Excluding Stepsibling from birthday celebrations

[AlfieMoonhead]

Situation is my DH and I have a DD each from previous relationships a year apart in age. We’ve been together 6 years, lived together for 2 years and married for 1.

The girls generally get on really well, there were a few teething problems right at the start but that was over 4 years ago now. This was supposed to be our weekend with SD but her mum arranged a birthday party for her without asking if it was ok and basically just told us she was having her back today. No problem, we’re happy she’s having a party but annoyed because we’d arranged to do something ourselves today but we’ve had to postpone until tomorrow.

The problem is SD has invited her friends, cousins and excluded my DD. It is a deliberate exclusion as she’s the friends she’s invited are their mutual friends so it feels very personal to my DD and she’s understandably upset.

I’m aware she doesn’t have to invite my DD, it’s her party etc but she is also the child who cries and has tantrums if she’s not included in absolutely everything my DD does. Last weekend for example, my DD went for a picnic with her friend and the park across the road from our house and she posted on her private TikTok account a silly video of her and her friend dancing in the park and eating ice creams. SD literally harassed my DD for the whole weekend about it via text until her dad had to step in and ask her to stop.

Our friends bought a new farm and we popped over to see their horses (literally 30 mins tops) and drop off a card. SD found out and went ballistic to the point her mum dropped her off whilst we were there.

We (as in my DD and I) go out of our way to include her in everything and be kind but it seems to have backfired because now she acts like she is entitled to do everything we do but at the same time not include my DD in things and enjoy excluding her. The party is just the latest thing.

I’m not sure how to approach this. My DD is hurt and is in her words “feeling used” by SD as she’s happy to hang out in her room, wants free reign over my DD’s things / clothes, wants to do fun things with us if we’re going out for the day but it feels as though she’s only happy to hang out with my DD if she feels my DD is getting more than her or it’s the best offer she’s had for that day.

For context they’re 11 & 12.

What would you do in this situation?

[quote AlfieMoonhead]@JustLyra when I took my DD to Starbucks last night he apparently had strong words with her about being kind and said she was out of order.
I wasn’t there so I’m not exactly sure what was said but it hasn’t stopped SD gloating this morning. I’ve sent DD out with her friend to the park, SD tried to tag along but DH made her stay behind to sort some things out before her mum picks her up.

Also I paid a small fortune for a beautiful balloon decoration for SD who has now declared “My mum said I have to take this for the party”.[/quote]
So what did DH say when she was gloating this morning?

I would stop spoiling her with stuff while she's behaving like such a little brat.

Why didn't you say NO SD the balloon decoration is for tomorrow. If your mum wants one, she'll need to go and buy one.

As SD has her own room at your house I'd be telling her in NO uncertain terms that DD's room is PRIVATE as hers is and DD's things are hers not SD's. end if, be firm. They're 11/12 not 3/4.

SD's 'what's mine is mine & what's yours is mine' needs stamping out.

Does your DD have have to share her Dad with other kids?

What’s your hobby op ,that you and your daughter regularly go off and do alone ,
If you haven’t got one
Make one up
Then go and sit in Starbucks and eat cake together

You need to scale back on including her and let your DD have space from her, I think.

She’s hitting puberty and figuring out how to hurt people by excluding them. I do think it’s normal behaviour for this age but also think that the natural consequences (being excluded herself) which is what would happen in normal circumstances are fine. The kids may grow apart during this period but hopefully get closer again. I would facilitate it to an extent and not react to tantrums but be aware of the power imbalance you hold and don’t abuse that (I.e don’t take your dd on expensive days out and exclude sd). It will work out but these will be the turbulent years starting I imagine.

I don't think your dd did anything wrong by posting her picnic video but there are adults on here who get upset when they see their friends socialising with others on social media. Your dd obviously has a life on the days that she doesn't see her step sister but this is an important social media lesson but maybe it's time to stop the girls following each other to reduce stress?

Your dd has every right to have picnics etc but if the "evidence" upsets SD then it's being seen as mean behaviour iyswim

If her mum wanted a balloon she should have bought one.

If kids think it's okay to exclude like this, then they should be prepared to have the same treatment right back at them.

