AIBU - Friends relationship revelation.

[BlooShoos]

To put this into context, a very close friend of mine has just told our group (five of us, friends since college) that her partner of about 2 years has been to prison, and that he served 8 years of a 13 year sentence with 5 years on license.
The partner... lets call him Rob, looks at my friend like a kid looks at cake, he absolutely adores her, he provides for her and her son, (she works too, but 'Rob' likes the breadwinner role) he seems to be all legit, and they are an absolutely solid couple.
Now, 'Rob' going to prison, in essence isn't the issue. What is the issue is that Lucie (not her real name) used to be a high ranking prison officer. And it turns out that Rob used to be on her Unit. Lucie swears blind that nothing happened while she was working in the prison, she was still with her ex, and her and Rob met after he;d been released and Lucie had left the prison service, they moved in together last year at the beginning of lockdown. I believe her, but a couple of others in our group don't and think it's a massively inappropriate and are threatening to make a big noise about Lucie and Rob. I believe his crime was quite violent, but an unfortunate one - a single, drunken punch. And as I've said, he has always seemed a really good guy, but as nice as he seems to be, with Lucie's past employment and his criminal history, AIBU to think this is all a bit odd?

@ancientgran

“Rare means it happens” not as the OP says, it doesn’t. It’s bullshit.

If “Rob” was an otherwise decent guy who was involved in a “one punch scenario” there is no way he got 13 years. In fact there would be no way he’d get half of that.

Provided they’re in England and Wales (and I accept I’ve assumed) I’d go as far as to say impossible.

They don't sound like very good friends, they should mind their business

@CrazyNeighbour

It is possible that the OP has changed some details. The point is that in U.K. once you get to 13 year sentences you’re talking a very specific type of offence and offender. They’re certainly not of the “unfortunate” type.

[quote PegasusReturns]@ancientgran

“Rare means it happens” not as the OP says, it doesn’t. It’s bullshit.

If “Rob” was an otherwise decent guy who was involved in a “one punch scenario” there is no way he got 13 years. In fact there would be no way he’d get half of that.

Provided they’re in England and Wales (and I accept I’ve assumed) I’d go as far as to say impossible.[/quote]
Absolutely this. So either the OP's post is untrue or if she is genuine, the details shes been given by Lucie / Rob are untrue.

@glitterelf

Hmm I just did a quick Google and there was a case back in 2016 where two men robbed a pizza delivery man and in the process punched him to the ground with fatal results so there could be contributing factors for the length of sentencing.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/uk-news/2016/nov/18/two-men-jailed-killing-pizza-hut-delivery-driver-ali-qasemi-peterborough

One of those men did get 13 years, @glitterelf

But as you say - contributing factors. Two men planned the attack, for £45 and the cost of their pizza. Which they then apparently ate, whilst laughing about the attack. This also happened far more recently than “Rob’s” crime, and sentences have been under pressure to increase in the meantime.

So I think this 2016 case is further evidence that no way did Rob get 13 years for a one off tragic drunken punch. Definitely more to it. Which Lucie should not to playing down.

I would consider Lucie to have poor judgement and that she is badly minimising what happened.

And whilst I wouldn’t stop being friends with her per se, I would be careful around my boundaries as to how far I was willing to let Rob into my life. It would also provide a filter for other things she says and does and so I would probably be more cautious around how I interact with her.

I’m curious as to Lucie’s motives for sharing.

Perhaps the scales are dropping from her eyes.

Like others, I see potential red flags in the “breadwinner” comment and his rather exaggerated attachment to her child. Love bombing? Control?

Perhaps, Lucie is starting to find she’s uncomfortable with Rob. But all her friends think he’s amazing.

Perhaps she’s actually hoping (subconsciously or otherwise) that all her friends are going to tell him that he’s dangerous, and to get away.

Perhaps he’s already scared her that if she dumps him, he’ll accuse her of the abuse of power?

Obviously I’m reaching here... but look, it’s an odd think you now bring up, isn’t it? So I’d be very curious why she’s risked her friends disapproving of her, let alone “making noise”.

