Excluding Stepsibling from birthday celebrations

[AlfieMoonhead]

Situation is my DH and I have a DD each from previous relationships a year apart in age. We’ve been together 6 years, lived together for 2 years and married for 1.

The girls generally get on really well, there were a few teething problems right at the start but that was over 4 years ago now. This was supposed to be our weekend with SD but her mum arranged a birthday party for her without asking if it was ok and basically just told us she was having her back today. No problem, we’re happy she’s having a party but annoyed because we’d arranged to do something ourselves today but we’ve had to postpone until tomorrow.

The problem is SD has invited her friends, cousins and excluded my DD. It is a deliberate exclusion as she’s the friends she’s invited are their mutual friends so it feels very personal to my DD and she’s understandably upset.

I’m aware she doesn’t have to invite my DD, it’s her party etc but she is also the child who cries and has tantrums if she’s not included in absolutely everything my DD does. Last weekend for example, my DD went for a picnic with her friend and the park across the road from our house and she posted on her private TikTok account a silly video of her and her friend dancing in the park and eating ice creams. SD literally harassed my DD for the whole weekend about it via text until her dad had to step in and ask her to stop.

Our friends bought a new farm and we popped over to see their horses (literally 30 mins tops) and drop off a card. SD found out and went ballistic to the point her mum dropped her off whilst we were there.

We (as in my DD and I) go out of our way to include her in everything and be kind but it seems to have backfired because now she acts like she is entitled to do everything we do but at the same time not include my DD in things and enjoy excluding her. The party is just the latest thing.

I’m not sure how to approach this. My DD is hurt and is in her words “feeling used” by SD as she’s happy to hang out in her room, wants free reign over my DD’s things / clothes, wants to do fun things with us if we’re going out for the day but it feels as though she’s only happy to hang out with my DD if she feels my DD is getting more than her or it’s the best offer she’s had for that day.

For context they’re 11 & 12.

What would you do in this situation?

Actually I think the post on here about the dangers of allowing casual access to both parents houses is very pertinent. Especially as SD is going through a manipulative stage.

It would be better for SD’s own safety to put in boundaries and have clear contact days.

Both parents should know exactly where their child is. Not assume she’s at the others house because she has keys.

And no an 11 year older with on boundaries should not have free access to her SS house and bedroom when everyone’s out.

SS had a primary residence it is not her dads home.

[quote AlfieMoonhead]@Butchyrestingface she phoned her dad whilst we were there[/quote]
Then your DH shouldn't have told her where you were.

@Happycat1212

Yep, it’s very weird. 2 years of occasionally living under the same roof doesn’t make them sisters. If their parents split up, they’d go back to being strangers.

It’s very weird! I’m a single parent and I’m just imagining now meeting a new partner and him being a single dad, how does that make our children brother and sister 🤦‍♀️ And no doubt the children won’t feel like brother and sister either. If my ex met a new partner who had a child it wouldn’t even occur to me to invite that child to my children’s birthday parties 😕 it doesn’t even sound like they like each other very much!

It's only because the girls going to the party are mutual friends, so it's more leaving out just one of the group rather than inviting a 'sister'.

If it was the SD's schoolfriends invited I doubt it would be an issue
(except SD would still expect to be invited to OP's daughter's party even if she didn't know the other kids)

SD sounds annoying. Don't make DD include her next time. My actually full blood 1 year younger than me sister was never included in my things. As she was bloody annoying.

My step kids have not once been included in my sons things. They are not siblings.

Well dsd has chosen a new direction... they don’t have to include each other. Dh needs to manage his Dd expectations moving forward... and stop her showing up to things/kicking off when ‘excluded’. Dsd can choose who she has at her part, so can dd. Dsd gets stuff bought for her by her DM, so does your dd. Basically dsd needs to be parented to stop this behaviour, and very quickly. You need to make sure it happens , just as you would if they were siblings living together full time

I don't know why I kept this story in mind those days, maybe because I have a daughter of similar age and it would be so sad for me to put up with these disregard for her feelings. And the awful mother. Is there any news @AlfieMoonhead? I hope your daughter had had a very happy birthday party without her mean stepsister

Me too.

I have thought about the OP

She was really just another woman, juggling it all, trying to keep everyone happy.

Women do this in our lives and then something makes us want to re evaluate how things are working.

Op's child was a huge loser in all off this.

If we never hear from her again I think she will have taken the posts on board.

She's a good woman and she loves her daughter.

SS had a primary residence it is not her dads home.
This in spades.