Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I selfish Brother’s Wedding

491 replies

HuxleyDog · 18/04/2021 11:16

Not a day has gone by over the last couple of years when I haven’t thanked my lucky stars that things have worked out for us.
We got married just before the world span off its axis. Our jobs were secure and we decided to try for a baby and this is due at the end of July.
All this is in direct contrast to my brother. He has lost his job and his wedding has been cancelled twice. This wedding has now been rearranged for August, the same venue as previously but fu a weekday. My baby will be either a couple of weeks or a couple of days.
I could tell when I told him on Zoom there was an issue. He came into the garden a week ago and said that the baby wasn’t invited. I was devastated. He spoke about unfortunate timing. My mother told him and future SiL the reality of having a new born and how we can’t be separated and if there were issues the baby would be taken out. My brother apparently looked embarrassed but future SiL said baby would be a distraction from the wedding with aunts and cousins naturally wanting to see him.
Now if you’re with me so far I have come to terms with this. I feel sorry for them because of Covid etc that they’re not getting the wedding they want. I have told my brother that I will come alone to the ceremony all being well and DH will pop into reception to wish them well now here is my AIBU. DH is no longer invited. He was only invited as he is my husband and they don’t want him popping in and causing a distraction. I am so upset it is actually hurting.
There is no backstory. We have all always got on. There has never been any hint of either of them being anything other than down to earth.
Would you be upset? Would you say anything?

OP posts:
rawlikesushi · 18/04/2021 12:34

Go by yourself and have dp stand outside the church with your baby, just to see the bride arrive and watch everyone go in to the ceremony.

They can't stop him doing this and you wouldn't even need to tell them.

Obviously, he turns up with gorgeous new baby at the same time as the bride.

Beautiful3 · 18/04/2021 12:34

You cant leave your baby when it's a few days old, you'll be in resting and feeding mode! They're being incredibly selfish, uninviting your husband too!!! Wow. Please don't go, at all. Explain to others the reason why and they'll make themselves look completely ridiculous.

golden1989 · 18/04/2021 12:34

They’re the ones who should be apologising, as if having a new born isn’t stressful enough.
It’s cruel, nasty and tbh the SIL sounds jealous considering she doesn’t want attention going to a baby, she needs to get a grip & ur brother needs to grow a backbone. It’s not you or your babies fault that there was a global pandemic that postponed the wedding they wanted.

I hope the rest of ur pregnancy goes well, don’t give them a second thought and focus on urself, ur husband and the excitement of ur baby.

saraclara · 18/04/2021 12:35

@emilyfrost

I don’t think they’re doing anything wrong; I wouldn’t have wanted a newborn at my wedding.

By the time you’re “just taking them out” they’ve already caused a disturbance with their fussing.

I don’t see why you are “so upset it is actually hurting”? Confused Why? Because you won’t get to show your newborn off?

I have a newborn myself. It isn’t appropriate to take them to a wedding so it’s best if you decline; it’s just unfortunate timing.

OP said she's hurting at her DH being uninvited.

It's quite stunning that they won't even let him wait outside the church. That takes bride/groomzilla-ing to a whole new level.

BakedTattie · 18/04/2021 12:35

I think you completely need to call out their shitty, awful behaviour. There’s no way I’d not be able to say anything.

Sausageroll67 · 18/04/2021 12:35

“ What is it about weddings that really exercises people’s selfish gland”

Oh maybe the £1000s they are spending on it? Selfish to me is wanting to inflict your kids into social situations when it’s an adult only environment.

twoofusburningmatches · 18/04/2021 12:36

I think your plan to go to the ceremony if you feel up to it is a good one. It doesn’t sound like your brother is the driving force behind these bad choices, so I don’t think it’s worth burning any bridges. And I wouldn’t want to miss my brother’s wedding, even if he was doing wrong to me. I think you are very justified to be upset though.

With your husband’s exclusion, I wonder is it that they didn’t want him there as it might draw attention to the fact they banned their newborn niece/nephew from attending? People are sure to ask after you and the baby and ask where you are, and your husband would have to explain that the baby wasn’t invited. In contrast, without him there, if anyone asks, they can just say you were home with the baby after recently giving birth. So they don’t look like the bad guys.

Livpool · 18/04/2021 12:36

I wouldn't go. It all sounds a bit ridiculous

RandomMess · 18/04/2021 12:37

Actually they can't stop all 3 of you attending the ceremony in the church.

If baby is quiet and you feel up to it I would go and attend the ceremony at the back. Slip in an out.

If baby isn't quiet I would leave DH outside with the baby whilst you slip in and out.

But that is me and I think the ceremony is the most important/best bit.

TheWaif · 18/04/2021 12:37

There's absolutely no way I would go to his wedding.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 18/04/2021 12:38

I think your brother has lost the plot a bit and he will look back on this with absolute regret. Imagine not inviting your own sister (that you get on with) to your wedding because she has a newborn? Crazy behaviour.

