To feel like childminder gave up too quickly?

[Flickie]

My little boy (23 months) has been with his childminder for 10 months, he settled in great and has always been happy there. He does usually cry a lot on drop off but settles really quickly. In the past two weeks he's been unsettled and upset all day there, we aren't sure why, he goes 2.5 days a week and has since the start. She's text me tonight and said the last 2 weeks she's had no time to help the other kids, the whole day has had to revolve around him crying and it's not fair on the others and that we need to look for another setting for him. I'm a bit shocked she's given up on him so quickly. He was fine there for months and it seems like something we could of tried to work through rather than just giving him the boot

DD seemingly had a personality clash with her childminder. She just never really settled.

I felt like an utter failure (which I now realise is daft).

It's very odd because DD has been well used to being looked after by my friends/family and has always been happy without me there but she was just not happy with this childminder.

I see this as just being one of those things but the childminder seems bitter about it years down the line and implies that there's something wrong with DD.

DD is now very happy at nursery.

If I have another baby, they'll go to nursery from the outset. More staff means there's more chance of the child finding someone they warm to whereas it's a bit eggs all in one basket with a childminder.

If it helps, OP, our nursery is fantastic. They have lots of different rooms and lots of outdoor play space. It also backs on to a woodland area where the children go for walks and to feed the squirrels etc. There are some incredible nurseries out there. I'd book into a few for a walk around to look at their premises and see how you feel about it.

Again, our nursery is fantastic if he's having a down day. They have more pairs of hands available to give children 1-1 attention if they need it. There's also the added bonus of not worrying about childminder holidays or sickness.

Dd1 was really unhappy in nursery and we moved her to a cm - the difference in her was instant. Finding the right setting for a dc is important and it doesn’t sound like the cm you have is right for ds. It’s frustrating and doesn’t improve ime - dtds had after school club that closed (with no notice just over night) then a cm who resigned but then apologised and decided to reduce dc and continue with mine but then 6 months later resigned fully. Dh now works from home and after school muddles along working with 3 dc in the house. I’m hoping we can keep going like this until they go to secondary because I can’t be bothered with childcare hassle any more.

To clear up some of the myths about childminders...

Childminders have smaller ratios than nursery. A childminder can only have six children under the age of eight, of which no more than three can be under school age and no more than one of those three pre-schoolers can be under the age of one except in specific (and OFSTED approved) circumstances such as twins. The childminders own children are counted within these ratios too. The childminder can have children over the age of eight and they do not count in the ratios on the condition that their care does not impact upon the younger children.

Childminders are trained, have to be registered (its illegal not to be) and are inspected. As a condition of registration they must be DBS checked, have approved-provider paediatric first aid training, be insured, have a food hygiene certificate (our LA inspects this) and safeguarding training (our LA provides an approved training course for a fee).

Childminders must follow the educational curriculum and operating conditions set out in the EYFS portion of the National Curriculum (as must all early years settings). This is a legal requirement and they must also keep relevant records and progress checks to show this is being done.

So stories about childminders smoking at the park and neglecting kids at softplay are not indicative of the profession as a whole.

While 2 weeks doesn't sound like a lot, it is if you've to spend day after day with an unsettled crying child while trying to factor in other children's needs. I'd also question whether he was that well settled in before. Maybe the childminder didn't bring up any issues before as they were minor but have had a cumulative effect.

Hi Op. Haven't RTFT but read some. If your child only needs part time care then it may be possible to find a nanny share. This would be considerably cheaper than a nursery and they would work in your house so your child wod be surrounded by their own things.

It sounds as though you're viewing the last two weeks as the problem but the childminder is viewing it in the context of crying every morning for 10 months and having an unsettled two weeks. Your DC isn't happy there despite there being some smiling photos from during the days. Hopefully you'll be able to find somewhere that suits him better.

My childminder did this. It left me completely in the lurch. I see her on the school run now nearly a decade on and still feel annoyed , if she'd had a good reason I wish she'd told me what it was.

My mom is a childminder, you cannot grasp how excruciating it is to have unsettled kids in a childminder’s household until you have to listen to the same kid cry on repeat for hours on hand, it is excruciating and so so unfair and everyone, (not least the crying kid) and especially the other kids.

