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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

moving in with older partner

167 replies

Coco22222 · 17/04/2021 09:16

Hi everyone. I'm due to move in with my partner and his adult son. My partner is retired and owns his house outright. he is wealthy and supports all of his adult children financially. We expect to get married next year or late this year. I work full-time though he asked me to go part-time (which I will not be able to do). He has asked me to pay rent on the house and pay towards bills. Is this normal? I'll be worse off financially and moving to an area I would not choose to live in, longer commute for me and my 16 year old. He will be leaving the house to his children. It might just ne nerves but I feel a bit weird about it all.

OP posts:
ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 17/04/2021 09:19

That does sound weird. Love shmuv - keep everything in your own name! Don't give up your own assets.

VerityWibbleWobble · 17/04/2021 09:19

Do not move in with this man.

Stay where you are with your 16 year old dd.

DinosaurDiana · 17/04/2021 09:20

No. You will have no where to live when he dies.
Believe me, those kids will have you out fast when he dies.

rainbowthoughts · 17/04/2021 09:21

He has asked me to pay rent on the house and pay towards bills. Is this normal?

Yes. It is normal to pay for your living.

Would I move in with this man? No, probably not.

AmyLou100 · 17/04/2021 09:22

Are you serious?

ineedaholidaynow · 17/04/2021 09:22

How much older?

Do you currently have assets?

jimmyjammy001 · 17/04/2021 09:22

You are both financially unequal, he wants you to work part time because he is retired so obviously has alot of free time on his hands and wants to spend it with you, if he wants you to go part time he will have to subsidize your living costs, I.e a reduced rent, if not then you will not be able to afford it and have to stay full time

As for the house being left to his children, it is his house, he is hardly going to leave it to your children who are not his, but if you end up getting married half becomes yours anyways, just don't sign a prenup agreement or any other agreement where he protects his assets otherwise there is no point in you getting married otherwise it screws you over financially.

LolaSmiles · 17/04/2021 09:22

I wouldn't move in with him. As a couple meeting later in adulthood, I understand him wanting to leave his house to his children, but wanting you to move away from your area, go part time and pay him rent is a bit of a red flag to me.

NoPinkPlease · 17/04/2021 09:23

Do you currently own a house?

Lemonlemon88 · 17/04/2021 09:23

Well it's absolutely normal to share the bills. Can you afford to buy into the house so you will be paying part of the mortgage instead of rent? Are you selling your current home to move in with him or renting now? If you are getting married, you will be entitled to some of the house anyway?

TreadLightly3 · 17/04/2021 09:23

Doesn’t sound like a great bloke if he’s wealthy and yet he expects you to pay rent. Financial meanness is often related to other forms of self-centred behaviour which you can do without! Also the fact it’s somewhere you don’t want to live!

How about suggesting you buy somewhere new to live jointly? In an area that both of you like! Then you’re not sacrificing your future stability.

Creepygnochi · 17/04/2021 09:25

Of course you need to pay your and your child's way in life, but if he wants you to go part-time, he needs to be subsiding your loss in wage.

BuyYourOwnBBQGlenda · 17/04/2021 09:26

Well yes it's normal to contribute financially in a partnership. How much is he proposing you pay?

Original poster
Coco22222 · 17/04/2021 09:26

Thanks everyone. He is 14 years old. he owns his house outright. I don't own a house but would otherwise be buying somewhere for my girl and I and get some security (we lost our own house in the divorce from her Dad a few years ago). I don't expect to inherit or gain from the relationship, I'm just in my late 40s and want some security. Thanks for all the quick replies. Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Coco22222 · 17/04/2021 09:26

sorry - 14 years older! :-D

OP posts:
KoalaOok · 17/04/2021 09:27

@rainbowthoughts

He has asked me to pay rent on the house and pay towards bills. Is this normal?

Yes. It is normal to pay for your living.

Would I move in with this man? No, probably not.

Agreed its perfectly normal to pay towards where you live especially before you get married. Why does he want you to work part time? What is the age gap? What do you want to do? I wouldn't move in with him personally but I value my independence and wouldn't lower my income for no good reason.
KoalaOok · 17/04/2021 09:28

Buy your own place if you can

Frownette · 17/04/2021 09:29

I don't really understand his logic because surely you'd get some of the house if he goes before you and you're married?

I thought prenups weren't legally binding in UK.

BrumBoo · 17/04/2021 09:29

He wants you to pay more than you currently are, but earn less? What's the point? The inheritance factor is not the point, and expecting to pay towards bills is not unreasonable. I'd not move in with the man for my first point though, that just sounds like a red flag for financial abuse.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 17/04/2021 09:29

Paying towards the increase in bills is fair enough (although if I was very wealthy I certainly wouldn't ask this of my partner who has a son to support). Paying rent is weird when he doesn't even have a mortgage, why is he looking to profit out of you moving in? It's even stranger than he expects you to be worse off financially AND wants you to work part time.

Illberidingshotgun · 17/04/2021 09:29

Do you own your home? If so will you be selling or renting it out?

I'd feel uncomfortable about being worse off and you and your DS having longer commutes. Couldn't you stay put until your DS finishes school?

Would your DP consider selling and moving closer to you, or you finding somewhere new together?

Original poster
Coco22222 · 17/04/2021 09:29

He doesn't want to go through the stress of buying again and his 2 older kids visit about once a year and his house is big enough for that. None of his kids earn a salary. I have always worked and earn a good salary and fully expect to pay my way but it just seems like I'll have no security for me or my daughter. I'd been saving for a deposit to get a flat nearby so that I know she'll be safe if anything happens to me.

OP posts:
HuntingoftheSnark · 17/04/2021 09:31

I wouldn't move in with him. Definitely don't consider part time (I know you said you couldn't). Financial independence and that of your daughter in the horrible event that something happened to you is so important. You sound as if you are in a good position - buy somewhere and keep seeing him but keep finances separate.

Monr0e · 17/04/2021 09:34

How long have you been together?

Does your 16 year old want to live with him?

Personally if it would make me worse off, I'd stay put where I am and keep some security for myself and dd.

ArnoldJudasRimmer · 17/04/2021 09:34

Paying towards bills is normal, I'd usually say paying 'rent' as a mortgage contribution is too, but he is wealthy and mortgage-free, and crucially you'd have no share in the house at any point, so I wouldn't do it if I were you.
If he wanted me to go part-time, assuming I could and wanted to, I would expect to pay less in bills too so I wasn't coming out with less each month.
All in all, if I were wealthy enough to support myself and adult children with minimal outgoings, I doubt I'd even ask for financial contributions.