Excluding Stepsibling from birthday celebrations

[AlfieMoonhead]

Situation is my DH and I have a DD each from previous relationships a year apart in age. We’ve been together 6 years, lived together for 2 years and married for 1.

The girls generally get on really well, there were a few teething problems right at the start but that was over 4 years ago now. This was supposed to be our weekend with SD but her mum arranged a birthday party for her without asking if it was ok and basically just told us she was having her back today. No problem, we’re happy she’s having a party but annoyed because we’d arranged to do something ourselves today but we’ve had to postpone until tomorrow.

The problem is SD has invited her friends, cousins and excluded my DD. It is a deliberate exclusion as she’s the friends she’s invited are their mutual friends so it feels very personal to my DD and she’s understandably upset.

I’m aware she doesn’t have to invite my DD, it’s her party etc but she is also the child who cries and has tantrums if she’s not included in absolutely everything my DD does. Last weekend for example, my DD went for a picnic with her friend and the park across the road from our house and she posted on her private TikTok account a silly video of her and her friend dancing in the park and eating ice creams. SD literally harassed my DD for the whole weekend about it via text until her dad had to step in and ask her to stop.

Our friends bought a new farm and we popped over to see their horses (literally 30 mins tops) and drop off a card. SD found out and went ballistic to the point her mum dropped her off whilst we were there.

We (as in my DD and I) go out of our way to include her in everything and be kind but it seems to have backfired because now she acts like she is entitled to do everything we do but at the same time not include my DD in things and enjoy excluding her. The party is just the latest thing.

I’m not sure how to approach this. My DD is hurt and is in her words “feeling used” by SD as she’s happy to hang out in her room, wants free reign over my DD’s things / clothes, wants to do fun things with us if we’re going out for the day but it feels as though she’s only happy to hang out with my DD if she feels my DD is getting more than her or it’s the best offer she’s had for that day.

For context they’re 11 & 12.

What would you do in this situation?

@Marianb

It's difficult but I wouldn't go tit for tat with a pre teen girl. There could be many reasons why she wasn't invited (not that I agree) Does your daughter usually go to SD house to hang out? I'll bet SD is jealous your daughter gets to live with her daddy and she can't which to a kid that age is massive. Equally your daughter will not see it as SD does. Why would she? Its a complex thing. I would get your husband to take his daughter out to do things, on their time. And you can plan something for you and your daughter followed by something for the whole family and alternate. My daughter didn't know how to tell her dad she wanted to have 1 on 1 time with him as she had a baby sister there (7year gap) and when I tried to explain he told her no as they were a family so her 1 visit a week was stuck in or an outing to cater for the younger sibling.

I agree not going tit for tat, but it’s not doing that to respect her dds wish not to have sd at her birthday, it would be if the op unilaterally decided even though dd would love her to come. And laying some better boundaries is doing sd a huge favour rather than allowing her to walk all over everyone in her life.

@Codswallop20

I totally understand. My situation was similar. Stepdaughter now only bothers with my husband when it's her birthday or Christmas approaching. It's so predictable. I got sick and tired of her behaviour so now I just don't bother with her. We have a lovely life and home setup without her.

@GreyhoundG1rl

No problem, we’re happy she’s having a party but annoyed because we’d arranged to do something ourselves today but we’ve had to postpone until tomorrow." Why? Why would you do that?

Yes, why would you do that? It was SD’s weekend to be with you, so why let DH’s ex decide that they were changing things, when you had already made plans?

Your poor DD, as well as having to listen to her SS going on about how fantastic her party was going to be, now also has to listen to her SS going on about how fantastic her party was and how much fun she had with her friends, at the same time as you are giving her a second party!! That is so damaging for your DD, you need to protect your DD from this emotional bullying. If I were you I would take your DD out and let SD and DH get on with things themselves!

I would suggest that this should also be the way going forward, your DH can do things with his DD, whilst you are doing things with your DD! Maybe not all the time, but certainly a good proportion of the time! Your DD needs to know you have her back in this. She needs to see that she is allowed to do fun things without her SS being involved, instead of the way things are at the moment with SD insisting that she has to be included in absolutely everything DD does! Plus, get your DD a lock for her bedroom, she doesn’t have to share everything with SS.

The whole situation reminded me of when my DS was the same age and his supposedly best friend (they had a close-knit group of 4) and him shared a birthday week. We planned a party for DS and then found out that that friend also planned a party on the same day and invited his shared friends but not DS. So a) nobody was available to come to DS's party and b) his best friend left him out of his.

We rescheduled DS's party and since the "best friend" turned out not to be such a close one he didn't get an invitation. His mother had the audacity to send me an outrageous email to say "he is so hurt, he thought they were friends". Apparently he couldn't invite my son to his party due to limited numbers but fully expected to be invited to my son's which too had limited numbers.

