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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

moving in with older partner

167 replies

Coco22222 · 17/04/2021 09:16

Hi everyone. I'm due to move in with my partner and his adult son. My partner is retired and owns his house outright. he is wealthy and supports all of his adult children financially. We expect to get married next year or late this year. I work full-time though he asked me to go part-time (which I will not be able to do). He has asked me to pay rent on the house and pay towards bills. Is this normal? I'll be worse off financially and moving to an area I would not choose to live in, longer commute for me and my 16 year old. He will be leaving the house to his children. It might just ne nerves but I feel a bit weird about it all.

OP posts:
OolieMacdoolie · 17/04/2021 09:35

I wouldn’t move in under these circumstances. Paying him rent gives you no security - if the relationship goes wrong you will be left with nothing, while you could have been paying for your own place and building up equity.

I think you should tell him that either you both sign a legal agreement which protects your ‘share’ of equity in his house based on the rent you pay, or you get married, or you stay living apart. You’re absolutely right to be wary of this, and of course your priority has to be protecting your daughter.

takealettermsjones · 17/04/2021 09:36

Paying your share of the costs is normal. Paying him rent to live there when he owns the house with no mortgage is not the same thing - you would be renting half a bedroom from your (future) husband, to his profit and your detriment. That is weird.

nimbuscloud · 17/04/2021 09:36

What does your dd think?

Frownette · 17/04/2021 09:37

I'd hold off on this for the time being.

It's good you want to keep your job. How is your relationship generally?

Selttan · 17/04/2021 09:37

Paying towards bills etc I think is fair but I wouldn't be going part time.

If you could live with him and purchase a property to rent out that you could afford on your salary to live in, then you'd have something to fall back on in case things didn't work out.

Neolara · 17/04/2021 09:37

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't sign up for that OP. Obviously, the aim is that you and do get married and live happily ever after. But what happens if it doesn't work out. The proposed set up would leave you in a very difficult position - no equity in a house, reduced wage and presumably reduced capacity to save for a house deposit. And if your dp / DH dies, then I suspect others are right, and you would be asked to leave the house unless you were given the option to stay in the house for life in you dh's will.

Cocomarine · 17/04/2021 09:38

He can ask for rent and bills - of course he can. Why should you get a free ride?

However, you need to look at all pros and cons.

Given that yours include:

  • being worse off financially
  • moving somewhere you don’t want to
  • increasing your commute
  • fucking your 16yo over by increasing his commute too when he doesn’t even get to make a pro/ con list and a decision
  • and the big one: giving up your own chance of property security to do this

... I have to say you’re off you’re bloody rocker!

Just remember that living together, especially in post divorce relationships isn’t an inevitable progression. You are allowed to just carry on living separately 🤷🏻‍♀️

KoalaOok · 17/04/2021 09:38

I cross posted with where you said he owns his home outright. In that case I don't think it's right he profits of you staying. You are not a lodger.

amarya · 17/04/2021 09:39

So as a rich man he benefits financially from you moving in and you loose the chance of securing your future. Confused

Illberidingshotgun · 17/04/2021 09:40

Definitely continue with your plans to get your own place.

Why do none of his children work? It all sounds rather odd tbh. It's also odd that he wants to charge you rent (contribution to bills absolutely fair enough), even though he doesn't pay a mortgage. I can only think that it is the same reason that I was advised to do that years ago, that you are then technically a lodger and not a partner, although obviously if you marry then that changes anyway. Tread carefully, and keep your independence for now. How long have you been together?

UCOinanOCG · 17/04/2021 09:41

This sounds very odd indeed. You would think that someone who loves you and wants to share his life and home with you and who is very wealthy would not be wanting you to pay rent. I also find it odd that he gives his sons money to live on so they don't need to work. He must be very wealthy indeed. I think paying towards bills is perfectly fair though. I dont' think I would marry this man and move in with him. Buy a house for you and your DD and maintain your relationship on a more casual basis.

