To feel like childminder gave up too quickly?

[Flickie]

My little boy (23 months) has been with his childminder for 10 months, he settled in great and has always been happy there. He does usually cry a lot on drop off but settles really quickly. In the past two weeks he's been unsettled and upset all day there, we aren't sure why, he goes 2.5 days a week and has since the start. She's text me tonight and said the last 2 weeks she's had no time to help the other kids, the whole day has had to revolve around him crying and it's not fair on the others and that we need to look for another setting for him. I'm a bit shocked she's given up on him so quickly. He was fine there for months and it seems like something we could of tried to work through rather than just giving him the boot

It's not odd or abnormal to cry at drop off,mine did this but the OP said he was crying all day ??

That's true- maybe she just doesn't want to look after him for whatever reason.

I am also not so sure that toddlers go home and tell their parents that they've not had enough attention because so and so was crying

Childminders don't just have toddlers, they have children right up to early teens (13 seems to be the cut off here as that's when they start high school) and even young children of 2-3yo are capable of saying an age appropriate variation on "Jane couldn't play painting, John kept crying".

crying all day can be a sign of developmental issues.

I feel sorry for the other kids (2 weeks is a long time to a child).

OP has said she has no concerns about his development, crying taken in isolation - especially in this situation - is not an indication of developmental issues.

@Flickie in the last 2 weeks has the childminder had more older children because of it being the school holidays , if so maybe that is what has upset him . If that’s the case then a nursery may be better as at least he will be with children of a similar age .

It is sad that from what you have said that it may be a phase of seperation anxiety which will pass. But it is up to the childminder how much she will take and as long as she is keeping to her contract there really is nothing to be done other than looking for other childcare

I am a childminder and all children are different as regards drop off.I had a brother and sister . He was older and cried most mornings a bit when saying bye to Dad. His sister marched past him to run inside.
It is nobody's fault. Your childminder just doesn't want to cope with his needs at the expense of other kids .Or his crying can also be just too stressful for her to deal with and she just doesn't want to.
Horrible situation for you , but it will be OK . Try not to be discouraged . You will have to find another childcare facility but perhaps after listening to other Mums here , you wont feel that you have to not at least look at a nursery setting.

Op my gut instinct is that she may not have communicated very clearly with you in the past about how days have gone.

If all childcare providers acted like this then my own high need toddler would never have stayed at any provider. Thankfully they gave him more than 5 days when he had upset phases! I really do feel for you

But I think the 5 days is a red herring. Seems unlikely she jumped so fast and I suspect she has had other difficult days.

Either way I think to be crying at drop off for so long signals that a different setting would be better for him. I hope you can find something you are happy with

If you can find the right nursery he will have an amazing time, my LO goes to our very local (across the road from us!) nursery and it's absolutely amazing! She lives it, they change the theme every week, she has playing with jelly dinosaur swamps, they let the children paint dolly's and bath them after, have an actual boat in the garden that the children can play on. She looks forward to going both days she's there! She came home with green, yellow and pink hair Friday as they played hairdressers! I honestly don't think anywhere else could be better for her. It is a little independent nursery she goes to, I never liked the big ones my other children attended as it seemed to impersonal.

@Devlesko very few au pairs to be had now - the EU ones can’t get in as no au pair visa post covid and they don’t want to come anyway due to lockdown.

crying for 2 weeks is abnormal.

especially in a child of nearly 2

OP have you asked child why he's so upset?

We moved our DS from a childminder to a nursery at 2.4 and honestly it was the best decision we ever made for him. We should have made the move earlier. He'd go off perfectly happily to his childminder, just occasionally tears, but had stopped being very enthused about it and would come home still bouncing with energy. We eventually figured out that since she had (understandably) taken on younger children, including two babies, he was getting much less attention and outdoor-time, including fewer playground trips. It just wasn't working for him.

