Excluding Stepsibling from birthday celebrations

[AlfieMoonhead]

Situation is my DH and I have a DD each from previous relationships a year apart in age. We’ve been together 6 years, lived together for 2 years and married for 1.

The girls generally get on really well, there were a few teething problems right at the start but that was over 4 years ago now. This was supposed to be our weekend with SD but her mum arranged a birthday party for her without asking if it was ok and basically just told us she was having her back today. No problem, we’re happy she’s having a party but annoyed because we’d arranged to do something ourselves today but we’ve had to postpone until tomorrow.

The problem is SD has invited her friends, cousins and excluded my DD. It is a deliberate exclusion as she’s the friends she’s invited are their mutual friends so it feels very personal to my DD and she’s understandably upset.

I’m aware she doesn’t have to invite my DD, it’s her party etc but she is also the child who cries and has tantrums if she’s not included in absolutely everything my DD does. Last weekend for example, my DD went for a picnic with her friend and the park across the road from our house and she posted on her private TikTok account a silly video of her and her friend dancing in the park and eating ice creams. SD literally harassed my DD for the whole weekend about it via text until her dad had to step in and ask her to stop.

Our friends bought a new farm and we popped over to see their horses (literally 30 mins tops) and drop off a card. SD found out and went ballistic to the point her mum dropped her off whilst we were there.

We (as in my DD and I) go out of our way to include her in everything and be kind but it seems to have backfired because now she acts like she is entitled to do everything we do but at the same time not include my DD in things and enjoy excluding her. The party is just the latest thing.

I’m not sure how to approach this. My DD is hurt and is in her words “feeling used” by SD as she’s happy to hang out in her room, wants free reign over my DD’s things / clothes, wants to do fun things with us if we’re going out for the day but it feels as though she’s only happy to hang out with my DD if she feels my DD is getting more than her or it’s the best offer she’s had for that day.

For context they’re 11 & 12.

What would you do in this situation?

Honestly the more I read the more this seems like issues with not maintaining boundaries between individuals and families.

If you bought the balloons for her birthday celebration at your house then politely say “no the balloons are staying here for our party tomorrow” or let her take them because you are choosing to.

When she tantrums and ended up being dropped off at your friends farm the response from Dh should have been “we are just dropping things off and then heading home. If you want to see the farm (or horses whatever it was) we can arrange to visit when you are with us”.

No one should be using other people things or going in each other’s rooms without permission.

Your DHs ex shouldn’t expect to be invited to a party at your house.

All seems like a lack of boundaries.

Does your DS get special time alone with her father?

Also I paid a small fortune for a beautiful balloon decoration for SD who has now declared “My mum said I have to take this for the party”.

Did you say "errr no " or accept that as birthday girl she can do what she likes with her balloon decoration? As a parent I would be pissed off with the tone. Why couldn't she just ask to take the balloon decoration as it would be perfect for her party ?

Did your h hear her gloating this morning? I'd be really annoyed as her parent that she's not listened to the telling off which clearly wasn't effective if she's doing it less than 12 hours later.

Does your DS get special time alone with her father?
Yes they have a shared hobby, they regularly go off and take part in it alone.

if we threw a party for SD and didn’t invite ex and her other child then she would kick off.

Sd kicks off because she sees her mum doing the same and getting what she wants. I understand that your h may have divorced dad guilt and give in because it's easier but it's entrenching this kind of toddler behaviour.

**I’m tempted to rearrange our plans for my DD’s birthday to the weekend SD isn’t with us.

Do this. Then SD can't complain and if she does, she should swiftly be reminded of how she excluded your DD.**

^I agree with this approach.

@ForThePurposeOfTheTape I did say “it’s for the party here tomorrow”
SD said it’s fine she’ll bring it back, which I highly doubt.

Well, SD has shot herself in the foot as next time she demands to be included in something that is happening whilst she is with her DM, you can just say, you do some things at your Mum's house without including DD and we do somethings here with DD when you aren't here. End of.

I also think that you need to help your DD make some boundaries so that her stuff is her stuff and doesn't have go be shared by default. You DD needs her personal space respected by SD.

Does your DH spend any alone time with his DD as this is also something that should be happening?

Yes I’ve had similar situations too. I would also make your own DDs birthday without her SD, but in as non provocative way as I could. I’d also slowly separate out a lot of their ‘together’ time, or just not force a lot of family time all together.

Basically give them both a lot of space from each other. There are so many underlying emotional difficulties in step families, and the kids play this out in an immature way. It’s not their fault their parents split up, and acknowledging that they are bound to feel things.

It isn’t vindictive to have a party without her. But do tone down the talk about it in front of her. I’d also offer both kids the opportunity to celebrate their birthdays together by doing something Iow key just together if they wanted. But not force it.

[quote AlfieMoonhead]@ForThePurposeOfTheTape I did say “it’s for the party here tomorrow”
SD said it’s fine she’ll bring it back, which I highly doubt.[/quote]
Then say “no they’re staying here for the party tomorrow so they don’t get popped” or choose to allow her to take them and accept they might not come back.

Or rather your DH should be saying this.

@BluebellsGreenbells

I’m going to jump in and say I have three children. Two are twins.

Every birthday we’ve had a family tea, and cake and then they have always had their own parties with friends. And not invited each other.

This has always been the way and it works.

I would do this for your DDs party one to include SD and one for DD and her friends

Your twins have separate birthday parties and don't invite each other?

