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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

moving in with older partner

167 replies

Coco22222 · 17/04/2021 09:16

Hi everyone. I'm due to move in with my partner and his adult son. My partner is retired and owns his house outright. he is wealthy and supports all of his adult children financially. We expect to get married next year or late this year. I work full-time though he asked me to go part-time (which I will not be able to do). He has asked me to pay rent on the house and pay towards bills. Is this normal? I'll be worse off financially and moving to an area I would not choose to live in, longer commute for me and my 16 year old. He will be leaving the house to his children. It might just ne nerves but I feel a bit weird about it all.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 17/04/2021 11:27

Living with him is only beneficial to him. Stay where you are and work towards buying your own place as you planned to.

He's selfish in wanting you to reduce your hours, yet wanting you to pay rent. Everything he wants, is for him. No consideration about you and your daughter.

Let him know moving in isn't a good idea for you and DD, as it means you won't be able to buy a property for her and your security.

If he in any way doesn't understand that, I'd be concerned that it's all about him and question the relationship tbh.

Sittingonabench · 17/04/2021 11:32

I don’t think it’s right that you are put in a worse place financially and he is in a better place. I would talk to him about it and explain. I would say that you need to contribute financially to the living set up but that you also need to have financial security for your child. The middle ground may be a nominal rent but half of bills allowing you to continue to save and eventually buy a property to rent out which would be your security if it all went wrong. At 1 year I don’t think you can broach him supporting his children financially - I would have an issue with it but that’s a difference of principles and I also think if it’s his money he should be able to do what he wants with it.

Rewis · 17/04/2021 11:43

Nope.

I don't have a problem with paying rent. You have to rent somewhere anyway but the rent has to be fair and take several things into account. Also it should me a that you have no reponsibilities towards the house. But he can't ask you to go part time and expect you to be worse off. I can also understand he wants his house to go to his kids. But this has zero benefits to you (unless the rent is more affordable than what you would otherwise get).

I think this is one of the situations where marriage does not benefit you or him. Can you Dave up and buy a buy to let somewhere? Also, are his adult kids healthy? Cause financialy supporting his adult kids does not sound great. Maybe you should just keep dating since it sounds like marriage would just complicate things

Mittens030869 · 17/04/2021 11:43

There is also the possibility of you ending up being an unpaid carer as he ages.

I agree with this, it’s actually a very likely thing to happen.

Char1tySh0ppa · 17/04/2021 11:53

If you are in UK, you need 35 qualifying years of National Insurance to receive a full state pension. Child benefit will contribute to this, but working part time may not be enough. You can check exactly how much you have paid & need to pay on www.gov.uk. secondly, do you pay into a private pension too ?

If you married & he passed away before you, wouldn't you inherit the property before his children ?

You need to protect your future & the future of your child. I would not give up FT work in your 40s.

I would not pay rent to him for a mortgage free property, but would contribute to bills

SwimBaby · 17/04/2021 11:54

I’d only move if you pay some money towards food and bills and are also able to save some money too. Then if you split you would have built up a little nest egg.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 17/04/2021 12:00

It doesn’t sound as though it’s of any benefit to you and your DC to move in with him at all. I’d stay where you are personally.

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 17/04/2021 12:02

What do you mean by you've been renting/camping?

There are loads of red flags here and I definitely wouldn't be moving in with him. I suspect you want to do this as you want some security but this man is not providing you with that. I can't believe he wants to pay rent, even if he owned the house I wouldn't advise doing that as you have zero security and no contract so could be turfed out at a moment's notice.

Do you honestly think this man is operating in your best interests?

billy1966 · 17/04/2021 12:02

Op, you would truly need to be out of your mind and beyond dim not to realise there is NOTHING in this arrangement for you and your daughter.

He must be very selfish to even suggest this.

Clearly he has eyed you up as his housekeeper and carer.

You rent while married to him?
Reduce your hours so you are available to him?
You never buy a property to provide security for you and your daughter.
Your reduce your pension provision because of reduced hours?
At the end of it he hands over his home to his children.?
You pay rent?
You are living in an area that doesn't suit you or your child?

Unbelievable.

There is absolutely nothing for you in marrying this man.

Be very wary of someone who is so obviously very selfish.

Buy a property in an area you like.
Remain in your own home.

How he could suggest the above with a straight face is amazing.

Does he think you are a bit dim?

Show him you most certainly are not.
You deserve better that being a nurse/unpaid housekeeper for a selfish old man.

Flowers
EmeraldShamrock · 17/04/2021 12:03

I wouldn't do it, it'll always be his home his rules with his adult DC keeping a watchful eye. No way.