I was visiting her last Friday and she has a little girl who clearly isn’t made for being at a childminder, and gets triggered by every single little thing, she pretty much cried the entire time I was there unless someone held her no matter the attempt to have her play with the other kids. It is seriously so unfair on everyone who lives there and the other kid to have another kid cry continuously in their ears and monopolizing the childminder’s time and attention and I say this as someone who have cared for countless toddlers and kids professionally myself.

Some kids thrive at a childminder and some kids don’t. As someone who grew up in the house of a childminder, trust me when I say that usually by the time the childminder wants your kid out, it’s very likely because she has reached the end of her tether and that your kid probably was never fully settled to start with and she is just realizing he never will be. You know childminders have multiple babies/toddlers to deal with, if they had to cope with several toddlers crying all day at once for weeks on end until they got over it and hopefully settled, it would drive more than one over the edge. Honestly even us, the kids of the childminder, the mental impact of having to hear non-stop crying from specific kids all day when they aren’t settling can mentally be unbearable at times.

It’s annoying this isn’t working out but it’s a sign your child needs something different, take it as an opportunity to reassess his needs and figure out what he needs (and it’s looking like it might actually be one on one. The little girl at my mom’s would love a nanny, but she really can’t cope with divided attention and sharing so it’s not benefiting her to be at my mom’s at all and is as a result making everyone miserable and I think my mom would do everyone a favor if she suggested the parents find alternative care.)

She's text me tonight and said the last 2 weeks she's had no time to help the other kids, the whole day has had to revolve around him crying and it's not fair on the others and that we need to look for another setting for him.

I think that's pretty clear. No means no - even if it's a childminder and it is a disappointment and an inconvenience for you to find another.

She's not his doctor, or his assessor. His crying problem is not hers to sort out or figure out; she's tried to handle it for 5 days full-on, and it's too much.

If you can get through the month until he is 2, I would look at a preschool type nursery. Ds is an only child who had never really played with other children, I took him to playgroup but he never mixed. Once he started preschool just after he was 2, he loved it, there were lots of different activities, an outside play area (it was a church preschool & they had a part of the church yard) Ds spent most of his time talking to old ladies through the railings, they managed him well despite the fact he didn't mix ( he was diagnosed with autism later) After a couple of weeks he couldn't get there fast enough & cried when it was time to come home. The staff did a brilliant job getting him ready for school, they taught him independence, the foundations to start school, he could write his name & simple words, he was starting to write, knew how to ask for the toilet, do simple PE lessons, could add up & subtract simple numbers, count money. I'm sure if he hadn't gone there he would have struggled when he started school.

He obviously doesn’t like it there. Maybe that’s because he doesn’t like her, or the household, or the other kids.

It's sad for you and very sad for your son who's probably used to that minder now, but think of it from the other parents pov. They're paying for their children to be there but the minder is mostly giving one to one care to one child and having to ignore theirs. The minder might be worried they'll lose other children if it carries on any longer, it's their job at the end of the day and they probably don't have the time to give your son to work through this.

@FoxyTheFox

To clear up some of the myths about childminders...

Childminders have smaller ratios than nursery. A childminder can only have six children under the age of eight, of which no more than three can be under school age and no more than one of those three pre-schoolers can be under the age of one except in specific (and OFSTED approved) circumstances such as twins. The childminders own children are counted within these ratios too. The childminder can have children over the age of eight and they do not count in the ratios on the condition that their care does not impact upon the younger children.

Childminders are trained, have to be registered (its illegal not to be) and are inspected. As a condition of registration they must be DBS checked, have approved-provider paediatric first aid training, be insured, have a food hygiene certificate (our LA inspects this) and safeguarding training (our LA provides an approved training course for a fee).

Childminders must follow the educational curriculum and operating conditions set out in the EYFS portion of the National Curriculum (as must all early years settings). This is a legal requirement and they must also keep relevant records and progress checks to show this is being done.

So stories about childminders smoking at the park and neglecting kids at softplay are not indicative of the profession as a whole.

I agree there are a lot of assumptions about childminders, many that are unfair. Of course there will be some that are crap, but they are still regulated by OFSTED, and follow the same 'curriculum' as nurseries.

