Childfree debate - extreme

[ED81]

Might not be the correct section for this....

So my husband and I have spoken and spoken. My mood has been in my boots about my indecision about having children or not. I’ve been very tearful and it’s consumed me over the last 2 months - mainly due to being 40 very soon. I’ve asked him to make the final choice.

He thinks we should be childfree.
My level of indecision was too much and was making me ill. This without doubt has been the hardest debate I’ve had.

I am maternal but that can come in different shapes and forms. Having a child for old age isn’t good enough. Or incase I regret not doing it. We’d not cope with additional needs and that is so unpredictable and a gamble. Obviously lots of screening can happen in pregnancy but not for all conditions such as autism which obviously is a spectrum but can be extreme. My husband is late 40s so apparently the risk increases.

There is no particular reason why we couldn’t have kids. We have good jobs, a nice house and a disposable income but that desire just isn’t there. My husband had said he would if I had wanted but that he has no ambition to be a father. I love and respect him so much for being honest with me. And for potentially doing something that I wanted when he wasn’t keen!

Has anyone else struggled with this choice as much?! I feel a bit mad that it been so difficult at my end.

But looks like we will be childfree. And you know what? We’ll be ok.

People always say that you might regret never having children and I think, ok. Maybe I will. And what?

Regret is OK, I have come to terms with the fact that right now it's the right choice for me but in 20 years I might feel differently.

You can't live your life trying to second guess what you might want in the future. On balance not having children is the right thing for me now, and if I regret it in the future, I'll deal with any sadness or other feelings then.

@Jennifer2r

People always say that you might regret never having children and I think, ok. Maybe I will. And what?

Regret is OK, I have come to terms with the fact that right now it's the right choice for me but in 20 years I might feel differently.

You can't live your life trying to second guess what you might want in the future. On balance not having children is the right thing for me now, and if I regret it in the future, I'll deal with any sadness or other feelings then.

Agree with all of this. I think "trust your future self" is very good advice.

I think better to regret not having them than regret having them - the former will only affect your life, the latter would potentially affect your life and those of your regretted offspring.

It’s still a huge gamble if you are not 100% sure about it though

It's a huge gamble even if you are,

I am going with my opinion that it's better to regret not having them because that would affect just me, than regret having them because that would affect them as well. Children know ehen they aren't wnated or loved enough.

Oh xposted there!

To me it sounds like you don’t really want kids but have FOMO.

Don’t have kids because of FOMO.

This last page of replies has been really helpful.
I believe it’s best to regret not having rather that regret having. I know most people seem to say that people don’t regret having and that it’s enhanced or changed their lives.

The Mumsnet boards are full of woman saying they do. It’s almost the taboo and unthinkable thing to say. I certainly wouldn’t judge anyone who said they did regret it though.

You owe nobody an explanation but somehow as women we frequently find ourselves doing just this.

I wanted to write that first before I made the following point just so you know I am I not trying to change your mind or some other shit I will be accused of. I am not.

I do want to say however, that honestly have never met a single person in all 46 years of my life who has genuinely and permanently regretting having their children

I have met women who made their peace with not having them

I have met and know lots of women who always wanted to be mothers and have had several children as they wanted.

I have met and know women whose lives were spent with decades trying and longing who did eventually become mothers

I have met and indeed know women who mever wanted them and never had them

I also know women who didn’t want them and had them and are some of the most wonderful mothers and parents I know

In all of those examples of women with children I have cited there have of course been times they were pushed to breaking point and that includes myself. But the nature of motherhood compels you onwards as it must and does. There is more to life than children. Until you have them......

It’s an aspect of life that presents this conundrum far more frequently in modern life too for educated, sentient women who don’t have blinkers on I also believe.

This is not to say your decision is wrong
How could it be? You know yourself best.
I just hope for you it is a decision that bears fruit do to speak and is not one that comes back to haunt you in anyway. Wish you all the best and hope that you never come to feel the regret you describe as you imagining is more bearable. If that regret never manifests itself you also made the choice that was best for any unborn child in the future.

You only get one life so I think you are brave in questioning and truly thinking about what you want. Good Luck.

@Cleverpolly3. Thank you for that’ post.
I really do value everyone’s input. It’ really is appreciated.

I do want to say however, that honestly have never met a single person in all 46 years of my life who has genuinely and permanently regretting having their children

And I’m also in my 40s yet I know two women who do feel that way.

That must be incredibly difficult and so sad

I could see that perhaps as adults, our children might come to do things that risk those sorts of feelings but as children not them themselves. They are by and large not to blame for any issues that could be said to cause problems or worry. They could cause problems or worry but only regret for the child themselves if say it was limiting curtailing or damaging their little lives otherwise the rest falls to being a parent bad and good

Cleverpolly's experience of "I do want to say however, that honestly have never met a single person in all 46 years of my life who has genuinely and permanently regretting having their children" is no doubt true in her own experience.

