Page 10 | Childfree debate - extreme

GreenSlide · 19/04/2021 00:34

@Isthereaduckinthehouse

One of mine was extremely clingy. She was permanently hanging around my neck. I would wait until she had become comfortable in an environment and give a prayer of thanks when she finally got off my knee so that maybe I could eat something. Now? I would give anything to feel one of those hugs of utter trust in me. To feel those little arms hanging onto me for dear life. I never lived in the moment or enjoyed much as it happens. I regret not trying to enjoy things now though. I was so serious. The book. Her education. Her nutrition. Blah blah fuck, stress, shit, shit, shit I think that more confident and relaxed parents might get more enjoyment out of being a parent.

Oh this spoke to me. When those little arms go round you the tiredness, the worry about school, all the little botherations of the day just fade away. I'm pregnant with a pre schooler and I'm not usually the soppy type, but I love every hair on his head, the smell of him, the funny things he comes out with. And one day he'll be a big man who comes to visit me, and makes me laugh, and I'll make him cups of tea and press food on him, and maybe one day he'll bring home a child too and we'll be a family all together. That's what life is all about for me and I wouldn't swap it for anything in the world.

Nomnomnamechanger · 19/04/2021 00:46

You've reached 40 without wanting a kid. I think that tells you all you want to know. Im over 40 and have had two kids without ever feeling maternal. First kid was an accident and the second was wanted because I realised the first was actually a good idea and a happy accident. I think in your shoes I would opt to not have kids and would not regret it because I would not know what I had missed

Yes my life is amazing because of these guys I created, but similarly I would have had a life I would have created without them.

Nomnomnamechanger · 19/04/2021 00:52

For some reason I'm in a really good position despite being divorced and yet again separated from a partner after my husband. For some reason I'm in a really good financial position. Most women wouldn't be.

This time I came out on top because I wasn't married. So marriage isn't always best for women. It depends if you're dependent on him or not.

londonscalling · 19/04/2021 01:04

I love my children dearly but they've been hard work as teenagers and have worried the life out of me! I would NEVER be without my kids now but if I was to live my life again I'd give serious thought as to whether I'd make the same choices.

theuncles · 19/04/2021 01:23

Hmm. I'm inclined to agree with a PP who said if you have you think about it, you probably shouldn't do it. There are so many risks and issues, and reasons not to - that really no sane person would consider it unless they really wanted to!

I always knew I wanted kids - one day. The number I wanted dropped from 5 to 3 to 'whatever' as I got older, and I married later in life and am very happy to have two. But I gave up a great career and fun lifestyle - happily, as DH and I both wanted that - but I imagine things could rankle if one or both parents weren't 100% sure? It was a no brainer for us, but could be tricky if one or both parties had doubts....

That said - people have accidents all the time, and end up feeling it was the best thing ever. One (married) friend's Mum told her there was never a 'good' time to have a child so just go ahead.

Sorry - no good advice, just a few thoughts. But I also agree with another PP who said you need to decide. It does tend to be the women who feel most strongly about parenthood, so please make sure you make the right decision for you. Good luck.

Leobynature · 19/04/2021 01:45

**It's not a worse or better life with or without them, it's just different.

I am pro choice; women can have a fulfilling great life without children and no woman should feel the pressure to be a mother. I remained child free until mid 30s and personally my life is better with my daughter in it. Prior to her being born I mainly went shopping, drinking and binged watched TV. Now do a lot more outdoor activities, baking, socialising and teaching her etc. She makes me laugh, she is fun to be with and she gives me purpose . No amount of holidays or money could replace her. That being said she is a happy, healthy and easy child. I have recently had baby number 2 and I hope they are as easy.

Having a child is a huge sacrifice and if you are not committed don’t do it.

Original poster

ED81 · 19/04/2021 05:56

Didn’t expect so many comments. Thank you all.

My mind is definitely mixed up. I’m torn and I wish I wasn’t.

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Garlia · 19/04/2021 07:38

@ED81

Didn’t expect so many comments. Thank you all.

My mind is definitely mixed up. I’m torn and I wish I wasn’t.

If your mind isn't as peace with 'definitely not' then that's really difficult.

How would your DH react if you had another chat and explained your mind isn't at peace with his decision?

Original poster

ED81 · 19/04/2021 07:44

It is really difficult

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TedMullins · 19/04/2021 09:37

What’s making it difficult? On the face of it, the way you described it in your first post was that you’d vaguely thought about having kids but weren’t fussed. You didn’t sound like you actively wanted them. But the more you post, the less convinced you sound about not wanting them.

