Childfree debate - extreme

[ED81]

Might not be the correct section for this....

So my husband and I have spoken and spoken. My mood has been in my boots about my indecision about having children or not. I’ve been very tearful and it’s consumed me over the last 2 months - mainly due to being 40 very soon. I’ve asked him to make the final choice.

He thinks we should be childfree.
My level of indecision was too much and was making me ill. This without doubt has been the hardest debate I’ve had.

I am maternal but that can come in different shapes and forms. Having a child for old age isn’t good enough. Or incase I regret not doing it. We’d not cope with additional needs and that is so unpredictable and a gamble. Obviously lots of screening can happen in pregnancy but not for all conditions such as autism which obviously is a spectrum but can be extreme. My husband is late 40s so apparently the risk increases.

There is no particular reason why we couldn’t have kids. We have good jobs, a nice house and a disposable income but that desire just isn’t there. My husband had said he would if I had wanted but that he has no ambition to be a father. I love and respect him so much for being honest with me. And for potentially doing something that I wanted when he wasn’t keen!

Has anyone else struggled with this choice as much?! I feel a bit mad that it been so difficult at my end.

But looks like we will be childfree. And you know what? We’ll be ok.

@CounsellorTroi. I’ve seen those posts too. Very common in fact.

Well yes, a nephew or niece could be a part-time child, or a friend’s child, who you can take out for treats. That’s the way of having the fun parts without the stress.

@ED81

Ive actually read articles about women opting to not have children in aid of “saving the planet”.

I have considered the situation. In my case I am saving children from dying in some Asylum production movie style apocalypse. Frankly, we know that next gen is fucked. Utterly fucked. It played a role in my decision. And I am not joking now. Not for the planet, more like why make someone to suffer then

O god don't have one! I was so sure about having them and it was a massive shock. Really hard. I even had a second one - managed to convince myself that it would be different. It wasn't*. It can fuck your life right up, and if you aren't sure you want one then seriously don't do it.
*I love them both desperately but I didn't realise the extent I would have to sacrifice myself.

I’m not sure what the answer is. Even during the course of this thread I’ve changed my mind a hundred times.

@ED81

Well it might be the case I do want children and also don’t want children.

Is there such a thing as having a part time child?! That would be perfect.

No? Damn it!

Short term fostering? Of course that comes with its challenges and you will have to go through some training etc. But we definitely need more good foster parents!

That’s fine if that’s your choice- I just don’t understand why you’d choose to share this on a parenting site over anywhere else on the internet?

I would strongly advise you to talk this over with a friend or family member who is closer to you than your DH. List the pros and cons if you like but also examine how you feel as you list each one.

It's impossible to know which you would regret more because you don't know what the eventual outcome would be from each decision. DH and you could have an amazing and long happy marriage and die holding hands in your bed in your 90s. Equally (sorry I'm not trying to upset you) he could die next year in a car accident. You could have kids and it could put a massive strain on your relationship which eventually leads you to being a struggling single parent in your 50s or he could absolutely adore your child and you could be the most amazing family together. Who knows.

So I would suggest that you avoid thinking about it in terms of how it will affect your relationship and think about it in terms of what will make you happy. Truly happy. Picture yourself with a baby. Does your heart soar or does it make you feel scared/sad? Deep down you must know which emotion prevails.

No-one wants the sleepless nights but that short period is a snapshot.

@Bitofanexpert. I look at it as a community site.

I’m very sure not your intention but kinda the last thing I what to hear & has upset me a bit. I realise I’m not part of the mummy “club” but I find the comments on here generally helpful and reassuring.

[quote ED81]**@Bitofanexpert. I look at it as a community site.

I’m very sure not your intention but kinda the last thing I what to hear & has upset me a bit. I realise I’m not part of the mummy “club” but I find the comments on here generally helpful and reassuring.[/quote]
@Bitofanexpert is being ridiculous. Lots of childfree people — and people who don’t have children not by choice — on here, as there should be. Most of the forum has sod all to do with parenting.

@Feelingconfused2020. Thanks, yes will hopefully see friends this weekend.
All my friends say they love motherhood and that I would to but who knows if that is the case. There is so many situations. I bumped into woman yesterday whilst walking the dog. She was with hers. Her baby was away for the day so she could walk her dog and have time alone with her dog like she used to do. Her words. She seemed sad. Which made me think was she longing for her old life. Who knows though.

I’m overthinking it all.

@ED81

Ive actually read articles about women opting to not have children in aid of “saving the planet”.

I'm one of these! The planet is screwed- I couldn't bring a child into the world who will suffer.

It did take me a while to come to terms with my decision though- I felt like a freak, especially when all my friends were having them. It definitely helped me own my own mind- I was just feeling societal pressure and trying to bend my thinking when I couldn't.

I love my life!

I think counselling could help you unlock it all op.

@Bitofanexpert

That’s fine if that’s your choice- I just don’t understand why you’d choose to share this on a parenting site over anywhere else on the internet?

Mumsnet bingo! Lots of people enjoy this site abs most of the topics aren't actually about parenting.

Op- ignore.

@ED81

I’m not sure what the answer is. Even during the course of this thread I’ve changed my mind a hundred times.

Does it help that your DH has made the decision for you now and you know he really doesn't want DC?

So when you are doubting yourself you can be reassured there is no other option as he doesn't want DC

Counselling to come to terms with this like a PP suggested sounds like a great idea.

@NeilBuchananisBanksy and @Garlia. Thanks for you kindness.

I am receiving counselling and am this morning in fact.
Just incredibly overwhelmed by it all at the moment. Have already cried all over my husband and it’s not even 8am. Ffs.

Short term fostering? Of course that comes with its challenges and you will have to go through some training etc. But we definitely need more good foster parents!

