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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Friends relationship revelation.

245 replies

BlooShoos · 18/04/2021 20:24

To put this into context, a very close friend of mine has just told our group (five of us, friends since college) that her partner of about 2 years has been to prison, and that he served 8 years of a 13 year sentence with 5 years on license.
The partner... lets call him Rob, looks at my friend like a kid looks at cake, he absolutely adores her, he provides for her and her son, (she works too, but 'Rob' likes the breadwinner role) he seems to be all legit, and they are an absolutely solid couple.
Now, 'Rob' going to prison, in essence isn't the issue. What is the issue is that Lucie (not her real name) used to be a high ranking prison officer. And it turns out that Rob used to be on her Unit. Lucie swears blind that nothing happened while she was working in the prison, she was still with her ex, and her and Rob met after he;d been released and Lucie had left the prison service, they moved in together last year at the beginning of lockdown. I believe her, but a couple of others in our group don't and think it's a massively inappropriate and are threatening to make a big noise about Lucie and Rob. I believe his crime was quite violent, but an unfortunate one - a single, drunken punch. And as I've said, he has always seemed a really good guy, but as nice as he seems to be, with Lucie's past employment and his criminal history, AIBU to think this is all a bit odd?

OP posts:
KingdomScrolls · 19/04/2021 07:31

If Lucie was the custody manager and I've him while he was in prison she knows what he actually got convicted of. I work in the CJ system and in almost twenty years I have seen this once (community agency not custody) the person was fired and criminal charges bright as she had disclosed details of a police operation that targeted his friends.
What has happened several times in recent years in our local prison is through the gate charity workers forming relationships with inmates, they are barely trained and on very very low salaries. Two of them it was the same offender (highly manipulative DA perp). So this does happen.
Unless he had a history of similar or prolific offending it is highly highly unlikely he'd get 13 years for a one punch manslaughter. If they are lying about his history and behaviour that would ring alarm bells for me.
How did they resume contact OP? Did either over of them seek the other out, online or in person? That would indicate inappropriate prior relationship or at least flirtation to me, or did they meet in a pub and then it transpired through conversation he'd been in prison while she worked there?

Takesonetowriteone · 19/04/2021 07:35

@CleanAndPaidFor

No. It's not real. You need to do some more research OP. Your story lines sucks.
OP, research your sentencing guidelines before posting... 🙄
MrMucker · 19/04/2021 07:35

He's done his time and she's left her job and now they are happy together.
Now they are happy together. That's the sort of thing friends are meant to be happy for.
However, if some of you want to make a "big noise" about them, then it could be investigated and found that she struck up this relationship during professional service, even if that's not her take on it, and that could result in her having some sort of notice put on her police clearance certificate (DBS).
Meaning she'd never be able to get that sort of work again, or indeed any job requiring police clearance.
So if some of you wish for this, you need to rethink your definition of "friends".
Nasty righteous jealous busy bodies.

PersonaNonGarter · 19/04/2021 07:40

Your mutual friends sound awful. Just keep being nice as you are.

Yeah, it’s a bit dodgy. But they’re your mates and what good comes of being unpleasant?

Divebar2021 · 19/04/2021 07:44

I would probably limit my contact with Lucie... she’s clearly lacking in the brain cell department. Bringing a man convicted for a violent offence into her child’s life having met him while employed as a prison officer? Words fail me.

Nith · 19/04/2021 07:45

I don't understand what your other friends think they can achieve by making a fuss about this? The Prison Service can't discipline your friend, after all.

PattyPan · 19/04/2021 07:51

I think the confusion around the sentence length is a red herring - OP might have changed it to make it less identifying.

OP, just be there for Lucie. As others have said, I don’t think your friends can really do anything with their ‘noise’ as she left ages ago and he served his time. They’ll just have to deal with it.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/04/2021 07:52

I'm surprised that she revealed this huge piece personal information about him. She must have known it would colour people's judgement.

Nobody's business except theirs, as long as she is happy with him, and her child isn't at risk, just keep out of it.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 19/04/2021 07:54

I wonder if this was a female offender suddenly dating their male prison officer if people would be telling the OP to mind her own business, be there for him l, saying he sounds lovely and be expressing sympathy for him?

