Excluding Stepsibling from birthday celebrations

[AlfieMoonhead]

Situation is my DH and I have a DD each from previous relationships a year apart in age. We’ve been together 6 years, lived together for 2 years and married for 1.

The girls generally get on really well, there were a few teething problems right at the start but that was over 4 years ago now. This was supposed to be our weekend with SD but her mum arranged a birthday party for her without asking if it was ok and basically just told us she was having her back today. No problem, we’re happy she’s having a party but annoyed because we’d arranged to do something ourselves today but we’ve had to postpone until tomorrow.

The problem is SD has invited her friends, cousins and excluded my DD. It is a deliberate exclusion as she’s the friends she’s invited are their mutual friends so it feels very personal to my DD and she’s understandably upset.

I’m aware she doesn’t have to invite my DD, it’s her party etc but she is also the child who cries and has tantrums if she’s not included in absolutely everything my DD does. Last weekend for example, my DD went for a picnic with her friend and the park across the road from our house and she posted on her private TikTok account a silly video of her and her friend dancing in the park and eating ice creams. SD literally harassed my DD for the whole weekend about it via text until her dad had to step in and ask her to stop.

Our friends bought a new farm and we popped over to see their horses (literally 30 mins tops) and drop off a card. SD found out and went ballistic to the point her mum dropped her off whilst we were there.

We (as in my DD and I) go out of our way to include her in everything and be kind but it seems to have backfired because now she acts like she is entitled to do everything we do but at the same time not include my DD in things and enjoy excluding her. The party is just the latest thing.

I’m not sure how to approach this. My DD is hurt and is in her words “feeling used” by SD as she’s happy to hang out in her room, wants free reign over my DD’s things / clothes, wants to do fun things with us if we’re going out for the day but it feels as though she’s only happy to hang out with my DD if she feels my DD is getting more than her or it’s the best offer she’s had for that day.

For context they’re 11 & 12.

What would you do in this situation?

I would suggest the SD is jealous as your daughter sees her father more as he lives with you

Not your daughters fault ( especially as your daughter is no doubt in the same position with her father)

Personally I would stop doing stuff with the SD unless you have arranged something on the weekends you have her, and don’t let her know. I would certainly rearrange your daughters party and just not mention it. If she says anything be honest, she didn’t want your daughter at her party and your daughter didn’t want her at her party

I would also encourage your daughter not to let her in her bedroom, can they do all contact for the weekend downstairs?

I do think her father needs to have a word with her about her behaviour and set some ground rules for your house but he also has to be prepared to carry through any consequence

@AlfieMoonhead

I think you'll achieve more with honey than vinegar in this situation.

I agree with complying to your DD's request to change the date of her birthday party, but I'd still also do a little 'family' birthday celebration that SD can also be included in eg a meal out, little cake and maybe a fun activity afterwards.

That way, you have given your DD a 'friends' birthday party, the same as your SD has had, but it's 'softened' by including SD in the 'family' celebration.

I would then stick to doing this every year, so that hopefully birthdays won't be an issue going forwards.

However, the girls are old enough to be sat down and told, in no uncertain terms, that there will be no more 'tantrums' or 'meltdowns' about 'missing out' on things, because they will both be doing things with their other parent sometimes and that's just life !!

I'd also be putting a lock on DD's (and DSD's if she has her own room at your house) room, so that she can have privacy and can stop DSD treating DD's things as her own.

[quote AlfieMoonhead]@Maggiesfarm

Yes I think it's a shame, you should all have been invited to the party really but maybe your husband's ex likes to keep things separate

They don’t like to keep things separate if it’s something we’ve organised and paid for funnily enough. Then it’s very much an event they have to be included in.[/quote]
Bu that's different. Your DH is her father. His ex has absolutely nothing to do with your DD. I wouldn't feel the need to accommodate my ex's stepchildren in my plans. Not saying your DD shouldn't do anything unless the step sister is there too, but an expectation that your DH accommodates his daughter is not comparable to his ex accommodating yours.

She will only be allowed a certain amount of people because of Covid, tell your DD to move on and think no more about it.

I agree with @updownroundandround suggestions.

