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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluding Stepsibling from birthday celebrations

384 replies

AlfieMoonhead · 17/04/2021 11:41

Situation is my DH and I have a DD each from previous relationships a year apart in age. We’ve been together 6 years, lived together for 2 years and married for 1.

The girls generally get on really well, there were a few teething problems right at the start but that was over 4 years ago now. This was supposed to be our weekend with SD but her mum arranged a birthday party for her without asking if it was ok and basically just told us she was having her back today. No problem, we’re happy she’s having a party but annoyed because we’d arranged to do something ourselves today but we’ve had to postpone until tomorrow.

The problem is SD has invited her friends, cousins and excluded my DD. It is a deliberate exclusion as she’s the friends she’s invited are their mutual friends so it feels very personal to my DD and she’s understandably upset.

I’m aware she doesn’t have to invite my DD, it’s her party etc but she is also the child who cries and has tantrums if she’s not included in absolutely everything my DD does. Last weekend for example, my DD went for a picnic with her friend and the park across the road from our house and she posted on her private TikTok account a silly video of her and her friend dancing in the park and eating ice creams. SD literally harassed my DD for the whole weekend about it via text until her dad had to step in and ask her to stop.

Our friends bought a new farm and we popped over to see their horses (literally 30 mins tops) and drop off a card. SD found out and went ballistic to the point her mum dropped her off whilst we were there.

We (as in my DD and I) go out of our way to include her in everything and be kind but it seems to have backfired because now she acts like she is entitled to do everything we do but at the same time not include my DD in things and enjoy excluding her. The party is just the latest thing.

I’m not sure how to approach this. My DD is hurt and is in her words “feeling used” by SD as she’s happy to hang out in her room, wants free reign over my DD’s things / clothes, wants to do fun things with us if we’re going out for the day but it feels as though she’s only happy to hang out with my DD if she feels my DD is getting more than her or it’s the best offer she’s had for that day.

For context they’re 11 & 12.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 17/04/2021 13:14

@AlfieMoonhead

DSD is feeling jealous about your DD and her dad which is totally understandable Honestly, I don’t think it is this because it’s usually things my DD and I have done alone that she licks off about. For example SD could come to ours and see DD has something new, nothing big but say a new notebook and SD will say “where did you get that?” My DD will reply “Oh my mum and I went to Sainsbury’s and she bought it for me” and SD will sulk and accuse me of leaving her out. Which in turn sometimes leads to DH’s ex gf then sending angry messages accusing me of treating SD unfairly. Or if she finds out DD and I went for lunch or a bike ride, same thing happens. She’s fully aware DH isn’t there so I don’t think it’s anything to do when him.

I’m very mindful and conscientious. I try to include SD in most things and bend over backwards to be kind to her.

I don’t much feel like doing it anymore to be honest.

SD's 'what's mine is mine & what's yours is mine' needs stamping out
I really do think this sums up her attitude.

She’s become entitled as she’s now expecting you to go out of our way for her.

In future tell her, she does and buys things with her mum and that’s the same for you and your DD.

She needs to learn everything does not revolve around her or she’s going to grow up into a very unpleasant and unhappy young woman. I’ve got a batshit SIL just like her.

amylou8 · 17/04/2021 13:14

I think you and DD both need to take a step back from SD. Plan your life with your DD, and if SD is there then and joins in great, don't exclude her, but stop making her the focus and letting her rule the roost. Encourage your DD to make friends independent of SD, if they're in the same school maybe a club or hobby SD isn't involved in.

BungleandGeorge · 17/04/2021 13:15

Siblings also get incredibly jealous of each other at that stage too. I think it’s easier not to worry about it and tell them to get on with it if they’re all yours though! I wouldn’t pander to it, if it’s just you and your daughter do whatever you like in your spare time

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/04/2021 13:16

[quote AlfieMoonhead]@Happycat1212 no I even said she’s not obligated to invite her, however she can’t have it both ways now and kick off about things my DD does without her.[/quote]
I think as this is something she was doing with mum it’s fine. She’s under no obligation to invite her dads wife’s family as they are not her family. I can’t imagine her mum issuing an invite either. Plus rule of six is in place which severely limits who can be invited.

It’s very different if dad is doing something with another child that’s not his. Then rightly she wants to do the same thing and be included.

I’m sure you and your DD do things without your SD alone so no different to her doing something with her mum alone.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 17/04/2021 13:16

I honestly feel like stopping going over and above for her now.

