Am I selfish Brother’s Wedding

[HuxleyDog]

Not a day has gone by over the last couple of years when I haven’t thanked my lucky stars that things have worked out for us.
We got married just before the world span off its axis. Our jobs were secure and we decided to try for a baby and this is due at the end of July.
All this is in direct contrast to my brother. He has lost his job and his wedding has been cancelled twice. This wedding has now been rearranged for August, the same venue as previously but fu a weekday. My baby will be either a couple of weeks or a couple of days.
I could tell when I told him on Zoom there was an issue. He came into the garden a week ago and said that the baby wasn’t invited. I was devastated. He spoke about unfortunate timing. My mother told him and future SiL the reality of having a new born and how we can’t be separated and if there were issues the baby would be taken out. My brother apparently looked embarrassed but future SiL said baby would be a distraction from the wedding with aunts and cousins naturally wanting to see him.
Now if you’re with me so far I have come to terms with this. I feel sorry for them because of Covid etc that they’re not getting the wedding they want. I have told my brother that I will come alone to the ceremony all being well and DH will pop into reception to wish them well now here is my AIBU. DH is no longer invited. He was only invited as he is my husband and they don’t want him popping in and causing a distraction. I am so upset it is actually hurting.
There is no backstory. We have all always got on. There has never been any hint of either of them being anything other than down to earth.
Would you be upset? Would you say anything?

[Dixiechickonhols]

Not buying it’s the they don’t want the ceremony disturbing it smacks of not wanting baby taking spotlight off Bride. If ceremony was issue then surely DH could walk down with you and baby in pram. Wait outside with baby (it’s summer) but be on photos and be right there in case baby needed a feed. 12 mins walk I assume is walking speed not hobbling with stitches or c section. Do not make excuses if you go OP when asked where’s DH and baby. Good luck. Please update after.

[HoppingPavlova]

Excellent news that you live close by. I’d make a big shout out at the time via FB or whatever form will go widest within your family that as you now won’t be able to attend due to imposed logistics if anyone wanted to pop by from the church that you would love to have a wave and hold baby up for first hello. It will be a complete ball-ache for you of course but very much worth it - ‘where’s so and so’, ‘oh, they have just popped down to Huxleydog’s to say hello and meet new addition’. I imagine they will be frothing.

[saraclara]

I really hope that DB and SIL don't spin it as your decision not to go, because of the baby. I'm not generally mean, but in your position I would absolutely make sure that everyone attending whose opinion of me mattered, knows the truth..

[Lollypop701]

Has anyone asked If sil expects to be considered your family once she married? Because your dh obviously isn’t considered family. Honestly I wouldn’t go, I wouldn’t lie about why I wasn’t there but would only comment if asked. Or get mum to askbrother what story he would like you to give to people who ask you why you aren’t there, when he says well it was too much for you, the response is, it isn’t but if you feel a lie is required to cover up why your own sister can’t attend your wedding that’s up to you. Truth will come out anyway

[RampantIvy]

Has anyone asked If sil expects to be considered your family once she married? Because your dh obviously isn’t considered family.

Excellent point @Lollypop701

[itsalifetimesworkfella]

Have your baby but pretend you haven't.

Go looking heavily pregnant and when the vows are being said cry out 'baby Jesus has arrived' and whip baby out from under your dress.

Then say "Now THAT is upstaging".

Then flounce out.

[Monr0e]

I hadn't realised they had specifically said they wouldn't want DH to come along to the reception on his own. I agree that is particularly hurtful for you especially considering your DB was a brother at yours. Unfortunately they have shown their true colours but now you can ammend your expectations accordingly even though it must be painful for you. Is it just you and your brother? Sorry if you've said.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, you can look forward to lots of lovely baby snuggles and letting little one meet his wider family at your convenience. Maybe plan a little gathering when you're feeling up to it and forget to invite db and sil

[Monr0e]

An usher at yours, not a brother 🙈

[Cactus1982]

God they sound truly horrible. I’m pretty easy going, but I don’t think I could forgive this!

[motherrunner]

I would decline. I went to a wedding 3 weeks after my first child was born (she was there!) but I was so miserable. I still ached, I had DD permanently attached to my breast and I just wanted to sleep.

