Excluding Stepsibling from birthday celebrations

[AlfieMoonhead]

Situation is my DH and I have a DD each from previous relationships a year apart in age. We’ve been together 6 years, lived together for 2 years and married for 1.

The girls generally get on really well, there were a few teething problems right at the start but that was over 4 years ago now. This was supposed to be our weekend with SD but her mum arranged a birthday party for her without asking if it was ok and basically just told us she was having her back today. No problem, we’re happy she’s having a party but annoyed because we’d arranged to do something ourselves today but we’ve had to postpone until tomorrow.

The problem is SD has invited her friends, cousins and excluded my DD. It is a deliberate exclusion as she’s the friends she’s invited are their mutual friends so it feels very personal to my DD and she’s understandably upset.

I’m aware she doesn’t have to invite my DD, it’s her party etc but she is also the child who cries and has tantrums if she’s not included in absolutely everything my DD does. Last weekend for example, my DD went for a picnic with her friend and the park across the road from our house and she posted on her private TikTok account a silly video of her and her friend dancing in the park and eating ice creams. SD literally harassed my DD for the whole weekend about it via text until her dad had to step in and ask her to stop.

Our friends bought a new farm and we popped over to see their horses (literally 30 mins tops) and drop off a card. SD found out and went ballistic to the point her mum dropped her off whilst we were there.

We (as in my DD and I) go out of our way to include her in everything and be kind but it seems to have backfired because now she acts like she is entitled to do everything we do but at the same time not include my DD in things and enjoy excluding her. The party is just the latest thing.

I’m not sure how to approach this. My DD is hurt and is in her words “feeling used” by SD as she’s happy to hang out in her room, wants free reign over my DD’s things / clothes, wants to do fun things with us if we’re going out for the day but it feels as though she’s only happy to hang out with my DD if she feels my DD is getting more than her or it’s the best offer she’s had for that day.

For context they’re 11 & 12.

What would you do in this situation?

I agree not inviting SD should not be to spite her. But this is really about showing DD that she can put a mark down to stand up for herself, and as a mother I would be supporting that.

I would do it to make DD feel that she doens’t have to be inclusive for people who exclude her, even if it was the mother. I’d also do it to give the girls some space as it sounds like they need it.

YANBU. I'd be telling DSD that your DD will be taking part in the birthday party, purely because it's not nice to exclude her, and that's that. Ask her how she would feel if DSD had a party and excluded her.

This could be getting worse due to hormones, and it sounds as though the step daughter's mum is possibly stirring things a bit as well... Is she a bit jealous of the relationship between her daughter and the OP?

The dad of both girls sounds a bit wet and is by the sound of it leaving all the parenting to the OP.

I think tempting though it is to do tit for tat, you need to take a long term view. It's in both girls' interests to be friends and it's also important that they feel equally valued by their parents. And as the people who chose to create the blended family, it's up to Op and her husband to ensure that happens.

I think you need to try and work out what's behind this, is it just bratty hormonal behaviour, is the SD miserable as she is jealous, or is she unhappy about something completely unrelated and just taking it out on an easy target? Whichever is the case, some firm parenting is needed so that both girls understand that excluding one another is wrong and won't be tolerated. (This will also help the excluded one, who needs to hear that the behaviour is wrong). Your daughter also needs to be protected from this, but it will probably be more effective to build up her self esteem than to play games. The old "I can't control someone else's behaviour but I can control how I respond" type of thing.

I think firm boundaries, a family conference to listen to everyone's ideas to resolve things, and supporting the daughter to deal with this, is going to be better than trying to create separate lives for them and put locks on doors, which are ultimately unhelpful when they probably need to live with this situation for the next few years

Whilst it is good that she has a key to go to her dads house and there is an informal relationship. I don’t think it is working and it is turning into situations where she thinks she is entitled to everything.