They do messy play, different topics, pre-covid plenty of childminder groups and activities; here they have an allotment they share and there used to be CM groups at the library etc so plenty of socialisation, and ratios for pre school age children are low.

I agree it's not for everyone and nurseries are also great, but it's misleading. There is also someone on these threads though that sees them about (always smoking) and neglecting the children, weird that.

Also always someone*

@Floweree I’m not anti cm personally and tried very hard to find a cm for oldest dd.

However, locally about 7 years ago we had a cm group of 5 or 6 cm who were conspicuous at group activities. All but one of these ladies rarely did any of the activities with the kids and the poor kids were often just wandering around alone and other adults ended up eg asking them if they wanted to do the play doh or whatever. The group leader commented on it.

I don’t think these cm are representative of the majority but cm like them are publicly visible in a way that poor nursery practice (which I’m sure also exists in pockets) is not.

@Floweree I think there are always misconceptions about any childcare settings if people have a strong opinion or a bad experience.

On MN a lot of the time nurseries are portrayed as uncaring, high numbers, just sit in a room all day and unwelcoming environment. I don't know any nursery which matches what half of MN goes on about.

CM is down to the person often get referred to as homely option like all there is good and bad despite the controls. Same with nurseries.

My SIL has done both as a childcare professional.

I think it's worth enquiring into all childcare options which is right for your child.

I do agree with posters that nursery may work for the OP child because of having other peers about

That's true @Foxhasbigsocks and @Scottishskifun -i think nurseries are great, just none around here, but absolutely agree different settings work best for different children and worth exploring all. Just feel that often it's not put across that they also follow themes etc like nursery do.

Two weeks is a long time for your son to have been crying all day. Can you imagine how upsetting it must be for him to cry all day every day? Honestly I wouldnt leave my dog crying all day for that long never mind my child! Hopefully the childminder putting a stop to it will be the best thing for your son and you will find somewhere he is happy. In your shoes I'd be taking sone time off and visiting some nurseries with him to find the best fit

@Flickie Crying on drop off for 10 months and then over a week of crying all day would have triggered a parental review when I worked in nurseries, too. It used to be part of the care guidelines, to make sure the child was okay.

We might not have moved straight to saying he needed to go elsewhere, but typically we’d suggest either full time attendance for a while to get him used to it, or considering if it’s the right fit... and neither of those were popular options too.

I will say that we always had the biggest problems with the kids who came for 2/2.5 days a week, they typically settled a lot less than the kids who spent more time there. It’s obviously parental choice, but if it’s possible; you might find spending more time there at least initially to settle in helps.

But this happens. Don’t beat yourself up. At least you know now that he’s unhappy, the childminder can’t manage him and look after her other charges to the level that she needs to, and you can find a solution

When they're so young if they're getting upset it's far better to keep them at home so they don't make a negative connection with being away from home etc. Take a few months then try elsewhere, he will probably be ok

Your son is almost certainly absolutely fine. You just need to find him a caregiver who he clicks with (whether childminder or nursery). As adults, we can develop working relationships with people we don't particularly like or gel with, but this is too much to expect of a young child who depends on his caregiver for reassurance and to meet his emotional needs.

On MN a lot of the time nurseries are portrayed as uncaring, high numbers, just sit in a room all day and unwelcoming environment. I don't know any nursery which matches what half of MN goes on about.

The ones near me kind of are. They say they go out on trips around the town but I've seen them - 6 toddlers strapped in a bus buggy looking bored shitless while the nursery nurses are chatting to each other. Whenever I see the kids out of the nursery they are ALWAYS strapped into a buggy the whole time which isn't my idea of an outing.

In the three people in this scenario,you are the only one happy with it.your dc and the cm are not .This is probably for the best as your dc needs to be happy.

I have been involved in working with nurseries for many years and not one of them have the children 'cooped' up or like NoIDontWatchLoveIsland has suggested.

A nursery setting sounds much more appropriate as there are more staff to help your DS settle. I am not sure how long you can expect a sole carer to have to give your DS so much attention when they have other children, I am sure she wouldn't have wanted to give notice unless she had to.