To feel like childminder gave up too quickly?

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My little boy (23 months) has been with his childminder for 10 months, he settled in great and has always been happy there. He does usually cry a lot on drop off but settles really quickly. In the past two weeks he's been unsettled and upset all day there, we aren't sure why, he goes 2.5 days a week and has since the start. She's text me tonight and said the last 2 weeks she's had no time to help the other kids, the whole day has had to revolve around him crying and it's not fair on the others and that we need to look for another setting for him. I'm a bit shocked she's given up on him so quickly. He was fine there for months and it seems like something we could of tried to work through rather than just giving him the boot

I would like her to persist and get to them bottom of the problem (is she not at least curious..it is surely something in her setting that is bothering him)

It's not up to the childminder to get to the bottom of it, she's not the parent here so the root cause is not her concern. There is also no reason to think its her setting causing the problem when he is crying at drop off every day for the last ten months, some children just don't like childcare. I had one of my DC who I couldn't leave with anyone as he hated being away from me. He did grow out of it but not until he was around 3yo and it wasn't anyone's fault, it was just how he was.

OP, you don’t seem to acknowledge the fact that the issue is not only the last two weeks but also the fact that he is still crying at drop off after 10 months.
I get that changing childcare provider is a hassle but surly you want to find a good fit, no?

Gosh if he is crying on drop off after 10 months then I think you've been unreasonable continuing to send him to a setting where he is not comfortable. None of the nurseries we've used only let the children out into the nursery garden by the way, there have always been various trips and outings. But if the only nurseries near you only offer outdoor play in the garden, then surely (if he settles in ok) that's better than him being miserable at a childminders?

OP YABVVU

She gave him 10 months! How much longer could she possibly give him?

Have you considered he may have autism? I'd contact health visitor or GP to refer to community paediatrics.

I'm a childminder and I had one child who cried every morning for the best part of 3 years at drop offs, she would settle instantly and when it came time to go to school she point blank refused and told her parents she was staying with me. Not all children who cry do so because they don't like the setting but because they would just prefer to stay with their parents and quickly forget and move on and have a great day.

For any childminder to give notice is a really hard decision but as others have said if caring for your child impacts the care of others then something needs to change. How long would you expect the minder to continue working with a child who's crying and unsettled all day?
How would you feel if your child wasn't receiving the level of care you expected because she's tied up with a child who's continually requiring her attention ?
I can guarantee that the minder will have tried everything in her power to settle your child before coming to this decision. From the first day of your child crying you both should've been working together to try and figure out what the issue is, unfortunately the childminder has clearly reached the end of the line.

Hi OP. We had a similar issue, although our was due to DD’a behaviour. The childminder got two babies in quick succession and our child couldn’t cope with no longer being the sole focus and began hitting. She would tell us it’s because she didn’t like the crying and I guess she liked the attention she got when she did hit. We too got our notice and I was devastated (and the timing was awful as I’d just started a new job). She was good as gold at home and when we’d meet friends with babies so couldn’t work out what was happening.

Moving DD to nursery however was the best thing we ever did. Don’t get me wrong we had the usual settling in issues most parents will have but she’s absolutely thriving and no sign of this horror child. Nursery are SO experienced with all kinds of kids. Our DD was and is easily overwhelmed but having got used to nursery as well as having had such experienced staff and she loves it. She has lots of little friends which is something we never thought she’d have if she went round hitting. Nursery have never had an issue with her behaviour.

I’d second other posters, try and take this and turn it into something better. I shall forever feel guilt for leaving DD with the CM for as long as I did when it clearly wasn’t working and with hindsight wasn’t in her best interests. But the CM will forever have a problem if she will exclude for these sorts of issues and at the end of the day it’s her loss. X

From a totally pragmatic point of view, she needs to make the decisions that are best for her business. Other children going home and complaining to their parents that they got no attention because of crying child? Not good for business. Crying child upsetting others at drop off times because one child being upset can often upset the others? Not good for business. Parents at drop off, parents on school run, parents at park, etc seeing childminder with a child who is always crying? Not good for business. If the level of care needed for one child is compromising the care needed for other children? Not good for business. She'll have had to take the decision of cutting one client loose in order to retain several other clients otherwise risk losing them all.

I can see this would be frustrating and hurtful for you OP, but now she’s given notice it’s time to find somewhere else as even if he becomes more settled the relationship has broken down. I use a childminder and a nursery and they both have their pros and cons. In nursery, he’ll be grouped with other children his age rather than the spread of ages a childminder has to cater for, so you may find that improves how engaged he is in activities they do.

I think I would be upset if I was a parent of another child who was not enjoying their time as much there due to the crying/lack of attention. If I was a child minder I might feel guilty for the lack of time given to other children .