I would say to him (not SIL as actually, she doesn't matter here), that you're his sister, you would love to see him get married but that if he really can't agree to any of the several concessions you've made, that you won't be able to attend. I would give him the chance to back down, to allow your husband to attend also - and not ruin your sibling relationship because this nonsense potentially changes it for the the worse, forever.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 18/04/2021 12:39

@OnkasBigMoka

Had a similar situation many years ago. My cousin was getting married and she invited me and my ex wife. At the time our child was about a year old and we didn't have any viable options for child care as it was a really fancy wedding and a two night stay.

Bearing in mind that said cousin was also the godmother to our baby we asked if we could bring him.

She was steadfast that there were no children allowed and no exceptions.

That was the last time I spoke to her. I took it as an affront to her god son that she could not make that exception to enable us to attend and she took it as a personal smite that we wouldn't go.

Not suggesting that will be the outcome for you and I hope that it won't - but I have never looked back or regretted it. I get that weddings are an important day and you'd want everything to be just "so" - but at the expense of family is just not on.

You know that the OP’s situation and yours aren’t remotely similar, don’t know?

There’s a massive difference between asking someone to not bring their one year old to a formal event, and the bride and groom going out of their way to make things difficult for a woman who has recently given birth.

emilyfrost · 18/04/2021 12:39

You again. Always contrary. Always ignored. 😂

@Incywincyspinsters You do realise that by replying to me you aren’t ignoring me, right? 😂 Poor confused little lamb.

DinosApple · 18/04/2021 12:40

Reckon it sounds like none of you are invited OP, there's nothing to decline!

Perhaps they want the space to invite other people, but I'd be pretty cross that my DH was uninvited, how flipping rude!

Incywincyspinsters · 18/04/2021 12:41

@emilyfrost

You again. Always contrary. Always ignored. 😂

@Incywincyspinsters You do realise that by replying to me you aren’t ignoring me, right? 😂 Poor confused little lamb.

You’re quite right, of course. I shall correct my mistake.

You again. Always contrary. Almost always ignored. 😂

Ineedaneasteregg · 18/04/2021 12:41

Absolutely anyone can attend a church ceremony.
If nothing else I would let your brother know that, they can't control who attends the church service.

They are behaving awfully, really awfully.
But I wouldn't engage too much I would simply decline the invite for you and leave them to it.
( In my dreams all three of us would attend the church ceremony though)

Bythemillpond · 18/04/2021 12:42

I think weddings are family occasions. I think if you are joining 2 families together then it doesn’t matter what noise is in the church with babies and toddlers and drunk uncles you invite family. Especially close family. Other wise you start your marriage off with bad feeling.
Judging how marriages go you will probably be invited to his next one.

Angrypregnantlady · 18/04/2021 12:42

If you want to go to the ceremony then go. But be prepared for everyone asking you where your newborn baby is and I wouldn't lie either "oh DH and baby weren't invited, DBro thought they'd detract too much attention."

Happylittlethoughts · 18/04/2021 12:43

I agree with previous posters.
They have lost all perspective on this wedding. Send a Regret we cant attend card and focus on your own wee family and exciting events to come 💞
Dont give them a bloody gift either!

missingeu · 18/04/2021 12:43

Congratulations.

There will always be distractions at weddings, they sometimes make the day more special.. you not being there wish will be a distractions question will be asked etc by aunty's etc.

One off my favorite wedding memories is my neice hijacking our first dance... still makes me giggle, and my MIL photobombing SILs pictures.

I would keep the invite but not confirm, as you don't know how you'd feel near the due date. As for the attitude towards your DH, I'd not anything but it would be not be forgotten.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 18/04/2021 12:43

Why would your husband showing his face for a few minutes at the reception 'be a distraction'? Is he a celebrity? A sportsman?A minor royal?
They're being utterly ridiculous and you'll be doing well if you don't let this seriously damage your relationship. Twonks.

chipsandpeas · 18/04/2021 12:43

@Peanutbutterandbananatoastie

I would play nice and then come down with ‘diarrhoea and vomiting’ on the day. The idea that people being too distracted by a beautiful newborn to give them enough attention is petty and ridiculous. People can be happy for them and you at the same time. Ironically if they insist on this, all anyone will talk about at the wedding, whether you go or not will be ‘where’s the baby?’
screw that, why lie, show they up for the assholes they are
bluestarthread · 18/04/2021 12:44

As you live so near to the church and if you were feeling well, you could pop the baby in the pram and wander over with your DH to wave at everyone as they leave the church.

This. Go and W ish them well as they come out, especially as you live so close.

Dontbeme · 18/04/2021 12:46

DH is no longer invited

Good news OP, your brother and his wife don't think that the married in members of the family count so you can now refuse to invite new SIL to anything going forward, she is not your family, according to her rules she doesn't matter. Good luck with your baby, don't waste another minute thinking about this pair or their wedding. I would however tell your DH about how he is not invited, don't lie to him and leave him in a position where he might discover the truth from someone else.

Mama1980 · 18/04/2021 12:46

Who has families like this, I mean seriously?
Their behaviour is shocking.

Swipe left for the next trending thread