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Original poster

moving in with older partner

167 replies

Coco22222 · 17/04/2021 09:16

Hi everyone. I'm due to move in with my partner and his adult son. My partner is retired and owns his house outright. he is wealthy and supports all of his adult children financially. We expect to get married next year or late this year. I work full-time though he asked me to go part-time (which I will not be able to do). He has asked me to pay rent on the house and pay towards bills. Is this normal? I'll be worse off financially and moving to an area I would not choose to live in, longer commute for me and my 16 year old. He will be leaving the house to his children. It might just ne nerves but I feel a bit weird about it all.

OP posts:
stackemhigh · 17/04/2021 15:01

@dontdisturbmenow

how is she getting a sugar daddy when she is the one paying Because clearly it wasn't what OP was expecting.
OP has been very clear that she is independent and wants to keep working.
Booboobadoo · 17/04/2021 15:01

It does sound like a terrible idea anyway, but I certainly wouldn't move in prior to getting married as I suspect the marriage would never happen.

Howshouldibehave · 17/04/2021 15:09

What does he think will happen to you in your retirement if you go part time now? Is he planning to top up the deficit in your pension?!

Zilla1 · 17/04/2021 15:15

In some circumstances, each of the asks might seem reasonable but together they seem comprehensively selfish. So he wants you to reduce your earning capacity by working pt, pay rent when he has no mortgage nor significant increased costs and you lose future security by not owning a property. He gains rent, cleaning and company/intimacy with presumably no obligation when he dies or the relationship breaks down or if this leads to coercive control.

If you are head over heels and convinced of his goodwill then I suppose you could work FT and purchase a buy to let but pay no rent to him. And/or secure your future with marriage and, depending on jurisdiction, a clear settlement or provision in a will that can't be changed. If that makes you look like a gold digger then there are words to describe the arrangement he wants that are, IMO, much worse.

It sounds like a conversation where he needs to understand the collective impact of what he's requested then see what solutions he suggests.

Good luck.

DianaT1969 · 17/04/2021 15:18

Hahaha, so he wants a live-in housekeeper, carer and sex buddy who will also be a lodger by paying rent and a share of the bills. Gosh, he saw you coming. Tell him to f**k off. Buy your own place with your daughter and date a man 10 years younger than you.

Mittens030869 · 17/04/2021 15:19

OP has been very clear that she is independent and wants to keep working.

^ This, she’s hardly giving the impression that she wants a sugar daddy, is she? She isn’t happy that he wants her to work part-time hours.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 17/04/2021 15:27

Oh, dear, I missed the part that they've only been together a year. Madness even more.

The longer commute for your daughter and you and an area you don't want to be in, in addition to all the rest, what DianaT said.

oppositeofbubbly · 17/04/2021 15:28

This all seems very one sided. Pros for him:

  • Get to live with new partner without the hassle of moving home
  • Home big enough to accommodate new partner and child plus adult children when the want to visit
  • Another adult to help with housework etc
  • Income from rent without having to give up any rights/use of the house
  • No impact on children's inheritance
Cons for him:
  • Partner's teenage daughter will be around for a few years

Pros for OP:

  • Get to live with new partner
Cons for OP:
  • Money that would otherwise be spent on buying a house is spent on rent
  • Longer commute for self and DD, and cost that goes with this
  • Pressure from partner to reduce work hours (and therefore income)
  • (Presumably) time and effort spent on upkeep etc of a house that she will never have a legal interest in
  • Risk that if relationship breaks down in a few years time she has no savings and little time to get a mortgage to buy a place of her own. More so if she agrees to reduce work hours.
  • Risk that partner dies and children kick her out
uncomfortablydumb53 · 17/04/2021 15:56

I moved into an ex boyfriends flat, and ignored my wise elderly Friends advice to " Always cover my own arse" to my cost
My ex boyfriend turned physically abusive and I literally had to run to my elderly friend
Luckily my divorce settlement came through and I bought my own flat
I only contributed to food at ex's and my elderly friend wouldn't accept a penny
Please don't do this, for your own and your daughters security
I'd buy your own place. you can still have a relationship. Also PLEASE don't marry him

uncomfortablydumb53 · 17/04/2021 15:58

If you think about it, you are literally paying for your company and he is making a profit
Not exactly considerate is he?
Sorry, having been through similar I feel very strongly for you

Aprilshowersandhail · 17/04/2021 16:04

Even worse case his dc realise df has got a new house keeper and move back in

Rent free for them!