I was looking at that for a future. I think we have lots to gove to a child, but I just cannot absolutely imagine some stages (like toilet duties😳 and no sleep) and the fact it's permanent. It's for life. Short term fostering looked really like a great solution for everyone including the child (pre patting our own back here I guess, but I genuinely believe we sould be good temporary parents. Especially DH). Providing solid and safe base at such a confusing point at life for them must be difficult though. But it also must be super rewarding.

@Bitofanexpert

That’s fine if that’s your choice- I just don’t understand why you’d choose to share this on a parenting site over anywhere else on the internet?

Because there is crapload of non parents as well. You can get propsr experiences from both sides here

Absolutely @SchrodingersImmigrant.
fostering is definitely a future option. We’ve already discussed it.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Short term fostering? Of course that comes with its challenges and you will have to go through some training etc. But we definitely need more good foster parents!

I was looking at that for a future. I think we have lots to gove to a child, but I just cannot absolutely imagine some stages (like toilet duties😳 and no sleep) and the fact it's permanent. It's for life. Short term fostering looked really like a great solution for everyone including the child (pre patting our own back here I guess, but I genuinely believe we sould be good temporary parents. Especially DH). Providing solid and safe base at such a confusing point at life for them must be difficult though. But it also must be super rewarding.

Fostering is absolutely crucial, and, done well, it’s a life-changer for the children involved. But it’s a job — a vocation, a difficult and often rewarding one, but still a job — and especially if you do short-term placements, it’s not remotely like having a child.

I mean, obviously it may suit some people better not to have parental responsibility for the child, or to be taking the child for regular contact with their parents, to need to ask permission for certain things, but the only foster placements I’ve ever seen which were in any way like parenting were very longterm ones, where it was clear the child would never return to living with parents but was not considered suitable for adoption, and both foster carers and child knew they were there till the age of 18.

This may sound like a stupid question. To those of you that have had a strong urge to have children, what does that feel like? Is it like a craving? It just interests me because I have never ever had it. Not something inside, an intrinsic need. My struggles have always been in the mind - sort of arguments for and against. There has never been a basic urge.

In my case I stopped taking birth control in late 20s and just waited to see what happened. Nothing happened. Then came the debate in my mind as to whether I should do something about that. IVF, adoption. It was all sort of based around the feeling I should be doing something as opposed to a drive to find a solution.

If I am brutally honest with myself each month when my period arrived my immediate gut feeling was relief.

It took me until my early 40s to find peace with not having children. Absolute peace.

@PostcardofaBeautifulBeach

This may sound like a stupid question. To those of you that have had a strong urge to have children, what does that feel like? Is it like a craving? It just interests me because I have never ever had it. Not something inside, an intrinsic need. My struggles have always been in the mind - sort of arguments for and against. There has never been a basic urge.

In my case I stopped taking birth control in late 20s and just waited to see what happened. Nothing happened. Then came the debate in my mind as to whether I should do something about that. IVF, adoption. It was all sort of based around the feeling I should be doing something as opposed to a drive to find a solution.

If I am brutally honest with myself each month when my period arrived my immediate gut feeling was relief.

It took me until my early 40s to find peace with not having children. Absolute peace.

I didn't have a craving, it was more about working through some sort of list of things I thought I was meant to do in life. I know how bad that sounds. The MOMENT she was born however, that all changed and I knew then that this was a greater love than I could ever have imagined. The second thought was that I wanted another child. I didn't have feelings of love for the first baby during my pregnancy though, was very detached. Just focused on being pregnant and actually rather surprised by the consequences haha

Incredibly rude and defensive posts in answer to my question. No need to say someone’s comment is ridiculous- it really does say a great deal about the arrogance you have regarding your own opinions. As for ‘Mumsnet bingo’- there is nothing original with that particular phrase either.

The reason I asked was with it being a parenting site are you perhaps subconsciously wanting people to tell you to do it? That would be my assumption.

And I am sorry if my comment upset you- I do however think if it did then you are oversensitive regarding this topic. Apologies if that’s sounds like a half-apology!

I think it’s right to be proactive and seek counseling to find out why you have become so upset and slightly obsessive by this. It should be a big decision but not one that gives you this much heartache- crying about it this morning for example is not normal. Sorry if that comes across as blunt or unkind- I just think you are clearly very emotionally invested in this topic for some reason and it will do you good to find out why. Kudos to you seeking help.

**All my friends say they love motherhood and that I would to but who knows if that is the case. There is so many situations. I bumped into woman yesterday whilst walking the dog. She was with hers. Her baby was away for the day so she could walk her dog and have time alone with her dog like she used to do. Her words. She seemed sad. Which made me think was she longing for her old life. Who knows though.

I’m overthinking it all.**

Well yes you are somewhat. Parents have other things going on in their lives besides their DC. She may have had something completely separate going on that she was sad about.

As an example, when DD1 was a toddler, my beloved cat became very ill and I had to make the decision to have her PTS. In other words, it had nothing to do with me being a parent.

Only my take on this, but to me it reads like you would like to try for a baby but the fear of disrupting your happy marriage/set up, especially if you then discovered you didn't love every aspect of being a mother would mean it was your 'fault', hence asking your husband to tell you whether you should or should not go for it. You seem to be reassuring yourself that you'll be happy without a child and I'm sure you will but that isn't really the core of the decision.

Being a parent is hard, exhausting and you wouldn't love every moment and yes you might argue with your husband about tiredness/responsibility/life change but the love/joy a child brings in my opinion can out weigh this and bring a couple closer together, even when it's really tough. Also the baby stage is short lived, you'll get an actual person and the love and pride you might find you have might make you think you never should have worried about it.

(As I said only my take and I have two kids - and a dog - who do now all sleep well, and I enjoy being with them and love my husband more than ever seeing him as a dad)