@JustLyra when I took my DD to Starbucks last night he apparently had strong words with her about being kind and said she was out of order.
I wasn’t there so I’m not exactly sure what was said but it hasn’t stopped SD gloating this morning. I’ve sent DD out with her friend to the park, SD tried to tag along but DH made her stay behind to sort some things out before her mum picks her up.

Also I paid a small fortune for a beautiful balloon decoration for SD who has now declared “My mum said I have to take this for the party”.

Am I right to assume that they aren't in the same school and year?

I'd tell your dd to not post social media stuff until after the fact (so no gatecrashing from her stepsister) or to consider posting so that stepsister can't see al posts. Not because she should be embarrassed about what she's doing but because stepsister is clearly insecure and jealous. I'd be reconsidering whether or not the girls should even follow each other. They clearly don't get along as well as you thought although this kind of behaviour is not unusual for their age. Tbh if they were full sisters this would be unlikely to happen as you wouldn't have had to encourage them to hang out together in order to bond. They would have their own friends and gatherings without their sibling.

I think that it's fine to have parties without inviting your dd (lots of kids end up with multiple parties because of split parents, having friends in and out of school etc) but it's fine for your dd to also do the same. Has her Dad bollocked her for rubbing it into your DD's face? She is old enough not to do that. Your partner needs to warn his dd not to be a bitch about your DD's upcoming celebration too. She's set the tone by not including dd and it's fair for your dd to do the same.

I know the girls aren't teens but teens who get along are very different from primary school kids who get along. With younger kids you might see them play together regularly and not squabble but with teens it's not about hanging out together all of the time imo. I live opposite a family whose teen girls (one school year apart) seem to get along and by that I mean they sometimes walk to the shops or school together but ask have their friends without their sibling (plus I can't hear them argue and squabble when they are in the garden or whatever)

Your DD and DSD should not have TikTok; they are far too young. They shouldn’t be browsing it for a start, let alone posting anything on it.

You do realise you can’t control what they can see, right? It works off algorithms so they generally see the same thing ie. dance/cat videos but they also throw in random content and a lot of it is dangerous/violent/inappropriate.

Forget the party. The bigger issue here is that your DD and DSD need protecting online.

Also I paid a small fortune for a beautiful balloon decoration for SD who has now declared “My mum said I have to take this for the party”.

I'm on your side with most of your post but I can't really see the problem with this? The thing about having to have it for the party does sound like a bit of a lie but I'd be expecting SD to take the decoration with her anyway. It's not like the child will be able to enjoy the balloon decoration if it remains at your house.

@updownroundandround my DD will be having a family gathering too, she was always having this anyway.

@LaceyBetty I get what you’re saying, but if we threw a party for SD and didn’t invite ex and her other child then she would kick off. It actually is comparable because SD’s other sibling and her mum are not part of our family unit either, but we’re kind and courteous to them.

[quote AlfieMoonhead]@JustLyra when I took my DD to Starbucks last night he apparently had strong words with her about being kind and said she was out of order.
I wasn’t there so I’m not exactly sure what was said but it hasn’t stopped SD gloating this morning. I’ve sent DD out with her friend to the park, SD tried to tag along but DH made her stay behind to sort some things out before her mum picks her up.

Also I paid a small fortune for a beautiful balloon decoration for SD who has now declared “My mum said I have to take this for the party”.[/quote]
Has he pulled her up on the gloating this morning?

Every single instance of meanness needs to be clamped down on. From both girls and over anything.

Mum doesn’t get to decide that something from your house is going. You and your DH do. If it’s a gift let her take it, if it’s something for your house then don’t.

Your DH really needs to nip this in the bud because girls get worse (I have twins of 19) if it festers and becomes tit-for-tat.

@SionnachRua because we’re having a family gathering tomorrow and the balloons were intended for that to be honest.

Why did DH accept his EX making plans on HIS weekend without discussing it?

Why didn't either if you tell SD to stop when she was talking on about what DD was missing out on and when she called her boring.

Both the Ex & the SD need telling.

