moving in with older partner

[Coco22222]

Hi everyone. I'm due to move in with my partner and his adult son. My partner is retired and owns his house outright. he is wealthy and supports all of his adult children financially. We expect to get married next year or late this year. I work full-time though he asked me to go part-time (which I will not be able to do). He has asked me to pay rent on the house and pay towards bills. Is this normal? I'll be worse off financially and moving to an area I would not choose to live in, longer commute for me and my 16 year old. He will be leaving the house to his children. It might just ne nerves but I feel a bit weird about it all.

Don't move in. You've only been together a year. Surely your dd doesn't know him that long so can't know him well enough (as well as you do) to move into a house with him. It would be insane to put yourself in a precarious financial position. How dare he expect you to go part time. That's not his decision to make. As for him bankrolling his adult children - that would put me off him and his family straight away. What kind of lazy articles are they that they don't work? Will you allow your dd to be bankrolled too? If not, how is it fair for her to be blended into this family seeing her step brothers do sod all while she has to work for her money? This relationship may work if you keep it between yourself and your partner and don't marry or live together. But it won't work for you and your dd now if you move in.

If he dies before you, you can be sure that you'll be homeless straight away. Even if he makes an allowance to let you stay, I can't imagine his lazy ass kids making it comfortable for you to do so.

Put yours and your dd's securuity first, work towards buying your own house and by all means keep him as a partner if you want.

Incidentally, how did his ex gf end up? Was she living with him and been funded by him? Was she left high and dry when they split?

@Coco22222

Thanks everyone, sincerely, thank you. It's easy to feel like I'm going mad or being unreasonable. I very grateful to you all. x

Pay attention to this. You know in your heart you're a reasonable person. So when you're in a relationship and you feel like this, it's not you that's the problem, it's the relationship.

At best he's planning to use you as a cash cow and possibly lining up a carer he won't have to pay for, because a paid carer would impact on his son's inheritance.

At worst he's totally controlling and wants you paying rent so

a) you have no security, no home of your own and can't save for one so

b) you can't easily leave making it easier for him to control you with threats (you don't like it you know where the door is, either openly said or implied). He'd already be controlling you by default because

c) working part time and paying rent, also paying unnecessarily high bills (for you, compared to bills on your planned smaller purchased home) on a big house, you'll not only have more time to spend with him you'll also have

d) no money to go out with and therefore

e) limited capacity to make friends, in this new location he's isolated you in where you know nobody.

As they say, more red flags than a communist rally. This is not a healthy relationship.

After only one year you don't really know him. After a lengthy dodgy relationship you don't know right from wrong (understandable).

No no no

You have been dating only a year and you are going to move your 16 year old daughter in somewhere where 2 men live, that you barely know!?!?!?

@Coco22222

Thanks everyone, sincerely, thank you. It's easy to feel like I'm going mad or being unreasonable. I very grateful to you all. x

On the contrary. Please don't do this to your daughter or you. It's very, very, very foolish. There is nothing good to come from moving in with this man, for you or your daughter. A year is no time at all. Your daughter is at a critical age and shouldn't be moved like this for some guy. His kids are another red flag.

Tell him no and mean it, letting him talk you round just shows you he doesn't have your bests interests in mind. So you need to.

Why the rush to live together at all? Much less iwth no marriage.

Buy a place for you and your child, do not stop working FT.

Absolutely do not move in. A relationship is meant to be good for you, to enrich your life and make it easier. This isn't doing any of that. Moving in would be detrimental for both you and your 16 Yr old child.

At worst, he is manipulating you into losing all control over your life and becoming his carer with no other options. At best, he doesn't trust you and thinks you're trying to sponge off him.

Maybe it's less sinister than that though and it's the age difference throwing difficulties at you already.

Either way, keep dating and don't move in.

