so did he have an affair and then promise to be more attentive?
He's not the man you thought he was, nor the man you want. He doesn't do cards and presents, they aren't important to him.

Its not that card and presents aren't important to him. Its that OP isn't important enough to him to listen to what she says and complete a very simple and easy to achieve task which is actually very important to her, in that completing that task would demonstrate that he cares enough about her to listen to her.

[Ninkanink]

My DH is very lucky to be with me. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with holding that view - I value myself and I expect the person who loves me to properly value me too. However that’s balanced by my acknowledgment that I’m also very lucky indeed to be with him.

However I’m pretty sure what OP meant is that in her case he’s lucky she’s stuck around given whatever the big issues were that they’ve had to work through.

However there comes a time when it’s time to stop clogging a dead horse, and I think that time has come. Whatever side of the divide one feels more affinity with, it’s clear that relationship is not good for the OP nor her husband, and very likely not good for whatever children are still living at home. Resentment and bitterness are not healthy feelings in a relationship.

[Dontcallmewifey]

Expectation that he had planned it days in advance so that OP would get her presents when she got up. That's the part that is unreasonable

Have you never heard of Amazon?

[Mistressinthetulips]

@1forAll74

You sound pretty awful, writing things like this about your Husband on here. I hope you can manage to get through the next 24 years,without all this complaining. !

Yes Op, put up and shut up seems to be the gist of that
1forall74 have you just arrived in mumsnet by the way, posting about relationship problems is kind of what people do here!

[SnowAllSpring]

If I were married to someone who made it clear that I should consider myself 'extremely lucky' to be married to them, I wouldn't feel very inclined to shower them with gifts and cards echoing that.

Clearly he doesn't agree with OP's own assessment of him being so very lucky to have her.

[Ninkanink]

Clogging a dead horse...😆😆

This stupid autocorrect never, ever knows better than me!! 😡

[FetchezLaVache]

Nobody else spot this in the OP? but he’d started to put effort in the last few years or so. I’m bloody furious he couldn’t be bothered again

So, clearly he CAN buy the OP thoughtful cards and gifts to mark certain occasions - but is only prepared to do so when he actively thinks there's a chance the OP will leave him if he doesn't. Obviously he's become complacent again. For that alone, I'd be fucking furious too, OP.

[bpirockin]

My family were never big on birthdays etc, and TBH I'm not great with many, remembering every special day. However, there are two people in my family that I never forget and get something for, though as we get older it's usually a card and then i get something that is 'them' as and when i come across it. Any partner that I'm involved with also gets special treatment, at least on their birthday.

I believe at least one occasion should be seen as worthy of celebrating the fact that you are in their life, and whether that's in the form of "the day we met/married my life changed for the better/you complete me" or "I'm so glad that you were born, and that I have you in my life". Anything else is a bonus.

[ddl1]

The problem, I think, with saying this is that many of us, including a lot of men, are naturally shit at acknowledging others in our lives on a day-to-day basis. Valentines' day, birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions give us the chance to show our appreciation.

To be honest, I think this is precisely my problem with the whole 'special occasion' culture. If someone can't acknowledge me every day (I don't mean in words or gifts. but in terms of treating me with consistent respect and consideration) and needs a 'special day' for it, then a special day doesn't make up for it, as far as I'm concerned. On the other hand, if they do acknowledge me every day, I'd consider it as petty to make a fuss about the special occasions. It's nice to celebrate sometimes, but just as a dog is for life, not just for Christmas, a person (or me at any rate!) is for life, not just for special days. Sometimes failure to acknowledge special days is one symptom of general lack of appreciation; but in such cases, the problem won't be cured by making them 'do' the special days.

The one exception to my generally easygoing attitude to special occasions is my birthday - in the opposite direction to most people. It is of the UTMOST importance to me that my birthday, and especially any 'age milestones',must NEVER be celebrated or even mentioned in any way!

In this particular case, it does sound sadly if the two partners are incompatible, and it might be better to call it a day.

[HeckyPeck]

Some of these comments are really funny. My Dad is very in to cards for birthdays and anniversaries, my mum couldn't care less but she makes the effort every year because it means a lot to him.

This is the reaction of someone who isn't selfish.

This has had the same reaction as wedding threads where people rush to say how they got married in an old sack and the whole thing cost 50p and anyone who expects more is hard work.