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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Friends relationship revelation.

245 replies

BlooShoos · 18/04/2021 20:24

To put this into context, a very close friend of mine has just told our group (five of us, friends since college) that her partner of about 2 years has been to prison, and that he served 8 years of a 13 year sentence with 5 years on license.
The partner... lets call him Rob, looks at my friend like a kid looks at cake, he absolutely adores her, he provides for her and her son, (she works too, but 'Rob' likes the breadwinner role) he seems to be all legit, and they are an absolutely solid couple.
Now, 'Rob' going to prison, in essence isn't the issue. What is the issue is that Lucie (not her real name) used to be a high ranking prison officer. And it turns out that Rob used to be on her Unit. Lucie swears blind that nothing happened while she was working in the prison, she was still with her ex, and her and Rob met after he;d been released and Lucie had left the prison service, they moved in together last year at the beginning of lockdown. I believe her, but a couple of others in our group don't and think it's a massively inappropriate and are threatening to make a big noise about Lucie and Rob. I believe his crime was quite violent, but an unfortunate one - a single, drunken punch. And as I've said, he has always seemed a really good guy, but as nice as he seems to be, with Lucie's past employment and his criminal history, AIBU to think this is all a bit odd?

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 19/04/2021 08:38

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

Someone in a position of authority has potentially seriously abused this position and people are saying mind your own business Hmm

Also no way did he get 13 years for a drunken punch. Can't believe this stupid woman has moved him in with her child

But what is it you think they can do? She’s not a serving officer anymore; she hasn’t confessed to her friends that this is going on now. So yes, on the basis that they’re working off assumptions and have no grounds to make this ‘big noise’, then absolutely I’d say mind their own business.
EmeraldShamrock · 19/04/2021 08:39

Plenty of people have died or been left with catastrophic injuries from the drunken one punch attack.
If she wants to stay with him her choice it's not his first time away in prison.
Is she crazy?

EmeraldShamrock · 19/04/2021 08:39

I'd report her.

Alcemeg · 19/04/2021 08:40

I don't know why you'd all want to stir up trouble for your friend.

denverRegina · 19/04/2021 08:40

You lot clearly know very little about sentencing or prisons. Lucie does not "sound like a nice woman" 

How can you even conclude that? The OP is claiming that a custodial manager (@tinseloatcake the Prison Service has these, not Custody Managers), has shacked up with a violent ex con who served time on her unit. She has a small child. She never returned to her job after maternity leave despite the pay and flexibility given to CMs (that's unusual).

She sounds fucking bent to me and as the CM on his unit that could've had serious consequences for the staff, other inmates and the public. You all have no idea so telling the OP to "mind her own" is just awful. The "wow, with friends like you" comments are the exact comments I'd expect from prison bullies, you want to have a word with yourselves.

As for the 13 year sentence, well, he's either got a string of pre-cons as long as your arm, or the OP or Lucie hasn't got it quite right (convicts and bent screws tend to also be liars), or he was an IPP or similar. Sentencing isn't always as straight and simple as the newspapers make it out to be.

She needs reporting. Who knows how she might've abused her authority?

Worldgonecrazy · 19/04/2021 08:45

If she has declared the relationship to her ex employer then that is all she needs to do. I used to work within the prison service and any contact with ex prisoners with whom we had any form of professional connection needed to be reported.

Otherwise it is her choice. She does sound naive, and I do know that there were some decent people who had made mistakes and ended up inside. There were also a lot of psychopathic manipulators.....

Octodog · 19/04/2021 08:46

If someone has been sentenced for 13 years in prison, it's for a violent crime. The fact that he has moved into a home where a child lives is quite frightening, particularly if the woman was stupid enough to sleep with a prisoner.

I originally read and thought don't report, but then I think you should, purely to ensure all child safeguarding procedures were followed when he moved in with them.

One punch can kill.

ancientgran · 19/04/2021 08:46

For people who think 13 years is alot for manslaughter, I'm assuming that was the charge, if the victim was your son, daughter, husband, father would you really think 13 years was a harsh sentence?

There are sentencing guidelines but within those guidelines there will be various sentences handed out, sometimes for reasons like pleading guilty/previous record/provocation and sometimes because you get a judge who tends towards harsher/lenient sentences.

denverRegina · 19/04/2021 08:47

"But what is it you think they can do? She’s not a serving officer anymore"

Link her to offences, incidents, assaults, bullying, suicides, escapes, drugs, phones and weapons on her unit at the time of her service and "Rob" being there.