I wonder if sticking to set days and Eow would give her more structure and if the mother drops her off randomly because you are doing something and SD has seen you are somewhere she wants to be I would call her mother back to collect her immediately

Her dad should be having her EOW and a particular week day. Not this every weekend unless she is doing something better.

She sounds like a spoiled brat, and neither of her parents are parenting very effectively.

So DH waits a whole weekend before pulling her up on her behaviour?

And the mum just drops her off somewhere because she’s kicked off about not being invited?

Your husband needs to grow a pair and either parent his child or I would be reconsidering the relationship.

And if he doesn’t parent her now he’s in for a hell of a ride when she’s a teenager and thinks she should be allowed to do what she wants in his house, parties? Boys? Drugs? And he’s never disciplined her.

Your DD is entitled to have friends which aren’t DSD’s. Even if they were biological siblings I wouldn’t stand for this behaviour.

Only one thing though. At twelve I really, really wouldn’t be allowing your daughter to be on Tiktok. it really isn’t appropriate for children of that age.

It sounds as if your dsd’s mum is teaching her to train you and your dh. If you don’t get this under control, you will have a monster on your hands. You must find the word no.

Please have a read of this thread. It’s pretty long so I suggest you just select op’s posts. You get the idea of it after a few posts, so feel free to skip to posts from earlier today. This is a 15/16 yo girl, who hasn’t been taught boundaries or no. Obviously I’m not saying your SD will turn out like this girl. But your SD is getting what she wants by demanding and tantruming. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4116061-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-and-her-mum?pg=1

I have a 12 yo and she is definitely acting like a teenager. She is an only child and constantly compares her life negatively to that of friends. The spin and narrative is very selective and she seems to easily forget all the positive things in her life, failing to recognise she enjoys a far more privileged life than the average child her age. She is an incredible snob about our lovely, spacious home... It’s a horrible house apparently. 🙄

The job of a parent and that includes you is to create boundaries even when her mum cannot. I imagine her mum is struggling with her and the easiest way is to push the problem onto you so that she doesn’t have to deal with the behaviour. Teens tend to be pretty hateful and push against their parents. This gives her mum the possibly to deflect onto you, your dd and her dad.

I’m just remembering the recent thread asking if you were looking for a new partner tomorrow, how many children/mother’s would be your limit? I can completely understand why so many people said zero. I really couldn’t live like this.

Sd is jealous of your dd being with her df more than she is and is showing that by trying to take control.
Tell your dd it's fine to do things without your sd/her ss Don't react in the way she wants when she has her tantrums as it's reaffirming that's the way to behave to get what she wants,her df's attention on her not your dd.
As long as your sd gets plenty of time with her df,she should be told to respect your dd's bedroom and property as she expects her own to be respected.
And agree on consequences for bad behaviour with your dh.
It could have been the ex wife who vetoed your dd attending the party and as is revelling in rubbing your dd's nose in it,so take your dd out with another friend to take her mind off of it.
Good luck,can't be easy.

@InFiveMins

YANBU. I'd be telling DSD that your DD will be taking part in the birthday party, purely because it's not nice to exclude her, and that's that. Ask her how she would feel if DSD had a party and excluded her.

The party is at dsd's mum's house. Op should not drop off her dd at a party that she's not invited to.

I'd be tempted to take your DD somewhere lovely while the party was going on and ensure you posted lots of pictures on social media. It would be interesting to see if DSD still kicks off about that.

The party is at dsd's mum's house. Op should not drop off her dd at a party that she's not invited to.

It’s different though because OPs daughters other parent won’t be there.

Or getting a lock fitted to DD’s door and locking each and every time we leave the house. I’m sure that any of those options would go down like a lead balloon with SD, her mum and even my DH.

If either SD or her mum kick off, you simply tell them it's none of their business. Why would your DH object? His DD can't claim any sort of right to barge into your daughter's room whenever she wants.

@InFiveMins

YANBU. I'd be telling DSD that your DD will be taking part in the birthday party, purely because it's not nice to exclude her, and that's that. Ask her how she would feel if DSD had a party and excluded her.