I would. And I would tell the ex, when it comes up, that the party has set a benchmark now so each girl does what they want in their separate time and there will be no more tolerance of stepdaughter 'kicking off' about it.

I also wouldn't let her take the balloon arrangement. But that's just me. I would put it somewhere out of access and say 'you'll have loads of your stuff at your party, this is for tomorrow'.

Original poster
AlfieMoonhead · 17/04/2021 13:18

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss you clearly haven’t read my posts.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 17/04/2021 13:23

So you just keep saying to SD - no me a X did that togther just like your mum does stuff with you. Rinse and repeat.

flumposie · 17/04/2021 13:23

It's horrible but I had to teach my daughter the grey rock technique when a so call friend turned nasty on her. My daughter told her nothing about what she had been up to, her plans etc so that her ' friend' couldn't twist/ make snide comments etc. Also told her to not react to anything she said to her. This was at the age of 9.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 17/04/2021 13:24

*I’m very mindful and conscientious. I try to include SD in most things and bend over backwards to be kind to her.

I don’t much feel like doing it anymore to be honest. *

You clearly can't win so why bother?

Rejoiningperson · 17/04/2021 13:24

I agree with @Skiptheheartsandflowers that you should stop being ‘overly nice’ to her.

However what I’ve also experienced, is that we can overly blame or get too annoyed with the step child too. This is from a step mum. We do that because they are being mean to us and our own child. So it is natural to feel annoyed with your SD. BUT she is behaving this way because of loyalty to her Mum, confusion as to her place, possible insecurity, mixed feelings, hormones, teenage hood...

So yes please do step back and draw a line. Let your own daughter see your actions so she can copy them. Draw back your energy from SD. Have a party without her. Don’t indulge.

But also keep a kernel of compassion going for her. On your terms. And in a fair distant way.

Rejoiningperson · 17/04/2021 13:26

@flumposie

It's horrible but I had to teach my daughter the grey rock technique when a so call friend turned nasty on her. My daughter told her nothing about what she had been up to, her plans etc so that her ' friend' couldn't twist/ make snide comments etc. Also told her to not react to anything she said to her. This was at the age of 9.
That is a pretty good technique to learn at any age.
starfishmummy · 17/04/2021 13:27

Personally I'd just carry on with the plans you had made for today with your DD. When SD arrives tomorrow just giver her a present and maybe some cake as she's already had her party.

NativityDreaming · 17/04/2021 13:28

Stop pandering to the SD! If she misses out on things that you do when she isn’t there that is too bad, your life doesn’t stop because she is at her mum’s. Don’t announce every little thing you do on SM and you won’t have the mother dropping off the SD at events you are attending without her.

It seems like your DH need to set boundaries of what is appropriate behaviour.

VodkaSlimline · 17/04/2021 13:29

Fair enough - I know a couple of sets of twins and all are best friends, not in a weird/creepy/excluding all others way, just in that they would never not want the other one to be there for a special occasion! But they are younger... maybe when they get to secondary school it will be different.

Nanny0gg · 17/04/2021 13:30

@AlfieMoonhead

DSD is feeling jealous about your DD and her dad which is totally understandable Honestly, I don’t think it is this because it’s usually things my DD and I have done alone that she licks off about. For example SD could come to ours and see DD has something new, nothing big but say a new notebook and SD will say “where did you get that?” My DD will reply “Oh my mum and I went to Sainsbury’s and she bought it for me” and SD will sulk and accuse me of leaving her out. Which in turn sometimes leads to DH’s ex gf then sending angry messages accusing me of treating SD unfairly. Or if she finds out DD and I went for lunch or a bike ride, same thing happens. She’s fully aware DH isn’t there so I don’t think it’s anything to do when him.

I’m very mindful and conscientious. I try to include SD in most things and bend over backwards to be kind to her.

I don’t much feel like doing it anymore to be honest.

SD's 'what's mine is mine & what's yours is mine' needs stamping out
I really do think this sums up her attitude.

So you shouldn't have let her take the balloons that you paid for
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/04/2021 13:32

" For example SD could come to ours and see DD has something new, nothing big but say a new notebook and SD will say “where did you get that?”
My DD will reply “Oh my mum and I went to Sainsbury’s and she bought it for me” and SD will sulk and accuse me of leaving her out. Which in turn sometimes leads to DH’s ex gf then sending angry messages accusing me of treating SD unfairly.

And this here is half the problem. YOu have the SD's mum telling her that she should have everything your DD has, as that's only fair.

