Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Friends relationship revelation.

245 replies

BlooShoos · 18/04/2021 20:24

To put this into context, a very close friend of mine has just told our group (five of us, friends since college) that her partner of about 2 years has been to prison, and that he served 8 years of a 13 year sentence with 5 years on license.
The partner... lets call him Rob, looks at my friend like a kid looks at cake, he absolutely adores her, he provides for her and her son, (she works too, but 'Rob' likes the breadwinner role) he seems to be all legit, and they are an absolutely solid couple.
Now, 'Rob' going to prison, in essence isn't the issue. What is the issue is that Lucie (not her real name) used to be a high ranking prison officer. And it turns out that Rob used to be on her Unit. Lucie swears blind that nothing happened while she was working in the prison, she was still with her ex, and her and Rob met after he;d been released and Lucie had left the prison service, they moved in together last year at the beginning of lockdown. I believe her, but a couple of others in our group don't and think it's a massively inappropriate and are threatening to make a big noise about Lucie and Rob. I believe his crime was quite violent, but an unfortunate one - a single, drunken punch. And as I've said, he has always seemed a really good guy, but as nice as he seems to be, with Lucie's past employment and his criminal history, AIBU to think this is all a bit odd?

OP posts:
Claphands · 19/04/2021 09:19

Mmmm, is the kid his?

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 19/04/2021 09:20

@denverRegina it really is unbelievable.

And I highly doubt if the sexes were reversed that everyone would tell the OP to STFU. If a male prison officer befriended a female offender he met inside. It would be all: 999 - NOW

CorianderBee · 19/04/2021 09:20

@CorianderBee

I'd leave it be. Not your circus.

And I know someone who served 11 years for a drunk punch as similar happened - head hit curb, man left with brain damage. (I know the sentence bc I was friends with the man left with brain damage). So that's possible.

Although, I do think they 'went after' him deliberately which likely was what put the sentence up.

GBH with intent ranges from 3-16 years according to sentencing guidelines. So he may have got that if he started the fight.

ancientgran · 19/04/2021 09:20

[quote JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]@ancientgran but you were accusing people of thinking it was 'too long'?

And yes it's rare and it just so happened to the OP's friend and the inappropriate relationship. I'm amazed at this thread and the lack of concern for a child whose mother has brought a violent man into their house[/quote]
I wasn't accusing anyone of anything. I was asking the people who were saying it was such a long sentence if they really thought that they would feel that way if their loved one was dead.

So as you and others have said it is rare which means it happens so maybe he did get 13 years for a drunken punch up and the people saying it is definitely not true are jumping to conclusions.

I still say if the OP has concerns she should google his name, she will almost certainly find more details.

supermoonrising · 19/04/2021 09:22

Amazing that you can kill someone with your fists in the UK and will serve an average of three and a bit years in prison. But you can now get 10 years (both here and in the US) for attacking a statue. Easier to make political capital fighting for the rights of inanimate objects rather than human beings.

MintyCedric · 19/04/2021 09:23

Firstly we know nothing for sure about what this man did or the case itself and its pretty irrelevant to what the OPs issue is.

Am I right in thinking she knew him to some degree whilst working in the prison service. Left six years ago when she was in her previous relationship and pregnant. That broke down a d she got together with 'Rob' four years after leaving the service when he was released?

If that's the case I think your 'friends' need to mind their own bloody business.

supermoonrising · 19/04/2021 09:24

The Tories spent longer making grandiose speeches about protecting statues last year (following that heinous crime committed against 1 statue in Bristol) than they did on thousands of cases of domestic violence, knife crime etc.

indy2please · 19/04/2021 09:25

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

She moved a murderer in with her child and your concern is that she met him at work? Well.
That's what I was thinking. Is no one concerned about her son?
indy2please · 19/04/2021 09:25

@GizmoBasil

OP have you used everyone's real name?? Hmm
Why would she use real names???
indy2please · 19/04/2021 09:26

@steff13

I don't understand what the "friends" hope to achieve by making a fuss. Do they want them to break up?
They may be concerned about Lucie's son
AramintaLee · 19/04/2021 09:29

I agree with others who doubt the "one punch" story... I image either Rob or your friend haven't told the whole truth there.

Anyway, this isn't about that...

I don't think it's anyone's business regarding how they met. Even if they met in prison... she's no longer in the job role and he's no longer in prison so what does it really matter?

indy2please · 19/04/2021 09:35

@Cowbells

I honestly think it is none of your business. He served time. He's out. It appears it was a one off. They seem happy together. He has a job.

Obviusly they first met at work as many people do. But you don't know more than that so don't assume the worst - that's gossipy.

The only thing I would do is keep a close eye out for any signs of temper flares or controlling her once the honeymoon period wears off. It is possible that someone threw a single punch in their life time and that it led to manslaughter but it's more likely that he has a violent streak. I'd be way more concerned about that.