You don't just get to leave your crimes behind you because they happened a couple of years ago Confused. On that logic most serial killers should just be left alone because, "it was 6 years ago, what do you think they can do?" Seriously, I despair.

ancientgran · 19/04/2021 08:55

If she left the prison service six years ago and she has been in a relationship with this guy for 2 years do you think she was secretly seeing him for 4 years? Do you know when he was released, if he was released 2 years ago that would make sense, if he was released 4 or 5 years ago would she have been able to hide it for that long?

OP if you know his name, presumably you do, then you could google him and see if anything comes up. Seems likely that a local paper would have carried details.

Crabbypaddy · 19/04/2021 08:55

Don’t see the issue, she isn’t in the role anymore big deal

Sanchez79 · 19/04/2021 08:56

I wish one punch killers got 13 years, but sadly that's very rare. I know a one punch killer, with a long criminal history who served less than two years Sad

"It is of note that the average sentence for ‘one punch manslaughter’ in the last seven years is three years and ten months. This led to suggestions that the sentences were too lenient. One defendant received a sentence of nine months. It is of note the minimum sentence under the new proposals is twelve months."

Sanchez79 · 19/04/2021 08:58

Also OP, I hope you have massively changed the identifying details in this story, not because of the offenders privacy, but because you may have just put yourself at risk. MNHQ should probably take this down.

MintyMabel · 19/04/2021 08:58

Why are people saying the woman who was a custody manager in prison would not have known what he was in prison for. I suspect she knows the truth but is telling her “friends” it was a drunken punch so they wouldn’t judge. Clearly that hasn’t worked and they are judging anyway. It is her business, stay out of it.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 19/04/2021 08:59

For people who think 13 years is alot for manslaughter, I'm assuming that was the charge, if the victim was your son, daughter, husband, father would you really think 13 years was a harsh sentence?

Who's said 13 years is a lot? People have only said it's rare, there's a difference

EL8888 · 19/04/2021 08:59

I call bullshit on the “coincidence”, instinct tells something did happen whilst he was in prison. Super dodgy

Cowbells · 19/04/2021 09:00

I honestly think it is none of your business. He served time. He's out. It appears it was a one off. They seem happy together. He has a job.

Obviusly they first met at work as many people do. But you don't know more than that so don't assume the worst - that's gossipy.

The only thing I would do is keep a close eye out for any signs of temper flares or controlling her once the honeymoon period wears off. It is possible that someone threw a single punch in their life time and that it led to manslaughter but it's more likely that he has a violent streak. I'd be way more concerned about that.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 19/04/2021 09:00

@Maggiesfarm

Presumably there would be some age difference in that scenario.

Not if it was say, a NQT and sixth former. Only 5 years when the former pupil is aged 20

SleepyMathematician · 19/04/2021 09:02

Lucie was silly to tell anyone, IMO. DH has a criminal past (nothing violent like the above but a suspended sentence) and was on probation when I met him. I’ve never told any of my friends because I didn’t want them making judgements about him from that alone. Only our adult DCs and his parents know.

Unless she is secretly afraid she may need back up if it all goes wrong, of course.

denverRegina · 19/04/2021 09:06

"I suspect she knows the truth but is telling her “friends” it was a drunken punch so they wouldn’t judge"

Quite, it's always "one punch" or "the judge made an example of him". Utter bullshit.

"Obviusly they first met at work as many people do."

He wasn't at work ffs 🤦🏽‍♀️

PegasusReturns · 19/04/2021 09:06

For people who think 13 years is alot for manslaughter, I'm assuming that was the charge, if the victim was your son, daughter, husband, father would you really think 13 years was a harsh sentence?*

I’m making no judgement on whether it’s a lenient or harsh sentence. I am saying - along with a number of other posters - you don’t get 13 years for a single punch fight.

ancientgran · 19/04/2021 09:15

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

For people who think 13 years is alot for manslaughter, I'm assuming that was the charge, if the victim was your son, daughter, husband, father would you really think 13 years was a harsh sentence?

Who's said 13 years is a lot? People have only said it's rare, there's a difference

Rare means it happens.
CorianderBee · 19/04/2021 09:16

I'd leave it be. Not your circus.

And I know someone who served 11 years for a drunk punch as similar happened - head hit curb, man left with brain damage. (I know the sentence bc I was friends with the man left with brain damage). So that's possible.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 19/04/2021 09:17

@ancientgran but you were accusing people of thinking it was 'too long'?

And yes it's rare and it just so happened to the OP's friend and the inappropriate relationship. I'm amazed at this thread and the lack of concern for a child whose mother has brought a violent man into their house

denverRegina · 19/04/2021 09:18

"I'm amazed at this thread and the lack of concern for a child whose mother has brought a violent man into their house"

Yes, and it's very likely that her mother is also an offender. But "mind your own people" and "wow, what a nasty bunch of friends"

Fucking unbelievable