Am I selfish Brother’s Wedding

[HuxleyDog]

Not a day has gone by over the last couple of years when I haven’t thanked my lucky stars that things have worked out for us.
We got married just before the world span off its axis. Our jobs were secure and we decided to try for a baby and this is due at the end of July.
All this is in direct contrast to my brother. He has lost his job and his wedding has been cancelled twice. This wedding has now been rearranged for August, the same venue as previously but fu a weekday. My baby will be either a couple of weeks or a couple of days.
I could tell when I told him on Zoom there was an issue. He came into the garden a week ago and said that the baby wasn’t invited. I was devastated. He spoke about unfortunate timing. My mother told him and future SiL the reality of having a new born and how we can’t be separated and if there were issues the baby would be taken out. My brother apparently looked embarrassed but future SiL said baby would be a distraction from the wedding with aunts and cousins naturally wanting to see him.
Now if you’re with me so far I have come to terms with this. I feel sorry for them because of Covid etc that they’re not getting the wedding they want. I have told my brother that I will come alone to the ceremony all being well and DH will pop into reception to wish them well now here is my AIBU. DH is no longer invited. He was only invited as he is my husband and they don’t want him popping in and causing a distraction. I am so upset it is actually hurting.
There is no backstory. We have all always got on. There has never been any hint of either of them being anything other than down to earth.
Would you be upset? Would you say anything?

To my brother, I would absolutely say something. I would tell them they are being a pair of spoilt brats and u won't be attending their wedding and any children they may have won't be invited to any future celebrations I may be having, along with sil.

They sound like self-absorbed arseholes.

I barely remember the first week post-birth cos I was on the high strength painkillers after an emergency C-section (DD turned and I wasn't for trying to push a breech baby) so there would have been no way I would make a wedding even if it had been in my own house!

Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and your little squishy baby when they arrive.

Go...and wear a fucking massive white dress

I wouldn’t go, your baby is more important

Sorry I haven’t RTFT (I will after)

Are any kids going? Or is it a childless wedding? - if other kids are invited then I’d be upset too and instead of the “oh she couldn’t come” when people ask why your sister isn’t at their wedding, I’d want people to know that actually you could have seen them get married but SIL was threatened by a newborn stealing her limelight. Imagine being jealous of a newborn baby. Ugh.

Then if they and you have Facebook write a “Sorry I can’t come to your wedding. Again, I’m sure that BabyOP wouldn’t be a distraction like you thought but I hope you both have a lovely day and enjoy it. I’ll be thinking of you both today”

I’m pretty like that because then everyone will see and know that they are just wanky people.

"Someone previously ( I can’t reference names) suggested my husband waits outside the church. My brother was clear this wasn’t an option as the temptation would be too great for him to come in and my parents ( who are separated) would ask him in. I am gutted by their response about my husband."

I agree with you this is the nasty bit. They've thought this through and decided to be spiteful. Anyone can go into a church yard and your brother can't stop them, actually I've a niggling feeling that anyone can attend the church ceremony as it's a public event, although I may be wrong here.

As you live so near to the church and if you were feeling well, you could pop the baby in the pram and wander over with your DH to wave at everyone as they leave the church. But I've got a sneaky streak and this may not be your style. Hope your Mum gives them an earful

I would play nice and then come down with ‘diarrhoea and vomiting’ on the day. The idea that people being too distracted by a beautiful newborn to give them enough attention is petty and ridiculous. People can be happy for them and you at the same time. Ironically if they insist on this, all anyone will talk about at the wedding, whether you go or not will be ‘where’s the baby?’

Did they think your husband was going to dance on the table?
Leave them do it, they're idiots - not worth getting upset over. Of course, the big distraction is likely to be everyone asking why you're not there.

Had a similar situation many years ago. My cousin was getting married and she invited me and my ex wife. At the time our child was about a year old and we didn't have any viable options for child care as it was a really fancy wedding and a two night stay.

Bearing in mind that said cousin was also the godmother to our baby we asked if we could bring him.

She was steadfast that there were no children allowed and no exceptions.

That was the last time I spoke to her. I took it as an affront to her god son that she could not make that exception to enable us to attend and she took it as a personal smite that we wouldn't go.

Not suggesting that will be the outcome for you and I hope that it won't - but I have never looked back or regretted it. I get that weddings are an important day and you'd want everything to be just "so" - but at the expense of family is just not on.

