Am I selfish Brother’s Wedding

[HuxleyDog]

Not a day has gone by over the last couple of years when I haven’t thanked my lucky stars that things have worked out for us.
We got married just before the world span off its axis. Our jobs were secure and we decided to try for a baby and this is due at the end of July.
All this is in direct contrast to my brother. He has lost his job and his wedding has been cancelled twice. This wedding has now been rearranged for August, the same venue as previously but fu a weekday. My baby will be either a couple of weeks or a couple of days.
I could tell when I told him on Zoom there was an issue. He came into the garden a week ago and said that the baby wasn’t invited. I was devastated. He spoke about unfortunate timing. My mother told him and future SiL the reality of having a new born and how we can’t be separated and if there were issues the baby would be taken out. My brother apparently looked embarrassed but future SiL said baby would be a distraction from the wedding with aunts and cousins naturally wanting to see him.
Now if you’re with me so far I have come to terms with this. I feel sorry for them because of Covid etc that they’re not getting the wedding they want. I have told my brother that I will come alone to the ceremony all being well and DH will pop into reception to wish them well now here is my AIBU. DH is no longer invited. He was only invited as he is my husband and they don’t want him popping in and causing a distraction. I am so upset it is actually hurting.
There is no backstory. We have all always got on. There has never been any hint of either of them being anything other than down to earth.
Would you be upset? Would you say anything?

Yanbu. I would be upset but wouldn't say anything.

I was in a very similar situation a few years ago. My cousin was getting married and didn't invite my children. I told her I wouldn't be able to go. DS 9 weeks old at the time of the wedding, and I was breastfeeding. She told me my DH was no longer invited and he could watch the DC, and he was just to give DS a bottle. She fell out with me for not going and we haven't spoke in nearly 2 years.

Totally the bride’s prerogative to have a child/baby free wedding.
When she has het own baby she will realise that the majority of people are not that interested; tiny babies are pretty boring and rather messy. People will have a quick look and then carry on with their business. The idea of your baby being a distraction is very unlikely, unless you allowed it to wail during the ceremony.

@1WayOrAnother2

Decline the invitation (since your family has not been invited anyway).

Do stroll past the church with pram and newborn a few times - just so that relations can enjoy a cuddle

I wouldn’t risk a cuddle with a new baby if I was in my wedding finery...

This is awful, and with a baby so young there is no part of you that will want to go. Has anyone else been banned for being a distraction?

I'd be tempted to ask any friends who still have their wedding dress to get dressed up stand around outside the venue, that's a distraction.

The couples who ban kids from weddings are ALWAYS the ones who whinge and moan the loudest when they’re put in the same situation with their own kids down the line.

I’ve observed this multiple times now both in family and friendship circles. Sam and Ashley felt 100% justified banning kids from their wedding and were livid at anyone ‘trying to ruin their big day’ by complaining... but now they have little Jemima they can’t possibly leave her to go to a family members child free wedding how selfish and inconsiderate of them to not include kids

@InsanelyPregnantAndSore

The couples who ban kids from weddings are ALWAYS the ones who whinge and moan the loudest when they’re put in the same situation with their own kids down the line.

I’ve observed this multiple times now both in family and friendship circles. Sam and Ashley felt 100% justified banning kids from their wedding and were livid at anyone ‘trying to ruin their big day’ by complaining... but now they have little Jemima they can’t possibly leave her to go to a family members child free wedding how selfish and inconsiderate of them to not include kids

Does no one ever call them on it? I wouldn't be able to resist doing so, really.

My brother & SIL had a childfree wedding some years ago. We all knew that I wouldn’t go if my son couldn’t (he was older but SEND). So guess what? They wanted me there (bless them) so they made an exception for my son. In fact he witnessed their signatures. I didn’t have to ask. It was obvious that the choice was neither of us or both of us & they chose. I’m afraid I think your family has chosen too. 😢

Surely even if you go by yourself you'll still get some sort of attention, like people asking about baby/asking for photos. I probably wouldn't go, and considering the timings of it all you may not be up for it anyway.
Congratulations!

I also wouldn’t go at all. The bride is scared of being upstaged by her niece. How ridiculous. Also ridiculous to uninvited your husband as he may upstage them by being there only for part of it. Stay home with your new baby and you brother will look back with regret that he has been so ridiculous hopefully.

@GreyhoundG1rl

Oh yeah Ofc I can’t resist.
On multiple occasions I’ve made ‘Well it’s their big day, you remember how you didn’t want kids at your wedding, so I’m sure you understand exactly how they feel’ comments or similar to that effect. However, it’s never met with any sort of ‘fair enough’ it’s always ‘Well we didn’t have kids so we didn’t understand back then but we’ve tried to explain and they won’t listen, they’re being selfish...etc’

No amount of ‘yes but you were exactly the same’ makes a blind bit of difference because the type of couples who ban kids from weddings are, in my experience, totally self absorbed with their own stage of life.

Oh, don’t go.
If you go on your own everybody will ask about your baby and husband and wonder where they are. You would be in such an uncomfortable position.
I’d just decline - that would certainly be a more supportive thing to do for your husband seeing as his invitation has been withdrawn, that’s really awful behaviour!

