Am I selfish Brother’s Wedding

[HuxleyDog]

Not a day has gone by over the last couple of years when I haven’t thanked my lucky stars that things have worked out for us.
We got married just before the world span off its axis. Our jobs were secure and we decided to try for a baby and this is due at the end of July.
All this is in direct contrast to my brother. He has lost his job and his wedding has been cancelled twice. This wedding has now been rearranged for August, the same venue as previously but fu a weekday. My baby will be either a couple of weeks or a couple of days.
I could tell when I told him on Zoom there was an issue. He came into the garden a week ago and said that the baby wasn’t invited. I was devastated. He spoke about unfortunate timing. My mother told him and future SiL the reality of having a new born and how we can’t be separated and if there were issues the baby would be taken out. My brother apparently looked embarrassed but future SiL said baby would be a distraction from the wedding with aunts and cousins naturally wanting to see him.
Now if you’re with me so far I have come to terms with this. I feel sorry for them because of Covid etc that they’re not getting the wedding they want. I have told my brother that I will come alone to the ceremony all being well and DH will pop into reception to wish them well now here is my AIBU. DH is no longer invited. He was only invited as he is my husband and they don’t want him popping in and causing a distraction. I am so upset it is actually hurting.
There is no backstory. We have all always got on. There has never been any hint of either of them being anything other than down to earth.
Would you be upset? Would you say anything?

They are complete idiots if they think every woman can walk 12 minutes down the road either heavily pregnant or just having given birth. I certainly would not have been able to. I was on crutches and refusing to consider a wheelchair despite having very restricted mobility.

I would definitely have a christening /baby welcoming ceremony in the summer. Invite the whole world and his dog except your SIL. Invite your brother only and when questioned say that you didn't think she'd want to go as she doesn't see you as family.

Actually on further thought, I would invite sil to the christening just rub her nose in it. If she has the brass neck to attend, I'd be telling guests within earshot of her & db that it's lovely to see them since you were uninvited from the wedding. I'm a bit evil so I'd be rubbing my hands in glee at the opportunity to humiliate my brother and wife at every opportunity until the day I die!

You are much nicer and dignified so you shouldn't be taking any advice from me. However, if you need any help in organising the christening do let me know!

Why did they take away your dh invite

I'd be having a christening in that church and guess who wouldn't be jnvited?
In fact if you plan it now you could have it the next day whilst all the extended family are staying.

@Milkywaystars great minds.

They sound like loons. If the church is within walking distance I’d go to the service on my own if you feel up to it, then meet DH in the churchyard to show off your lovely new baby to family after the service (and piss off bridezilla).

I wouldn't do anything that might disrupt their day, but from now on I'd certainly be making sure that the bride is treated as she treats others. I wouldn't refer to her as your Sister in Law as that implies some kind of kinship - I'd be sure to make it clear that she's " just your brother's wife". And I hope she isn't expecting to be called "Auntie" by your child as they grow up, or to be invited to any significant events in their life? I'd call them "Uncle Jack" and "Jill". It's been made clear that your DH is not considered real family so I would reciprocate.

@Oneeyeopen

I'd be having a christening in that church and guess who wouldn't be jnvited? In fact if you plan it now you could have it the next day whilst all the extended family are staying.

I'd do it for when they are back off honeymoon but not invite her in case it's a distraction

If you and your husband don't go and your mum gets asked where you are I hope she has loooads of distracting photos to show people.

I wouldn’t go. Not having the baby there is a shame but somewhat understandable. I’ve also been to a few ceremonies where it was difficult to hear because of the children present and parents who let them be noisy without a thought for the b&g.I don’t think they are being unreasonable given your home is so close.

However, uninviting your DH and essentially forbidding him from the reception like he is nothing to them. That’s a kick in the teeth. For that I’d decline the invite (and definitely explain to your dad why).

You could make this a life time theme, have all the family at Xmas, but tell them they can't bring their (future) child, because you don't want anyone to look at their child, because yours is more important...e

But actually, revenge is living your best life, & they will probably divorce at some not too future date

I wouldn't go.

Excluding a baby that young is tantamount to excluding the mother of that baby almost certainly. Babies that age are totally chaotic and whilst you might possibly be able to get to the ceremony without your baby, you might not. Honestly in the early weeks it is a massive victory just to get dressed so making any firm plans at all is laughable. Anyone who genuinely values you at all would be saying "come for as much or as little as you feel able, whatever you can manage".

Excluding your DH is just vicious, and a kick in the teeth, deliberately so.

Effectively none of you are welcome, given that you as an individual are only welcome to come at all if you put your future SIL's wants ahead of your own baby's needs, with your DH and DC not welcome at all.

They clearly have very little experience of childbirth, a week or 2 after birth I definitely couldn't have done a 12 minute walk easily on my own, I could hardly hobble around the house. So you may well need your DH to drop you off. Still think they are being arseholes about it especially uninviting your DH.

@Oneeyeopen Thank you

Hi I just joined to comment on this, after my first I was so tired and sore! My breasts were sore my milk was coming in, I was bleeding and I was still bloated and looked heavily pregnant, I didn’t leave the house for a good month after giving birth! I would expect them to understand, also you may think now you will be able to just leave your newborn baby with your husband and go to the wedding even for half an hour to an hour but you will be worried, tired, stressed and unable to concentrate you will be so worried that your baby is okay, you will just want to race out and be with them. It doesn’t seem worth the bother of getting all dressed up for such a small amount of time anyway! Don’t stress yourself out you are having a baby which is much more important than a wedding! You need to look after yourself and your baby and if they don’t understand that then they don’t deserve your presence at their wedding!
All the best congratulations!
Maybe they can set up a zoom meeting for you to be able to be watch it 😊 your baby needs you more then your brother needs you at the wedding, if he did he would be doing anything in his power to have you all there as a family!