Am I selfish Brother’s Wedding

[HuxleyDog]

Not a day has gone by over the last couple of years when I haven’t thanked my lucky stars that things have worked out for us.
We got married just before the world span off its axis. Our jobs were secure and we decided to try for a baby and this is due at the end of July.
All this is in direct contrast to my brother. He has lost his job and his wedding has been cancelled twice. This wedding has now been rearranged for August, the same venue as previously but fu a weekday. My baby will be either a couple of weeks or a couple of days.
I could tell when I told him on Zoom there was an issue. He came into the garden a week ago and said that the baby wasn’t invited. I was devastated. He spoke about unfortunate timing. My mother told him and future SiL the reality of having a new born and how we can’t be separated and if there were issues the baby would be taken out. My brother apparently looked embarrassed but future SiL said baby would be a distraction from the wedding with aunts and cousins naturally wanting to see him.
Now if you’re with me so far I have come to terms with this. I feel sorry for them because of Covid etc that they’re not getting the wedding they want. I have told my brother that I will come alone to the ceremony all being well and DH will pop into reception to wish them well now here is my AIBU. DH is no longer invited. He was only invited as he is my husband and they don’t want him popping in and causing a distraction. I am so upset it is actually hurting.
There is no backstory. We have all always got on. There has never been any hint of either of them being anything other than down to earth.
Would you be upset? Would you say anything?

Wow. The responses! I definitely wouldn’t do anything petty/in retaliation.

The bride really really doesn’t want a newborn at her wedding. I would try to not take it personally (assume your DH being excluded is because the baby would be with him). If she is a self centred cow, you’re going to have a difficult time going forward regardless. If this is out of character and the result of some personal upset that she might not want to talk about, both her and your brother will appreciate your sensitivity.

Honestly, if I were mad jealous of my soon to be SIL because she had the good fortune to enjoy a pandemic free wedding, stable work and a pregnancy, I don’t think I’d be able to admit it. I wonder if she looks at you and sees the life she expected to have by now. It sounds that the pandemic has been bad to them and the new baby might be the trigger for her.

I would just decline altogether. I would say to your brother that it is upsetting that you can't be together but that was his future wife's choice. Leave it at that

@MrsAvocet 😘

Tell then you understand their reasoning to an extent but you feel it better to decline. Your husband and child not being there will also cause distraction with those same relatives asking why they are not there and how they would love to see photos of baby. They will still ask you all about labour and the baby even if baby is absent. This is family that's what they do.

Your soon to be SIL sounds an absolute twat and I too would be hurt by this attitude - mainly for the fact that Bro is going along with it, either oblivious to the hurt its causing, or just doesnt care. You have tried your best to fit in with their plans and seemingly nothing is good enough, so sod them. Don’t go - it’s too much like hard work so stay at home and just enjoy your new baby, 👶

I wouldn’t even try to be polite about it. If they want their “dream wedding”, they could postpone. I’d simply say “in light of DH and our baby not being welcome, I also will not be attending.”

SIL sounds like a moron and needs to grow up, to be honest. Women are pregnant for 9 months and she just happened to reschedule the wedding to this date, even though they could have waited a few months or until next year? It sounds awfully like she’s jealous of you and want to mark her territory. She knew when you were due and still picked a date close to it.

Don’t go and don’t apologise for not going. This is on her.

Thinking back to my own marriage a long time ago, I remember being really upset that friends who had children/babies decided to leave them at home (mostly because they travelled from mainland Europe to England, so it was easier for them to leave the children behind with grandparents) rather than bring them to our wedding. I'd have loved to have had as many children as possible included - weddings are for families and friends to enjoy all together!

I think I wouldn’t respond at all. Then when chased a couple of times, I would simply say you have not responded as you have no idea if you will be able to attend any of the wedding. You will either be heavily pregnant or have just given birth and are expected to attend without the support of your dh and your newborn baby. Perhaps you could add that you aren’t even sure if you’re welcome under the circumstances.

I hope these idiots look back and cringe.

I wouldn’t go.

Don't go.
Send your apologies now, explaining that there's too many unknowns for you and DH to commit and leave them to it.

It's fine for someone to say they don't want babies/children at their wedding.

It's fine for those with babies/children not to attend as a consequence.

Either go without baby or don't go at all. It's probably not a difficult choice - I don't quite understand the bit about DH being uninvited - how can you not invite someone's husband? But anyway, that would be enough for me not to go. Different if you have to restrict the numbers to eg six. Also different if only a new boyfriend. But if someone is married, they come as a pair.

I think it's crappy of your brother and future SIL to be so precious about being the centre of attention the whole time. During the actual ceremony, fine, but do they really think that your husband popping into the reception will cause that big of a distraction? How ridiculous!

