Am I selfish Brother’s Wedding

[HuxleyDog]

Not a day has gone by over the last couple of years when I haven’t thanked my lucky stars that things have worked out for us.
We got married just before the world span off its axis. Our jobs were secure and we decided to try for a baby and this is due at the end of July.
All this is in direct contrast to my brother. He has lost his job and his wedding has been cancelled twice. This wedding has now been rearranged for August, the same venue as previously but fu a weekday. My baby will be either a couple of weeks or a couple of days.
I could tell when I told him on Zoom there was an issue. He came into the garden a week ago and said that the baby wasn’t invited. I was devastated. He spoke about unfortunate timing. My mother told him and future SiL the reality of having a new born and how we can’t be separated and if there were issues the baby would be taken out. My brother apparently looked embarrassed but future SiL said baby would be a distraction from the wedding with aunts and cousins naturally wanting to see him.
Now if you’re with me so far I have come to terms with this. I feel sorry for them because of Covid etc that they’re not getting the wedding they want. I have told my brother that I will come alone to the ceremony all being well and DH will pop into reception to wish them well now here is my AIBU. DH is no longer invited. He was only invited as he is my husband and they don’t want him popping in and causing a distraction. I am so upset it is actually hurting.
There is no backstory. We have all always got on. There has never been any hint of either of them being anything other than down to earth.
Would you be upset? Would you say anything?

[timeisnotaline]

Please message: Hi db, thanks for chatting the other day. Looks like the timing is just too hard with a newborn, I won’t be able to leave the baby and if baby isn’t born yet I would struggle going to a wedding that pregnant without dh so I just have to bow out. Hope it’s a lovely day.

I’m carefully avoiding any use of the word sorry as I wouldn’t be one bit sorry, and it’s a nice note that makes it clear it’s their policy that is the problem!

[Sittingonabench]

Feel so sad for you in this situation. It has disaster and resentment written all over it. If you go you will be feeling anxious and sad and resentment towards them for excluding your needs completely. It sounds like a typical bridezilla thing of all eyes must be on them and them alone rather than wanting their family to celebrate their union together. If you don’t go then they may resent you but also may feel a bit relieved as then they can say you didn’t want to leave baby and couldn’t come rather than they forced this situation. I would choose not to go - that is the best thing for you and your baby but it is very disappointing.

[Makingnumber2]

I wouldn't go- politely decline saying you won't be able to attend without the baby but totally understand why they don't want the baby there (distractions/crying/numbers whatever) and you want them to have the perfect day. Maybe ask if they plan on live streaming it so you and baby and DH (and other guests who couldn't attend) could join from comfort of living room?

[timeisnotaline]

@rawlikesushi

I can't decide whether I'd decline or whether I'd go just so that I could tell everyone that dp and my baby aren't invited, not even to pop in for half an hour, through watery eyes whilst choking back a sob. Shits.

Or this, very tempting but I’m trying to take the high road for you

[timeisnotaline]

And make sure all relatives /friends know you aren’t gong ‘oh yes I’m sure it will be lovely, not possible for me to go as neither dp or baby are invited so it’s just too hard. Oh I know I was a bit taken aback too but it’s their wedding, let’s not go over it as I might get worked up again.’ Sweet as pie but make sure it comes up with as many people as possible

[MangosteenSoda]

Go to the ceremony if you feel up to it and skip the reception. Let your brother know in advance that this is your plan though.

The behaviour is weird and inexplicable, but if it’s not part of a pattern, I’d put it down to a difficult year of stress and upset and try to move past it. They will probably feel embarrassed about it all in the future.

I’d also send a card and a gift. Given that relations are normally fine, I wouldn’t fall out over it.

[greeneyedlulu]

I wouldn't go, your SIL is presumably the cause of this so let her be the ridiculous bridezilla she wants to be and don't feed the drama. Stay at home and enjoy your baby at home. Congratulations

[Thatwentbadly]

Don’t go. If other relatives mention the wedding say your newborn wasn’t invite and neither would they allow your DH and new born to hang out in the foyer. Your DB and SIL will look like self centred fools but that’s their choice.

[FreakOutFarOut]

I was in a very similar situation (sister in law) with older newborn. I went but I regret it and the resentment I still have has spoiled our relationship. If they cannot accommodate your very basic needs (and your baby's) at such a vulnerable time in your life do they actually want you to come? They aren't acting like it.

[HuxleyDog]

I am overwhelmed by the responses. This is my first post. I so grateful. I can see the church spire from my bedroom window.
I have come to terms with them not wanting the baby and if I am able I will go alone to the ceremony. I know I might feel differently at the time. It’s my husband‘s exclusion that I can’t come to terms with.
Someone previously ( I can’t reference names) suggested my husband waits outside the church. My brother was clear this wasn’t an option as the temptation would be too great for him to come in and my parents ( who are separated) would ask him in. I am gutted by their response about my husband.
There is no backstory. He was an usher at our wedding and has always got on with me and my husband. I am not mentioning anything to my husband about reception and he might not even think about going anyway.
I am so grateful.
DH is due back from his hobby = cycling. I will fit in on mumsnet.
I have no intention of speaking to my mum again or to them about the wedding until they bring it up.

