Am I selfish Brother’s Wedding

[HuxleyDog]

Not a day has gone by over the last couple of years when I haven’t thanked my lucky stars that things have worked out for us.
We got married just before the world span off its axis. Our jobs were secure and we decided to try for a baby and this is due at the end of July.
All this is in direct contrast to my brother. He has lost his job and his wedding has been cancelled twice. This wedding has now been rearranged for August, the same venue as previously but fu a weekday. My baby will be either a couple of weeks or a couple of days.
I could tell when I told him on Zoom there was an issue. He came into the garden a week ago and said that the baby wasn’t invited. I was devastated. He spoke about unfortunate timing. My mother told him and future SiL the reality of having a new born and how we can’t be separated and if there were issues the baby would be taken out. My brother apparently looked embarrassed but future SiL said baby would be a distraction from the wedding with aunts and cousins naturally wanting to see him.
Now if you’re with me so far I have come to terms with this. I feel sorry for them because of Covid etc that they’re not getting the wedding they want. I have told my brother that I will come alone to the ceremony all being well and DH will pop into reception to wish them well now here is my AIBU. DH is no longer invited. He was only invited as he is my husband and they don’t want him popping in and causing a distraction. I am so upset it is actually hurting.
There is no backstory. We have all always got on. There has never been any hint of either of them being anything other than down to earth.
Would you be upset? Would you say anything?

This thread is reminding me about how, when I was worrying about labour lasting a long time, my doctor reminded me that labour would probably last at most 24 hours, whereas I would be responsible for and be worried about, the child I had given birth to, for at least 18 years afterwards. The Bridezilla and her fiancé are far more concerned about the 24 hours of their wedding day than they are about the future of their marriage after that day and how long the marriage will last, particularly once the newly-married glow is gone and daily life continues, and clearly don't realise the importance of a good relationship with family members at all times. They are busting a gut to ruin their relationship with the OP and her family and for what? For some illusion of the Bridezilla being "Princess for a Day" and having all eyes on her for those few hours? How childish.

TBH, Going to any wedding with a few day old baby would fill me with dread.
You wont have slept, will have to find a dress you can feel comfortable & feed the baby in, you wont have time to get your hair/nails/face done.
You will worry about baby if you go without it...
Just dont go.
& quietly let it be known SIL doesn't want your family present!
Every one will be asking where you are anyway

Another point is it could be more of a distraction if you aren’t there. If your family know you normally get on and live literally spitting distance from church even with a very young baby it would be extremely odd not there so I’d worry you or baby were ill. Your poor Mum is going to spend day fending off people enquiring after you and baby.

I see your SIL wants to alienate family before she's even started. 🙄. I probably couldn't have been bothered going to a wedding PP, but newborns are the easiest of children to take because they mostly sleep, especially if just fed before the service. Trying to get a 2 year old ( for example), to sit still during a wedding is more of a nightmare. .

Saying that, sounds like you are better off out of it OP. I am a bit shocked at your brother for not insisting that his sister and his BIL are invited , even if you can't make it.

How’s your mum taking it all?

Well... “poor mum” needs to sit son down and explain to him what his supposed future wife is doing and how it’s absolutely ridiculous and how it’s going to be far more distracting that his own sister isn’t there and exactly why.... that nobody will cover up for SIL and HE will be answering questions about it because she’ll direct them to him/the happy couple

Ah fairly similar to my sibling's wedding (arranged after I'd announced my pregnancy)
In the end I didn't even get an actual invitation though. So I ignore that it ever happened. It will be their silver anniversary soon but... Meh.

Just smile and say something about fate & timing and good luck.

It's probably a numbers thing too. If they invite your child they have to invite others. Also the fact that the baby is likely to cry in the middle of it. Can't you say you'll go for the drinks later?

They're making a mistake OP, but unfortunately you can't win in this situation, the best you can do is be the bigger person here.

Just graciously decline 'so sorry to be missing out on your special day, we will be thinking of you and wish you all the best' I'd buy them a lovely gift, get involved in any pre-wedding showers etc. Show an interest in the plans, shopping trips, her dress etc. And not do anything to further upset your own mum.

(Inwardly I'd be seething though!) but take the moral high ground and you'll come out smelling of roses.

I'm guessing it's going to be a long and rocky road with your SIL, and she had no qualms about alienating your DB's family. This is so sad.

No it’s unlikely you’ll feel much like partying a few days after giving birth. Sticky, leaking, sore and tired aren’t good company at a party. I’d not have felt able to leave a tiny baby either.
I’m afraid, unless they change their mind, you will need to decline.
How sad for you all.

