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AIBU?

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Original poster

Excluding Stepsibling from birthday celebrations

384 replies

AlfieMoonhead · 17/04/2021 11:41

Situation is my DH and I have a DD each from previous relationships a year apart in age. We’ve been together 6 years, lived together for 2 years and married for 1.

The girls generally get on really well, there were a few teething problems right at the start but that was over 4 years ago now. This was supposed to be our weekend with SD but her mum arranged a birthday party for her without asking if it was ok and basically just told us she was having her back today. No problem, we’re happy she’s having a party but annoyed because we’d arranged to do something ourselves today but we’ve had to postpone until tomorrow.

The problem is SD has invited her friends, cousins and excluded my DD. It is a deliberate exclusion as she’s the friends she’s invited are their mutual friends so it feels very personal to my DD and she’s understandably upset.

I’m aware she doesn’t have to invite my DD, it’s her party etc but she is also the child who cries and has tantrums if she’s not included in absolutely everything my DD does. Last weekend for example, my DD went for a picnic with her friend and the park across the road from our house and she posted on her private TikTok account a silly video of her and her friend dancing in the park and eating ice creams. SD literally harassed my DD for the whole weekend about it via text until her dad had to step in and ask her to stop.

Our friends bought a new farm and we popped over to see their horses (literally 30 mins tops) and drop off a card. SD found out and went ballistic to the point her mum dropped her off whilst we were there.

We (as in my DD and I) go out of our way to include her in everything and be kind but it seems to have backfired because now she acts like she is entitled to do everything we do but at the same time not include my DD in things and enjoy excluding her. The party is just the latest thing.

I’m not sure how to approach this. My DD is hurt and is in her words “feeling used” by SD as she’s happy to hang out in her room, wants free reign over my DD’s things / clothes, wants to do fun things with us if we’re going out for the day but it feels as though she’s only happy to hang out with my DD if she feels my DD is getting more than her or it’s the best offer she’s had for that day.

For context they’re 11 & 12.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
SionnachRua · 17/04/2021 12:05

I'd do fun things with your dd when she isn't there and shut down any tantrums SD throws. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for another goose, to butcher the old saying!

SageHoney · 17/04/2021 12:05

@AlfieMoonhead

No it was definitely SD *@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS* because SD last night took great pleasure in going into detail about how amazing her party was going to be and all the things they were going to do. Whilst my DD sat there crestfallen.

I took my DD out to get a Starbucks afterwards so we could get out of the house for a bit because I could see DD wanted to cry but wouldn’t in front of SD. As soon as we got into the car she burst into tears.

The first part here is INCREDIBLY rude (and would be even if your D were invited to the party but for some reason couldn't attend - the fact that she's not invited makes it even worse). SD can ask whoever she wants to her party, but this behaviour needs to be called out firmly - as in STOP IT NOW and don;t do it again. Best if your H does it, as he's SD's father, but if he's not there I think it's appropriate for you to speak up too.
OverTheRainbow88 · 17/04/2021 12:06

I would take DD out for a lovely fun day out whilst the party is going on.
I would stop publishing what me and DD are doing so SD can’t demand to be invited and turn up
I

Devlesko · 17/04/2021 12:06

@AlfieMoonhead

but three is a crowd at that age and young girls argue and bicker over absolutely everything But there isn’t 3 of them, there’s 6 of them in their group. There’s no arguing either, just deliberate exclusion.

I’m tempted to rearrange our plans for my DD’s birthday to the weekend SD isn’t with us.

Yes, you do need to rearrange sd for a different week to dd birthday. It's not your dd fault. Make sure your dp talks to his ex about their childs awful behaviour.
AIMD · 17/04/2021 12:06

“I’m tempted to rearrange our plans for my DD’s birthday to the weekend SD isn’t with us.”

While I can understand this is really tempting. I would not plan celebrations in a way specifically to exclude your step daughter. That’s tit for tat and escalating the issue. As an adult its not sending a great message either. However if your daughter chose to have a celebration and to not invite her that is fine because she can invite who she wants to her party/birthday.

I’m still not clear on how they have the same friends. They are in the same year at school or live in the same area??

MadinMarch · 17/04/2021 12:08

It's such a difficult situation...
Do something really nice with your DD while the party is on, and ensure that you continue to do things that don't neccesarily include your DSD- after all, I'm sure he does things with her mum, that don't include your dd.
I think you and your dh then have to have an ongoing conversation with both girls about the situation and help them both to manage the situation. It's a common problem in blended families and you have to help both girls come to some agreements for the future.

Monr0e · 17/04/2021 12:08

Did neither you or DH say anything to dsd as she sat there gloating in front of your DD?

If there are other instances and she is deliberately excluding your DD then I would absolutely stop going out of my way to include her. And at that age I would be telling her why.

Original poster
AlfieMoonhead · 17/04/2021 12:09

SD is making a point here, she's deliberately excluding your DD, probably because she felt excluded from whatever DD was doing that she found out about
I'd try to create some distance between them, and lock down social media so that neither of them can see what the other is doing. And don't let your DD post anything that shows her doing fun stuff ( or anything at all) with SD's Dad

She doesn’t. She posted 1 video of her friend and her dancing in a park, nothing to do with DH or I. They were on their own.
SD isn’t excluded from anything, she wasn’t here and my DD was just having a picnic with her friend.

