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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I selfish Brother’s Wedding

491 replies

HuxleyDog · 18/04/2021 11:16

Not a day has gone by over the last couple of years when I haven’t thanked my lucky stars that things have worked out for us.
We got married just before the world span off its axis. Our jobs were secure and we decided to try for a baby and this is due at the end of July.
All this is in direct contrast to my brother. He has lost his job and his wedding has been cancelled twice. This wedding has now been rearranged for August, the same venue as previously but fu a weekday. My baby will be either a couple of weeks or a couple of days.
I could tell when I told him on Zoom there was an issue. He came into the garden a week ago and said that the baby wasn’t invited. I was devastated. He spoke about unfortunate timing. My mother told him and future SiL the reality of having a new born and how we can’t be separated and if there were issues the baby would be taken out. My brother apparently looked embarrassed but future SiL said baby would be a distraction from the wedding with aunts and cousins naturally wanting to see him.
Now if you’re with me so far I have come to terms with this. I feel sorry for them because of Covid etc that they’re not getting the wedding they want. I have told my brother that I will come alone to the ceremony all being well and DH will pop into reception to wish them well now here is my AIBU. DH is no longer invited. He was only invited as he is my husband and they don’t want him popping in and causing a distraction. I am so upset it is actually hurting.
There is no backstory. We have all always got on. There has never been any hint of either of them being anything other than down to earth.
Would you be upset? Would you say anything?

OP posts:
KinseyWinsey · 18/04/2021 11:32

Wow. Astonishing behaviour.

Your sil doesn't want you there. She's made it really difficult for you to be there.

Just politely decline the invitation. Don't rise to any bait that could cause drama. Be polite. Offer congratulations, gift etc. Be the better person.

Your brother will need you later on in life. Stay in the background, quietly supportive.

An0n0n0n · 18/04/2021 11:33

And to be fair you won't be missing anything, you'll likely be sore, sleeping weird hours around the baby and worrying about the baby being passed around like a parcel. Whilst it's absolutely not his intention the reality of not attending is probably easier than going so don't have any FOMO about this. Enjoy your baby :) xx

foxyroxyyy · 18/04/2021 11:34

I would refuse point blank to attend

Disfordarkchocolate · 18/04/2021 11:34

I'd be sending my apologies and trying not to hold a grudge.

BabbleBee · 18/04/2021 11:34

It sounds like SIL wants to make sure she’s centre of attention and doesn’t want baby to take away from that.

You’ve tried to compromise, they haven’t. I’d send my apologies and not attend.

TidyDancer · 18/04/2021 11:34

Your SIL is frightened the baby will mean she will no longer be the centre of attention.

I would decline and pull back for a while. What selfish and childish arseholes.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/04/2021 11:35

" My brother apparently looked embarrassed but future SiL said baby would be a distraction from the wedding with aunts and cousins naturally wanting to see him."

Ah, right. She wants to be that centre of attraction, no side-shows allowed, and fuck the man she's marrying, she's the important one.

You're going to have years of problems from her. Well, as many years as it takes before they divorce; I'm not seeing a happy contented marriage coming from this wedding Sad. On the plus side, your mother's on your side and you don't have to spend a fortune on an outfit.

Merryoldgoat · 18/04/2021 11:36

I wouldn’t go. They’re being utterly ridiculous.

TheCraicDealer · 18/04/2021 11:36

I'd just decline at this stage, don't muck about or try to reason with them. But I'd be honest with anyone who asked why I wasn't there.

Elieza · 18/04/2021 11:36

They appear to want to be the centre of attention. Nobody else is allowed to be. God forbid someone has had a very different haircut (auntie Marge turns up with blue permed hair) or something and may steal the show, let alone a yummy baby that nobody can resist!

Perhaps they’ve been failing to conceive themselves so far, or have had to wait as they want to be married first and don’t want reminded of babies. Who knows.

They sound a bit weird and thoughtless. Wish them well and you both decline because you’ve just had the baby. Provides an acceptable reason for your non attendance. Anyone who asks why you two are not there will accept that.

Hopefully you can all laugh about it later. Perhaps the full story will come out in due course.