His nursery is great. He hasn't particularly gelled with his key worker (she is very kind and gentle but he prefers a more no-nonsense brisk approach), but he is fond of her and has exposure to the other nursery staff as well, two of whom he absolutely adores. There is also a male nursery nurse who apparently merits almost god-like adulation from him . There is a large enclosed garden space with water activities, bug hotels, sand and mud and trees to climb. The whole atmosphere is calm and purposeful. Although we had tears for the first couple of weeks, he now runs through the door practically without a backward glance. He comes home bedraggled and exhausted and falls straight asleep at night.

There will be a setting out there which will work better for your DS.

Had the same. Except my dd was biting other kids. Moved to nursery and fine
My dd just didn't get in with cm and vice verss

Realistically you don't want him in a strong where the provider thinks he's too much trouble anyway, so you need to look elsewhere. Don't write off a good nursery, DS goes to a lovely Montessori. He's just gone into the kindergarten class 2.5+ and they have free flow indoor outdoor all day, they also have forest school activities in the woodland and clearing area attached (owned by nursery), he lives nature and keening about the trees, birds, plants etc, they do gardening and grow fruit and veg, when DS is 3+ we can choose a blend of forest and Montessori or one or the other. He's got good friends, he's been in 3 rooms there now and has been very fond of all of the nursery workers he's been with, pre Covid they'd get all the age groups together a couple of times a week for singing around the piano, they do trips out to the beach, local aquarium etc, the fire brigade visit and show them around the fire engines/hoses and talk to them, they learn about different religious festivals, there are fetes and sports day and concerts. They are given well balanced home cooked food and snacks.
His speech is fantastic for his age, he's confident, sociable and very happy, he practically runs through the door on his days there. DN has always been at home or the odd day with a family member, he's a little older than DS but you wouldn't know it in their communication and social skills, some of that will be down to personality and home parenting styles but I genuinely believe a fair proportion of it is down to nursery.

@Flickie

Surely a nursery will be harder for him? He loves being outdoors and goes on so many trips with his childminder, I think he'll be way worse cooped up in a nursery and only venturing as far as their garden

Misconception about nurseries!

Its worth finding a good one my son has several trips out each week to beach, woods, see the trains etc.

They also do so many activities.
I wouldn't rule it out til you do some research into what's available in your local area

This is a worry OP. I feel that it must be significant if your CM doesn't feel it is just settling in. Remember she will have experience of settling loads of kids. She is really saying she can't meet his emotional needs. I would want her honesty and specific detail about what she felt the issues were? Is it lack of adults available or something more? I would be cautious about Nursery as the ratios of adults are much different. He might have to share 1 adult to quite a few other children in preschool age, whereas childminders generally have less children. If he can't cope with attaching to one adult he won't cope with less adults available to him. This could be a step too far and you will end up with a similar situation to the one you are in, that he becomes distressed and adults are busy tending to other children's needs. Does he need sole care or is it a separation issue?

Hopefully you’ll look back on this and think of it as a blessing in disguise. It’s just not the right fit. I’m a massive believer in gut feeling: children have to express their gut feeling in different ways. One of mine (aged about 3 at the time I think) once bolted and ran away when I knocked on the door of a childminder. He had gone a couple of times previously and didn’t fancy another day there one bit! He never went again. My friends told me I was mad and that kids do funny things . . . But sometimes actions speak louder than words. It wasn’t for him. We luckily found another childminder and he ran in, rather than running away

Why are people suggesting he has autism because he isn't settling at the childminders, that's ridiculous.

My son is autistic and settled at nursery straight away.

@Devlesko sorry I meant no au pair visa post Brexit

I honestly think your child would be better off in a Nursery. My DD loved it at hers, she could run in & out to the woodland play area whenever she liked and they had a big soft play frame complete with snake slide, on the inside! Besides, if you saw the way Child minders treat their charges when out & about, you wouldn't want him going back regardless!

I dont understand why you would want him to stay somewhere where he is so unhappy he cries all day. You need to look at other options.