If you’re going to get married, why would he charge you rent? Who charges their wife or husband rent, that’s just weird

If he's older than you & already retired while you are only 40 then you're going to end up being his carer. His kids will be financially subsidised by you paying rent and then will most likely inherit the house. His will might exclude you from inheriting anything substantial. This is to prevent your dd from taking his kids inheritance. Which is fair enough because she's not his blood relative, his children are.

So you need to prioritise your dd, buy your own property or buy it in her name. Get a solicitor to draw your up a life time interest will so you can live there until your death.

Live separately, work full time and date if you must but don't commit to him at all. I'd dump and move on to be honest as the relationship is financially unequal & borderline financially abusive.

If you married him and died before him, what would happen to your daughter? That's what I'd be considering before making any rash permanent decisions.

Does not sound good, he seems to be wanting a bit of control over you already.

Also - have a look at the Freedom Programme given you were in an abusive relationship for so long and suffered so much fall out when it ended.

@CliffsofMohair - love the name!

@ChristmasTreeInJune

If you’re going to get married, why would he charge you rent? Who charges their wife or husband rent, that’s just weird

Ah you must be new to MN then?! ...

You're on track to create a secure, independent life for you and your daughter. Don't fuck that up for the sake of a man who is offering you nothing except the golden opportunity to subsidise his lazy children. Keep him as a FWB on your terms.

Buy your own house and keep dating him if you really like him. I wouldn’t move my daughter in with a man I’ve know for a year regardless of how good the relationship is. A year is nothing.

[quote DoingItMyself]@CliffsofMohair - love the name![/quote]
Thanks 😊

If it was me:
-I wouldn’t move away from the area my DD was at school and near her friends. I would wait until she finished school. Having to drive her to see her friends/school etc just at the time they’re able to be more independent would be a backwards step for me.
-I would not move my 15 yo DD into a house with 2 adult male strangers (to her)
-I would not go part-time, I would be thinking of my own financial interests eg my own house, my pension, my DD’s future (potential university, driving lessons etc)
-if I was to get married again, then I’d want to discuss if I was to buy my own property, then I would be clear that the property would be for my DD. Also how much money is he giving to his children, is that money that would be diverted to nursing home care if needed. Would I get any money, be able to stay in the house if he dies etc Then if there’s no financial security, I would be clear that part time work would be a no as it’s not possible to reduce my earnings at the moment.
-I wouldn’t worry about talking this through would be classed as money grabbing, he is not wrong to say pay towards bills but charging your ‘wife to be’ rent is a bit off plus wanting you to work part time but him not contributing to the short fall is also off.

Marriage is not all about love, it’s a contract -so it’s fine to get into all the financial details before you commit.

My biggest issue would be my DD, I would prefer to buy a small property and live there will her until she’s finished school.

Nope, nope nope.
Not even read the full thread.
What do you have to gain from this relationship? You'll be his carer in the end and be left with nothing.
Stay where you are except he agrees to pay ALL the bills so that you have money to look after yourself and your son when / if you split up or he dies.

wondering what happened to the OP and what she decided to do. I have been in v similar situation. my answer is ABSOLUTELY NOT! I got asked early on to move in too, wedding plans etc, me no kids, him 2 adult living with him. I had my own 'bubble' and by moving in with him I would become a free housekeeper to 3 adult men. Keep your finances separate. You will not gain anything in this set up, no security, you will be paying rent like a lodger in a place where no doubt you can not add your feminine touch (that age men are v set in their ways and stubborn), if he falls ill you will have to resign from your work and be his free carer, adult children may fall into financial problems and that would be a strain on your too. He knows your story of being breadwinner in previous relationships, he knows you are switched on and hard working. He is slowly getting more and more control over you. You mentioned his exes were kept women. But where they? or it it just what he tells you? I am always keen on finding out from the exes what happend. These women more often than not can be a great source of valuable information. Like someone already mentioned - if you are here asking these questions - this is your gut instinct telling you - no! You will be left with nothing. Plus a year is to early to make such decisions at our age. Slow down, test the water but do not move in. Also the famous 'this is not your house' will no doubt rise in the heated conversation. Good luck, stay resolute!