I would never want to be with a man who had used a prostitute

[ATieLikeRichardGere]

I hope I haven’t unwittingly ever been. When I know some friends of friends who have on stag dos etc. I find it really hard to reconcile with the fact that they then have girlfriends, wives, children. I can forgive people a lot of things, and I sort of believe that everything should be forgivable, but for some reason my visceral reaction to this is very extreme. I feel like I can more easily find sympathy for a terrorist, which probably isn’t rational, but I just feel like this is something I can’t accept. It’s so upsetting.

Why do you think everything should be forgiveable?! Even terrorism?

Plenty of things aren’t. That’s okay.

I couldn’t be with a man who paid for sex or any form of sexual activity.

It’s hard-line issue for me.

Agree, 100percent. I would extend that to men who watch porn

I suppose I think everything should be forgivable because of Christian beliefs that get drummed into you, even though I’m not religious.

YANBU. It's turned me off dates and potential long term partners in the past.

Men who use strippers, as well as men who are addicted to porn and pay for cam sex and personalised photos, etc. (Who w**k as a full time pastime). Men who ask for nudes and or send dick pics. They all give me the creeps.

@CaesarsDream

YANBU. It's turned me off dates and potential long term partners in the past.

Men who use strippers, as well as men who are addicted to porn and pay for cam sex and personalised photos, etc. (Who w**k as a full time pastime). Men who ask for nudes and or send dick pics. They all give me the creeps.

And they are all perverts IMO.

@VodselForDinner

I couldn’t be with a man who paid for sex or any form of sexual activity.

It’s hard-line issue for me.

Same. I think it says everything about a man if they have paid for sex, a lap dance etc

Dh finds the sex industry abhorrent and this is important to me.

I find it repugnant. I have a family member who goes on holidays to the Far East, and as a single, middle aged man we all know why. I won't tell my kids where 'Uncle Mark' has gone on holiday, as if they innocently repeat it to anyone it's also quite easy to figure out. It's bloody shameful for all of us, and no he's not had a proper girlfriend for a few years now. I imagine one slip of the tongue about foreign holidays would have them running a mile to the closest shower/GUM clinic.

I've told my husband that if he ever starts doing similar if we split up, I'd have a very difficult time allowing contact with the children. Extreme I know, but if a man is willing to treat a woman like a paid fuck-hole then his moral standards is at zero.

YANBU. It shows an attitude to women that I couldn't get over. The thing is though that men can talk a good talk and say they haven't been to strippers or prostitutes but you'll never know 100% that they haven't been.

YANBU.
That’s a pretty understandable boundary. I wouldn’t date a guy who had done that either, or a guy who visits strip clubs or regularly uses porn.
I’ve been told that this means I’ll end up alone, and even if it did I wouldn’t care. I think it’s fine to set your own standards.

I'm not sure about this. Using during a relationship in the past would be a red flag I couldn't get passed. Using one at 18/19 lads holiday in Amsterdam I'm not sure it would bother me.
I do see that there is an appropriate time for using of sex workers and when its done properly I have no issues with it.

@Springfern

Agree, 100percent. I would extend that to men who watch porn

I agree, wouldn't want to be with a man who watched porn or had paid for sex but it has nothing to do with me being unforgiving, I think I could forgive, just not want to be involved.

it's possible I wouldn't know, especially if I had met the man when we were both mature people.

This thread essentially encompasses why I choose to not befriend men like I do women and have decided not to date or enter a relationship. I've been disappointed one too many times.

I do see that there is an appropriate time for using of sex workers and when its done properly I have no issues with it.

I genuinely cannot think of one good reason sex work should exist.

@BrumBoo
As an example, let's take somebody with physical issues who cannot or by choice doesn't want a relationship, should they never experience sex? Or somebody that has been abused and cannot for whatever reason cannot have sex who want to use a sex worker to get over some psychological blocks. Obviously, this is all dependent on two people being in agreement of the transaction, if they are not then its a total complete no go.

I guess a foolish 18 year old doing this once I could get over, and feel more angry at a culture which told him that what he was doing was ok.

I feel the same way, however I think men are less aware of the issues than women. I mean, I suspect some have simply never thought deeply about it, the implications, the lack of consent.

Society hasn't yet achieved clarity on the issue with using women's bodies. If anything, it's been moving backward. The attempt to remove shame and stigma from women forced to accept sex work has led to a regressive acceptance of sex work, imo.

@CaesarsDream

YANBU. It's turned me off dates and potential long term partners in the past.

Men who use strippers, as well as men who are addicted to porn and pay for cam sex and personalised photos, etc. (Who w**k as a full time pastime). Men who ask for nudes and or send dick pics. They all give me the creeps.

Sleaze bags 🤢

The sex industry is horrific and I just couldn't see past or forgive that at all. I discussed it with my partner who thankfully agrees, but does share about some of our mutual friends who regularly use to visit strip clubs etc. Grim.

I do see that there is an appropriate time for using of sex workers and when its done properly I have no issues with it

When would be an appropriate time? Under what circumstances does a person's body become a place of employment? As for the scenario where a punter and sex worker agree terms and everything being A-okay with you. In what circumstances do you think a person finds themselves agreeing to be a sex worker? Do you think people with options, access to good quality well paid employment sit down and think "well being an insurance underwriter is well paid but selling my body would be better, I would rather expose myself to sti's, physical abuse, rape and the increased risk of being murdered than sit through another team building session or boring end of month reports". There's no such thing as ethical sex work.

[quote Pheebs2021]@BrumBoo
As an example, let's take somebody with physical issues who cannot or by choice doesn't want a relationship, should they never experience sex? Or somebody that has been abused and cannot for whatever reason cannot have sex who want to use a sex worker to get over some psychological blocks. Obviously, this is all dependent on two people being in agreement of the transaction, if they are not then its a total complete no go.[/quote]
No one is owed sex. Absolutely no one. To excuse it in any form is just excusing a millenia of misogyny that women were created to pleasure men. Yes, I know men can sell sex too, but that's usually also to other men. There is absolutely no reason for the sex industry except for allowing men to continue to think that having sex is their basic right.

You're not being unreasonable to feel so strongly about this that you'd be unwilling to accept any history of it in a partner. You are being unreasonable to be more willing to forgive terrorism than consensual paid sex.

But how often is paid sex ever truly consensual. There is an inescapable power imbalance that makes this seem unlikely.

Nobody is owed sex true, but people do have a need for it. Now I don't know if I am going to explain this well, but generally imo it is far easier for a woman to find a man to have a one off casual shag with than it is the other way around.
I don't necessarily think this makes the sex industry ok, but I can see why some males might use it.

YANBU. But I don't see that it's an issue of forgiveness unless it's a man with whom you are in a relationship. You are not in a position to have to forgive men in society at large who have used prostitutes, though you can obviously choose not to date them.

Presumably the reason you have a less visceral reaction to the terrorist example is because however horrific it is, it feels less personal to you, and perhaps hard to imagine it happening to you. If a terrorist had killed a member of your family I doubt you'd be so ready to forgive.