It’s her age, they don’t want to hang out with siblings anymore. Is one of them in primary and one in secondary? Whilst they’re close in age the SD is at a different stage. Honestly I think you need to try and have as little overlap in them being with you as possible. It’s a very difficult situation being thrust together and there will be resentment about always being expected to invite the step sibling. It happens with siblings too, I’d recommend as much seperate time as possible, the stage will pass in 2 or 3 years

What a nightmare. I feel for you OP.

DSS DM will have a huge hand in creating this whole mess.

A normal DM would ensure harmony in this situation and have invited your DD to prevent animosity between them both.

Be the bigger person - explain this to your DD and ensure that at your end at least life is more transparent and open

@LaceyBetty

Does your DD love with you full time and your DSD come for visits? If so, it could be a matter of feeling a bit jealous that your DD sees your DH more that DSD sees him, her own father. That probably would have bothered me at 12 if my dad had a stepdaughter my age living with him full time when I visited EOW.

Yeah, that would be tough on a kid.

DSD is feeling jealous about your DD and her dad which is totally understandable. It's up to her parents to make sure she invites your DD, and she should, but being 12 she doesn't see that. Your DH needs to step up.

@AlfieMoonhead

No it was definitely SD *@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS* because SD last night took great pleasure in going into detail about how amazing her party was going to be and all the things they were going to do. Whilst my DD sat there crestfallen.

I took my DD out to get a Starbucks afterwards so we could get out of the house for a bit because I could see DD wanted to cry but wouldn’t in front of SD. As soon as we got into the car she burst into tears.

You can't change SD's behavior but you can coach your daughter not to care so much.

Help her see the pettiness and to know that throughout life not everyone is going to like her.

I think the girls need a little talking to about their behaviour. Not your daughter really, she only needs to be told to take no notice of the SD'S childish ways. The other girl should not be having tantrums at her age, and is obviously spoilt.
She may well be a bit jealous of your daughter, with being on the outside of things now, making her wan't to push in all the time, and then acts the way she does.

@Notaroadrunner

Has your Dh not said something? I'd be livid if there were mutual friends invited and not your dd. Your SD does not get to pick and choose when she wants to hang out with your dd and then drop her when is suits. From now on you organise whatever you want for your dd and don't even factor SD in unless it's her contact time. Perhaps it would be an idea to stop the girls messaging each other for a while so that little madam SD doesn't have the opportunity to harass your dd. And stop them seeing each other's SM posts. If she cannot see what dd is up to on tic toc or other SM then she won't need to know about it. How did she even know you were at the farm to see the horses?

Agree, stop the messaging.

Definitely let your DD have a party of her own choosing.
Maybe a little family tea with the both of them. If any fuss is made by SD it's a simple well you chose who came to your party and DD can choose who comes to hers and leave it at that.

It's not being unfair on SD, it's a shame that she wished to exclude but time she learnt it goes both ways if you behave like that!

@SarahBellam

I presume you DSD found out about the visit to the farm because one of you posted it on Social Media. Do you really need to advertise your whereabouts so much? I’m not saying you should keep things from her, but you must realise that posting things all over SM must make her feel excluded in the same way that your daughter feels excluded now. I think it’s important that your DSD feels part of her fathers life and your family life together, but he should be taking the lead in all this, and perhaps it’s time to encourage the girls to be a bit more independent from each other.

Very good points.

I agree with those who said this kind of thing isn't unusual in this age group, but I also think it requires firm guidance and modelling from parents.

I'd be telling your daughter that it is ok to not be invited sometimes - we all have to get used to that, really. But your step-daughter needs to be told firmly that she does not get to whine and manipulate when she is in a similar situation, that she needs to respect other people's things and spaces, and that gloating about things in front of others who aren't included is not on.

It also might be worth suggesting that your daughter be less active on social media, it's not a bad lesson that it can create social problems to post all the time about what you are doing with others. The amount of FOMO it creates in young girls can be significant.

It might be coming from the DSD but it may be that her mother is backing her to the hilt over the situation.

I think changing your DD's party to a weekend that your DSD isn't there is a good idea. It's a real shame that DSD has decided to create this unnecessary divide - I get the feeling that she's punishing your DD for the picnic in the park - but it can't be allowed to carry on or things will just get worse as they get older.

I think it would be an excellent plan to try and encourage DD to make other friends who aren't in that group of 6 - she needs to branch out away from that group.

@emilyfrost

Your DD and DSD should not have TikTok; they are far too young. They shouldn’t be browsing it for a start, let alone posting anything on it.