She can’t gatecrash a party she’s not invited to where neither of her parents will be It’s different the other way round as one of her parents is there.

Ad a side point, if it takes them over six who would pay the fine? The mum certainly wouldn’t im sure.

What really stands out in this thread is how children are failed by lazy, selfish parenting.

This is why people think it's such a disaster when unhappy marriages divorce.

This is why people have horror stories of step children/step parents/ blended familys.

In this case there is not a single parent doing right by these two girls.
They are utterly being failed.
I have no doubt if they were asked, neither of them are happy secure children.

They are both victims of the choices/bitterness/guilt of the adults in their lives.

DD lives in a house with a jealous step sibling foisted on her.
She lives her life knowing that the whole house puts this visiting child first, even if she is really nasty to her. Neither her mother or her step father intervene in a timely manner, she just has to suck it up.
She isn't even allowed privacy in her bedroom as her visiting step sister is allowed to go into her space when she likes.
Bedrooms are very private spaces for teens. This poor child is allowed no privacy at all.

The step father allows a full weekend of awful harassing texts be sent by his daughter to his step daughter before he steps in.
He allows his daughter behave in any way because he is terrified of the mother of his child and his first duty is to look after himself.

The OP puts this visiting step daughter first.
So far ahead of her own poor child.
She bends over backwards to humour and include this child, who is never satisfied and allows her to be so mean to her child, to such an extent, she never step in for a whole weekend while her daughter was harassed with texts.

Step daughter is ruling the roost egged on by her mother, but is still unhappy.
She behaves appallingly, facilitated and encouraged by her weak father and her step mother who she has zero respect for.
Why would she have respect for OP?
She knows the OP puts her ahead of her own daughter.

At least step daughter knows her difficult mother puts her first, even if she using her to create havoc.

What an awful dynamic.

I feel so sorry for the OP's daughter.
I so hope her father is a decent parent who is giving her respite from above.

The interpretations: ' feeling used' and only being wanted when nothing better is on offer, sound quite adult and life-experienced thought processes to go through when you're not yet a teenager. Do eleven year old genuinely have a sense of being used? Are you sure that you are not projecting your own views on to this?

Your partner would have had the opportunity to have planned a birthday party for his daughter, too. Your daughter could have attended, and some more mutual friends. That way DSD would have enjoyed two parties, which is one of the benefits, presumably, of having two families. You don't mention whether your daughter had already attended a little celebration for DSD.

What was the outing your DSD missed when she cancelled to instead attend a birthday party in her honour, thrown by her mum? Was it a lovely birthday treat for her - or was it more a regular fun outing for all of you, which wasn't especially geared to his daughter's fave thing or in honour of her birthday. It would have been rude of his ex to get in the way of your birthday treat for her, but is that what it was? Because I wonder what DSD's mother thinks, and whether she thinks her daughter is feeling not as valued as she could be. I wonder if your partner is doing enough for his child, or whether, although you may not see it from this angle, the lion's share of his efforts and thought and funding are now going to you and your child.

I guess I feel that you and DH need to keep checking that your DSD still has a big part of his life, or else she will suffer emotionally. She might mask it with brattish behaviour, but she will feel hurt.

If you are always thoughtful about being fair, then you are right to look at strategies to curb DSD demands.

billy1966

I think you’re right. What a dreadful situation.

Hi OP. I have glanced through the thread and couldn't see if this had been answered, but is the rule of six the reason your DD isn't invited? Maybe your DSD didn't want to exclude any of her friends and knows she can see your DD regularly? Not fair I know, but it must be hard to choose what friends to see at the moment... maybe she feels less close to your DD (in terms of friendship) than her other friends?

As for her other behaviour, your DSD seems like a right little madame. Perhaps hormones? I think I was hard work at that age to be honest.

Why are you not answering any of the questions?
How did the girls have mutual close friends when they share no hobbies, don't go to school together and there is a year between them? Amongst other questions.
I think there is more to this than you are letting on.

