Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

moving in with older partner

167 replies

Coco22222 · 17/04/2021 09:16

Hi everyone. I'm due to move in with my partner and his adult son. My partner is retired and owns his house outright. he is wealthy and supports all of his adult children financially. We expect to get married next year or late this year. I work full-time though he asked me to go part-time (which I will not be able to do). He has asked me to pay rent on the house and pay towards bills. Is this normal? I'll be worse off financially and moving to an area I would not choose to live in, longer commute for me and my 16 year old. He will be leaving the house to his children. It might just ne nerves but I feel a bit weird about it all.

OP posts:

stackemhigh · 17/04/2021 12:43

He wants you to reduce hours to part time and move to his area, both of which will cause you to be worse off. He sounds very selfish.

countrypunk · 17/04/2021 12:44

My mum met someone a few years after my dad left when I was at secondary school. He didn't move into our house until I'd gone to university. A year into a relationship is nothing. I would seriously think about the effect on your daughter of doing this.
When my stepdad moved in, he contributed to bills and a little to the mortgage, but now that the mortgage is paid off he just pays half of the bills. My mum has made a special contingency for him in her will so that if she dies first, he can stay living in their home until he also dies. We're all very happy with this - it would be unthinkable to kick him out of his home if the worst happened to my mum.
That your partner doesn't seem to have considered any of this for you and your daughter raises a lot of red flags. You must protect yourselves.

Bananalanacake · 17/04/2021 12:56

I would not have anything to do with a man who hasn't taught his children the importance of work and providing for yourself. I hope they have a very good reason not to work, or will they be looking when lockdown is over.

dontdisturbmenow · 17/04/2021 13:05

Are you sure he wants to marry you?

You've it been together a year only, he is wealthy, you want security, it all seems a bit quick really.

Nonmaquillee · 17/04/2021 13:10

Stay where you are. Does your 16 year old want to share a house with this man??

But as an aside: of course you have to pay towards bills - are you expecting him to fund you and your child?

C152 · 17/04/2021 13:11

I think it's normal to pay rent and contribute towards bills, but if you will be worse off financially, I wouldn't move in with him at all. I know that's so easy for someone online to say, when you must love him and want the relationship to move forward but...really, how do you see your life with him and how does he see it? Perhaps that's something to discuss, before you give up your job and move to an area you don't want to be (presumably further away from your own friends and family?).

I'd also be reluctant to move in with anyone when my child still lived with me and was under the age of 18, but this is purely personal.

If it were me, I would continue to save and put the money towards a house for myself and my child to, as you save, give both of you some security. Long-term, that is way more important than moving in with anyone. And move to an area you want to be, or somewhere that fits in with long term plans (e.g. somewhere that is likely to go up in value if you want to sell and get a slightly bigger place further down the line). As harsh as it sounds, if your romantic relationship doesn't survive this, it wasn't meant to be.

IamnotH · 17/04/2021 13:14

So he gets a paying lodger that he can have sex with and does the housework because they now work part time?

Can't blame him for trying I suppose.

SympathyFatigue · 17/04/2021 13:15

Bad idea.
After 1 year. Moving your child in to a relative strangers house.
Funding it at the expense of your own home.

What happens when he kicks the bucket?
If you're married are you going to be able to stay there? Or are his kids going to say righty-o wifey, our inheritance is thus house so time to leave?

Then what will you do, fight for the house? Be uprooted age 50/60+ with no chance of getting a mortgage?

This is a year long relationship.
I've had ailments lasting longer.
If you were single I'd say do what you want but your child deserves more.

Sooobored · 17/04/2021 13:16

What are your daughter’s future plans? Is she likely to move away and go to university at 18? Why not wait till then to move in/get married if you are still sure of him then?

DishingOutDone · 17/04/2021 13:16

@IamnotH

So he gets a paying lodger that he can have sex with and does the housework because they now work part time?

Can't blame him for trying I suppose.

I think this sums up the thread.

SympathyFatigue · 17/04/2021 13:17

@IamnotH

So he gets a paying lodger that he can have sex with and does the housework because they now work part time?

Can't blame him for trying I suppose.

Yeah it's like a reverse home care service, with extras.

SmokedDuck · 17/04/2021 13:18

That seems weird. Normal to contribute to bills but weird to pay rent on a house that already owns. You aren't a lodger!

A sensible idea might be for you to NOT pay rent and put that money away to have a nest egg if you need to find other housing if he dies, or your daughter does.

But you need to sort out about this business of what happens to assets if he dies.

eatsleepread · 17/04/2021 13:20

Normal to pay towards the bills, of course. You can't expect a totally free ride. But paying rent on a house with no mortgage? I don't think so.

CliffsofMohair · 17/04/2021 13:20

@amarya

So as a rich man he benefits financially from you moving in and you loose the chance of securing your future.

Absolutely, not to mention the children who never visit and don’t earn a salary.