[MotherofTerriers]

Oh OP, I would be so hurt and angry
If you live really close to the church, and relatives who haven't met baby yet are going to the wedding, you could always invite them to pop in for a cup of tea while the photographs are being taken.....and explain that you weren't allowed to even have your lovely baby outside the church

[rwalker]

@Monr0e
I hadn't realised they had specifically said they wouldn't want DH to come along to the reception on his own. I agree that is particularly hurtful for you especially considering your DB was a brother at yours. Unfortunately they have shown their true colours but now you can ammend your expectations accordingly even though it must be painful for you. Is it just you and your brother? Sorry if you've said.



Her DH said he would pop in you ether come or you don't. It's for a few hour and if any emergency did crop up then I'm sure they would expect a no show and be fine . But there's no need to pop in it's a few hours and if you can't commit to that decline .

I'm with them

[Pottedpalm]

@MotherofTerriers

Oh OP, I would be so hurt and angry
If you live really close to the church, and relatives who haven't met baby yet are going to the wedding, you could always invite them to pop in for a cup of tea while the photographs are being taken.....and explain that you weren't allowed to even have your lovely baby outside the church

Why on earth would anyone do that?

[Pemba]

All this weirdness about weddings and the happy couple wanting all eyes on them only ..... It's pathetic IMO. It didn't exist a few decades ago.

Weddings are obviously about people, family, friendship and love, are children not a part of that? And what about tolerance etc., so what if you can hear a little child talking or a baby crying in the background during the ceremony, if it persists or is too loud someone can take them out for a bit. How precious can some couples get?

[lunar1]

I think I'm more upset for you over their attitude to your husband than anything else. I guess you and your parents can exclude your SIL from everything in future, after all, why would she want to be part of anything 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Alsohuman]

Why on earth would anyone do that?

Because it allows the new baby to meet their family. Why on earth wouldn’t anyone?

[Pottedpalm]

@Alsohuman

Why on earth would anyone do that?

Because it allows the new baby to meet their family. Why on earth wouldn’t anyone?

Because I for one couldn’t be bothered leaving a wedding to trot 12 minutes down the road, and back again, to look at a baby.
So much fuss; I’m sure the guests wouldn’t be so concerned about the absence of someone who had just given birth that it was the hot topic of conversation. Why try and stir up more trouble?

[Pottedpalm]

@Pemba

All this weirdness about weddings and the happy couple wanting all eyes on them only ..... It's pathetic IMO. It didn't exist a few decades ago.

Weddings are obviously about people, family, friendship and love, are children not a part of that? And what about tolerance etc., so what if you can hear a little child talking or a baby crying in the background during the ceremony, if it persists or is too loud someone can take them out for a bit. How precious can some couples get?

Trouble is, some people don’t. They think their child should be allowed to cry and interrupt proceedings
Child free weddings are not a new thing, ours was child free decades ago. As was my sister’s, by which time we had 9 month old DTs. They were not invited, and no, I didn’t kick up a fuss’.

[Alsohuman]

Because I for one couldn’t be bothered leaving a wedding to trot 12 minutes down the road, and back again, to look at a baby.

I’d have been delighted to have something to do at the wedding where we spent two hours kicking our heels while the photos were taken.

[LadyGAgain]

They are also massively insulting their invited guests with the suggestion that they would be so easily distracted and consumed by a newborn to the extent that it "ruins their special day". FML. Some people are just so ridiculous.

[PenfoldPenny]

I wouldnt go. If your dh and your baby arent welcome then who is really. Of course a newborn baby would be cooed over and a bit of a distraction but surely most people will be there to coo over the bride and groom, their outfits etc. They need to get a grip.

[Cismyfatarse]

Are they marrying in church? Before God? In which case they are bloody hypocritical if you ask me. Worrying a tiny baby will steal their thunder.

[DungeonKeeper]

I was completely shocked when he said he was only invited as my husband and why would he even want to go? I am so hurt.

That’s just so hurtful and unnecessary.

If it were me this is something I would not forget, and bide my time with...

[Saz432]

It’s totally fine if people want to have a child-free wedding. But you then also have to accept that people with children, especially babies, may not be able to come. Some couples want to have it both ways and they have no idea that it’s just not feasible.

Most of the people I know who had child-free weddings now either cringe about it once they have children, or are the most PFB parents of all.

[lola006]

Forgive me if it’s been said, but OP if you christen the baby at some point make sure to not invite the SIL since she’s clearly not family and just your brother’s wife, why would she want to go anyway?

And I do agree with everyone who has said it on this thread already: your mum is going be asked a lot as to where you (and DH) are, likely causing more of a ~distraction than the baby itself.