Fgs1 · 17/04/2021 09:41

The fact you're posting here, you know it's not in your best interests to do so. The fact he is asking for rent despite owning his own property outright and wants you to go part time makes me think there is a controlling element there. You probably won't see the full extent of this controlling behaviour until you give up all your own security and are put in a very vulnerable position- don't do it.

VerityWibbleWobble · 17/04/2021 09:41

So as a rich man he benefits financially from you moving in and you loose the chance of securing your future.

I'd hazard a guess he's not quite as rich as op thinks.

He bankrolls adult children that don't work (that worrying in itself) so if he was as rich as made out, why would he need an income from outside.

I get the feeling he doesn't have the Op's best interests at heart.

Shelby2010 · 17/04/2021 09:42

He really wants it all his own way, doesn’t he? If you are working & have a child in education, then he should be the one moving nearer to you. If he’s retired he’ll have the time to deal with all the moving admin etc.

I think you need to be very careful about throwing away your financial independence for no gain. He’s quite rightly looking out for his children in the future, you need to do the same for your child.

Justgorgeous · 17/04/2021 09:43

Buy your own house !

FeatheredHope · 17/04/2021 09:43

Out of curiosity, how long have you been together?

CrotchetyQuaver · 17/04/2021 09:43

You need to thrash this out with him. He wants you to go part time so you can spend more time with him but still pay a presumably fair rent at the same time. Which I guess will leave you with close to nothing. That is not a good deal.

The others are right when they say those adult kids of his will have you out in no time once he's gone. You would be better buying your own place rather than moving in with him if you want security...

Original poster
Coco22222 · 17/04/2021 09:45

Thanks everyone. We've been a couple for a year and it is a healthy relationship (probably my first. I was with her Dad for almost 28 years as breadwinner and a very controlling relationship). Thank you all. I'm taking stock. His ex wife and ex girlfriend didn't have to work and quite entirely. I love my job and like being independent. I'm used to having a lot of time for myself and my daughter and I. I need space to work at home too. a lot to think on. I appreciate all your advice and time. Thank you xxx

OP posts:
Taikoo · 17/04/2021 09:45

You'd be crazy to move in with him.
He stands to benefit far more than you and he gets his hole more regularly.
Win win for him.
Stay well away.
Do not move in with him ever.

Trisolaris · 17/04/2021 09:46

The key thing is that you should both be made better off by the arrangement,

So, as he is mortgage free, the most you should be paying is a contribution towards the bills.

That way both of your living costs will go down, you could invest in a BTL for you and your daughters future and he can still secure his property for his children. Everyone wins.

His current suggestion is all weighted in his favour.

DoingItMyself · 17/04/2021 09:47

Keep your own place, buy if you can, for stability for you and your dd.
Don't move in with him - it will limit you and give him more power over you.
Whilst yes, people should and do pay their way, he's supporting adult children. If he really wanted you around, he'd be supporting you, too.

Don't do it. Protect yourself and your dd.

Original poster
Coco22222 · 17/04/2021 09:47

sorry i wasn't clear, I mean I was the breadwinner and my ex was at home when our daughter was small then worked part-time. 6 years on i still miss our little house that was ours. My daughter and I have been renting / camping since then. I need a solid base. thanks everyone.

OP posts:
NormanStangerson · 17/04/2021 09:49

Sounds like he’s protecting the financial interests of his freeloading adult children. But this will come at the direct cost of your own daughter. Don’t do it.

Naunet · 17/04/2021 09:51

How much rent does he want you to pay? A small token amount, or full market rate? Is he going to provide you with a rental contract, or does he want to retain his full rights to kick you out at a moments notice whilst playing landlord?

I think it would be very unwise of you, you would be giving up so much security. Have you pointed this out to him?

Newkitchen123 · 17/04/2021 09:52

My husband moved in to my house that I own outright. He contributes in lots of ways financially but it wouldn't occur to me to charge rent! I don't want to profit from the man I love living with me.
Get your own place for your own security