Excluding Stepsibling from birthday celebrations

[AlfieMoonhead]

Situation is my DH and I have a DD each from previous relationships a year apart in age. We’ve been together 6 years, lived together for 2 years and married for 1.

The girls generally get on really well, there were a few teething problems right at the start but that was over 4 years ago now. This was supposed to be our weekend with SD but her mum arranged a birthday party for her without asking if it was ok and basically just told us she was having her back today. No problem, we’re happy she’s having a party but annoyed because we’d arranged to do something ourselves today but we’ve had to postpone until tomorrow.

The problem is SD has invited her friends, cousins and excluded my DD. It is a deliberate exclusion as she’s the friends she’s invited are their mutual friends so it feels very personal to my DD and she’s understandably upset.

I’m aware she doesn’t have to invite my DD, it’s her party etc but she is also the child who cries and has tantrums if she’s not included in absolutely everything my DD does. Last weekend for example, my DD went for a picnic with her friend and the park across the road from our house and she posted on her private TikTok account a silly video of her and her friend dancing in the park and eating ice creams. SD literally harassed my DD for the whole weekend about it via text until her dad had to step in and ask her to stop.

Our friends bought a new farm and we popped over to see their horses (literally 30 mins tops) and drop off a card. SD found out and went ballistic to the point her mum dropped her off whilst we were there.

We (as in my DD and I) go out of our way to include her in everything and be kind but it seems to have backfired because now she acts like she is entitled to do everything we do but at the same time not include my DD in things and enjoy excluding her. The party is just the latest thing.

I’m not sure how to approach this. My DD is hurt and is in her words “feeling used” by SD as she’s happy to hang out in her room, wants free reign over my DD’s things / clothes, wants to do fun things with us if we’re going out for the day but it feels as though she’s only happy to hang out with my DD if she feels my DD is getting more than her or it’s the best offer she’s had for that day.

For context they’re 11 & 12.

What would you do in this situation?

@deliciouschilli

Why are you not answering any of the questions? How did the girls have mutual close friends when they share no hobbies, don't go to school together and there is a year between them? Amongst other questions. I think there is more to this than you are letting on.

OP explained the friendship group - the girls aren’t at school together, the friends are children of the OP and her DH’s friends.

OP explained the friendship group - the girls aren’t at school together, the friends are children of the OP and her DH’s friends.

This in itself is curious. Are these friends also friends with the ex wife? If not, then she's throwing a party for the children of strangers with whom she has no real connection. This feels like territory marking and game playing on the part of both the SD and her mother.

Agree with it being game playing.

Which of the girls is older?

I wonder if sticking to set days and Eow would give her more structure and if the mother drops her off randomly because you are doing something and SD has seen you are somewhere she wants to be I would call her mother back to collect her immediately

Definitely this. In a way echoing @billy1966 which is harsh but does have truth in it.

The SD being able to just call in when she wants is for me quite a big red flag. It’s about the mother wanting access through her daughter. I have rarely seen this be healthy parenting. My own SDs were allowed to do this and it really impacted negatively on my own children - we could never have our own time - it’s like the SDs ruled the home to be honest.

Build some solid boundaries around you and your daughter OP. Everything should flow from that. All your decisions, all your energy. Boundaries means no invite, EOW only no popping in, structure, absolutely no meanness allowed and your DD has absolute privacy in her room. It might be good to have a lot of separation even EOW for a while.

Yes, very weird, are these the ex-wives friends children? Is your DD the younger one? That would explain a lot.
Too many posts on here calling a child a Brat as well. It's horrible.

The SD being able to just call in when she wants is for me quite a big red flag

How sad that a daughter wanting to go to her fathers home as and when she’s chooses is considered a red flag. It’s much better for children when they can do this as they deserve a relationship with both parents. EOW is barely anything,

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss I’m happy to vigorously push this one, yes I would wholeheartedly and completely say that coming and going when you please between houses is a HUGE red flag. It has nothing to do with good relationships with both parents, and everything to do with rubbish parenting. Good relationships with parents, are when the adults act like parents, which is at the very least having some idea of where your child is and knowing when they are in your care. Parents have a duty of care first and foremost.

@Rejoiningperson

No way can you stop this man's daughter calling into her dad's house when she wants, that's her home, even if it isn't her main residence. She should feel welcome there. She should not though feel she has free access to DD's room. That is DD's private space and she doesn't go in unless explicitly invited. The mum's behaviour is clearly unreasonable but the reaction to that can't be limiting the girl's access to her father's home.

And if EOW isn’t enough, then both parents arrange more time. Simple. Arrange is the key word, as that carries responsibility and crucially everyone knowing where they are. Basic stuff.

