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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluding Stepsibling from birthday celebrations

384 replies

AlfieMoonhead · 17/04/2021 11:41

Situation is my DH and I have a DD each from previous relationships a year apart in age. We’ve been together 6 years, lived together for 2 years and married for 1.

The girls generally get on really well, there were a few teething problems right at the start but that was over 4 years ago now. This was supposed to be our weekend with SD but her mum arranged a birthday party for her without asking if it was ok and basically just told us she was having her back today. No problem, we’re happy she’s having a party but annoyed because we’d arranged to do something ourselves today but we’ve had to postpone until tomorrow.

The problem is SD has invited her friends, cousins and excluded my DD. It is a deliberate exclusion as she’s the friends she’s invited are their mutual friends so it feels very personal to my DD and she’s understandably upset.

I’m aware she doesn’t have to invite my DD, it’s her party etc but she is also the child who cries and has tantrums if she’s not included in absolutely everything my DD does. Last weekend for example, my DD went for a picnic with her friend and the park across the road from our house and she posted on her private TikTok account a silly video of her and her friend dancing in the park and eating ice creams. SD literally harassed my DD for the whole weekend about it via text until her dad had to step in and ask her to stop.

Our friends bought a new farm and we popped over to see their horses (literally 30 mins tops) and drop off a card. SD found out and went ballistic to the point her mum dropped her off whilst we were there.

We (as in my DD and I) go out of our way to include her in everything and be kind but it seems to have backfired because now she acts like she is entitled to do everything we do but at the same time not include my DD in things and enjoy excluding her. The party is just the latest thing.

I’m not sure how to approach this. My DD is hurt and is in her words “feeling used” by SD as she’s happy to hang out in her room, wants free reign over my DD’s things / clothes, wants to do fun things with us if we’re going out for the day but it feels as though she’s only happy to hang out with my DD if she feels my DD is getting more than her or it’s the best offer she’s had for that day.

For context they’re 11 & 12.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
TrustTheGeneGenie · 17/04/2021 18:05

@Happycat1212

*You're ignoring the fact that dsd involves herself in everything the DD does.

She wants everything all the time. The dd can't have anything alone, ever because dsd has to be there. But when dsd gets a better offer she drops her like a sack of shit.

They quite obviously get on when it suits dsd.*

But that’s different because the ops oh is her dad so of course she wants to be involved but why should the ex invite her ex partners new woman’s child to things?? Like I said I can’t imagine inviting my exes new partners children to things I plan with my children, they aren’t even related! Very strange. I think it’s weird people think that the ex is expected to take on her exes new partners child 😕

I'm not saying the ex should invite her at all, I'm saying everyone needs to stop pandering to one child to the detriment to the other.
GreyhoundG1rl · 17/04/2021 18:05

But dsd doesn't actually live there, she stays over some weekends but it's not her main residence. I wouldn't be leaving it locked for days on end when she's not there? She has her full time bedroom elsewhere.

diddl · 17/04/2021 18:08

@GreyhoundG1rl

No problem, we’re happy she’s having a party but annoyed because we’d arranged to do something ourselves today but we’ve had to postpone until tomorrow." Why? Confused Why would you do that?
Because the bday girl is no longer there so they can't do it without her & rather than cancel will do it tomorrow so that she can still have some sort of celebration with her dad?
GreyhoundG1rl · 17/04/2021 18:09

Sorry, of course.

diddl · 17/04/2021 18:12

@GreyhoundG1rl

Sorry, of course.
I had originally read it as plans & wondered why not just carry on?
SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/04/2021 18:12

@Devlesko

Well make sure your dd doesn't include sd, don't tell her what she is doing then mother can't turn up. Get a lock for her door.
This.

For whatever reason SD is wanting to rule the roost here - she may feel left out, she may be jealous, she may be being manipulated by her mother or she may just be a spoiled brat.

It's very sad for her, but it doesn't mean that your DD has to put up with her jealousy and spite (and it IS spiteful, crowing about the party). You don't sacrifice the happiness of one child to keep the peace with another. Your DD is entitled to do things she enjoys without SD always being present, and I'm damn sure your SD is doing whatever she wants without a thought for your DD.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/04/2021 18:14

everyone needs to stop pandering to one child to the detriment to the other.

Exactly, Genie!

SD isn't top trumps.

ChocolateBarry · 17/04/2021 18:14

I don't think it's that uncommon to do parties, sleepovers especially without siblings there. I know our two boys wouldn't want the other at their birthday sleepover. We had one the other week actually and other DS stayed downstairs with us and we had a movie night whilst DS2 got on with it with his friends upstairs.