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 19/04/2021 07:55

It's very possible. One of my son's friends did a "drunken punch" and his victim died of a severe head injury because he fell onto a metal grating . So I wouldn't be at all sceptical of this scenario.

That's not a drunken punch though is it, that's manslaughter

FlyingBurrito · 19/04/2021 07:59

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

It's very possible. One of my son's friends did a "drunken punch" and his victim died of a severe head injury because he fell onto a metal grating . So I wouldn't be at all sceptical of this scenario.

That's not a drunken punch though is it, that's manslaughter

No one is doubting that one punch deaths end up with prison sentences, only that 13 years is too long a sentence without other serious issues involved.
VaggieMight · 19/04/2021 08:00

What is it that your friends hope to achieve?

MyOtherProfile · 19/04/2021 08:01

On one hand I'm sorry for Lucie that her friends are being so judgemental.

On the other hand I'm also dubious about 13 years for a single punch. There's a Tory MP up north somewhere campaigning for longer sentences because her dad was killed this way and she claims the sentences are notoriously light.

MyOtherProfile · 19/04/2021 08:03

His killer got out after 18 months.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-tees-56094870.amp

Gothichouse40 · 19/04/2021 08:08

I don't think I would have posted this on such a public forum. If I were you, request to get this taken down.

ittakes2 · 19/04/2021 08:09

Maybe they became friends in prison. Who knows. Unless there is a huge back story - if she has been a good friend to you than be a good friend back and support her now. If they are not hurting anyone else let them enjoy their happiness!

TeachesOfPeaches · 19/04/2021 08:09

Google one punch death and you will see this happens far too often. You can get convicted of man slaughter

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 19/04/2021 08:10

Would people call the friends judgmental if Lucie was a teacher who ended up going out with a pupil a couple of years after he left school?

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 19/04/2021 08:12

@TeachesOfPeaches of course it happens, look up laws around 'egg shell skull' - essentially if you punch someone who then dies because they hit their head and have a thin skull, it is treated as manslaughter or similar rather than assault even though the assailant wasn't to know that their victim had a thin skull. But that isn't a "one drunken punch" incident like the OP describes and even then rarely gets such a lengthy sentence

Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady · 19/04/2021 08:12

Would people call the friends judgmental if Lucie was a teacher who ended up going out with a pupil a couple of years after he left school?

Yep, that's the same Hmm

Maggiesfarm · 19/04/2021 08:20

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

Would people call the friends judgmental if Lucie was a teacher who ended up going out with a pupil a couple of years after he left school?
Presumably there would be some age difference in that scenario.

The op's friend had left the prison service, had a relationship resulting in a child, before she got together with this man some years later.

I think they should be left to get on with their lives, he did his time.

roses2 · 19/04/2021 08:26

@BlooShoos

The more I talk about it, the more "on her side" I am. I like him, he's a nice guy and as per my post, I love how he is with her and her son, anyone would think he was his own, he's an amazing stepdad to a little boy who now no longer has one. I guess I want to have a bit of back up with the friends in our group who seem to want to treat her and him like Leppers.
Did he punch the kids dad?
HeadNorth · 19/04/2021 08:33

Rob, looks at my friend like a kid looks at cake

Does no one else find this super creepy? 13 years is a long sentence for manslaughter, there must have been aggravating factors. And she moved this convicted killer, who 'likes the breadwinner role' in to play happy families with her son. Everything about this situation is a red flag.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 19/04/2021 08:33

The so-called friends wanting to ‘make a big noise’ sound like total wankers - and not just for using the phrase ‘make a big noise’. To what end? Do they want Lucie drummed out of the prison service? Too late; she’s long gone.

A lot of people on here are questioning the length of the sentence, but according to the OP, the ‘friends’ haven’t done that. They’re not worrying that Lucie or her child could be vulnerable - they’re taking a moral stand against someone they’re supposed to like.

AmyLou100 · 19/04/2021 08:36

I honestly can't see what this has to do with anyone else. Your friends are nasty and judgmental. The question is: without knowing any of their history are they good people and do you like them as friends? If that's the case then the rest doesn't matter. And it has been a long time they are together, he has done his time. They need to mind their business.