I’d be getting her alone and opening the conversation, “hey - that was a big risk to tell us. Are you OK...?”

@Cocomarine

I’m curious as to Lucie’s motives for sharing.

Perhaps the scales are dropping from her eyes.

Like others, I see potential red flags in the “breadwinner” comment and his rather exaggerated attachment to her child. Love bombing? Control?

Perhaps, Lucie is starting to find she’s uncomfortable with Rob. But all her friends think he’s amazing.

Perhaps she’s actually hoping (subconsciously or otherwise) that all her friends are going to tell him that he’s dangerous, and to get away.

Perhaps he’s already scared her that if she dumps him, he’ll accuse her of the abuse of power?

Obviously I’m reaching here... but look, it’s an odd think you now bring up, isn’t it? So I’d be very curious why she’s risked her friends disapproving of her, let alone “making noise”.

I’d be getting her alone and opening the conversation, “hey - that was a big risk to tell us. Are you OK...?”

That seems quite possible.

I read the OP and was worried, as the combination of violent ex offender and wants to be the breadwinner struck me as leading into a DA situation.

It's none of your business really.

I have represented somebody who got embroiled in a brawl, punched somebody on a night out and the person fell back, hit his head and died. He got about 13 years. Got released many years ago so don't think it's the same person. But it does happen. And incidentally, he was a really nice lad, just happened to be pissed, 19, and in the wrong place at the wrong time. Having said that, it's unusual and I would be suspicious that he might have glossed over the facts. However, if she met him in prison she will know exactly waht he did and she's clearly comfortable with it so it's up to her.

I wouldnt really give a shit about whether it's professional or not.

I agree that I'd be more concerned about the breadwinner business. Sounds controlling.

"I wouldnt really give a shit about whether it's professional or not."

Do you give a shit about prison staff who may have been harmed by her actions?

Do you give a shit that if she's willing to cross that line it's more than likely she crossed other lines that breach security?

Do you give a shit that these security breaches could be ongoing?

Probably not. Most people don't give a shit about the dangers faced by prison staff day in, day out, made even harder by corrupt fuckers like Lucie and the people who "mind their own business".

@OldWivesTale represented in what capacity?

I simply don’t believe a youth, otherwise of good character, got 13 years for a single punch.

It is possible that the OP has changed some details. The point is that in U.K. once you get to 13 year sentences you’re talking a very specific type of offence and offender. They’re certainly not of the “unfortunate” type.

The starting point for cat B of manslaughter is 12 years. That would involve a premeditated fight/attack or en element of coercion/involving others, or hate crime motivations.

Then sentences get reduced or heightened (up to a point) depending on other factors.

To get such a high sentence there definitely has to be an intent to cause harm (even if not murder) .

@AccidentallyOnPurpose I’m not clear whether you’re agree or disagreeing with me?

The point remains no one of good character gets 13 years for an “unfortunate” one punch and you need much more than just an intention to cause harm to warrant a 13 year sentence.

[quote PegasusReturns]@AccidentallyOnPurpose I’m not clear whether you’re agree or disagreeing with me?

The point remains no one of good character gets 13 years for an “unfortunate” one punch and you need much more than just an intention to cause harm to warrant a 13 year sentence.[/quote]
I'm adding to it so hopefully people see it can't possibly be "just a drunken punch". That's what caused the other person to die, not the full extent of the crime.

If they then wish to explain the circumstances away anyways, then that's up to them.

Hope this makes sense.

Another one speaking with experience who is sure that rob is not being honest about the reason for his prison stay.

But if he was in the prison where Lucie worked, isn’t it more likely she knows that and she’s the one not being honest?

@StillCoughingandLaughing

But if he was in the prison where Lucie worked, isn’t it more likely she knows that and she’s the one not being honest?

I don't know if she would have had access to his details once she left the prison service and she didn't get together with Rob for quite a while after that. I suppose she could ask someone she knows who still works there but would anyone do that, involving another person to get information?

Whatever it really isn't her friends' business. They need to step back and hope for the best.

"she didn't get together with Rob for quite a while after that"

and you know that how?!

Has anybody questioned the paternity of the child yet? Might be Rob’s..