She also called my DD boring last night and was quite unpleasant.

I just want to protect my DD from it as it’s hurting her feelings. We’ve had a good chat and my DD wants me to move the her party to the weekend before when SD is at her mum’s. I’m ok with this and will support her. SD knows nothing of the party as we’ve only just started to arrange it so she’ll be none the wiser anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlfieMoonhead · 17/04/2021 12:11

I’m still not clear on how they have the same friends. They are in the same year at school or live in the same area??
They are the children of friends of DH & I. We go camping and do days out with them regularly.

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 17/04/2021 12:11

I’m going to jump in and say I have three children. Two are twins.

Every birthday we’ve had a family tea, and cake and then they have always had their own parties with friends. And not invited each other.

This has always been the way and it works.

I would do this for your DDs party one to include SD and one for DD and her friends

Maggiesfarm · 17/04/2021 12:11

I think it's a shame, you should all have been invited to the party really but maybe your husband's ex likes to keep things separate.

Tell your daughter that is the reason.

Mellonsprite · 17/04/2021 12:12

I think you’ve tried to be inclusive for the SD but she isn’t willing to behave in the same manner back; so I’d stop inviting her to as much.

BluebellsGreenbells · 17/04/2021 12:12

The other thing, what was stopping your DH from arranging a party or gathering for the SD? It’s not limited to one party is it?

Original poster
AlfieMoonhead · 17/04/2021 12:12

@Monr0e I just tried to change the subject. I didn’t want to make a bigger deal of it because I was worried about my daughter feeling humiliated, so I waited for SD to leave the room and took DD out to Starbucks so we could have a chat and a treat to cheer her up.

OP posts:
Youdontknowwhatyoureonabout · 17/04/2021 12:13

[quote AlfieMoonhead]@Happycat1212 no I even said she’s not obligated to invite her, however she can’t have it both ways now and kick off about things my DD does without her.[/quote]
And next time she kicks off make sure you tell her just that.

Original poster
AlfieMoonhead · 17/04/2021 12:14

@Maggiesfarm

Yes I think it's a shame, you should all have been invited to the party really but maybe your husband's ex likes to keep things separate

They don’t like to keep things separate if it’s something we’ve organised and paid for funnily enough. Then it’s very much an event they have to be included in.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlfieMoonhead · 17/04/2021 12:15

@BluebellsGreenbells we have, I said in my OP we’ve had to postpone it until tomorrow because SD’s mum decided she was doing a party today.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 17/04/2021 12:16

Why isnt dh pulling his daughter up when she is gloating and telling her she is being unkind?

Radio4Rocks · 17/04/2021 12:16

SD sounds toxic. Time to not let her rule the family. Do nice things without her and tell her tough.

Girls that age can be vile - and SD certainly is being.

allaboutthecrisps · 17/04/2021 12:16

At the end of the day it's complicated sometimes arranging parties and often people want more folk at the party than is possible. Your DD does not have a right to be invited even if the others going are mutual friends and honestly I would focus on that part rather than anything else. By the same token of course your DD does not have to invited SD to her party. It is not inevitable to see this as a snub, as using you etc, humilitating. and I think you can look at it differently. You also need to take charge a little more with your SD and your DH needs to parent her more.

SandyY2K · 17/04/2021 12:17

Going to the farm when DSD wasn't there, isn't comparable to not being invited to the birthday party.

DD cannot be expected to put her life on hold and not have any social enjoyment, unless her stepsister is there.

Angrypregnantlady · 17/04/2021 12:17

I don't think they should have to invited to eachothers birthday parties. I don't think biological siblings should be either.

I think what really needs dealing with is SDs demands that your daughter doesn't do anything fun without her.

Monr0e · 17/04/2021 12:19

It sounds like you are bending over backwards to appease sd to the detriment of your own dd.

It's difficult because you are married and live together so you do not want to make her feel excluded. But like hell would I be inviting her to anything extra when she is not there. And if she or the ex kicks up a stink, let DH stand up to them

JustLyra · 17/04/2021 12:20

She also called my DD boring last night and was quite unpleasant.

How did your DH deal with that?

Don’t get into tit-for-tat, but your DH needs to come down on any nastiness or ridiculousness from his DD hard.

I had this with my DD when she went through a stage of thinking the rest of us should all be at home bored when she was at her Dad or Grans

I think your DH is the key on this one. He has to deal with his DD being rude in your home, and going forward when your DD does things she needs to be reminded that she does things - like the party - without your DD so DD is going to do things without her. That’s just what happens when two houses are involved.

Maray1967 · 17/04/2021 12:21

Yes to moving the party, I would definitely do that as it is clear that Sd does not want your DD at hers. There is no way I would expect my DC to have someone at their party who had specifically excluded them from their party. That’s not the same as not inviting children who haven’t invited yours as some don’t have parties or have small ones. My 2 had to invite all boys in the class when they had big parties in infants, no one was left out. But this is a different situation and you will need to be firm here. What might well happen is that she finds out about it and demands to come, as she got her mum to drop her off at your friends house to see the horses. Is your DH prepared to say that she cannot come and not let her in if she turns up?