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Original poster

Excluding Stepsibling from birthday celebrations

384 replies

AlfieMoonhead · 17/04/2021 11:41

Situation is my DH and I have a DD each from previous relationships a year apart in age. We’ve been together 6 years, lived together for 2 years and married for 1.

The girls generally get on really well, there were a few teething problems right at the start but that was over 4 years ago now. This was supposed to be our weekend with SD but her mum arranged a birthday party for her without asking if it was ok and basically just told us she was having her back today. No problem, we’re happy she’s having a party but annoyed because we’d arranged to do something ourselves today but we’ve had to postpone until tomorrow.

The problem is SD has invited her friends, cousins and excluded my DD. It is a deliberate exclusion as she’s the friends she’s invited are their mutual friends so it feels very personal to my DD and she’s understandably upset.

I’m aware she doesn’t have to invite my DD, it’s her party etc but she is also the child who cries and has tantrums if she’s not included in absolutely everything my DD does. Last weekend for example, my DD went for a picnic with her friend and the park across the road from our house and she posted on her private TikTok account a silly video of her and her friend dancing in the park and eating ice creams. SD literally harassed my DD for the whole weekend about it via text until her dad had to step in and ask her to stop.

Our friends bought a new farm and we popped over to see their horses (literally 30 mins tops) and drop off a card. SD found out and went ballistic to the point her mum dropped her off whilst we were there.

We (as in my DD and I) go out of our way to include her in everything and be kind but it seems to have backfired because now she acts like she is entitled to do everything we do but at the same time not include my DD in things and enjoy excluding her. The party is just the latest thing.

I’m not sure how to approach this. My DD is hurt and is in her words “feeling used” by SD as she’s happy to hang out in her room, wants free reign over my DD’s things / clothes, wants to do fun things with us if we’re going out for the day but it feels as though she’s only happy to hang out with my DD if she feels my DD is getting more than her or it’s the best offer she’s had for that day.

For context they’re 11 & 12.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 17/04/2021 16:49

Siblings do NOT automatically behave in such a nasty way towards each other.

But then they are not siblings.

Just two children foisted on each other.

It's the type of school yard behaviour that SOME girls go on with when they really
don't like each other.

I genuinely cannot imagine a situation where a caring parent would allow another child to "literally harass by text all weekend" their child.🤷🏻‍♀️

The OP's husband eventually step in.

Not the OP.

Again, your poor daughter.

GreyhoundG1rl · 17/04/2021 16:51

Grumpy's got to the heart of the matter there, actually. They're not half siblings at all, they've just been thrown together by circumstance.

Happycat1212 · 17/04/2021 17:03

Exactly they are not siblings don’t know why people keep referring to them as sisters 😕

FranklinTennessee · 17/04/2021 17:05

Exactly they are not siblings don’t know why people keep referring to them as sisters

Yep, it’s very weird. 2 years of occasionally living under the same roof doesn’t make them sisters. If their parents split up, they’d go back to being strangers.

Billandben444 · 17/04/2021 17:05

I agree with most of the posts (even the harsh ones) but I think it's important to remember that your home is not your SD's - she has her home with her mum. The fact that her dad is married to you doesn't give her 2 homes. I don't understand why she has a key (does your daughter have a key to her dad's?) and I would try and rewind the setup so she becomes a visitor to your home rather than someone who lives there part time. Perhaps her dad can take her out on his own on some of her visits and I'd certainly let your daughter lock her door - not the SD's room though as it's not her home. She has a right to find your daughter boring but not to be unkind to her. Perhaps you could ask for the key back muttering something about needing to get the locks changed? As they become teens it will get worse but they don't have to be friends just because you're married to her dad.

Marty13 · 17/04/2021 17:08

Honestly when the horse farm thing happened I think your H should have driven SD back to mum immediately. Dropping her on you without so much as a text to let you know is unacceptable. Also if you let her stay and have fun with you, you're sending the message that her behaviour is okay.

Too late now but to keep in mind if it happens again.

For the rest yeah I'd definitely not invite SD to DD's party and cut back massively on including her. If she's there, she can come. If she's not there, tough luck. Do not communicate plans in advance so she and her mum can't plan to hijack whatever you're doing.

And do something extra nice with your daughter on the day of the party. This way if SD comes home to gloat your DD can say, "great, meanwhile I did this awesome stuff with my mom". Your SD will probably be miffed her plan backfired and she won't even be able to complain after the stunt she pulled.