However, I don't think the way your DSD is behaving in other areas is okay and I absolutely don't blame your DD for now not inviting her to her own birthday sleepover, can't have things one way and not the other and I'd be explaining that to DSD when she gets upset about it.

Also don't stop doing things with your DD when DSD isn't there. Maybe I'm harsh but I'd never stop doing things with or stop my child doing things they wanted to do because my husband's child was upset about it.

GreyhoundG1rl · 17/04/2021 18:16

I had originally read it as plans & wondered why not just carry on?
Me too, diddl. Didn't think it through Grin

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/04/2021 18:16

"Not to spite dsd but to demonstrate to dd that her birthday and feelings are the priority on her special day and she isn’t obliged to please anyone else"

Very good point about centring OP's daughter, Grapewrath. And not just on her birthday!

diddl · 17/04/2021 18:19

@GreyhoundG1rl

I had originally read it as plans & wondered why not just carry on? Me too, diddl. Didn't think it through Grin
Easily done & then (imo) also to forget previous things as a thread moves on.
diddl · 17/04/2021 18:22

How far away is your daughter's bday Op?

Can it be left a while & then your daughter decide?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/04/2021 18:27

I'd have burst that balloon before she would have told me she was taking it anywhere

This was my first impulse, too when I read this.

I was ashamed of it because I thought I was the only one. Thank you for giving me the courage of my conviction.

I would be civil to her from now on, but not put myself out unless her snotty attitude changed massively.

GrumpyHoonMain · 17/04/2021 18:32

@SchadenfreudePersonified

I'd have burst that balloon before she would have told me she was taking it anywhere

This was my first impulse, too when I read this.

I was ashamed of it because I thought I was the only one. Thank you for giving me the courage of my conviction.

I would be civil to her from now on, but not put myself out unless her snotty attitude changed massively.

Me too lol. God we’re so vicious
HandfulofDust · 17/04/2021 18:37

The idea that you can't invite a step child to a birthday party is just silly. Of course you can, I know lots who do. The mum is an adult and can surely just deal with it. I know a number of people who have done this. If the two girls weren't really friends it would be fine and normal not to invite her to a party at her mum's house (just as you might not invite your sister). The issue here is that DSD and DD are friends, so DD could reasonably expect to be included. The even more ridiculous part is that DSD angrily demands to be included in EVERYTHING DD does, including a picnic with only one other friend. This is incredibly unhealthy and unfair on DD.

Of course DSD is a child who is probably being influenced by her mum who might be harbouring resentment towards her ex. OP can't do anything about the mum's behaviour. However her husband should be stepping up here. DSD shouldn't be ruling the roost. He should be ensuring DSD gets plenty of 1-1 time with him, plenty of attention and plenty of reassurance. When she throws a fit about DD doing something without her he should empathise that it's not nice to feel left out but he should also put boundaries in place and be clear that it's not OK to harrass DD who needs her privacy and her own social life. DSD probably gets outings and treats when she's with her mum. DD's life can't be put on pause when DSD is not around. DD's feelings need to be considered too, she'll get the impression she doesn't matter as they all have to tiptoe around DSD.

HandfulofDust · 17/04/2021 18:40

@GrumpyHoonMain

That's a bit much. DSD's behaviour is really bad but she's a child probably being egged on by her mum and feeling insecure about her dad who is spending time with a new 'DD' (from her perspective). I think it's possible to empathise with DSD while also putting limits and boundaries in place and protecting DD.

GrumpyHoonMain · 17/04/2021 18:41

[quote HandfulofDust]@GrumpyHoonMain

That's a bit much. DSD's behaviour is really bad but she's a child probably being egged on by her mum and feeling insecure about her dad who is spending time with a new 'DD' (from her perspective). I think it's possible to empathise with DSD while also putting limits and boundaries in place and protecting DD.[/quote]
She’s a 12 yo girl bully an 11 yo. The time for empathy is long gone. OP’s focus has to be on protecting her dd

HandfulofDust · 17/04/2021 18:47

@GrumpyHoonMain

Err no that's clearly wrong and if you acted like that you're not fit to be a step parent - this is a young child. You seriously need to grow up. You probably know this and wouldn't behave like that in real life (I hope). What would you do if one of your children was horrible to the orher? Just stop empathising? If you marry someone with a child the option of just having nothing to do with that child and not empathising with them is gone, unless you divorce your partner. Yes you absolutely need to protect your DD and you need to set limits on DSD, her behaviour is unacceptable. However her feeling jealous is completely understandable, the only reason it's escalated this far is because the adults in her life have failed to handle it properly.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/04/2021 18:47

Me too lol. God we’re so vicious

Some people bring out the worst in us.