They cannot ban anyone from a church. If a tramp wandered in to attend then that is tough luck.

I would definitely get my DH to wait outside with the baby. If baby is that young then you need to be within arms length to ensure baby isn't over stressed (and neither is DH!)

YANBU
A friend of mine organised their wedding 2 years in advance and was v strict on no children. I went but it was a few weeks before giving birth but another friend couldn't go because they had a newborn.
I think newborn babies would be way less distracting than toddlers or preschoolers who would need far more entertaining.
I was going to say maybe if it's a nice day you could be outside the church and see them when they come out.(once they're inside, they cant police, or even know who's outside!)

Karatema going to watch a wedding used to be a thing even if not invited I can remember going with my mum to stand outside local church when both our next door neighbours’ children got married. My grandma used to do same.
Not going to a short service when it’s next to house would be seen as very odd and people will ask. I went to my brothers wedding just released from hospital with a tracheostomy in - stayed for ceremony and meal but not evening do.

We had 12 children at our wedding, ranging in age from 7 weeks to 15 years. 5 of the children were babies under the age of 1. None of them 'stole the spotlight'.

Of course people enjoyed cooing over them, especially me . However, people were also talking about all sorts of stuff not connected directly to our wedding - friend's promotion, someone's new house, someone else's new boyfriend, someone's granddaughter's pregnancy news etc. People catch up at weddings and discuss things other than the B&G.

I suspect OP's absence will cause more of a distraction than her being there with the baby (assuming she felt well enough to go).

@maddy68

It's probably a numbers thing too. If they invite your child they have to invite others. Also the fact that the baby is likely to cry in the middle of it. Can't you say you'll go for the drinks later?

It’s not just a child it’s a newborn baby and has to be with the OP. How likely is it to cry? The newborn at my wedding didn’t, I took my then 4 week old to a wedding and he just slept which is what the baby is highly likely to do. And the OP has said she’ll take it out if it does.

Haven't read the whole thread. They can't actually exclude you from a church wedding, but I absolutely wouldn't go. Sounds like future sil is scared attention will be diverted from her, weddings do strange things to people. They're being ridiculous.

To be fair, churches can exclude people just now depending on Covid restrictions. We have had to book places in church for a while.

I understand not wanting babies/kids at a wedding but super close relatives.. of course. Our niece and nephew were there, they were 2 and 5 at the time.
SIL is a bit much isn’t she

Gosh this is awful!!

All this not wanting anything to distract/detract attention from them!

I'm so sorry - I would be so hurt and actually furious about this!!

Wow! Thats really horrible. To be honest, I would just decline. With it being close to the due date, you don't really know what will happen anyway - baby could come late, you could still be recovering from the birth etc.

Thank you for your contributions. I believe that my brother and SiL are on exactly the same page about both the baby and my DH. The difference between them is my brother would back down because of my parents.
My baby boy will definitely be here and I would never have taken him to the reception as he would be brand new.However I most definitely wanted to be at the ceremony and while I don’t know how I will feel I would move heaven and earth to go to the actual ceremony but with my husband and baby. I was astonished when I was told baby couldn’t come. I think it is more to do with distraction from ceremony rather than them wanting to be the centre of attention.
My mother did try and intervene but they pointed out that I live just 12 minutes walk from church so there will be no need for DH to be outside.
I have come to terms with this and most definitely won’t go against their wishes.
I initially thought all being well DH could join them for the reception (without the baby) (I didn’t even discuss this bit with DH) but I was completely shocked when he said he was only invited as my husband and why would he even want to go? I am so hurt.
Dad doesn’t know any of this yet. Mum thinks nearer the time they will change their minds. I don’t think so and the damage has been done.
A million thanks to those that commented.

I think it is more to do with distraction from ceremony rather than them wanting to be the centre of attention.

I wouldn't find a baby distracting, especially if mum and baby sat at the back of the church near the door and could leave quickly. I just despair at the fragile ego of these bridezillas that they are so worried about minor distractions that can be easily resolved.

You are taking all of this in good grace, and I wish you all the luck with your new baby

I also feel that if your SIL is starting as she means to go on that relations between her and her in-laws are going to be difficult.

I think it's fair enough not to have a baby at the actual ceremony. They have no idea what your tolerance for crying will be - one person might be "straight out" with the first whimper, but another might carry on shushing for 15 minutes - which would be longer than my own ceremony took!
Quiet ceremony and a loud reception, surely?

You sound completely reasonable OP. Best wishes for a smooth rest of pregnancy and easy birth.

Any reason you haven't mentioned it to your dad?