I hope they realise that even without your husband and the baby there, the other guests won't bit sitting/standing facing the Happy Couple every second of the day/night, eyes riveted upon their blessed faces, unable to look away or think of anything else but the glory of their love.

They're being stupid, but unfortunately, that's they're choice. I'd try not to be bitter about it, but I'd remember and wouldn't bend over backwards for them in the near future.

A tiny insight into sort of the other perspective.. although I haven't reacted like your brother and wife to be at all!

I'm the bride in this scenario, we are now on our third date for a wedding. We've had to delay trying to have a baby. My boyfriend's brother's wife is now pregnant and due two months before the wedding.

We had chosen to have a child free wedding due to numbers, location and feel of the day. We've had to change that as obviously don't want to exclude our future niece.

My future parents in law have barely mentioned our wedding, haven't offered to help, haven't asked any questions apart from commenting that the accomodation on site (which is totally optional) is expensive.

However, they can't stop talking about the first grandchild though, and how sweet she'll look at the wedding, what she'll wear etc.

The tiny bridezilla part of me feels a bit uncomfortable about this and sad that they don't seem to care about my boyfriend at all and baby, understandably, is far more important to them.

However like I said we're still inviting BIL and SIl because it would be bizarre not to! And obviously we want them there.

I wouldn't go either.
I agree there's little point in talking to anyone in the family about it - just when it comes to it, say you're sorry but you can't manage it.

Your brother and stbSIL are being wankers about the whole "distraction" thing and I can imagine that some relatives will be very disappointed not to see your new baby! As for not letting your DH have the baby in the car outside, well that's just pathetic.

If they're this self-absorbed now, imagine how bad they're going to be whenever they have their own children! And how everyone must bow to their angelic progeny's every need...

Do what is right for YOU. And if I were you, it would be telling them to stick it if they can't even invite your DH along. Desperately pathetic of them.

Wow

I’ve had 2 weddings cancelled. 3rd hopefully in July

Friends who weren’t preg. Now are

Friends who were preg. Now have a tiny baby

We said family kids only due to space and money

But if my friend needed to bring their baby (she wants to leave with granny) then not a problem

They don’t take up space. Not so I have to feed them 😂

Your brother and sil are total twats !!!

This is horrible @HuxleyDog and I’m so sorry. People go weird about weddings, I’ve seen this happen before and sadly, the bride and groom will almost certainly live to regret it and be embarrassed in a few years time. For what it’s worth, we took our newborn DD1 to a wedding when she was only about 10 days old. It was actually a good laugh. I was in good health, spirits and baby was well behaved (at that stage!) though. Of course you can’t know for sure until the time but I think it might be worth talking to your brother (or getting someone else to) and putting this idea forward. It won’t take focus off the couple. Do you have a diplomatic relation or someone they’re close to who could talk to them/mediate?

I can see why you are upset but it is their day. If they don't want babies there and you can't leave your baby then don't go. My wedding was affected by covid and its such a terrible feeling having to postpone with so many unknowns. You are also effectively having to put your life on hold for a year. I am not saying their actions are nice but I can understand why they just want their special day with no distractions.

Just wish them a lovely day, RSVP to say you are unable to attend and disengage from the situation. They are ridiculous. Enjoy an undisturbed day with your baby and husband. Don't be upset. Detach and ignore.

I didn't go to my sister's wedding, wasn't asked as it a minute wedding & we were in a different continent at the time.

20 odd years on, it's not made a jot of difference to our relationship.

The weirdness about your DH is awkward tho & I'd probably not forget that...

I think you are massively underestimating how difficult it will be to drag get you and baby and DH to the ceremony so that you can go inside to watch while he waits outside with the baby. Unless the ceremony is literally a minute from home you will need to bring the baby in case a nursing is needed. That’s just the way it is in those first days. You are a unit. Asking you to attend without your newborn is so ridiculous I can’t even get to the part about them not inviting your DH.

I would be more upset about the attitude to the baby than your husband. That's said it's a fre country and your husband is more than entitled to stand outside the church with the baby which is exactly what I would do

@HuxleyDog
OP, why are you refusing to say anything to them about it? Are you frightened of your brother or SIL??
At some point you're going to have to let them know what your plan is, so you'll have to pluck up the courage at some point, even if it's just a quick text politely declining the invite 😬

Omg why isnt the baby invited, how odd??? And why cant the husband go?

@LuluJakey1

Just wish them a lovely day, RSVP to say you are unable to attend and disengage from the situation. They are ridiculous. Enjoy an undisturbed day with your baby and husband. Don't be upset. Detach and ignore.

Yes, agree with this, but..... if anyone asks you why you're not going, make sure you tell them!

How weird of them! What does your mum say?