moving in with older partner

[Coco22222]

Hi everyone. I'm due to move in with my partner and his adult son. My partner is retired and owns his house outright. he is wealthy and supports all of his adult children financially. We expect to get married next year or late this year. I work full-time though he asked me to go part-time (which I will not be able to do). He has asked me to pay rent on the house and pay towards bills. Is this normal? I'll be worse off financially and moving to an area I would not choose to live in, longer commute for me and my 16 year old. He will be leaving the house to his children. It might just ne nerves but I feel a bit weird about it all.

There is also the possibility of you ending up being an unpaid carer as he ages.

I think you need to treat this financially as a lodger/landlord setup. If you split or he dies then thats the end of the arrangement and you walk away with nothing. Look at what would be reasonable to pay rent in your area for this sort of setup and make sure you're not paying over this amount. If you want more security and you're in a position to, then buy for yourself and visit each others places. As for him supporting 3 adult unemployed children (did I read this right?) that would seriously piss me off. I wouldn't want to become financially entwined with that.

I agree with Lola, I would not be giving up my home to live in someone elses who is then expecting you to go part-time to suit him. You say this will leave you in more financial difficulty, so why is he asking you to do this? It might also leave you worse off pension wise. Once you move in, what else will he expect you to give up. I understand him expecting you to contribute to bills, but if the mortgage is paid off and he owns it outright, why charge rent? Moreso since you will be a married couple. You do need to find out how secure you would be if he dies before you. How well do you get on with his family? I can tell you everything changes when someone dies, especially where money or property is involved. I'd think very carefully about this move. I really am uneasy about him wanting you to be financially worse off, that can also be a measure of control.

You've only been together a year? How often has your dd met him? Please don't unsettle her again by moving her into a house with a man she hardly knows and no friends around her.

Was it his idea? I'm guessing I would be very convenient for him whilst involving a lot of upheaval and compromise on your part.

What about your own pension, what provisions have you made?

How does your daughter feel about moving?

A year Is not long enough for you to uproot your lives for this man

I absolutely would not do this.
Paying rent to live with a friend - yes.
Paying rent to your wealthy, mortgage-free HUSBAND - no way!
If he was struggling and had rent/mortgage to pay then, yes. But he isn't.
You're enhancing his kids' inheritance to the detriment of your own child.
Also, if he's not uber wealthy, sharing everything (with this in writing) why on earth would he want you to go part-time? Very odd.
Please think carefully before doing this.

Your moving in and contributing to your home seems fair. If you can’t afford it or it seems unreasonable speak to him

Actually, I think @jellyfrizz has hit the nail on the head.
You would be crazy to do this.

Far too early to be moving in. Your DD will barely know him, why the upheaval? Terrible idea.

I think you need to treat this financially as a lodger/landlord setup. If you split or he dies then thats the end of the arrangement and you walk away with nothing. Look at what would be reasonable to pay rent in your area for this sort of setup and make sure you're not paying over this amount

It’s impossible to do this though when you actually think past the money side. If he’s a landlord, he should be providing her with a rental contract, so that she gets her rights as a renter, otherwise there is no lodger/landlord set up. And should she get money off for having to share a bed with her landlord? Will he agree to make repairs and replacements from his own pocket? Will he make sure there’s a yearly gas safety inspection?

I don't understand- if he wants you to pay him rent how is he reconciling this with wanting you to go part-time? And why does he want you to go part time anyway - is he hoping you'll be waiting on him hand and foot so won't have time to work full-time or something?

You’ve been together only a year? Please don’t do this to your daughter. She needs stability for you and her. You haven’t said how she feels about moving in with this man (or forgive me if I’ve missed it)

Sorry op but what the fuck are you thinking?
Protect yourself and YOUR child. Go buy your own home away from this man and his sponging adult offspring.

Not only does he expect you to give him more than you should making you worse off, but then wanting you to reduce your earnings too? WTF.

Contribute to bills, yes, pay rent on a mortgage free house you and your child will get kicked out of the second he dies? Not a fucking chance. I bet his son doesn't bloody contribute does he.