Totally different though from saying to a relatively young kid that you can come and go when you please, with poor communication, very open to the poor kid falling through the cracks, very open to manipulation and power play too. My SDs did this and they were regularly ‘kicked out’ of their mother’s to our home with no communication. They could have been anywhere and no one would know. It can be a way for one parent to control another too. So so so many possible bad outcomes here! None good.

@HandfulofDust of course you can! How naive. The child doesn’t have absolute power over both parents to do what they like, go where they like, it would be very unfair to put this responsibility onto them too.

I have a list as long as my arm of all the bad reasons why going between houses doesn’t work. And interestingly, the OPs position is a classic case in point - the SD is being manipulated by her Mum and also being very mean to DD - so absolutely in this circumstance the OP needs to put up a boundary and structure. That her father feels that he can’t put down any boundaries is completely classic too. And as @billy1966 says it’s the DD that is being effectively bullied here by it. She needs some clear time when SD can’t come waltzing in, with her own Mum. As SD obviously gets clear time with her Mum without a step sibling walking in to her Mum’s house when she feels like it.

It’s just basic parenting really. Not living in a fairyland where mum and dad can feel like their kid isn’t really affected as look! They can do what they like as if both houses were really one. Well they aren’t! Foolish in most cases.

No way can you stop this man's daughter calling into her dad's house when she wants, that's her home, even if it isn't her main residence
No, it isn't her home. You don't get to have 2 homes and as her mum is (presumably) the main carer, that is where her home is. Once her dad found a new partner then boundaries should have been set - why on earth does she have her own key?
Where is the OP by the way???

IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I think the informality is great if everyone gets along but with it I think comes some blurring of the lines and boundaries whereby the daughter who lives in the house isn’t getting a break from this other girl who seems quite nasty. Also the lines have become so blurred that the mother of the step daughter doesn’t seem to realise when her weekends are and books a birthday party over the weekend her dd was supposed to spend with her father.

I wonder if a return to some more formal arrangements might be in order.
I do think if the SD had been a little less gloating and more thoughtful in her attitude to the dd I am sure this informal arrangement would have been brilliant. But things haven’t worked out so I think going back to a more formal arrangement for a while might be for the best. It is then enforced that if the dd is doing something then the SD cannot insist she joins in.
It really isn’t about the dd going or not going to the party it was about the nastiness and the gloating and the sd’s mum organising a party on the weekend that SD should have been with her dad

@Billandben444 You're being ridiculous. Of course you get to have two homes. Don't pretend to not understand it, you're clearly not that daft. Some kids live 50-50 between their two parents, they have two homes. Once kids are old enough to have a key they tend to have a key to both parents homes and be welcome in both. If I was divorced and not the main, resident parent my kids would have keys to my home and be welcome there. I would leave my new partner before my child wasn't welcome in my home, OP's DH would probably feel the same. If you're not happy with the DSDthere then make plans to move out. That's not to say he shouldn't set limits and deal with her insecurities. The situation at present is clearly causing her anxiety as well as being massively unfair to OP's DD.

OP how is your DH going to react to his DD not being invited to your DD party? Is he likely to just tell her it's happening and then just have her turn up anyway against your wishes or will he respect your decision? Did you say anything to him about allowing his DD to send those messages for a full weekend before he acted? I think a talk is needed to put your cards on the table, his head in the sand approach is not working and not fair on your DD to just be expected to take this treatment in her own home. His ex and DD are clearly walking all over your boundaries, are these people invite to DSD party friends with ex seperate from you and DH or is she marking territory with this move?

I think 50/50 is the aim but there has to be some sort of structure in which days the split is not 50/50 but if you are doing something interesting then I’m coming too or a parent booking a party on a day that her dd is supposed to be with her dad

As far as I've ever seen, the "blended family dream" is fantasy that even the (new) parents don't believe in - they just pretend so they can selfishly pursue their new relationship - after both throwing their last one under the bus.

If the kids resent each other, and both of you - and express it after they move out and are able to - don't turn round and wonder what happened.

I would actually consider a lock on DDs door for when she is at her Dads.

This whole thing could blow up tbh

Why would 50/50 be the aim? No evidence at all that it gives a better relationship with each parent, no evidence at all that it is better for a child’s security. These are just experiments.

In this case, there are problems that could really grow.