ChocolateBarry · 17/04/2021 18:47

@stayathomer

I’m tempted to rearrange our plans for my DD’s birthday to the weekend SD isn’t with us. I've read the whole thread but I keep coming back to this and posters saying give her a taste of her own medicine etc. Please remember she is a tween/teen girl and you are an adult. A lot of us were immature and selfish at this age and our lives are shaped by how people react and treat us. Honestly best of luck OP with all of it, hope it works out, it sounds difficult
And the DD is a teen/tween too. It would be her sleepover, not the OPs so it's not an 'adult' is it? It's another child who's been hurt who now doesn't want to invite the person who hurt them to their party either. Totally understandable and I'd not be forcing my DD to invite her because 'im an adult'.
JosephineDeBeauharnais · 17/04/2021 18:48

The SD’s mother is a big part of the problem here. Nobody with any sense would jump into their car and drive their child to some random house just because the kid demanded it. She must have been very nearby as the OP said the visit was only 30 mins. So hardly even time for any full-on nagging. Just a coincidental call to the father followed by a fit of the screamers, mum speeding over there (how did she know exactly where to go), dropped the girl and left? What if the OP and co had left or were on the point of leaving? Nah. This is about the ex versus the OP with the DH in the middle. The DDs are a red herring.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 17/04/2021 18:55

[quote ThumbWitchesAbroad]@AlfieMoonhead - regarding the lock on your DD's door - I believe the best way to get around the possibility of SD kicking off would be to get a lock on her door too. Fair's fair, after all Wink - and then you could put it down to being so that each of them have privacy in the home.
The only thing I would suggest is that you have some kind of override, so that you and your DH can still access both rooms if necessary - I don't know if that's possible with keypad locks but hopefully you can get one that allows that - but only use it if absolutely necessary.

Do you think that would help?[/quote]
Or have a straightforward conversation that if she helps herself to things that don't belong to her she will lose her front door key...
Then get a ring doorbell so you can keep track of who's coming and going.

GrumpyHoonMain · 17/04/2021 19:02

[quote HandfulofDust]@GrumpyHoonMain

Err no that's clearly wrong and if you acted like that you're not fit to be a step parent - this is a young child. You seriously need to grow up. You probably know this and wouldn't behave like that in real life (I hope). What would you do if one of your children was horrible to the orher? Just stop empathising? If you marry someone with a child the option of just having nothing to do with that child and not empathising with them is gone, unless you divorce your partner. Yes you absolutely need to protect your DD and you need to set limits on DSD, her behaviour is unacceptable. However her feeling jealous is completely understandable, the only reason it's escalated this far is because the adults in her life have failed to handle it properly.[/quote]
If my child was being bullied by a stepchild and my DP was this ineffective I would leave. The DSD is not and should not be a bigger concern to OP than her own dd. The DSD has 2 parents already and will benefit from being reminded OP isn’t one.

GordonsAliveAndEatsPies · 17/04/2021 19:07

I wouldn’t be having that.

I know the fashion is that step children are included in everything and that there should be no difference in any way between how a step mother treats a biological or step child but I would have little patience with such a situation.

Your step daughter is behaving like a spoilt brat and at this rate will grow up into a cheeky fucker who will expect your daughter to bail her out/help her out/sub her (delete as applicable).

Your child needs to know she doesn’t have to be anyone’s doormat and it’s up to you to teach her that so if it was me I would be organising things for my child, in a way that makes her happy. As long as the basic standard of inclusion regarding your step daughter is met (can still come to your home/has time with her father etc), I really would let her stew in her own juice and tantrum about what she sees as unfair as much as she wants.

SpaceBatAngelDragon · 17/04/2021 19:09

@Mamanyt

I have a sneaking suspicion that this is pure retaliation for the picnic, since that happened so recently. Tell your DD that you're sorry she is hurt, and arrange to do something fun that day. Then leave it alone. SD is a bit spoiled, and jealous that your DD now has "her" daddy. And at their ages, you can understand that. It is a childish thing to do, but both girls are, after all, children.
The OP has explained that the DD's friend, with whom she went on the picnic, does not know the DSD at all. The friend is not part of the mutual friendship group DSD's DM has invited to DSD's party. There is no need for retaliation. OP's DD is entitled to a private life, where she can see her own friends as she sees fit. DSD's visits should be first and foremost to see her father. He should be keeping her occupied on these visits, OP's DD is not there to entertain her.
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