[Lumene]

Depending on how the birth goes you might well still be in hospital or even be giving birth if baby comes early.

[Joinedjustforthispost]

Please post this on Reddit there are similar stories to this and lots of great advice! Yanbu

[Heatherjayne1972]

I agree with everyone else
Your baby and your health are way more important. Besides it’s possible you might still be pregnant and you really shouldn’t be too far away from husband home or hospital that late in pregnancy.

[Lumene]

Sorry of course you won’t be giving birth my maths is all wrong!

[MummBraTheEverLeaking]

A couple of days post birth DD and I were still in hospital as she'd got an infection and was on antibiotics via canular for the week, couldn't have gone to a wedding. A couple of weeks in and I was a exhausted, hormonal crashing milky mess, again couldn't have gone to a wedding.

Also if you're still heavily pregnant there could be a risk of going into labour at the wedding, you'd go off to hospital, people would be chatting about how exciting it was, asking your parents for updates etc. SIL would lose her shit, think you did it on purpose which is obviously batshit but there you go , and cause a massive family rift.

I'd just avoid the stress altogether and just not go at all.

[PoppyWoods]

@An0n0n0n

And to be fair you won't be missing anything, you'll likely be sore, sleeping weird hours around the baby and worrying about the baby being passed around like a parcel. Whilst it's absolutely not his intention the reality of not attending is probably easier than going so don't have any FOMO about this. Enjoy your baby :) xx

This is good measured advice.

[Has2sons]

How sad. I’m sorry you and DH are being treated like this at what should be two happy occasions. I’d politely decline. If relatives ask why you are not going/didn’t go, be truthful. A token card to mark their wedding is all that is needed to mark it. Tbh you probably wouldn’t feel like getting dressed up so this saves the bother. No wardrobe crisis is always a bonus!
They have not thought it through - no way your DM as proud granny will not be getting out her phone at the drop of a hat to show photos of your baby. Make sure she has plenty or print some into a little album that will fit in her handbag.
Unfortunately I think that this will rumble on and affect future relationships. All for one person on one day.
Congratulations on the baby

[DonLewis]

Fuck that. Easier all round to say now that it doesn't work for you, that you hope they have a lovely day, yadada.

I don't get the whole, dh isnt invited bit though. Because of numbers?

[billy1966]

@KinseyWinsey

Wow. Astonishing behaviour.

Your sil doesn't want you there. She's made it really difficult for you to be there.

Just politely decline the invitation. Don't rise to any bait that could cause drama. Be polite. Offer congratulations, gift etc. Be the better person.

Your brother will need you later on in life. Stay in the background, quietly supportive.

This.

Truly appalling behaviour but this is who he is at the moment, perhaps always.

Appalling behaviour.

Don't allow it to take your peace.

He is embarrassing himself dreadfully.
Your mother must be appalled.

Marriage is going to be very challenging for a couple that would be jealous of the attention of a new born.

The mind boggles at such immaturity.

Good luck with the baby.

[EscapeDragon]

Believe me, people will notice that you aren't there and ask why. You and the baby will be the talk of the wedding anyway. Why people get so obsessed with there being a 'distraction' on their big day is beyond me, but there you go.

Maintain a calm and dignified silence, that's my advice.

[ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule]

I'll be honest - I wouldn't go, I'd decline their invitation entirely, and their behaviour over this would irreparably damage my relationship with them. You are not being selfish, they are.

[user1497787065]

I presume by distraction SIL thinks guests may be more impressed by your baby than her.

[Sausageroll67]

I wouldn’t want a newborn at my wedding either, especially one that’s been cancelled twice. However, I do think the exclusion of your husband is very off.

[HazelBite]

Assuming your baby arrives on time or early it is very early days for you to get your act together and attend a wedding.
DS1 was a very easy baby, slept through the night from 10 days old and fed at regular intervals (you could set your clock by him) however 14 days post partum I hadn't even ventured out with the pram. Horrible leaky breasts, painful stitches come to mind.
You really have no idea how you will feel I would tell dear Bro that you have discussed it with your midwife who reckons you should not leave baby when so very young.
No two biths are the same yours could be very staightforward, or very traumatic, its a complete unknown so really you cant commit to going to a wedding on a certain day at a precise time.
Good luck

[bluestarthread]

Surely a wedding is a family celebration, a chance to get together and catch up, meet new family members etc, especially after a year where we have not had the chance to do this. To uninvite you because you are a ‘distraction’ is crass and undignified. I can’t stand the ‘all about me’ trend and would probably tell them that too.