Lostinthemail · 18/04/2021 11:37

I wouldn’t attend and would try not to be upset.
She is competing with a little baby and wants to be the star of the show. Be there for your brother when he gets back to his senses and divorces her.

paralysedbyinertia · 18/04/2021 11:38

I wouldn't go either. You won't want to leave the baby at that stage anyway, and you might not feel up to it either. And they are treating your dh like shit.

Wish them a lovely day, but tell them politely and firmly that you won't be able to attend due to the "unfortunate timing".

If he questions it, explain that you wouldn't want to put him and his new wife to shame on their wedding day by having to explain to curious relatives why you weren't allowed to bring your new born baby.

Sunnyday321 · 18/04/2021 11:38

Don't go. Would you actually feel happy to be at a wedding at potentially 40+ weeks ?
Or to be very post labour and still at that settling into motherhood stage.

Mistressinthetulips · 18/04/2021 11:38

I suspect they will look back on their behaviour and cringe.

lockdownalli · 18/04/2021 11:39

I agree with PP. Just explain as you don't know when the baby will arrive and how things will be, you will have to decline.

HandfulofDust · 18/04/2021 11:40

If my baby was a few days or even a week old there's no wayI'd be leaving it to go to a wedding. Especially one where I'd be made so incredibly unwelcome. Also if you're a few days PP you'll still probably be bleeding, possibly massively aneamic, sleep deprived and generally not up to getting dressed up. (OK I know some people claim to have got up and competed in the olympic games 2 hours after giving birth but in general you won't be top form).

honeylulu · 18/04/2021 11:40

They are being ridiculous. It sounds like your SIL is leading it and may be jealous of the attention you/your newborn might get at her precious wedding, and your brother is henpecked into parroting her.

This happened to us at my cousins wedding. Cousins bride decided "no children, no exceptions even for a newborn" but have him the task of telling us and was mortified. We could have easily found childcare for our eldest but our daughter was only 4 weeks old. Turned out that there were in fact several children at the wedding including the couple's own baby.

My mum persuaded us to go as there was a relative literally 5 mins down the road who was willing to babysit so we could pop in and out. Of course all our family at the wedding knew I'd just had a baby and asked where she was. I bluntly said if been told I couldn't bring her. They were all rather shocked but I wasn't going to lie to make cowbag bride look better.

PiccallilliCircus · 18/04/2021 11:40

Flowers Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I don't understand why your SiL is so obsessed with "distractions". She's making it as difficult as possible for you to attend. She sounds like a total Bridezilla. Do you normally get on ok?

Brieminewine · 18/04/2021 11:41

I wouldn’t go, hopefully all the family will see how ridiculous and selfish they’re being.

MrsBungle · 18/04/2021 11:41

I’d decline too. I think you were already generous in attending on your own having just given birth. They’ve been very rude to your husband now. Well overboard. I wouldn’t go.

Tiredmum100 · 18/04/2021 11:42

Yanbu. Selfish behaviour on your brothers part and yes I'd be really really hurt of my sibling did this to me!

SpiderinaWingMirror · 18/04/2021 11:43

Higher ground. If its local and possible, go to the ceremony. At the end, leave explaining that happy couple didn't want baby there but you were determined to see him married.

DeclineandFall · 18/04/2021 11:43

Don't go. I really feel for you. They've been dreadful. There's no reason the pair of you couldn't pop into the reception for half an hour with the baby then go.

I had something similar with SIL's wedding when DC1 was only a couple of weeks old. I didn't even like her but it still felt awful being excluded because you had a baby.They made it impossible but then they blamed us for being unreasonable. Be prepared for SIL to turn it into you being difficult.

Fluffycloudland77 · 18/04/2021 11:44

I wouldn’t send a present either, a card will do.

PurpleBiro21 · 18/04/2021 11:46

I wouldn’t go.

I had similar in terms of timing, B&G gave us an open invitation (ie turn up if we can and they’ll squeeze us in, don’t worry if we cannot).

When the time (newborn) came a wedding seemed like a momentous task even with an easy baby and we declined.

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