What is causing the difficulty? Is it fear of missing out? Societal pressure/expectations? The fact that DH made the final decision and not you? The idea of a life without kids not appealing to you?

If you’re happy in your life now and don’t have kids, nothing will change. You’ll continue as you are, still being happy (hopefully), doing things you enjoy and being a family of two. You don’t need to ‘imagine a life without kids’ because you’ve already got it!

Ohnomoreno · 19/04/2021 09:39

I think you've made the right call. It is a gamble and it didn't work out for me.

HareIsland · 19/04/2021 09:42

Is it the fact that so many posters have said 'Don't do it, you sound as if you don't want to', 'You shouldn't if you're that torn' or 'You've left it too late' or 'You can't if he doesn't want to, anyway' that is making you sound actually more torn than when you originally posted? Perhaps because it's making you realise you're less at ease with not having a child than you believed?

Cleverpolly3 · 19/04/2021 09:42

If you are torn then you have to deal with how you feel with your husband

You have hitherto described a marriage where you are happy and feel supported. Didn’t he say it was up to you?

Do you think that he’s giving you too much responsibility in terms of what you decide?

You need to work it out : together.
I have to say though that if you are unsure whether you don’t ever want children that’s a big part of your answer perhaps ?

B33Fr33 · 19/04/2021 10:02

I certainlybwouldnt have a child with someone who will only do it because you want to. If you did go ahead and have children I'd give it three months before the resentment about the change of lifestyle being blamed on you. It's not something you can do with a partner who isn't committed. You can do it alone though. A lot if 40+ women do just that.

Original poster

ED81 · 19/04/2021 10:21

I’d not ever be wanting to do it without him.

Who knew it was so difficult in life.
I may be damned if I do. Damned if I don’t.

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Mistressinthetulips · 19/04/2021 10:47

@ED81

I’d not ever be wanting to do it without him.

Who knew it was so difficult in life.
I may be damned if I do. Damned if I don’t.

Well of course you will be! We all are. There's always the fork in the road we didn't take. Although I had a baby later in life it came with all sorts of problems ttc and I have a concern that you completely come round to the idea of wanting one and then find it doesn't happen. That would be harder than making the decision to never try. But every change comes with a loss and you will be feeling you are finally at a sort of fork in the road I suppose. I wasn't sure when ttc the first time, getting my first negative pg test showed me I was really unhappy not to be pg. I suppose it is been relieved that would have shown me something too! Good luck OP. I'm not sure if there are any right decisions, just your decisions.

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 19/04/2021 11:11

OP - I totally get how you feel. I read this book about a woman deliberating in your exact position. its interesting and I found it helpful

www.amazon.co.uk/Motherhood-Sheila-Heti/dp/1846558379?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

HareIsland · 19/04/2021 11:16

I may be damned if I do. Damned if I don’t.

Or you could think that there are really no wrong answers. My life is no better or worse since I had DS when just shy of 40 -- it was broadly happy and interesting before, now it's differently happy and interesting. But I know that had I chosen not to have DS, or for some reason hadn't been able to conceive, life would have gone on, well, in a different way.

PerveenMistry · 19/04/2021 11:42

@ED81

Might not be the correct section for this....

So my husband and I have spoken and spoken. My mood has been in my boots about my indecision about having children or not. I’ve been very tearful and it’s consumed me over the last 2 months - mainly due to being 40 very soon. I’ve asked him to make the final choice.

He thinks we should be childfree.
My level of indecision was too much and was making me ill. This without doubt has been the hardest debate I’ve had.

I am maternal but that can come in different shapes and forms. Having a child for old age isn’t good enough. Or incase I regret not doing it. We’d not cope with additional needs and that is so unpredictable and a gamble. Obviously lots of screening can happen in pregnancy but not for all conditions such as autism which obviously is a spectrum but can be extreme. My husband is late 40s so apparently the risk increases.

There is no particular reason why we couldn’t have kids. We have good jobs, a nice house and a disposable income but that desire just isn’t there. My husband had said he would if I had wanted but that he has no ambition to be a father. I love and respect him so much for being honest with me. And for potentially doing something that I wanted when he wasn’t keen!

Has anyone else struggled with this choice as much?! I feel a bit mad that it been so difficult at my end.

But looks like we will be childfree. And you know what? We’ll be ok.

I am grateful every day (age 57) that I chose to be childfree. You'll be fine.