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 17/04/2021 12:03

*wants you to pay rent

Sooobored · 17/04/2021 12:03

Does he want you to pay rent even when you are married? How does you going part time affect the arrangements? I also feel for your teenage child.

Why do you want to get married so quickly? I don’t like the sound of the wives/ex girlfriends not working and none of the adult children! What’s that all about? Odd set up that I wouldn’t personally approve of. Where do you fit in to this lifestyle?

MakingPlans21 · 17/04/2021 12:04

But your own place. He should not be asking for rent when his mortgage is paid off (bills are understandable) and he should not be expecting you to work part time. Enjoy your life with your daughter and making things stable for her. Date this man if you wish but that’s just it: dates. Don’t live with him. There’s no real future there.

SwimBaby · 17/04/2021 12:06

Where will you go if you move in and then the relationship breaks down?

MakingPlans21 · 17/04/2021 12:08

He does probably feel rather fed up of paying for everyone, kids and exes, so I can understand why he doesn’t want to keep someone else, but his approach is wrong.

Sooobored · 17/04/2021 12:10

What are your concerns about it all op?

MakingPlans21 · 17/04/2021 12:13

And he is raised his children to be lazy spongers. Doesn’t sound like a great step parental figure for your own daughter. You’ve clearly provided her with a wonderful role model. Introducing his lazy family won’t help her.

KirstyT79 · 17/04/2021 12:13

i had a friend who was 46 her partner was 67. they met when she was a teenager. all was good for them at first, but as the years went by he controled her more and more. the age gap began to really show and she resented him. it sounds like he wants to control you. you share things like the bills halfs on food etc. he should respect your decision to stay in full time employment. if you still wantt to move in with him you need to lay down your terms

MakingPlans21 · 17/04/2021 12:14

Just read @billy1966 post. Spot on! Very well said!

Charley50 · 17/04/2021 12:15

Definitely buy your own place and keep working. If you are still dating this guy in a few years and want to move in with him, you will have your own home that your daughter can live in by herself or you can rent out.

Mortgage terms are shorter as you get older so the repayments can be more so try and buy a place soon.

HalzTangz · 17/04/2021 12:22

@Coco22222

Hi everyone. I'm due to move in with my partner and his adult son. My partner is retired and owns his house outright. he is wealthy and supports all of his adult children financially. We expect to get married next year or late this year. I work full-time though he asked me to go part-time (which I will not be able to do). He has asked me to pay rent on the house and pay towards bills. Is this normal? I'll be worse off financially and moving to an area I would not choose to live in, longer commute for me and my 16 year old. He will be leaving the house to his children. It might just ne nerves but I feel a bit weird about it all.
It's perfectly reasonable to expect you to pay towards living their and bills
Silverfly · 17/04/2021 12:26

He must be either stupid or arrogant to think you're so desperate to live with him that you'd jeopardise your child's financial future and put up with a longer commute.

HalzTangz · 17/04/2021 12:34

If he is mortgage free then I don't think paying rent is fair. I do agree paying half a on the bills is fair though.
You should sit down with him and discuss this directly with him. Ask him why he needs rent from you when he has no mortgage (in this scenario rent makes you a lodger not a partner), if there was still a mortgage then rent to pay towards mortgage is fair.

KirstyT79 · 17/04/2021 12:35

@HalzTangz. its reasonable to contribute towards a house that your living, its totally unreasonable to expect her to put all her money into the bills.i reread the thread twice before posting and came to the same conclution that it sounds like this man wants to own her

Starborn · 17/04/2021 12:35

@Cocomarine

He can ask for rent and bills - of course he can. Why should you get a free ride?

However, you need to look at all pros and cons.

Given that yours include:

  • being worse off financially
  • moving somewhere you don’t want to
  • increasing your commute
  • fucking your 16yo over by increasing his commute too when he doesn’t even get to make a pro/ con list and a decision
  • and the big one: giving up your own chance of property security to do this

... I have to say you’re off you’re bloody rocker!

Just remember that living together, especially in post divorce relationships isn’t an inevitable progression. You are allowed to just carry on living separately 🤷🏻‍♀️

Agree with all of this, except the bit about asking for rent - blooming cheek! Will he be paying out for landlord insurance and issuing his future wife a rent book?

A decent man would not subsidise his kids' lives but expect his wife to subsidise him. You say it's a healthy relationship, but it still sounds like he wants it all his own way, and you sound very clear that these choices are not what you want. By moving in to HIS house, you could find that you don't get a say in anything, even where furniture goes and the colour rooms are painted.

I suggest you keep working full-time and delay the move-in for another year or two. See how things pan out over the course of that time.