However my experience with my own mother is 100% true for me - she actively wanted children (my father had no particular desire) yet it was mum who, through her own choice, was largely absent throughout my childhood. I see her once every 2-3 years nowadays.

Ultimately no number of anecdotes are going to give you any indicator as to how you may or may not react to becoming a parent. Personally I don't think you actually do want a child, you're simply scared of not having one, which isn't the same thing. FWIW I am 46 and child free, I've had the odd fleeting "what if" desire for DC throughout my life but decided on balance I couldn't risk becoming a parent and not coping. I feel sad occasionally but I don't regret it as such.

@DeciduousPerennial

I do want to say however, that honestly have never met a single person in all 46 years of my life who has genuinely and permanently regretting having their children

And I’m also in my 40s yet I know two women who do feel that way.

I know of about three people IRL who feel like that, and several more claim to when mumsnet threads pop up on the matter. It’s very sad and I hope their children don’t know. I’m sure many more mothers don’t feel like that, but it does happen. I’m sure a journalist wrote a book about it a few years ago.

Most women will never admit it out loud.

But there are threads on Mumsnet that say they do regret it.

I’ve never asked anyone I know to be honest!

I know 1 eho openly told me she wished the pill was 100%. Another who keeps doing that "Hahaha, just make sure you keep childfree away from the hell hahahah".
There is obviously a number of women around me doing "so when??? Come on" one did the "clock is ticking once" to me. I don't think she will ever say it to anyone else... It's interesting that the ones who keep asking when will I finally join the club are the ones moaning about motherhood the most.

Most women say they love their children, some admit that even though they love them, they would probably make a difference choice. Hindsight, eh.
Isn't that unconditional love actually biologically programmed so women don't eat their youngs? Or something like that.

Overall, if I don't have the urge, I just wouldn't risk it.Yeah, you could end up pressing on on the programmed love, but you might not. And that's a bloody big risk.

It’s the insta mums thing of moaning about your children, I don’t know anyone who seriously regrets having them, although I’m sure there are some. In any case I wouldn’t look to other people to validate your decision, the only person that matters is you! Perhaps take the pressure off, a few months, a year is not going to make a huge difference in terms of fertility. Your brain processes and works through all sorts of things in your subconscious, stop worrying about the decision, come back to it in 6 months, you may be clearer without being aware of thinking about it

@MyCatHatesEverybody

Cleverpolly's experience of "I do want to say however, that honestly have never met a single person in all 46 years of my life who has genuinely and permanently regretting having their children" is no doubt true in her own experience.

However my experience with my own mother is 100% true for me - she actively wanted children (my father had no particular desire) yet it was mum who, through her own choice, was largely absent throughout my childhood. I see her once every 2-3 years nowadays.

Ultimately no number of anecdotes are going to give you any indicator as to how you may or may not react to becoming a parent. Personally I don't think you actually do want a child, you're simply scared of not having one, which isn't the same thing. FWIW I am 46 and child free, I've had the odd fleeting "what if" desire for DC throughout my life but decided on balance I couldn't risk becoming a parent and not coping. I feel sad occasionally but I don't regret it as such.

Again I don’t disagree.

I wasn’t claiming to speak for anyone else or pretend this sort of thing doesn’t exist that would be ridiculous. If I’m going to get every third poster quoting me for sharing that I’m going to stop explaining!

I’m sorry that you had those experiences with your mother.

as I said we don’t need to justify our feelings isn’t this regard the worst thing would be children growing up feeling that they were a decision their parents regretted

I think there might be a difference in childree/mother status when talking about regret etc.
I can imagine it would be oretty scary to tell another mother something like wishing you didn't have kids, even though you love them. In that case, childfree person might be the one the mother feels like may open up to more? Maybe? Maybe not.
So maybe, if that's right, that's why childfree people may know more women saying things like that.

Choose peace with this decision. So, so many women say if they knew what it was like, they wouldn't have had any, and I am one of those. I am in total admiration of couples who are child free. The environmental problems are so huge and you are amazing for not contributing to this by the impact of having children. Why not sponsor a particular child as they grow up in a developing country? You can choose a charity that does this where you can write to the child, send gifts etc. I think that is a fantastic alternative and incredibly meaningful and valuable.

Good suggestion in previous post and there are loads of volunteering options which involve helping kids for as little or as long a time commitment as you would like.

I have seen loads of people say on Mumsnet that if they could have their time again, knowing what they know now they would not have children.

The planet is utterly fucked, you’re doing the right thing op. I have two children and still have a strong urge to extend my family. I’m currently training to be a respite carer and will consider adoption of a disabled child when mine are bigger. I know I will fight the instinct to have more till the menopause but it’s the right thing to do as the planet can’t cope with more children

Well it might be the case I do want children and also don’t want children.

Is there such a thing as having a part time child?! That would be perfect.

No? Damn it!

Ive actually read articles about women opting to not have children in aid of “saving the planet”.