Regeisthebest · 19/04/2021 11:54

OP you’ve had lots of great advice on this thread. All I’ll say is, do some deep soul searching to make sure this decision is 100% your own and you are not being influenced by your husband’s wishes. I am sure he is lovely and your marriage sounds wonderful. The thing is though, no-one gets married thinking that they will end up divorced, or that their husband will have an affair and leave them for someone else, or predicts that their husband will die young of cancer or be killed in a car accident.... and yet these things DO happen, and fairly regularly.

So think forwards - if you were no longer with your husband for some reason in the future, would you still be happy that you chose not to have children?

I’m not trying to sway you either way, just trying to get you to separate your true wishes from the influence of your relationship because nothing is guaranteed in life.

Cavagirl · 19/04/2021 12:00

Hey OP, I remember your previous thread.
Still debating here too - things that are helping me:

the reddit fencesitters subreddit
the book The Baby Decision
importantly - realising that, whatever happens, it's a decision either way. For me, certainly, part of my difficulty has been accepting the reality that you are always going to give up something, and this is inevitable. If you have kid(s), you give up the benefits of a childfree life, and gain the benefits of parenting. If you don't have kids, the reverse is true. You can't have both.

I'm realising that delaying the decision is, in part, because I want to keep both doors open and believe that I can do both. I keep thinking it's a shame we don't get two lives (maybe we do!) because either way there will be a path you didn't walk. But far better to have actively decided left or right than just let time run out. (Still work in progress here!)

Applefruitcake · 19/04/2021 12:27

Were you previously feeling indecisive about this topic or have you only felt like this recently? I have noticed that many women in the pre-menopausal stage experience some kind of sudden "baby fever" that they've never felt previously.

Even if you decide you do want children, I would be a bit worried about your relationship with your partner. I'm really not sure how it would work when he has made it clear he doesn't want children. He may end up enjoying his role as a father but what if he doesn't? This could lead to potential resentment on his part. Would you be able to cope with the child on your own? There's a lot to consider for sure.

HowToBringABlushToTheSnow · 19/04/2021 13:05

@Mittens030869

*I have a child, but I would absolutely never own a dog -- far too restrictive for me.*

^Yes, this is true for us, too. Our (adopted) DDs are 12 and 9 and, although DD1 is challenging with SEN, we can take them with us wherever we go. I have 3 cats, who I can leave at home with a cat sitter visiting every day when we go away.

None of that is the case with a dog. My DSis has a dog and I see what a commitment he is for her and her family. I really like him, as I liked their previous dog, but never in a million years would I want to have one! (My DH is allergic anyway so it’s just as well. )

This is true! We have two dogs but were fully prepared for the restrictions they would place on us and we have adapted our lives to fit them in. They have 'grandparents' who come and stay at our house when we go on holiday overseas. We are 'outdoorsy' so they come with us when we are doing activities. They come with us to the pub, we live rurally and most pubs around us are v dog friendly so that's not an issue, and they come with us when we go to friends and family (when welcome of course).

It's also v expensive having dogs! We are holidaying in the UK this year and taking the dogs, one hotel is £50 a night for both dogs! The other has said we have to have a ground floor room so have had to sacrifice our sea view and we have been told no dogs in any of the hotel restaurants! You do become a bit of a second class citizen when you have dogs but to us, they are totally worth it, they are such good company and we really missed them when we holidayed in the Lakes last year, we didn't do anything or go anywhere on that trip that they wouldn't have come along to, it was a shame they didn't get to enjoy it too. But yes, dogs are v limiting if you aren't prepared for it and willing to adapt your lives.

Original poster

ED81 · 19/04/2021 15:18

Yes @Applefruitcake, I’ve always felt stuck with the decision but in my teens I always thought I’d have children and by the age of 21 years old. Hahaha. But that’ was a million years ago!
I’d also be worried about my relationship with my husband and the inpact.

@Cavagirl. I’ve got the baby decision downloaded to my iPad. My brain is so consumed at the moment that I need to take a wee breather from it all though.

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PostcardofaBeautifulBeach · 19/04/2021 15:27

You sound exactly like where I was at your age. Wrestled endlessly over the question. Never had the desire to have children, only a fear that I would regret not having them. That time would run out and I would be full of regrets.

To be honest the opposite is true. I am now in my late forties and totally at peace with the decision. I am glad I don't have children. I suffer from anxiety and I think the worry surrounding children would have had a very negative impact on my mental health and I think it would have also held them back in life.

Everyone's decision is intensely personal. Please don't assume though that you will regret not having them, I certainly haven't.