We had a newborn at our wedding and honestly I never even noticed as I was too caught up in our day. I did obviously chat to my friends and coo over her at one point! It never even occurred to me to get all worked up about it, I was just happy my friends were able to attend.

Bloody weddings. I wouldn't go.

I even forgot my friend brought her baby until she reminded me! I made sure she was on a table near the exit and seated with space next to her for the pram. But I can't actually remember any impact he had on the day. I brought my eldest to a couple of weddings aged under 1. Apart from finding a dress to feed in her presence was nothing more than a passing interest. In fact, as I was still feeding most people left me alone whilst feeding (which she did a lot) so I was very much in the background for the whole day and certainly didn't steal anyone's limelight!

Someone needs a quiet word with brother. Calmly spelling out that he's making it impossible for his sister to attend his wedding, and that uninviting the brother-in-law who invited him to be an usher at his own wedding is also pretty crass.
As for not 'allowing' (which he can't stop) OP's DH from waiting outside the church with the baby and to maybe see the bridal party come out...he needs to be asked if he honestly believes that that is a reasonable demand.

Of course he needs to be asked these questions well away from his fiancee and by someone he likes and respects. Is there a friend? A cousin?

Or otherwise the nuclear option, and instead of being calm and measured, the parents kick off and threaten to refuse to go.

They sound like a pair of dickheads tbh. I would not bother going.

@Dasher789

I can see why you are upset but it is their day. If they don't want babies there and you can't leave your baby then don't go. My wedding was affected by covid and its such a terrible feeling having to postpone with so many unknowns. You are also effectively having to put your life on hold for a year. I am not saying their actions are nice but I can understand why they just want their special day with no distractions.

Op offered to go without her newborn baby and dh pop in but that wasn’t good enough

I’ve had my wedding cancelled twice. This year and last

Would be very happy for family or friends bring a newborn baby if they needed to

It’s his neice or nephew

Say thanks but no thanks
Sounds like jealousy that baby may take away from bride which is silly

It sounds like you SIL is being a Bridezilla "everything has to be about meeeeee" she is going to end up spending the whole day of her wedding stressed out because there WILL be umpteen distractions on the day that take the spotlight away from her for all of 2 seconds.
Honestly OP tell them that you can't go, weddings really do have a habit of bringing out the worst in people.

@Dasher789 what sort of nutcase is worried about a BABY being a distraction from their wedding. If they cry, they go Outside it’s 30 seconds, I just can’t understand that type
Of person.

Just wanted to post in solidarity with @Elsbels - my partner and I are also on our third date for this summer and likely to have to postpone our reception again (will go ahead with a small ceremony) due to limited venue capacity because of social distancing measures. Sorry to hear you’ve also had the stress of rearranging more than once and that your in laws don’t seem to be taking an interest for your partner’s sake.

This is just another example of how COVID has impacted everyone in different ways. Your brother and future sister in law have seen you and your DH have your wedding without any of the restrictions they’ve had to work around and you’re now moving on with your lives while they’ve had a crap time with being made redundant and having to rearrange their wedding twice now, likely at great cost to them at a time they have less money coming in. This doesn’t excuse uninviting your husband and making it so difficult for you to attend but they’re probably sick to death of the whole wedding by this point and wish it was over rather than enjoying the build up and they won’t be thinking straight. I feel like I’m stuck in limbo just waiting for my life to start again so wouldn’t be surprised if they feel the same, it’s really unsettling.

I think it’s a case of bad timing and then some poor decision making/ communication. Have you asked why your DH isn’t invited? Be kind to yourself, go to the church if you can, send a card and gift if not and say nothing else - don’t send your mum with pictures of the baby/ turn up in a white dress/ keep walking past with the pram/ any of the other crazy suggestions on here. As someone else has said relatives will be discussing your absence anyway and that will be enough to make the point.

Someone needs to have a serious word with your brother. Everyone will be asking where you are. It will make him and bride look awful. I certainly wouldn’t have it that they say oh OP wouldn’t come. If it’s in a church then they can’t exclude members of public attending. Do they realise that? I’d both go with baby in pram as it’s so near. For actually ceremony only you go in church (then you can’t be accused of baby disturbing ceremony) and DH can walk around block or sit and wait in church yard.

Also this baby is actually the grooms niece or nephew, op has even accepted baby can't go, then they uninvited her dh.
Why would a baby in the evening be an issue , just sounds to me sil wants all focus on her and a baby may take a little bit of her for the day .

"For actually ceremony only you go in church (then you can’t be accused of baby disturbing ceremony) and DH can walk around block or sit and wait in church yard."

He's not allowed to. That's another of the 'happy couple's rules.

My brother said this to me. He decided the day before that my son suddenly could go along and was always invited (he was 100% not invited when they sent the invites out but I said no)

I was accused of making his day all about me when I said I couldn't go, that I was selfish and showing him up in front of his friends, that the baby would be fine with my in laws who have severe mobility issues - I heard it all then my son was suddenly welcome the night before his big day.

I didn't go and no longer speak to him. My sister is the exact same as my brother and I no longer speak to her either.