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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I selfish Brother’s Wedding

491 replies

HuxleyDog · 18/04/2021 11:16

Not a day has gone by over the last couple of years when I haven’t thanked my lucky stars that things have worked out for us.
We got married just before the world span off its axis. Our jobs were secure and we decided to try for a baby and this is due at the end of July.
All this is in direct contrast to my brother. He has lost his job and his wedding has been cancelled twice. This wedding has now been rearranged for August, the same venue as previously but fu a weekday. My baby will be either a couple of weeks or a couple of days.
I could tell when I told him on Zoom there was an issue. He came into the garden a week ago and said that the baby wasn’t invited. I was devastated. He spoke about unfortunate timing. My mother told him and future SiL the reality of having a new born and how we can’t be separated and if there were issues the baby would be taken out. My brother apparently looked embarrassed but future SiL said baby would be a distraction from the wedding with aunts and cousins naturally wanting to see him.
Now if you’re with me so far I have come to terms with this. I feel sorry for them because of Covid etc that they’re not getting the wedding they want. I have told my brother that I will come alone to the ceremony all being well and DH will pop into reception to wish them well now here is my AIBU. DH is no longer invited. He was only invited as he is my husband and they don’t want him popping in and causing a distraction. I am so upset it is actually hurting.
There is no backstory. We have all always got on. There has never been any hint of either of them being anything other than down to earth.
Would you be upset? Would you say anything?

OP posts:
pictish · 18/04/2021 11:48

Sil will continue to be a berk about this then cringe at the recollection when she has a newborn baby of her own. Make sure you remind her.

GCAcademic · 18/04/2021 11:49

Well, people are going to be asking about the baby anyway, so tell them you'll skip the wedding to ensure that there are no distractions whatsoever and everyone can focus 100% on the bride, as is her wish.

What a pair of idiots.

PurpleBiro21 · 18/04/2021 11:49

And when baby comes, your feelings may surprise you. My baby was 9months odd before I could bear to not be in the same room as them.

No way would I have left my baby. Even now as an arse ache toddler I don’t like being away unnecessarily, even though I’ve always been a social butterfly.

Aprilshowersandhail · 18/04/2021 11:51

All of you stay home with your squishy baby.

Sil/db can deal with people asking about you!

Iwonder08 · 18/04/2021 11:51

Your family is going to have so much fun with the new SIL in future.. Wow, baby is not invited because she will still their limelight. Obviously, politely decline

JackieTheFart · 18/04/2021 11:51

As much as anyone is allowed exactly the wedding they want, they are being precious and ridiculous and if it was my brother I’d tell him so.

I’d genuinely ask him what sort of ‘distraction’ he’s expecting? Like, grannies and aunties come and look at the baby and they forget they’re at a wedding? They forget who the bride is? That a man pops in to give his regards and everyone stops in their tracks?!

Or will it be more distracting when they explain that the sister of the groom isn’t there because they thought a babe in arms would detract attention too much, or his/her father might? Or are they planning to lie to friends and family? Because if they are, they KNOW they are unreason.

What a dipshit honestly.

LH1987 · 18/04/2021 11:51

I wouldn’t go, a couple of weeks after having a baby I wasn’t even able to go for a walk outside. I was so tired, bleeding and recovering from the whole thing.

They are self absorbed idiots! Who is so vain they would worry about a baby upstaging them 😂

RolloTomassi · 18/04/2021 11:52

Absolutely decline. I had a child-free wedding but didn't have any immediate family with tiny babies. In that situation I'd have made the allowance because I'd WANT those people there above all else, so wouldn't put them in a crap position.

To not allow his own sister the "privilege" to attend with a babe in arms, knowing that otherwise you or your husband can't go? It's just mean and awkward beyond any reason. Why put yourself out for anyone who'd treat you so badly?

mumonthehill · 18/04/2021 11:52

The reality is you will not feel like it with a new baby, you may still be bleeding, you boobs will leak if you are breast feeding, you may feel amazing but I do think you will be tired at the least and a wedding will be the last place you want to be. Decline

3peassuit · 18/04/2021 11:52

Don’t go. Send a card and hope they grow up.

Jokie · 18/04/2021 11:53

I'd also decline. I think it's super petty to not invite your DH and I think they're just looking for "distractions".

What has your mum Said to this?