Dozer · 17/04/2021 16:05

Don’t move in until DD has finished her A levels (or other studies) locally. Why would you cause her stress and a longer commute to school/college at a vital stage of her education for a man you’ve dated only a year?

Chickychickydodah · 17/04/2021 16:35

Please don’t move in with him.. get your own place with your daughter.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 17/04/2021 16:52

@Booboobadoo

It does sound like a terrible idea anyway, but I certainly wouldn't move in prior to getting married as I suspect the marriage would never happen.
This, too. 'Expect to get married' means nothing and he'll then throw obstacles in the path once he's got you where he wants you.
UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 17/04/2021 17:01

This is a man looking for a nurse with a purse, not a woman looking for a sugar daddy.

Do not move your 16 year old girl into this man's house and pay him for the privilege of making her life far worse than it would be if you got your own little place near her school and your work, please Sad

Mix56 · 17/04/2021 17:25

Don't do it.
He can finance his DC's lives
He has no mortgage,
His former parter & GF payed nothing
But he wants you to pay rent.. & go part time, & move to an area you don't like & complicate the commute...
What does he have ? Golden Balls ?

ProfessionalWeirdo · 17/04/2021 17:26

Why do none of his children work? It all sounds rather odd tbh.

That was my first thought too. How old are the adult children, OP, and why don't they have jobs?

awesomekillick · 17/04/2021 17:29

Marry before you agree to move in

billy1966 · 17/04/2021 17:29

Nurse with a purse is right.

At least she knows the old man still has his faculties, because he is definitely trying to pull a fast one on her🤣

time4anothername · 17/04/2021 17:35

@DianaT1969

Hahaha, so he wants a live-in housekeeper, carer and sex buddy who will also be a lodger by paying rent and a share of the bills. Gosh, he saw you coming. Tell him to f**k off. Buy your own place with your daughter and date a man 10 years younger than you.
it does kind of sound this way.

Why don't his adult children work? What do they do?

JSL52 · 17/04/2021 17:44

@jimmyjammy001

You are both financially unequal, he wants you to work part time because he is retired so obviously has alot of free time on his hands and wants to spend it with you, if he wants you to go part time he will have to subsidize your living costs, I.e a reduced rent, if not then you will not be able to afford it and have to stay full time

As for the house being left to his children, it is his house, he is hardly going to leave it to your children who are not his, but if you end up getting married half becomes yours anyways, just don't sign a prenup agreement or any other agreement where he protects his assets otherwise there is no point in you getting married otherwise it screws you over financially.

Not if he's left a will. I'm in a similar situation and we have both left out respective properties to our own children. Doesn't automatically got to the second wife.
BlueDahlia69 · 17/04/2021 17:45

Buy your own safe haven for you and your Daughter OP 🌸

thatwasme22 · 17/04/2021 17:48

''My partner is retired and owns his house outright. he is wealthy and supports all of his adult children financially.''

WTF? If he is 'wealthy' then why does he neeed rent from you? That and what exactly do his asdult hildren do all day?

BY wealthy are you talking multi millionaire because the term is very subjective.

thatwasme22 · 17/04/2021 17:51

''f you end up getting married half becomes yours anyways, just don't sign a prenup agreement or any other agreement where he protects his assets otherwise there is no point in you getting married otherwise it screws you over financially.''

That is not true,marriage does not mean all assets are split 50/50-hugh myth. It is usually what is acquired during the marriage that would be more likely to be 50/50 split. Also prenups don't have much power in courts, they can be taken on board but they can be disputed etc.

blobblob · 17/04/2021 19:43

I don't think he's selfish. He's only doing what a number of people might do. If I met a new partner now and they moved in I'd epect a contribution. And the house is mine and I wouldn't be giving half away - not at the age I am.
It's not in OP's interests to move in. And it's not in DP's interests to get married. Just stay how you are for a bit.