HamAndButterSandwich · 17/04/2021 17:11

@Footloosefancyfree op said that DSD rang her dad who told her where they were DD didn't do anything wrong (sounds a bit like you're determined to blame DD). Both her mum and dad seem to be encouraging DSD's jealousy here. Her mum seems to be explicitly encouraging her by talking about fairness, her dad is implicitly encouraging it by allowing DD to force herself into everything DD does. He should have reassured his daughter that there'll be opportunity for her to see the horses another time but right now she's with her mum. By giving in to to her he's reinforcing the idea that the way she knows she's loved and important is by being included in every single thing DD does. This is only going to make it worse for DSD who is going to be preoccupied with what DD is doing. It's also giving DD the impression that DSD's feelings are all that matters.

luckylavender · 17/04/2021 17:12

I think it wound be very difficult for SD's DM to invite your DD to a party. And I'd be cutting SD more slack as your DD spends so
much more time with SD's DF. Very difficult.

Mamanyt · 17/04/2021 17:15

I have a sneaking suspicion that this is pure retaliation for the picnic, since that happened so recently. Tell your DD that you're sorry she is hurt, and arrange to do something fun that day. Then leave it alone. SD is a bit spoiled, and jealous that your DD now has "her" daddy. And at their ages, you can understand that. It is a childish thing to do, but both girls are, after all, children.

kirinm · 17/04/2021 17:18

If this was two friends, it would be unkind and spiteful - this is how bullying started for me when I was a kid. They aren't friends but as her father, I would be expecting DH to pull her up on it and make it clear her behaviour is unkind. Her mum might be okay with it but that says more about her than anything. Your DH shouldn't be 'upset', he should be making a point to his DD.

Happycat1212 · 17/04/2021 17:20

Yep, it’s very weird. 2 years of occasionally living under the same roof doesn’t make them sisters. If their parents split up, they’d go back to being strangers.

It’s very weird! I’m a single parent and I’m just imagining now meeting a new partner and him being a single dad, how does that make our children brother and sister 🤦‍♀️ And no doubt the children won’t feel like brother and sister either. If my ex met a new partner who had a child it wouldn’t even occur to me to invite that child to my children’s birthday parties 😕 it doesn’t even sound like they like each other very much!

Doghead · 17/04/2021 17:24

I wouldn't raise it with the mother, or make any more of an issue about it. But I would definitely stop pandering to the little madam and give her a taste of her own medicine. She doesn't have a divine right to be involved in anything your daughter does. Let her throw her tantrums and let daddy deal with them.

My stepdaughterwas a spoilt manipulativel little madam too. I was exhausted from trying to make everything roses round the door, so I just stopped. Concentrated in me, my husband and my, son. It made life so much better for us in the long run. She'san adult now and I rarely see her as she lives miles away. When she bothers to make the effort to see her father I leave them too it.

billy1966 · 17/04/2021 17:24

@Billandben444

I agree with most of the posts (even the harsh ones) but I think it's important to remember that your home is not your SD's - she has her home with her mum. The fact that her dad is married to you doesn't give her 2 homes. I don't understand why she has a key (does your daughter have a key to her dad's?) and I would try and rewind the setup so she becomes a visitor to your home rather than someone who lives there part time. Perhaps her dad can take her out on his own on some of her visits and I'd certainly let your daughter lock her door - not the SD's room though as it's not her home. She has a right to find your daughter boring but not to be unkind to her. Perhaps you could ask for the key back muttering something about needing to get the locks changed? As they become teens it will get worse but they don't have to be friends just because you're married to her dad.
Great post. Completely agree.

The OP's daughter as they grow into teens, will never know when her step sister will be in the house, perhaps bringing friends with her, as she has a key.
If they continue to clash what an awful situation.

I know she has a break from all of this at her father's home.
Perhaps she will move there as she gets older to get away from this dynamic.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/04/2021 17:26

" This was supposed to be our weekend with SD but her mum arranged a birthday party for her without asking if it was ok and basically just told us she was having her back today. No problem, we’re happy she’s having a party but annoyed because we’d arranged to do something ourselves today but we’ve had to postpone until tomorrow."

But it was a problem. Your stepdaughter thinks she can call the shots over your daughter because her mum calls the shots over her father Confused.

"Also I paid a small fortune for a beautiful balloon decoration for SD who has now declared “My mum said I have to take this for the party”."

To which the correct response would have been - 'No. If your mum had wanted balloons, she could have bought them. I bought these for your do here, they'll be here when you get back.' Because again - you/your husband let her mum call the shots.

Your husband needs to rein his daughter's behaviour in. You and he both need to stop bowing to her mother's demands.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 17/04/2021 17:33

@Happycat1212

Yep, it’s very weird. 2 years of occasionally living under the same roof doesn’t make them sisters. If their parents split up, they’d go back to being strangers.

It’s very weird! I’m a single parent and I’m just imagining now meeting a new partner and him being a single dad, how does that make our children brother and sister 🤦‍♀️ And no doubt the children won’t feel like brother and sister either. If my ex met a new partner who had a child it wouldn’t even occur to me to invite that child to my children’s birthday parties 😕 it doesn’t even sound like they like each other very much!