Well, SD has her own mother to supply her with things - so YOU don't need to. If your DD has a notebook that you bought her, then SD's mother can buy her own DD a notebook to even the score.

This is about ensuring that DH's money is spent evenly on the girls - but that lets SD's mum off the hook entirely, which is inappropriate, especially when it's something that YOU have bought her. I'd understand it more if it was something your DH had bought her, but it's not. And yes, you can say it's "family money" but it's not either - it's you choosing to spend money that you've earnt on your DD. Just like your DH could choose to do on his DD. And equally that her mother could choose to do too.

Crack down on this sense of entitlement now - has to be done before it gets any more out of hand.

randommum82 · 17/04/2021 13:32

Welcome to the world of pre teen girls. I'm one of 4 girls, and if my older sister could have at that age, she'd have found a way to exclude all the rest of us from her birthday parties. Of course this wasn't possible since we lived in the same house.

This is the age when girls start breaking out and establishing their own circles and personalities. Around 11/12 is when you want to be cool and be with your friends, not having your sister tag along to everything. Hard to understand, but that's how it is. Don't tit for tat on this, put it down to preteens being preteens and let it go. The more upset you get about it the more your daugher will understand it as something to be upset over.

As for SD's rudeness, her dad needs to pull her up on that.

BRB2021 · 17/04/2021 13:32

YANBU - at 12 it is high time SD learned that for every action there is a reaction . And if you are purposely missing your step sister out and gloating, then you have set the rules and others are entitled to act the same way.

Glad your DH appears to have backbone and is being straight with his daughter

Viviennemary · 17/04/2021 13:35

I think its extremely mean of them. But are they allowed a big party. I wouldn't go out of my way to include her in any future arrangements. And certainly not on outings when she wouldn't normally be with you.

Ericaequites · 17/04/2021 13:38

Neither of the girls should have social media of any sort. They can’t handle it emotionally. It only increases the drama, and leads to poor mental health. There are excellent reasons Facebook, SnapChat, and so on have age limits. Those age limits are at least 13+. There are kids’ versions, but say no to pester power. You are a parent; don’t be afraid to say no.

BungleandGeorge · 17/04/2021 13:39

@VodkaSlimline

Fair enough - I know a couple of sets of twins and all are best friends, not in a weird/creepy/excluding all others way, just in that they would never not want the other one to be there for a special occasion! But they are younger... maybe when they get to secondary school it will be different.
Yes little ones totally different, hormones change everything!
FranklinTennessee · 17/04/2021 13:40

It must be incredibly difficult for both girls to navigate this, just because their parents are together, they’re forced to have a relationship. They’re not siblings so don’t have that close bond when they argue to pull them back together. I think you need to encourage them to respect each other and try to stamp out any bitchy behaviour on either side. But you also need to realise quite how difficult it is for them, they may not have even chosen each other as friends yet are pushed together as ‘sisters’ when they’re not.
It all sounds quite broken and dysfunctional. The adults need to set a better example too. Another example of a blended family really not working.

MakingPlans21 · 17/04/2021 13:42

Is it SD or her mother?

RRoonilWazlib · 17/04/2021 13:42

I really feel for your DD! Seems like you can't spend any quality time together without DSD moaning that she wasn't invited along.

Sounds a good plan to support DD with her wishes to move the date of her party. Taste of your own medicine and all that.

Hope your DD manages to have a nice day today and keeps her mind off it!

hannayeah · 17/04/2021 13:42

It sounds like her Mum is causing the problem rather than helping eliminate it. And maybe there is a good reason that she’s jealous of things your DD does with you, perhaps her relationship with her own Mum isn’t as healthy. It seems like her Mum is encouraging some of these bad feelings. Nothing is so horrible as jealousy and envy.

I think it’s a particularly tough spot for your DH to navigate. His ex is using awful tactics in an attempt to control your household and is hurting her own child in the process.

Maybe a bit of etiquette training can help here. “SD, it’s ok to invite whomever you want to spend time with you. It’s not on to talk about fun things you are doing to people who aren’t invited. You’ll lose friends and hurt people if you do this.”

“SD, when your Mum buys you a special gift meant to decorate at her house, it’s rude to demand to bring it over here. The reverse is true also. The result might be that you receive fewer gifts like this”

To ex from your DH, “I’m worried about our DD. She’s in her formative years and learning some bad behaviors about how to treat friends. She seems to be developing jealousies and insecurities that are causing this. How do we help her feel better about herself and focus on her own fun instead of worrying about what someone else may be doing?”