I would say it is perfectly fine to go tit for tat with pre-teens. They know very well what they are doing and need to be taught the consequences of their actions.

The having to put a lock on a bedroom door is proof of how out of control and toxic the situation is.

That OP's daughter in her main home not being allowed basic privacy is appalling.

My children wouldn't dream of going into each others stuff, they knock on each others bedroom doors, we all do this with each other.
It really is very basic courtesy and respect for those you live with in most homes.

The OP and her husband cannot even ensure that OP's daughter is afforded that basic respect in her home.

Everything is on her step daughter's terms.

The need for locks on a bedroom door tells you exactly the level of deficit of parenting and protection the OP's daughter has in her own home.

Step daughter is well aware of what she is doing when she goes into the OP's daughter's bedroom.

She is clearly telling her, I can do what I like, when I like, to whom I like and I get away with it.
My father won't say a word and your mother is too busy bending over backwards to keep me happy to stand up for you.

Step daughter knows exactly what she is doing.

She has 4 adults putting her first.

Poor OP's daughter feelings are only a priority to her father.
We don't even know for sure if the OP's ex is a good father. Her daughter may not have anyone who shows her that her feelings count.

Poor child.

Your DSD has so much power and no boundaries this is actually incredibly unhealthy for her.

The first step is to arrange fixed contact and rearranging it is done by the parents liaising well in advance.

Can you imagine what she's going to get up to in the future if Mum thinks she's at Dads house and vice versa?

Not much to add to what's already been said. But I think today might be hell. If DSD couldn't stop gloating bout her party before it happened, think what she's going to be like when it has. You're going to need a plan, that DH also signs up to, for how you're going to deal with it.

It's definitely ridiculous to go tit for tat with pre teens - you're meant to be the adult in the situation. That said it's fine to reevaluate the situation. It's very clear that DSD is jealous of DD. That's understandable but her behaviour is unacceptable. The jealousy and insecurity needs to be handled sensitively by her dad and boundaries need to be put in place for how she deals with DD. She needs to treat DD with respect, crowing about a party DD isn't invited to is not OK, harrassing DD to include her in every aspect of her social life is not OK. DSD needs time alone with her dad when she comes over, she needs her own space in her dad's house and she needs to respect DD's bedroom as DD's private space which she has no right to enter unless DD invites her. It's also probably healthy for both girls to work on their social lives outside of each other. Since there are clearly jealousy issues from DSD it's probably healthy for them to have plenty of time socialising apart.

Time to scale back with SD, stop rearranging things to fit in with her. Do some activities as a family without her, not excluding but doing fun things when she’s elsewhere. Time to build up your daughter and separate her things/friends/activities from SD.

I think you have to make an effort to include DSD in things because you are her step mum. Your DD is nothing to your husband's ex and therefore she is under no obligation to include her in anything. I get that you would invite the ex and siblings because it is a nice thing to do but she might not feel that way. Also when limiting numbers to the rule of 6 it makes it more difficult to invite everyone. Perhaps DSD has 5 friends and couldn't see a way to exclude one of them.

If you start arranging things specifically to exclude DSD that would be very mean. It is bad enough for her that your DD gets to see her dad every day and she doesn't. You are the blended family and so need to act as such. What your DD does with her mum is completely separate.

I understand your DD feels left out but you need to help her to understand why this might have happened the way it has. Your DH should talk to his daughter again and explain that your DD feels left out and that she should be a bit more tactful (if it didn't sink in the first time), though I am not sure 11 yo girls are very good at that. Sounds like DSD is still aggrieved about the park incident although she is being unreasonable about that.

@RandomMess

Your DSD has so much power and no boundaries this is actually incredibly unhealthy for her.

The first step is to arrange fixed contact and rearranging it is done by the parents liaising well in advance.

Can you imagine what she's going to get up to in the future if Mum thinks she's at Dads house and vice versa?

Absolutely. I think you put this better than I did. I had this experience with my SD who used to ‘allowed’ between houses. When I said it wasn’t working the classic response is ‘but it’s her home how dare you’ etc.

It hides a lot of bad stuff. In my case SD was:

• being rejected by her mother a lot. Any time SD did something that her Mum didn’t like - sent to our house. Anytime mums boyfriend turned up - sent to our house. Of course SD never admitted that, her Mum just instigated an argument with her each time, made the poor SD really uncomfortable, and each SD knew she had to leave before her mum totally lost it.
• SD then able to hide an awful lot of stuff. She hid that she was struggling at school (who was really on top of her homework?), hid that she was struggling with eating (who really knew what she’d eaten?)
• a few bad incidents where SD just took off and it took hours before either parent knew what was going on.
• SD also starting to use it to annoy me I think! And why wouldn’t she, the adults around her were modelling manipulative behaviour. She was always ‘forgetting stuff’ and coming and going when me and Ex were having a romantic night in, or when I needed to work and she’d suddenly have to use the office for something. Constant boundaries being broken.