[quote AlfieMoonhead]@ForThePurposeOfTheTape I did say “it’s for the party here tomorrow”
SD said it’s fine she’ll bring it back, which I highly doubt.[/quote]
Just say no then. Sd clearly doesn't hear it enough from her parents considering her behaviour. I think you're fine to say you can take it home tomorrow but as we paid for it it's staying here tonight.

[quote AlfieMoonhead]@ForThePurposeOfTheTape I did say “it’s for the party here tomorrow”
SD said it’s fine she’ll bring it back, which I highly doubt.[/quote]
The child doesn’t get to make that decision. Your DH needs to tell her no.

I really feel for your dd, op.

It's clear that you're DSD is terribly insecure about her place in the family (and so I feel for her too) and like others I suspect this is not helped by her mother.

I agree with pp that your DH needs to consistently and firmly stamp down on any bad behaviour, making it clear the standards that are expected of his dd.

You may well have already had these discussions with her but I would explain that your dd has her own life as well and even if they were full sisters they wouldn't do everything together so kicking off because she sees her ss is out with another friend isn't acceptable.

Does she have much one on one time alone with her dad? I really feel for her, it must be torture to feel so frightened of her place of in the family, undoubtedly (i think) encouraged by her mum, and to be as unhappy as she seems to be. Its no excuse for bad behaviour, but it is understandable.

I'd implement firmer boundaries between her and your dd - for example, she doesn't have unfettered rights to your dd room and things - while being clear that this is mutual and works both ways between them.

I wonder if its worth your dh having a conversation with his exw but if there's nothing civil between them its probably a no go.

Oh and the balloon stays with you, unless her mother wants to reimburse you.

@AlfieMoonhead

No it was definitely SD *@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS* because SD last night took great pleasure in going into detail about how amazing her party was going to be and all the things they were going to do. Whilst my DD sat there crestfallen.

I took my DD out to get a Starbucks afterwards so we could get out of the house for a bit because I could see DD wanted to cry but wouldn’t in front of SD. As soon as we got into the car she burst into tears.

Didn’t either of you adults pick her up on her behaviour? She’d have been in trouble if I was the parent.

[quote AlfieMoonhead]@ForThePurposeOfTheTape I did say “it’s for the party here tomorrow”
SD said it’s fine she’ll bring it back, which I highly doubt.[/quote]
And you accepted that? From a kid? Sounds like all the adults in her life are allowing her to rule the roost.

The more firm on boundaries your DH is, whilst being consistent with doing things with her, the more confident your DSD will actually be.

I don't know any secondary school twins who invite the other twin to their celebrations with friends.

[quote AlfieMoonhead]@viques I did, I physically took my DD out of the house because of her gloating.[/quote]
But did you shut the conversation down by telling SD “enough” . It’s all very well supporting your daughter, which of course was the right thing to do, but you need to let SD know that her meanness won’t be tolerated.

@VodkaSlimline My twins had a couple years where they had individual parties and didn’t invite each other.

In fact one year DD1 went to the cinema with her mates for her birthday and at the same time DD2 went to a different event for hers.

They’re now joined at the hip, even chose the same uni city, but they’ve always been treated as two individuals and those times they chose to do different things it was fine.

I'm not sure it's quite as clear cut as others seem to think.

At 12yo I wouldn't expect a huge party. Maybe they're mutual friends, but the others are closer to SD.

So thinking about when I was at school. I was in a group of 3 girls, and we were friendly with another group of 3 girls.
Now one of my group did something with one of the other group out of school. So generally birthdays were just your set of three. But sometimes the ones who did something outside school added each other to the set. Sometimes we did things all 6 together.

They could be mutual friends, but your sd's better friends with them. And it sounds from your report that the talking about it was malicious, but equally well it could be that your sd didn't really think that your dd would expect to be invited, and was just excited.

Yes, I would organise your dd's party for a separate time, but then it would also be natural to have a family party with your sd. Exactly what happens with my dc at that age. They have a party with friends, and a family celebration with the family.

What consequence was your stepdaughter given for being mean and gloating?

You have a dh problem
He needs to stop this
I think when she’s here ,just do things with your dd ,and let her dad do stuff with her
Your dd needs a lock on her room to keep her out

SD said it’s fine she’ll bring it back, which I highly doubt.
Your DH needs to make every effort to remind her and ensure they come back.
If they don't, then you'll have the perfect excuse to stop things leaving the house next time a situation arises.

It might also be an idea to pull back from constantly including ex and SD's other siblings. You can still be kind and include them sometimes but not everytime.

Change dds party. Tell SD she can absolutely invite anyone she wants to her own party, and likewise so can your dd. So you don't expect to hear one word of complaint from her at not being invited.

Then definitely do as suggested, do not limit your dds activities or arrange them to suit dsd, and stop bending over backwards for the ex. Or rather, your DH should

Just because it's been smooth sailing for a few years doesn't mean it always will be. Your children are getting to the notorious tween and teen years. Whatever kind of siblings they are there will be problems.

It sounds like your DH is on board with being an active parent. Is he also willing to stand up to his ex? You two need to have a discussion about what you expect from and for your daughters, then sit them down and tell them. It sounds like DSD mum is also indulging her hugely, but you can only decide how you will deal with issues as they affect you.

Fwiw,I would just say a flat out no about the balloons. Children need to learn to hear and accept that they don't always get what they want or they will be very unhappy adults. Dsd mum doesn't get to say what you do with your belongings, not does DSD.