You do realise you can’t control what they can see, right? It works off algorithms so they generally see the same thing ie. dance/cat videos but they also throw in random content and a lot of it is dangerous/violent/inappropriate.

Forget the party. The bigger issue here is that your DD and DSD need protecting online.

I thought they seemed a bit young too. Most of my friends don't provide phones to kids under 14.

I would take a step back and don’t worry about including her in things anymore.
She sounds like a spoilt, entitled little madam. Don’t pander to her behaviour as she’ll just get worse. Leave her dad to deal with her tantrums.
Absolutely move your daughter’s birthday to when she’s not there.

DSD is feeling jealous about your DD and her dad which is totally understandable
Honestly, I don’t think it is this because it’s usually things my DD and I have done alone that she licks off about. For example SD could come to ours and see DD has something new, nothing big but say a new notebook and SD will say “where did you get that?”
My DD will reply “Oh my mum and I went to Sainsbury’s and she bought it for me” and SD will sulk and accuse me of leaving her out. Which in turn sometimes leads to DH’s ex gf then sending angry messages accusing me of treating SD unfairly.
Or if she finds out DD and I went for lunch or a bike ride, same thing happens. She’s fully aware DH isn’t there so I don’t think it’s anything to do when him.

I’m very mindful and conscientious. I try to include SD in most things and bend over backwards to be kind to her.

I don’t much feel like doing it anymore to be honest.

SD's 'what's mine is mine & what's yours is mine' needs stamping out
I really do think this sums up her attitude.

The problem is that she doesn’t get to pick and choose when to hang out with your daughter because they are step siblings and not friends. Friends and siblings are totally different and a totally different relationship. I’m not sure how they have mutual friends, are they actually in the same class together? As a parent of siblings you have to allow them to exclude their sibling from gatherings of their friends, they don’t always want to be together, they don’t always like each other, they’re not the same age and it does not enhance the relationship. I think you need to think of them as siblings rather than as friends. The same for your daughter that there shouldn’t be an expectation that SD tags along with friend meetings and parties. Family time is different. If one is primary and one secondary that’s an enormous difference developmentally. The relationship between sisters is difficult, I’d just accept that the early teens is probably going to bring conflict

@PerveenMistry OP said DSD’s dad told her they had nipped out to give a welcome to your new home card, with regards the farm trip.

And to be honest why shouldn’t an 11 year old post tiktoks with her friends. Does the no social media rule apply to DSD too?

OP I’d remove DSD from yours and DD’s social media and keep your social media completely secure so only friends can view it.

Arrange your lives to suit you and if it’s suitable for DSD to be invited than do so. But I wouldn’t be going out of my way to ensure she is invited to everything.

And I’d knock the inviting EXW & her DC who aren’t your DH’s, on the head. Occasional cross overs fine but not every single time.

And stop being so soft on DSD, tell her she can take the balloons tomorrow after your party. You’re fine with her keeping them thereafter (if you are). If you paid for the decorations an 11 year doesn’t get to tell you what she doing with your things.

@AlfieMoonhead

DSD is feeling jealous about your DD and her dad which is totally understandable Honestly, I don’t think it is this because it’s usually things my DD and I have done alone that she licks off about. For example SD could come to ours and see DD has something new, nothing big but say a new notebook and SD will say “where did you get that?” My DD will reply “Oh my mum and I went to Sainsbury’s and she bought it for me” and SD will sulk and accuse me of leaving her out. Which in turn sometimes leads to DH’s ex gf then sending angry messages accusing me of treating SD unfairly. Or if she finds out DD and I went for lunch or a bike ride, same thing happens. She’s fully aware DH isn’t there so I don’t think it’s anything to do when him.

I’m very mindful and conscientious. I try to include SD in most things and bend over backwards to be kind to her.

I don’t much feel like doing it anymore to be honest.

SD's 'what's mine is mine & what's yours is mine' needs stamping out
I really do think this sums up her attitude.

Does her mum do stuff with her?

She’s jealous of your DD. If it’s not her dad then it’s possibly her mum

"I’m tempted to rearrange our plans for my DD’s birthday to the weekend SD isn’t with us."
I agree with this.

If it's okay for the ex to state, "sd doesnt want her there" then it's okay for your daughter to do the same surely!! Let your daughter have her party without ss there. Show her you have her back too.

I don’t have DSD on any of my social media anyways and the only social media my DD has is TikTok.