Feather your own nest OP. Don’t risk any more instability for yourself and your DC and don’t give up work. You’d be mad to consider it.

dontdisturbmenow · 17/04/2021 13:20

So he gets a paying lodger that he can have sex with and does the housework because they now work part time?
Surely if he so wealthy, he's got cleaners.

You could put it the other way, OP has found a sugar daddy she can't wait to marry so she can go OT, enjoy abetter lifestyle and secure her financial future.

Assumptions can work both ways.

devastating · 17/04/2021 13:21

If this was me I would definitely not move in with him, but carry on with my plans to buy a flat for me and my child. I would stay working full time, and also dump my partner for suggesting a scenario which left me so vulnerable and badly off.

HollowTalk · 17/04/2021 13:22

Why on earth would you do this? He wants you to work part time purely for his own benefit. He's brought up his own children badly.

You and your daughter need financial security and you won't get that through a man, but need to save for that deposit and buy somewhere that is yours, that nobody can take off you.

You'd have to be insane to go part time and move in with this man.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 17/04/2021 13:24

@Coco22222

Thanks everyone. He is 14 years old. he owns his house outright. I don't own a house but would otherwise be buying somewhere for my girl and I and get some security (we lost our own house in the divorce from her Dad a few years ago). I don't expect to inherit or gain from the relationship, I'm just in my late 40s and want some security. Thanks for all the quick replies. Thank you x

Don't be foolish here, please! Buy somewhere for your girl and you and get some security. You can see this bloke without living with him or marrying him. Do not for any reason quit FT work for this man. He's not just looking for an unpaid carer but a paid one, you, paying to live wit this man. Wake up!

DishingOutDone · 17/04/2021 13:53

@dontdisturbmenow how is she getting a sugar daddy when she is the one paying?! I’m not sure the concept of a sugar daddy would appeal to anyone if it involved you paying to live in someone’s house?!

Kissingspines · 17/04/2021 13:56

If you moved in and it all went tits up in a few years you would be back to renting, but on a smaller salary (part-time).

He’s wanting you to go part time so you’ve time to do the cleaning and ironing while he is out playing golf, and have a nice dinner waiting for him when he gets home.

It’s all about what he wants, but what do you want?

If you want to buy a property, bear in mind that in your late 40s you probably wouldn’t be able to get more than a 20 year mortgage. The longer you leave it the less chance of buying a flat (and not on a part-time salary).

VegCheeseandCrackers · 17/04/2021 13:58

Red flags all over the place here, OP. The thought of paying him rent when he owns the house would be very odd for me. You're his partner and soon to be wife, not his housemate.
As PP have said if anything happens to him the kids will be taking their share and you'll be left with diddly squat. The fact he's asking you to go part time sounds a bit controlling too to be honest.
I would prioritise you and your daughters security and get yourself a place.

dontdisturbmenow · 17/04/2021 14:15

how is she getting a sugar daddy when she is the one paying
Because clearly it wasn't what OP was expecting.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 17/04/2021 14:25

@Kissingspines

If you moved in and it all went tits up in a few years you would be back to renting, but on a smaller salary (part-time).

He’s wanting you to go part time so you’ve time to do the cleaning and ironing while he is out playing golf, and have a nice dinner waiting for him when he gets home.

It’s all about what he wants, but what do you want?

This. You need to put your daughter's and your financial security ahead of any man. Your first obligation is to her and yourself. That means never jacking in FT working, earning, pension contributions and the chance to own a property for a guy - and moving in with him is not marriage. You do this and don't jump to his tune the whole 'we expect to be married' means diddly and he can throw you out.

I'll be worse off financially and moving to an area I would not choose to live in, longer commute for me and my 16 year old. He will be leaving the house to his children.

Who would do this to their 16-year-old? Take them away from the area they live in and face a longer and most costly and time consuming commute to go shack up with a boyfriend? Honestly. Why on EARTH would anyone make themselves financially worse off for some guy?!

Wake up, put yourself and child first. Say NO, this won't be happening. I like the area I live in, working FT, I need to prioritise my child and finances so if you're no longer happy carrying on as we are then it's time to part ways.

It's unbelievable that anyone would even contemplate accepting this sort of offer.

pallisers · 17/04/2021 14:33

there is nothing in that plan that will benefit you and your daughter. it is all for his benefit.

Continue with the plan you had - buy a small place for you and your daughter, continue working in the job you like, let your daughter have her current commute to school/college. See where the relationship goes after that.

I may be cynical but I doubt very much if the wedding will happen after you move in with him. why would it?

dontdisturbmenow · 17/04/2021 14:39

there is nothing in that plan that will benefit you and your daughter. it is all for his benefit
In the short term. In the long term, if married, OP has a more to gain than him.

Say NO, this won't be happening
This. It's much too early on both sides. 1 year is short when you are 20, it's stupidly so when you are in your 40/50s with a life built up behind you.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7