Does your 16 year old DD want to move in with 2 men? Doubt it.

He is using you to fund his own children ffs. Do not marry this man. As someone else said, he probably has less wealth than you think. You will be much worse off, especially if everything is left to them.

Think about your future. Protect yourself and your child, and then have a relationship on an equal footing.

Buy the flat - it's absolutely the sensible thing to do. (Can you imagine a man deciding not to buy property in their own name, but instead to move into a partner's house in a less convenient area and pay rent instead? I can't.)

Thanks everyone, sincerely, thank you. It's easy to feel like I'm going mad or being unreasonable. I very grateful to you all. x

Buy somewhere for you and your dd. His priority is funding his own dc... Make yours the same goal.

OP thinking about what you’ve said about your first marriage I wonder if you feel you have to surrender financially to a man? Because it sounds like this relationship is just as unequal as your first - he holds all the money and power and you make all the sacrifice.

Put your daughter first.

I think you will regret it if you move in with him. Get your own place while you can. The main thing to worry about is your security in the future. If he dies, and you live with him, you will lose your home, and if (when) that happens, you may be beyond the age when you want to (or are able to)take on a mortgage. Do it now, while you can. Believe me when I tell you that the next 25 years will pass much more quickly than you think, and you do NOT want to be paying rent when you are retired. You don't have to live with him to have a relationship.

What is currently making you think it would be good to live together after just a year?

What would be better for you and your child compared to the current situation?

All that is coming across just now is massive negatives.

I don't think it sounds like a good idea at all.

Dp and I decided to move in together after about 4 years, I think. My children knew her fairly well by then. We had all had lots of holidays together. We knew we had compatible approaches to finances etc. It took us another year to buy somewhere together.

Neither of us could have bought a place alone.

Even after 5 years it felt like quite a big decision and I did worry about the children adjusting.

You just sound OK as you are. You like your job. You are on the way to property ownership. That would mean an inheritance for your dd, potentially.

An alternative scenario might be:

You keep saving up for a house.
You buy it and move in with your child.
She stays in it and pays you rent equivalent to 3/4 of mortgage (or whatever is fair) so she doesn't have to move in with this guy if she doesn't want to.
You move in with him and use your income to keep paying maintenance on your property.
You stay full time because you enjoy your job.

It can be hard to work out what should happen in a healthy relationship but one key thing is that there is compromise and that you feel confident to speak out if something will disadvantage you.

What does your daughter think of moving in? I think it's reasonable that he is asking you to pay money towards bills, perhaps rent not so much. You can buy an investment property to cover yourself. I'd also be having a chat about what finances look like when you get married.

You are only 40 years old. It would be unwise to form a long term relationship with someone who didn't want an equal partnership with you going forwards (and that includes financially). If things work out you might spend the next 30 years with this man and that can't possibly work if you are living in "his" house paying rent and not able to work full time so you can start to build up your own assets. I think in this situation I'd want to make a new start with someone on a more equal footing.

I have a step mum who met my (older) dad when she was 40. Things have worked out very well for them. They bought a new home between them and my understand is if anything happens to either of them then the house will go to the other spouse. This is their shared asset and it gives the other stability and financial security. They have been together 30 years now which is longer than either of their first marriages. Children are obviously important but provision can be made for them through carefully drafted wills etc. It's probably worth getting some legal advice so you know where you stand and how to negotiate what's best for you and your child.

Oh hell no, OP. You've been dating all this time, you can carry on doing that. You'd be shackling yourself to this man, to your child's future detriment for absolutely no good reason. Just don't.

If he owns the house outright why is he charging his wife to be rent? I find that strange. I get bills, but rent?

Why would you move a 16 year old girl into a house with two grown adult men?

Especially one that she and you can be kicked out of with no notice.

Ridiculous that you’d even consider this.

Stay full time. Contribute to bills proportionatley to your means and his. Why would you pay rent to live in a house which is owned outright? He's trying to make a profit off you, his supposed fiance? Nope.