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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I selfish Brother’s Wedding

491 replies

HuxleyDog · 18/04/2021 11:16

Not a day has gone by over the last couple of years when I haven’t thanked my lucky stars that things have worked out for us.
We got married just before the world span off its axis. Our jobs were secure and we decided to try for a baby and this is due at the end of July.
All this is in direct contrast to my brother. He has lost his job and his wedding has been cancelled twice. This wedding has now been rearranged for August, the same venue as previously but fu a weekday. My baby will be either a couple of weeks or a couple of days.
I could tell when I told him on Zoom there was an issue. He came into the garden a week ago and said that the baby wasn’t invited. I was devastated. He spoke about unfortunate timing. My mother told him and future SiL the reality of having a new born and how we can’t be separated and if there were issues the baby would be taken out. My brother apparently looked embarrassed but future SiL said baby would be a distraction from the wedding with aunts and cousins naturally wanting to see him.
Now if you’re with me so far I have come to terms with this. I feel sorry for them because of Covid etc that they’re not getting the wedding they want. I have told my brother that I will come alone to the ceremony all being well and DH will pop into reception to wish them well now here is my AIBU. DH is no longer invited. He was only invited as he is my husband and they don’t want him popping in and causing a distraction. I am so upset it is actually hurting.
There is no backstory. We have all always got on. There has never been any hint of either of them being anything other than down to earth.
Would you be upset? Would you say anything?

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 18/04/2021 19:40

saraclara they can express a preference for him not to but they can’t ban him from walking on public highway or going in a church yard or even into the church. Someone needs to point this out to BIL and SIL to be.

numberoneson · 18/04/2021 19:57

Don't go. And rethink what you expect/want from a relationship with your brother. If any of my relatives had uninvited my husband just because I couldn't go, I'd cut contact forever - what a bloody insult; he's your man, your choice, the father of your brother's niece or nephew ... in other words, family. Why on earth would you actually WANT to leave your newborn baby (and I guarantee you when the time comes, in fact that'll be the last thing you're inclined to do) for a couple of selfish twats?

greenlynx · 18/04/2021 20:08

It’s very strange and rude that they don’t want your DH to come and call him a distraction. Maybe all guests should stay at home otherwise they might accidentally distract your brother and your future SIL and they might do something wrong.

hardboiledeggs · 18/04/2021 20:15

I’d tell him I couldn’t go and wish him luck, sounds like he is going to need it Grin

FireflyRainbow · 18/04/2021 20:18

They don't like you. Don't go.

enjoysun · 18/04/2021 20:19

Don't go. Keep low contact with them all. Then give birth the day before the wedding ( if you can😜🤪) and send them a big telegram for the best man to read out at the reception announcing *drum roll please your happy news!

RiverMeadow · 18/04/2021 20:21

Absolutely don't go. Awful people to expect that of you.

saraclara · 18/04/2021 20:30

@Dixiechickonhols

saraclara they can express a preference for him not to but they can’t ban him from walking on public highway or going in a church yard or even into the church. Someone needs to point this out to BIL and SIL to be.
I know. And yes, they do.
Ofallthethings · 18/04/2021 20:34

This is awful OP , I'm not surprised you're hurting. I wouldn't go. It would be very difficult for you to leave a baby so young, they shouldn't expect this of you and you may be feeling rough and tired and still recovering.
The crux of it is that they view you/baby /DH as an unwanted distraction. They want all eyes on them and no attention on anyone else. This is really self centred and their rough year doesn't excuse it. They think you will steal their thunder which is unfair on you and precious. Put your own needs first OP and don't go. I hope your brother will regret this and make it up to you at some point, but this is cruel of them. Flowers

altlife · 18/04/2021 20:56

Your SIL clearly doesn't want the baby taking attention away from her. But to UN-invite your DH?? Absolutely ridiculous excuses and I wouldn't bother going.

If your brother would rather his sister and her family not attend his wedding than tell his wife to stop being such a bridezilla, let him live with that decision.

CallmeHendricks · 18/04/2021 21:23

I am just staggered that anyone could be so utterly self-absorbed that they would deny the groom's own sister a place at their wedding just in case some of the other guests dared to coo over a small baby instead of giving 100% attention to the bride.
Ridiculous.

Nanny0gg · 18/04/2021 21:57

@wombatgoeswild

I didn't go to my sister's wedding, wasn't asked as it a minute wedding & we were in a different continent at the time.

20 odd years on, it's not made a jot of difference to our relationship.

The weirdness about your DH is awkward tho & I'd probably not forget that...

Hardly the same then, as the OP lives a stone's throw from the church!
Dasher789 · 18/04/2021 23:05

@blondeshavemorefun apologies, I read it wrong. Agree that it doesn't make sense that op cannot go without the baby if happy to go alone.