You're ignoring the fact that dsd involves herself in everything the DD does.

She wants everything all the time. The dd can't have anything alone, ever because dsd has to be there. But when dsd gets a better offer she drops her like a sack of shit.

They quite obviously get on when it suits dsd.

GreyhoundG1rl · 17/04/2021 17:34

No problem, we’re happy she’s having a party but annoyed because we’d arranged to do something ourselves today but we’ve had to postpone until tomorrow."
Why? Confused
Why would you do that?

Lassy1945 · 17/04/2021 17:39

I really feel for the children in this scenario.
Forced in to “family” scenario.
The SD is behaving like a child that hasn’t been brought up properly, and the OP’s husband shoulders half the blame for that.
The DD is being bullied in her own hone with simpering adults surrounding her.

The adults have let the children down.
And now the tension is rising

AriseMyPretties · 17/04/2021 17:42

I wonder how your DD feels when she sees her own mum appeasing SD who has her own mum for that already.

I have a couple of family members who had more or less identical scenarios to your own. One of the DD's demanded to go live with her dad instead and ended up cutting her mum out of her life completely. The other one's DS grew up bitter and cruel to his family after not being able to forgive.

stayathomer · 17/04/2021 17:46

I’m tempted to rearrange our plans for my DD’s birthday to the weekend SD isn’t with us.
I've read the whole thread but I keep coming back to this and posters saying give her a taste of her own medicine etc. Please remember she is a tween/teen girl and you are an adult. A lot of us were immature and selfish at this age and our lives are shaped by how people react and treat us. Honestly best of luck OP with all of it, hope it works out, it sounds difficult

Happycat1212 · 17/04/2021 17:52

*You're ignoring the fact that dsd involves herself in everything the DD does.

She wants everything all the time. The dd can't have anything alone, ever because dsd has to be there. But when dsd gets a better offer she drops her like a sack of shit.

They quite obviously get on when it suits dsd.*

But that’s different because the ops oh is her dad so of course she wants to be involved but why should the ex invite her ex partners new woman’s child to things?? Like I said I can’t imagine inviting my exes new partners children to things I plan with my children, they aren’t even related! Very strange. I think it’s weird people think that the ex is expected to take on her exes new partners child 😕

1WayOrAnother2 · 17/04/2021 17:53

It is up to your daughter whether she invites SD or not. (It is her birthday after all.) Don't force her to include someone who might spoil her day by being unkind but don't make a thing about it either.

(If SD complains, her dad might point out that not including your DD in the previous party would make it fair not to include SD in this one.)

Please take your DD out somewhere really special on the party day and make a lovely fuss of her. She is young and you can still make her sad heart happy. :)

MotherofTerriers · 17/04/2021 17:58

It doesn't sound as if your husband is managing DSD's behavior effectively. You need to support your daughter, nobody else is

Lock - or locking key pad for her door. No need to include DSD every time you do something nice. DSD is old enough to be told that just as she doesn't have to include your daughter, this works the other way round too. Ignore any sulks and tantrums, let your DH deal with them

Grapewrath · 17/04/2021 18:01

I’d do your family things together as normal and acknowledge that your dd and dsd are step siblings by chance and have no real need to have a relationship beyond this.
If I were you, I certainly wouldn’t encourage dd to include her in all of her plans with friends etc and yes, I’d probs my rearrange the birthday party too. Not to spite dsd but to demonstrate to dd that her birthday and feelings are the priority on her special day and she isn’t obliged to please anyone else

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/04/2021 18:03

@AlfieMoonhead - regarding the lock on your DD's door - I believe the best way to get around the possibility of SD kicking off would be to get a lock on her door too. Fair's fair, after all Wink - and then you could put it down to being so that each of them have privacy in the home.
The only thing I would suggest is that you have some kind of override, so that you and your DH can still access both rooms if necessary - I don't know if that's possible with keypad locks but hopefully you can get one that allows that - but only use it if absolutely necessary.

Do you think that would help?

BluebellsGreenbells · 17/04/2021 18:05

If my ex met a new partner who had a child it wouldn’t even occur to me to invite that child to my children’s birthday parties

I would agree, this is not how DSD mother see it though, and this is the messages she’s pushing forward.

I do wonder why this is her view of the situation, constantly challenging what the DD does and doesn’t include DSD in?

I think you need to look at your husbands behavior towards his daughter and his planning around her time with him. I would also look at how he tells her where they are etc with him taking any responsibility for making her feel jealous - the horse thing is an example - he could’ve said ‘oh we’re just out, we’ll be home soon’ rather than mention the horses.

Plus this dropping her round, out weekend but she’s not coming, blah must be totally confusing to everyone involved - why is she not here today? Why has her mother booked a party at there end? Why didn’t her father put his foot down and say it’s our weekend?

So many confusing factors here