So yes, a child able to go between houses. Big red flag.

Because it’s a break down of boundaries. And boundaries are the opposite of abuse.

Being upset because you bought your DD a notebook and not one for her is very childish and spoilt. Ignore any sulking and reinforce the idea that they are not always going to get the same things. Did DD kick off because she didn't go to a deer park like SD? Maybe point this out to SD. I was a step child and it is rubbish but this little girl sounds very jealous and insecure. Can your DH have a word with his ex? Does ex's other sibling get everything their own way? It sounds as if the ex is jealous of you and your daughter.

because SD last night took great pleasure in going into detail about how amazing her party was going to be and all the things they were going to do. Whilst my DD sat there crestfallen.

And you allowed it?

Both of you? The adults?

I think you need a house rule about manners and being kind. ANd you need to implement it.

You and your DH are ADULTS allowing sd to gloat is as bad as joining in.

[quote Rejoiningperson]@HandfulofDust of course you can! How naive. The child doesn’t have absolute power over both parents to do what they like, go where they like, it would be very unfair to put this responsibility onto them too.

I have a list as long as my arm of all the bad reasons why going between houses doesn’t work. And interestingly, the OPs position is a classic case in point - the SD is being manipulated by her Mum and also being very mean to DD - so absolutely in this circumstance the OP needs to put up a boundary and structure. That her father feels that he can’t put down any boundaries is completely classic too. And as @billy1966 says it’s the DD that is being effectively bullied here by it. She needs some clear time when SD can’t come waltzing in, with her own Mum. As SD obviously gets clear time with her Mum without a step sibling walking in to her Mum’s house when she feels like it.

It’s just basic parenting really. Not living in a fairyland where mum and dad can feel like their kid isn’t really affected as look! They can do what they like as if both houses were really one. Well they aren’t! Foolish in most cases.[/quote]
FWIW I totally agree with you.

By all means make arrangements for generous contact - but no-one should have their family home at the beck and call of another, particularly when that other is a disruptive influence. Everyone needs to know which days they can know are their own to do as they wish as a family - and that they won't have to accommodate another person.

Obviously in emergency circumstances these rules could be bent, but as a general rule we ALL need our own space.

@Scarlettpixie

I think you have to make an effort to include DSD in things because you are her step mum. Your DD is nothing to your husband's ex and therefore she is under no obligation to include her in anything. I get that you would invite the ex and siblings because it is a nice thing to do but she might not feel that way. Also when limiting numbers to the rule of 6 it makes it more difficult to invite everyone. Perhaps DSD has 5 friends and couldn't see a way to exclude one of them.

If you start arranging things specifically to exclude DSD that would be very mean. It is bad enough for her that your DD gets to see her dad every day and she doesn't. You are the blended family and so need to act as such. What your DD does with her mum is completely separate.

I understand your DD feels left out but you need to help her to understand why this might have happened the way it has. Your DH should talk to his daughter again and explain that your DD feels left out and that she should be a bit more tactful (if it didn't sink in the first time), though I am not sure 11 yo girls are very good at that. Sounds like DSD is still aggrieved about the park incident although she is being unreasonable about that.

This is rubbish if you’ve read the thread, even assuming there are typos. The ops dd doesn’t see her dad every day. She doesn’t hang out with ops dp, her stepdad every weekend, as she goes to her dads for contact something like every other weekend. The new partner is not her dad, she is not the joint child who gets her dad home all the time.

@SchadenfreudePersonified

A lot of idiocy being spouted here. I hope some of you aren't step mums. Itprobably comes from the sexist attiude that if you marry a man with kids you'll take them for weekends out, pay some maintenance but not have to have too much hassle from them.

Tough luck. If someone tried to tell me my kids couldn't have free access to my house, they would be the one moving out of my house not the kid. I also would have no interest in a man who wasn't the same. Kids with divorced parents should absolutely feel at home in both homes. Not just if they're behaving well but always. Kids are brats sometimes. Especially teenagers navigating blended families. They might behave terribly sometimes. That doesn't mean you don't bother with them anymore. The step child may want or need to live with their dad full time at some point so you better be prepared to live with that too. You're the adult not the child. That doesn't mean you can't advocate for your own DD and insist DH sorts it out. Sounds like the mum is actively stirring up the situation to get at her ex and the dad is being far too passive. OP can't help the behaviour of the mum (I doubt she'll be conducive to rational discussion) but she should absolutely insist her DH is more proactive in the situation.