Whilst she might be jealous that your daughter lives with HER Dad, and they're both in that horrible hormonal stage, she's ALSO being a brat - your DD & her friend are allowed to have a picnic & visit YOUR friends without her being indulged. She can't have that both ways! She either invites your DD to everything or accepts your DD is allowed to do things without her! I'd try to keep 'family days out' to weekends when you have them both, but not everything. Why should your DD stay home & do nothing every other weekend while madam gets to do stuff every weekend??

Obviously it's a little different as your DD is living with HER Dad, but her mum isn't living with your DD's Dad.

Does your DD not spend time with her Dad?

Where does SD sleep when she's at yours?

From both girls and over anything

A few comments on here are suggesting both girls are being mean. I’m not being that mum but this is really very one sided. Well at least at the moment, I suspect my DD may begin to treat SD as she is being treated.

[quote AlfieMoonhead]@SionnachRua because we’re having a family gathering tomorrow and the balloons were intended for that to be honest.[/quote]
Ah I see. In that case I'd be saying that she can of course take them after the family party. If mum has a problem, mum can buy her own balloon decoration.

@AlfieMoonhead

No it was definitely SD *@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS* because SD last night took great pleasure in going into detail about how amazing her party was going to be and all the things they were going to do. Whilst my DD sat there crestfallen.

I took my DD out to get a Starbucks afterwards so we could get out of the house for a bit because I could see DD wanted to cry but wouldn’t in front of SD. As soon as we got into the car she burst into tears.

Well one of you, either yourself or your DH should have let her have a couple of minutes talking about her party then shut her down, changed the subject, talked about your family plans for the day etc.

I get what you’re saying, but if we threw a party for SD and didn’t invite ex and her other child then she would kick off. It actually is comparable because SD’s other sibling and her mum are not part of our family unit either, but we’re kind and courteous to them.

Let her kick off.

There’s a difference between kind and being a mug. If the same courtesy is not extended back then separate events is the road you are on.

@DelphiniumBlue

SD is making a point here, she's deliberately excluding your DD, probably because she felt excluded from whatever DD was doing that she found out about. I'd try to create some distance between them, and lock down social media so that neither of them can see what the other is doing. And don't let your DD post anything that shows her doing fun stuff ( or anything at all) with SD's Dad.

That's not really fair is it. She shouldn't be banned from posting things to pander to SD when SD is allowed to do what she wants and rub it in the dds face.

The girls generally get on really well, there were a few teething problems right at the start

What sort of 'teething' problems?
How soon was your relationship after your DH's previous relationship broke up?
Is his ex resentful?

*Does your DD not spend time with her Dad?

Where does SD sleep when she's at yours?*

SD has her own bedroom and my DD goes to visit her dad regularly.

@AlfieMoonhead

From both girls and over anything

A few comments on here are suggesting both girls are being mean. I’m not being that mum but this is really very one sided. Well at least at the moment, I suspect my DD may begin to treat SD as she is being treated.

I wasn’t referring you your DD being mean atm. I just mean that going forward while this is bubbling it needs to be both girls and over anything.

Because it will fester otherwise.

[quote AlfieMoonhead]@Maggiesfarm

Yes I think it's a shame, you should all have been invited to the party really but maybe your husband's ex likes to keep things separate

They don’t like to keep things separate if it’s something we’ve organised and paid for funnily enough. Then it’s very much an event they have to be included in.[/quote]
Your DH needs to start saying to his Ex 'No, you're not invited'

@Nanny0gg the girls were 5 & 6 when we met, 6 & 7 when they were introduced to each other. DH had been single for 5 years when I met him.

Teething problems as in they were both little and squabbled a bit. But it’s been calm and friendly for 4 years which is why I’m surprised at SD doing this now.

[quote AlfieMoonhead]@updownroundandround my DD will be having a family gathering too, she was always having this anyway.

@LaceyBetty I get what you’re saying, but if we threw a party for SD and didn’t invite ex and her other child then she would kick off. It actually is comparable because SD’s other sibling and her mum are not part of our family unit either, but we’re kind and courteous to them.[/quote]
Ah. Well I would certainly stop inviting the ex if she's not reciprocating. Maybe things need to be kept a bit more separate as the girls really don't get on.

@viques I did, I physically took my DD out of the house because of her gloating.