Do we need the armchair diagnosing? Nothing the OP has posted suggests any sort of neurodevelopment concern, some children just don't like childcare and it takes a bit of trial and error to find the right setting for them. "Crying at the childminder's house" is not a sign of ASD.

It sounds as if he is really unhappy there. I would be grateful that the child minder is being honest with you. Crying every day for 10 months is really not normal. A lot of child minders wouldn't have persevered as long as that. Most children cry a bit for a few weeks at most, for many it's only the first few sessions. You don't know what it is he doesn't like.
I would approach a local nursery, explain what has happened and see what they say. At a nursery they will have 3 staff per room or maybe more, so your son will have some choice. My daughter definitely prefers some nursery staff to others. Also they are out in the garden all day there, with different activities laid on. When indoors they are painting, singing, dancing, playing in enormous cardboard boxes, different toys each day. If one child is upset there are other staff to look after the other children. It might be better for your child.

I don't suspect autism, I don't think, I did the MCHAT test last week and he scored 0. He has great eye contact, is very affectionate and loves kisses and cuddles, his words are coming on amazingly, he knows colours, animals etc. Walks, runs, climbs well. He holds things up to show us, brings things to us, points, asks clearly for what he wants. He answers to his name. He is very shy around people but does come out his shell eventually. Socially yes he is more clingy and can take a while to get used to people but I can see that being due to being a lockdown baby from 10 months onwards and not being around many other people.

You're wrong - a child would usually settle within three months. Not settling in setting is a red flag.

He didn't cry everyday for 10 months. He's been ok! He will cry a bit on drop off and settle quickly and have a good day. He's cried everyday for the past 2 weeks

PP we don't have to agree.

If he's crying all day I'd be quite concerned tbh and keen to find out why.

OP your childminder seems to have been hinting he was challenging for the past 10 months...

OP please call your GP - a child crying for 2 weeks isn't normal. Are there any changes at home? Are you expecting?

You're wrong - a child would usually settle within three months. Not settling in setting is a red flag.

Not settling in combination with other developmental and behavioural concerns? Possible red flag. Not settling with no other developmental or behavioural concerns? Not so much.

I think you should think about nursery - my experiences of it are not like the idea you have in your mind, although my DC has been to 2 nurseries and the current one is head and shoulders above the first one, so it pays to do your research. Local authority run nurseries tend to be better IMO. My child absolutely loves nursery, does not get upset going in and the staff are fantastic. The nursery (well a local authority one anyway ) would have a duty to support your child and try to get to the root of the emotional upset. There is a huge range of staff experience and a headteacher. The kids are stimulated all day with different activities, time in the fantastic garden and most nurseries are big on integrating the kids with the local community, so they go out for walks and trips. They celebrate all kinds of festivals, have Halloween and Xmas parties. Perhaps your son didn't really like the childminder/ someone in her family/ a pet/ another child. It doesn't sound right for him to have been upset at drop off for 10 months, and then crying for days there. I would take this as a chance to get a better fit for your son as it doesn't sound like the current set up is right for him anyway. Good luck

Crying at every drop off isn’t usually normal

Tho some do as almos a routine for them. Then fine there

Agree two bad weeks doesn’t seem long if he’s usually happy once dropped off

Tho equally if she is having to comfort him whole day she can’t look after the other children properly

What ages does she look after

In the end it’s her choice to give notice. Same as your choice if you left her to go to another cm

Maybe look at a first nursery if likes outdoors

@DingDongThongs The child who was in my setting who cried at virtually every drop off for almost 3 years did so because she'd prefer to be with her parents and the fact that she was with me term time only, no red flags whatsoever settled quickly and towards the end of each term would come in without crying then we'd be back to square one after every half term. A crying unsettled child doesn't simply jump to an ASD diagnosis.

I think posters are forgetting lockdown has happened in the midst of this little boys life twice.

It is natural he’ll be clingier than non-lockdown toddlers (if that makes sense.)

Not all children who cry do so because they don't like the setting but because they would just prefer to stay with their parents and quickly forget and move on and have a great day.

This is true for some children and there are also those who want to go to the setting but find the transition difficult. Mine is one of those, ask if she wants to go to nursery and she says yes, but she does get a wobbly lip on the doorstep at times. However the OPs child is not in that category by the sound of it.

I do think that as a child minder is trying to care single handedly for several children, it's wise of them to realise if certain children are not going to fit in for whatever reason. Whereas a nursery has more staff and can split children into different groups or give extra care to one without neglecting the others. Plus it's simply stressful for one person to deal with a crying toddler all day. At a nursery the staff can share that burden.