I get the baby thing and TBH I think saying the baby will be a distraction and people wanting to see it is a polite way of saying we don't want a baby there crying and screaming at the church or reception .

I went to wedding once TBF they did try and take the baby out when it started but it kept interrupting the service starting crying and them clattering out everyone looking ,they came back in and then few minutes later it started again then they clattered out .

Uninviting DH totally different matter but why would he just be popping in . I can see how that wouldn't work there all seated eating he rolls up where does he sit do they feed him or not . If he was going he should commit to the meal and speeches .

Oh OP, I am so sorry your brother has made this decision. I think he has made it easier for you. You will only recently have given birth. Make your DC and DH your priorities and stay away from the wedding. If you feel up to it go out for the time of the service.

I don’t think they’re doing anything wrong; I wouldn’t have wanted a newborn at my wedding.

By the time you’re “just taking them out” they’ve already caused a disturbance with their fussing.

I don’t see why you are “so upset it is actually hurting”? Why? Because you won’t get to show your newborn off?

I have a newborn myself. It isn’t appropriate to take them to a wedding so it’s best if you decline; it’s just unfortunate timing.

They are being utterly ridiculous. I am not against child free wedding but afaiac a newborn stays with its mother and there is an exception.

If the bride is so concerned she'll be upstaged by a new born baby and is creating drama over this I feel deeply sorry for your brother. I'd just step away and be there for him in the future.

What is it about weddings that really exercises people’s selfish gland.
I’m sorry Op, it’s of course not reasonable to separate a mother and brand new baby.
He’ll be embarrassed when he becomes a dad and realises just how ridiculous he was.
God forbid someone coos over a baby and takes some attention from the bride.
Jesus, what a way to go through life. The attention MUST BE ON ME!

@dpotter is right - Any random person can attend a church wedding, nowt they can do. Why don't you both turn up in pyjamas, baby as well - and make sure you give it a prod so it cries at the best distracting moment?

I agree don't go but also just quietly suggest if they've had a rubbish year and had to cancel their wedding twice they might have a bit of crazy to get out of their systems, my sister was a dick before her wedding but it calmed down quickly the the other one took over

Sil sounds awful. Fancy that, her dh's niece /nephew being an unwelcome distraction.. I hope you make memo to self to be equally uninterested in their dc. She has divided her new family before even saying her vows...

YANBU ............don't go, don't feel guilty............this is their doing.

It’s one thing going on your own with your DH looking after baby, it’s another for him not to be invited.

I’d probably not politely decline - it’s not worth it! They are being petty.

Decline. Send a text - ''Having given it some thought I won't be in a position to attend the wedding. Hope the day goes well'. No need to get into any excuses or reasons. It's none of their business why you made the decision to put yourself and your family before their self absorbed nonsense. Even if they ask, I'd just repeat you're not in a position to attend. They'd want to be pretty stupid not to understand why you can't go. I'd send a card with your mother on the day but would be reluctant to send a gift. You've given them the gift of not bringing your baby so at least the bride will be centre of attention on the day - that's enough for them!

I think you need to listen to the unspoken message they are sending you which is their happiness and being the centre of attention is more important than you and the wellbeing of your child.

Imagine in 10 years time when you reflect on why you weren't there 'because they didn't want the attention for ONE day to be diverted from them'. How very sad and selfish but that's the message they're sending you. Instead of it being an opportunity to bring the whole extended family together after an awful time it's a show for the enjoyment only of the bride and groom. They should be embarrassed in years to come about this selfish decision.

Let them have their day.

They are being daft and live is too short.

You and Dh will have enough going on with a baby. I've had three and there would have been no way on earth I would have been able to take them to a wedding at a couple of weeks old anyway.

Jesus wept. They’ll be fucking unbearable if they have their own baby one day.

Fuck that noise. Say “nah, you’re alright. We won’t come.” I’m not sure if bother to be very polite about it.

I'm another who wouldn't go. Very hurtful indeed. The kind that's hard to forgive and move past.

@emilyfrost

I don’t think they’re doing anything wrong; I wouldn’t have wanted a newborn at my wedding.

By the time you’re “just taking them out” they’ve already caused a disturbance with their fussing.

I don’t see why you are “so upset it is actually hurting”? Why? Because you won’t get to show your newborn off?

I have a newborn myself. It isn’t appropriate to take them to a wedding so it’s best if you decline; it’s just unfortunate timing.

You again. Always contrary. Always ignored. 😂