Meeting at work if you work In an office is slightly different if you meet at work and one is custody officer and the other is a violent offender! She works in a prison! There are a lot more guidelines and expectations of professionalism between prisoners and employees! He wasn't her colleague!
indy2please · 19/04/2021 09:36

@denverRegina

"I'm amazed at this thread and the lack of concern for a child whose mother has brought a violent man into their house"

Yes, and it's very likely that her mother is also an offender. But "mind your own people" and "wow, what a nasty bunch of friends"

Fucking unbelievable

Couldn't agree more! Posters are acting like they were colleagues! They have no idea
worriedatthemoment · 19/04/2021 09:36

You can google most likely to find if its true as court cases are often reported
Sounds like this lady got together with him about 4 years after she left so not sure if she would of broken any rules do not sure if friends can do much.
Not great friends though , maybe being wary and looking out for her and any red flags would be better.
Or he may be a nice guy that has changed and truly regrets his past and doing all he can to move on with his life after being punished for his crime.

GizmoBasil · 19/04/2021 09:40

@indy2please

Forgot to change them, didn't realise she should, doesn't care as doesn't think she'll be outed, any number of reasons. Why is it so hard to believe?? It happens quite a lot, and OP did not stipulate whether she has changed the names, which is usually the case.

Atalantea · 19/04/2021 09:40

@IdblowJonSnow

This is a very identifying thread op. I can actually remember reading news article/s where this happened.
what this specific case?

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-38992393 (22 February 2017)
Liam Rockley, a 21-year-old former bouncer, later pleaded guilty to manslaughter and was sentenced to three-and-a-half years in prison.

Jacob Dunne was 19 when he killed 28-year-old trainee paramedic James Hodgkinson with one punch in 2011.

He was sentenced to 30 months' imprisonment for manslaughter.

for when people are talking about sentence lengths and manslaughter

The question of how the number of one-punch deaths can be reduced is one both Ann and Therese believe needs to be considered by lawmakers.

Both want sentences to be toughened to match Australia, where there is a minimum of eight years for one-punch killings.

www.ons.gov.uk/aboutus/transparencyandgovernance/freedomofinformationfoi/onepunchhomicides

BrilliantBetty · 19/04/2021 09:42

Personally I'd back away from the friendship.
I have no need to be consorting with a violent man who committed murder.
Might have 'served his time' but I'd still rather not get involved. Personal preference.

indy2please · 19/04/2021 09:43

[quote GizmoBasil]@indy2please

Forgot to change them, didn't realise she should, doesn't care as doesn't think she'll be outed, any number of reasons. Why is it so hard to believe?? It happens quite a lot, and OP did not stipulate whether she has changed the names, which is usually the case.[/quote]
Did you read the Op, she stated she changed them.

denverRegina · 19/04/2021 09:44

"Even if they met in prison... she's no longer in the job role and he's no longer in prison so what does it really matter?"

If she committed crimes and facilitated him and other prisoners committing further offences do you think that because a couple of years have passed their potential victims don't deserve justice?

Nith · 19/04/2021 09:44

So as you and others have said it is rare which means it happens so maybe he did get 13 years for a drunken punch up and the people saying it is definitely not true are jumping to conclusions.

Irrelevant, @ancientgran. It's not about how victims' relatives feel about the sentence, it's about whether the offence was more serious than OP suggests given that a drunken punch on its own with no aggravating factors and no previous convictions is likely to lead to a sentence of that length.

indy2please · 19/04/2021 09:45

[quote GizmoBasil]@indy2please

Forgot to change them, didn't realise she should, doesn't care as doesn't think she'll be outed, any number of reasons. Why is it so hard to believe?? It happens quite a lot, and OP did not stipulate whether she has changed the names, which is usually the case.[/quote]
Let's call him Rob

Lucie (not her real name)

PattyPan · 19/04/2021 09:45

[quote GizmoBasil]@indy2please

Forgot to change them, didn't realise she should, doesn't care as doesn't think she'll be outed, any number of reasons. Why is it so hard to believe?? It happens quite a lot, and OP did not stipulate whether she has changed the names, which is usually the case.[/quote]
Yes she did, she literally put “Lucie (not her real name)” in the OP

Nith · 19/04/2021 09:45

OP did not stipulate whether she has changed the names, which is usually the case

She specified right up there in the first post that she had changed the names.

GizmoBasil · 19/04/2021 09:48

Oh bloody hell, you're quite right! And I'm usually the first to tell people to RTFT.
slinks away ashamedly

indy2please · 19/04/2021 09:51

@GizmoBasil

Oh bloody hell, you're quite right! And I'm usually the first to tell people to RTFT. slinks away ashamedly
You didn't need to read full thread, it was in the original post Wink