I am being a bit forthright in my opinions here as I’ve seen this and experienced problems growing. In this case there is a clear rule for one household and not the other - so it’s not OK - the SD can come to OPs house whenever, wherever - can go into DDs bedroom - SD’s Mum can send SD to Dad’s wherever -

But this does not work the other way. To the extent that not only can’t the Dad be as flexible back - send SD back to her Mum’s if he feels like it - but SD can have a birthday party at her Mum’s and not even invite DD.

So the key to both houses is just exascerbating the bullying and lack of structure. If everything was working well there wouldn’t be a problem.

Blended families don't work. Just accept that they are just strangers forced to spend time together and keep them separate as much as possible.

Rejoiningperson

Why would 50/50 be the aim

Because the current set up isn’t working

@FeedMeLotsOfCake

As far as I've ever seen, the "blended family dream" is fantasy that even the (new) parents don't believe in - they just pretend so they can selfishly pursue their new relationship - after both throwing their last one under the bus.

If the kids resent each other, and both of you - and express it after they move out and are able to - don't turn round and wonder what happened.

Throwing the last one under the bus? Wow.

You think people should stay in unhappy marriages for the sake of the kids then?

Putting a lock on your dd’s door should be an absolute last last resort. The message it sends it that dsd cannot be trusted. Has she been spoken to about boundaries? How about sitting down as a family and drawing up some rules. We have chap and wait rule in our home.

Your dsd has a key to the house, if there are any concerns look into installing a motion camera for “security reasons”. My camera sends a notification to my phone and I can access the app to see who’s left/arrived home and anyone who’s came into the garden.

“SD doesn’t want her here” and that was that.”

Your dh and dsd’s mum should be reminding dsd that whilst she can invite who ever she likes to her party she has to accept that the same rules apply to dd.

Support your dd in her decision to move her party.

It may be a lesson well learnt however be prepared for the drama that will follow.

How will your dh manage your dsd behaviour is she “goes ballistic” when she finds out she’s not invited?

How would dsd cope with dd being excited/gloating on the run up to her party?

What would happen if dsd decides to just turn up uninvited?

Is there an option to do something away from the house, something that has to be pre booked in advance - that way dsd couldn’t just turn up?

until her dad had to step in and ask her to stop.

Dd should be able to go out with friends without the involvement of dsd. Just as siblings do. The best advice you can give dd is to ignore all negative correspondence from dsd. She will eventually give up.

Did your dh ask dsd what made her upset in regards to your dd going for a picnic with a non mutual friend. I can imagine she would be lost for words as there’s no real valid reason. It’s easy to just give someone a telling off but bringing attention to their behaviour will help change their attitude in the future.

I think going forward better communication is going to be key. Your dh should be asking more questions to understand her perspective too.

I’m very mindful and conscientious. I try to include SD in most things and bend over backwards to be kind to her.

I think you sound like a wonderful step mum, but stop bending over backwards. It’s okay to do things with your dd.

I think you have a tough road ahead, dsd’s mind set needs to be changed but that’s up to her parents not you.

Siblings and friends don’t tend to be mixed at parties- in my experience it’s usually just your buddies, is it not the same for step siblings too? I haven’t RTFT but you might be reading too much into it and by retaliating making it into an issue when it currently isn’t?

My DSC have taken to doing contact on their terms, they didn't come for over a month and had DH and I agonising over what we'd done wrong and why they were unhappy.

Turns out they have teen hormone issues which is fine, but basically dad is just a cash cow and they come when it suits them, if we are doing soi fun/expensive or if they want something.

I have been understanding, made a huge effort and they couldn't give a shit.

I'm done. If they come, they will do what we do. If they don't, I don't care ( apart from feeling for poor DH who is really upset).

I will not walk on eggshells around them anymore and nor will I make a huge effort to please. I have my own DC, similar ages and I think because we have made so much effort when DSC are around -they think it's like that all the time, they don't see my DC being shouted at to do homework etc.

The problem is that they are bloody spoilt and they need boundaries, that DH can't give as ex undermines him. I give up.

When they are ready and need us, we are here but I will not run around trying to please anyone anymore.

It's difficult but I wouldn't go tit for tat with a pre teen girl. There could be many reasons why she wasn't invited (not that I agree) Does your daughter usually go to SD house to hang out? I'll bet SD is jealous your daughter gets to live with her daddy and she can't which to a kid that age is massive. Equally your daughter will not see it as SD does. Why would she? Its a complex thing.
I would get your husband to take his daughter out to do things, on their time. And you can plan something for you and your daughter followed by something for the whole family and alternate.
My daughter didn't know how to tell her dad she wanted to have 1 on 1 time with him as she had a baby sister there (7year gap) and when I tried to explain he told her no as they were a family so her 1 visit a week was stuck in or an outing to cater for the younger sibling.