As much as OP says DD never hangs out with her husband, that makes no sense at all. She lives with him most of the time. They presumably have dinner together most nights, they sit and watch TV together and DSD will know this.

@SchadenfreudePersonified

By all means make arrangements for generous contact - but no-one should have their family home at the beck and call of another, particularly when that other is a disruptive influence.

Read this back and think for a second how ridiculous (and horrible) what you've written is. If you were genuinely stupid enough to marry a man with kids and think they wouldn't be welcome in your home, that's your idiotic decision. Residency arrangements change. If his DD wants to live with him in the future, or needs to due to a change of circumstances he isn't going to say no. If you think of your step child (even a step child who is behaving very badly) just as 'some other' or a 'disruptive influence' then you need to readjust your attitude or move out. That's his child.

If you are prepared to have your daily life disrupted willy-nilly on the whim of a spoiled, bullying brat, and a likely manipulative ex-partner who is most probably using her child deliberately to destroy and play havoc with your peace of mind, then go ahead.

If the SD was living with OP and her father, then they could teach her to behave more appropriately. She isn't. She's primarily resident with her batshit mother who has allowed her - or convinced her - that she has the right to intrude on EVERY aspect of OP's life.

She hasn't.

Lots of pearl clutching on this thread. Your DSD is still young, and lots of kids push boundaries at this age. I'd definitely let your DD have her own party away from from DSD - don't change your plans, just make sure if she turns up your DH is there to take her out or return her to her mum's.

Other than that, just make sure your DD gets more time with you by herself.

Pearl clutching...

OP - I’m guessing you’re busy with the delayed celebration, but if you’re reading this, I’d like to ask about said celebration, as I don’t think many people have picked up on it.

You say you had to postpone a birthday celebration for your stepdaughter because of the one her mother had organised; that you’ve pushed it back until today. Presumably your daughter was, and still is, invited to that one - the one that’s in her home. She was excluded from an event in her stepdad’s ex-wife’s house - and as much as your stepdaughter was cruel and brattish to crow about the lack of an invite, it isn’t the same as what your proposing to do, which is deliberately scheduling a party for when she isn’t there.

As much as some posters would tell you’re otherwise, your home IS your stepdaughter’s home, if only part time. If a 12 year-old can’t call her own father’s house home, something is very wrong. If you change the date of the party, you’re deliberately excluding her from an event in her own home; not your daughter, but you as an adult. Your daughter not wanting to invite her is a different issue; you are talking about taking that decision yourself. And that’s not to say she shouldn’t be disciplined for deliberately upsetting and goading your daughter. But making her feel like it’s ‘toe the line or pay by losing time with your dad’ is a slippery slope.

Could you compromise and have a birthday tea, just the four of you, while she’s there, and take your daughter and her friends out somewhere when she’s not? That way, it can be your daughter not inviting her - which she has every right to do - rather than you as her stepmother essentially saying ‘You’re not welcome this weekend’.

I’m massively disappointed by the number of people using phrases like ‘this visiting girl’, talking about taking her keys away and grudgingly saying she should be allowed ‘generous contact’. A child being ‘allowed’ to see her own father is not ‘generous’.

Kids with divorced parents should absolutely feel at home in both homes. Not just if they're behaving well but always.

@SaltAndVinegarSandwiches puts it in a nutshell. You can’t and wouldn’t send your own child away if they misbehaved, so why are you expecting your husband to do pretty much exactly that? How would you react if, the next time your daughter throws a tantrum (as kids do), he makes starting noises about spending more time at her dad’s house?

It’s all very well to want to put your daughter first. Just remember, your husband might decide to do the same.

She was excluded from an event in her stepdad’s ex-wife’s house - and as much as your stepdaughter was cruel and brattish to crow about the lack of an invite, it isn’t the same as what your proposing to do, which is deliberately scheduling a party for when she isn’t there.

There is presumably a history of OP's dd being invited to dsd's party in the past. The rest of their shared friendship group (who dsd met through OP and her dad) is being invited which is sad for dd.
Dsd's mum forces OP to invite her (ex) and ex's other child to OP's dd party which is outrageous behaviour imo. There is clearly a history of being too accommodating here.
Scheduling the party when dsd is not there will hopefully control the sibling rivalry. (I know they aren't really siblings but the jealousy and tantrums make me think of that )
It is reasonable for OP's dd to learn that she can't expect invites but that goes for dsd too.

The ex casually said "dsd doesn't want your dd there" meaning that she thinks that it's an acceptable stance to take.

@ForThePurposeOfTheTape

The ex casually said "dsd doesn't want your dd there" meaning that she thinks that it's an acceptable stance to take.

Well it really doesn’t matter what the ex thinks. The OP and her husband can only control their own decisions and what goes on in their home.

I want to know if the balloons went/were returned.