I could understand why it would be a problem for OP DH to attend for part of the ceremony if the venue are putting restrictions on numbers to account for social distancing. If that's the case obviously they are only going to want people there who can stay for the whole day.

LadyDangerfield · 18/04/2021 23:17

You've tried to accommodate them by suggesting that you both attend different parts of the wedding separately. By rejecting your plan, they're both indirectly telling you that they don't want you at all. Don't go because by not attending, more questions will be asked about your absence. So your silly sil's idea will have back fired on her.

I've found that all those who had child free weddings were offended when their own kids weren't invited to future weddings. In my opinion, if you dish it out then you've got to be prepared to take it. I bet you your SIL will expect her child to take centre stage at future weddings.

TurquoiseDragon · 18/04/2021 23:53

@InsanelyPregnantAndSore

The couples who ban kids from weddings are ALWAYS the ones who whinge and moan the loudest when they’re put in the same situation with their own kids down the line.

I’ve observed this multiple times now both in family and friendship circles. Sam and Ashley felt 100% justified banning kids from their wedding and were livid at anyone ‘trying to ruin their big day’ by complaining... but now they have little Jemima they can’t possibly leave her to go to a family members child free wedding how selfish and inconsiderate of them to not include kids Grin

I was going to say this. Has been my experience that people like this seem to genuinely believe that it's somehow different for them, that any comparison to their own decisions is wrong.

In other words, they want to have their cake and eat it.

But they forget that the reality is that no-one is going to focus solely on the B&G all day. Wedding guests tend to talk among themselves about any and all subjects, they're not going to be spending the day gazing adoringly at the bride. This is especially true if the guests are family who haven't seen each other in a while, which will likely be the case given the past year.

itsalifetimesworkfella · 19/04/2021 00:08

Clearly the SIL is bonkers.

But

What would annoy me the most is my brother and mother/father going along with it too. Them not taking a stance would hurt.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 19/04/2021 00:15

Be petty and go into labour on the same day Grin

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 19/04/2021 00:18

Don't go - I can't believe they're expecting you to leave your baby. Where? In a puddle outside?

RampantIvy · 19/04/2021 06:52

@MolyHolyGuacamole

Be petty and go into labour on the same day Grin
Now, that would seriously piss the bride off and take the attention off her Grin Regular updates with how the labour is progressing would be even better.
clto2021 · 19/04/2021 07:07

Sorry you are going through this. I had a very similar situation to this a few years ago. My ds1 was due 2 weeks before my brothers wedding. I live 100 miles away and there was a possibility I wouldn't be able to come. Throughout the pregnancy my sil was very jealous and felt that my pregnancy was stealing her spotlight. Luckily the baby arrived 2 weeks early and we did attend the wedding. However, everytime a relative cooed over the baby I was made to feel bad for "making it about me!". I personally would not have gone if they said to me that I couldn't bring the baby. Not that soon after giving birth. I'd maybe politely decline to save the drama. Good luck with everything and congratulations x

Clutterbugsmum · 19/04/2021 07:36

The thing is OP is in lose lose situation.

If she goes then family and friends will coo over her new born, if she doesn't go people will discuss her new born.

Either way she will be blamed for taking the spot light from her brother and SIL because of her baby.

I'm not sure what is the right thing to do but I would be making clear to brother/sil and parents that you will not take any blame for any discussions about us and our baby.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 19/04/2021 07:43

I understand people not inviting older babies or children to weddings (though I actually liked having them at ours!) but we are talking about a new born here.

They sound jealous tbh. Don't understand why your husband is not invited to the reception!

I wouldn't bother going. She might come around once she realises how unreasonable she is being!

LadyGAgain · 19/04/2021 07:53

Another Bridezilla. Honestly these divas make me so mad. It's her insecurity. And it's deeply sad and actually, given he is your brother, unforgivable. They are choosing to exclude his sister and their nephew from their wedding. Decisions like this cause life long rifts. I am very sorry for you, and your wider family and congrats on your baby Thanks

LadyGAgain · 19/04/2021 07:57

Sorry I totally missed the bit about your DH. Well that's just very odd. And would seal it for me. Non attendance for you all and let them deal with the fallout. If they haven't learned after two cancelled weddings and this time apart, how important family is then there's no helping them. It's even sadder. So sorry.

LadyGAgain · 19/04/2021 08:00

Oh and newborns do not "steal the spotlight" or whatever other crap is being spouted. We had x3 newborns at ours (plus loads of kids) - 4-6 weeks old. Did people coo over them? Yes. Did it impact our day negatively, of course not. We were thrilled that their parents were prepared to come (100% would have understood if they had chosen not to).