Returnoftheowl · 18/04/2021 11:53

I'd decline the invitation.
I notice that everyone is accepting that is the SIL who is being difficult, but bare in mind your brother has blamed her without her being present. It might not be her.
But no matter which one of you it is it doesn't really matter. They've basically uninvited you both... And shown you that they don't see your husband as part of the family, so there is no reason it treat the brother's new wife as family either.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 18/04/2021 11:54

I love my brother very much and we do have the sort of relationship where we can say 'wtf, have you taken leave of your senses dickhead?' So I would have to say something along the lines of: I get the timing isn't ideal but I can hardly shove the newborn back up there so no-one looks at them, can I? So either we're a package of three or I just can't attend. Either way is fine but you need to have a little think about the fact you're disinviting your sister to your wedding because your wife to be doesn't want anyone to look at the baby. That's incredibly hurtful bro.

I'd say it once, let him make up his own mind, then never mention it again - we're not sulkers or confrontational. But the thing about this sort of behaviour is that she is being selfish and stupid but he is really hurting his sister and he needs to realise that.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 18/04/2021 11:54

Your SIL is frightened the baby will mean she will no longer be the centre of attention.

There's nothing to stop her from randomly crying, throwing up milk and wetting/crapping herself if she really sees a baby as such a threat....

As Mr Cowell would say, it'd be a No from me.

WeatherwaxLives · 18/04/2021 11:54

I think when it comes to it you won't want/be able to go. So I'd decline now.

In the 2 weeks post birth I was bleeding, I'd had stitches so was in pain, I was trying to breastfeed and struggling, so had to take my top and bra off completely each time, was leaking milk, we were sleeping about 2 hrs at a time and awake through the night a lot. There no way I could have dressed up and gone to a wedding. Sat on a probably uncomfortable chair for the meal etc. I just couldn't have.

And I could just about bear to leave DD in another room while I had a wee, there's no way my hormonal/emotional self would have been able to leave her for a full day at a wedding. I'd heard people say the 'I couldn't be apart from baby' thing and sort of rolled my eyes, I trust DP, he loves DD just as much as I do and is just as capable of looking after her. But honestly, those hormones kick in and the thought of leaving her with someone else, even DP, was horrifying. I even got twitchy when DM held her sat right next to me!

It's obviously not inevitable but if she's a baby that won't take a bottle (it happens!) then you won't be able to leave her anyway.

Bythemillpond · 18/04/2021 11:54

Unless they are expecting the reception to be all their guests sitting in silence staring at them then the usual later informal part of the reception no one is going to notice your Dh popping in.

AnotherBoredOne · 18/04/2021 11:55

Don't go. That's awful way to be treated.

MrsClatterbuck · 18/04/2021 11:55

I was at a wedding a few years ago where a couple had brought their newborn. It didn't detract from the bride one iota.

AnotherBoredOne · 18/04/2021 11:56

And as a mum of three you will probably be thankful you don't have to get all dressed up anyway!

RachelRavenRoth · 18/04/2021 11:56

I also wouldnt go.

I didnt leave the house foe two weeks when i gave birth. I fed, napped, ate, fed, napped, fed, ate on repeat. And there was no way my dh wouldnt have been an important part of that.

Id reply, sadly the timings and the realities of life with a newborn mean we will not be able to attend. All the best.

user1477249785 · 18/04/2021 11:57

Aside from anything else, there is NO WAY you will want to get dressed up and go to a wedding two days post partum....

Allwokedup · 18/04/2021 11:59

I wouldn’t actually go at all. This is so hurtful!! She is a bridezilla. Send a gift and let the chips fall where they may.

rawlikesushi · 18/04/2021 11:59

I can't decide whether I'd decline or whether I'd go just so that I could tell everyone that dp and my baby aren't invited, not even to pop in for half an hour, through watery eyes whilst choking back a sob. Shits.

Doghead · 18/04/2021 11:59

I think you're making too much drama over this. "so upset its actually hurting". Really? You're going to have to toughen up fast if you're going to get through motherhood.

Politely decline the invitation and then move on. Life's too short.

milveycrohn · 18/04/2021 12:00

Depending on how far away it is, I would opt to go to the ceremony, (and maybe some photos), but not the reception.
This depends really on how far away it is.
If baby born, then you could probably leave for a short while with DH, to go to the ceremony. It would be more of a problem if the baby is late.