@billy1966 what histrionics. The sd is a child. A jealous unhappy child at that. It doesn’t matter what the reality is, she perceives the situation in a way that makes her feel a certain way and therefore act a certain way. Her dads living with a mother girl her own age for goodness sake. You have very little insight.

[quote Ohdobequiet]@billy1966 what histrionics. The sd is a child. A jealous unhappy child at that. It doesn’t matter what the reality is, she perceives the situation in a way that makes her feel a certain way and therefore act a certain way. Her dads living with a mother girl her own age for goodness sake. You have very little insight.[/quote]
It doesn't excuse her being allowed to behave like a brat. There are two children in this situation, any solution needs to be fair to both.

The sd is a child. A jealous unhappy child at that. It doesn’t matter what the reality is, she perceives the situation in a way that makes her feel a certain way and therefore act a certain way. Her dads living with a mother girl her own age for goodness sake. You have very little insight.
What about the insight into OP's DD she didn't ask for this either. She's making the sacrifice sharing her DM.
You could say DSD has 2 DM'S in her life putting herself first.
Even DC have a role in the home it's unfair to pander to one.

Your sd mum seems to have deliberately caused this issue by organising a party without including or even checking it was convenient on a wkend when she is normally with you. The whole issue would have been avoided if she'd organised it for another wkend. Your husband x seems to be fuelling and encouraging spiteful behaviour in your sd. You and your husband need to have zero tolerance of this. It's difficult for kids with all these dynamics going on and for you and your husband. You don't have to include your Sd in everything your dd does, and she certainly dosen't get to demand it. I think
Moving your dd's party to a wkend when her ss isn't with you is the right thing to do to protect your dd. Sounds like she needs a celebration your sd won't have a chance to spoil. It's a consequence of her actions and a fair one for both of them.

@billy1966

OP, I feel so sorry for your daughter, being stuck in such an awful dynamic.

I think if you don't change your attitude of pandering to your step daughter, you are going to be VERY harshly judged by your daughter as she matures.
And rightly so in my view.

Your daughter may be appearing to say she is ok but she will have had a very tough, stressful childhood IMO.

Poor child.

This should be a big wake up call to YOU.

I have read all your posts.
Your SD clearly rules the roost.
She has zero respect for your daughters privacy.
She has learnt over the years that tantruming works.
She has learnt that you put her feelings ahead of your own child.
That if she kicks up you will placate her.
That she can be nasty to your daughter and you will stand by.
That she can be as demanding as she likes and ye will dance to her tune.
That you are more interested in keeping the peace than standing up for your own child, standing up to her father, standing up to her.

Your daughter has seen the above for years too.
Poor child.

You would be wise to stop behaving in such a helpless manner and take control of the situation.
Stand up for your daughter, put a lock on her bedroom door, stop allowing a tantruming child rule the house.

You should NEVER have foisted this arrangement on your child.
I feel so sorry for her.
Your daughter's home with the resident parent should be a safe place.
It certainly isn't for your poor child.

No doubt you will be outraged at what I have written, but just ask yourself this.

With the way your step daughter has behaved, you still allowed her to TELL YOU she was taking the balloon.

After how mean she was to your daughter.
After deliberately hurting your child, you allowed her to TELL YOU what is happening with the balloon.
I'd have burst that balloon before she would have told me she was taking it anywhere.

I repeat, your poor daughter.

Have a good hard honest look at yourself, then start standing up for her.

Your step daughter and her mother have rings run round you and your ineffectual husband.

I have two teen daughters.
There is No way ANYONE would be allowed to treat them like that in their own home, just so I could be with a man.

To be honest, I was thinking the same thing.

My DC come first and no man would ever change that. Like hell would I limit their life experiences and give them a worse childhood on someone else’s say so.

@updownroundandround great advice totally agree.

Stop teaching your daughter to be a doormat.